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"I'm not sure why you hate me, but I'm sorry for whatever I did." The words echoed through Derek's mind over and over, Hanging him because...well they weren't true. They couldn't be true because Stiles couldn't possibly be sorry. He didn't have anything to be sorry for, It wasn't his fault. He couldn't control the way he smelled, couldn't control the fact that his smile, and his eyes and the stupid way he sucked on straws, made Derek's stomach drop.
It wasn't his fault that Derek didn't really know how to deal with it, his stupid overwhelming feelings for this 17 year old boy. The ones that made him struggle to keep control, made him warm, and happy, and feel like such a perverted pedophile all at the same time. But that wasn't Stiles fault either. For gods sakes the guy didn't even know what he was doing. It would be different if he knew it, if he knew that it fucked with his head so bad and he just kept doing it. Kept sucking on straws so hard it hollowed his cheeks, and moaning ridiculously when he ate good food, if he knew it drove Derek crazy when he gave him the awkward side hugs he had taken to giving him.
But he didn't know, he couldn't possibly know. Because how could Derek possibly tell him, how could he tell a 17 year old male human that he liked him so much that it physically hurt sometimes? How could he tell him that he was worried about his safety just about every second of every day? He was afraid he would do something stupid and get himself hurt. How did he tell him that he spent time thinking of ways to keep him safe, as often as he spent time thinking about grabbing him by the face and kissing the grin off of it. Which he did really often.
It wasn't Stiles fault that the only Derek knew how to deal with feelings, was to make Stiles hate him. Because if Stiles hated him then he wouldn't be there. But of course it had to backfire. Because Stiles didn't hate him, because stiles was too perfect for that. He saved his life time after time; he was there whenever Derek needed him. He was just Stiles. And he should have realized that his reaction would be to think that Derek hated him. That he was doing something wrong and Derek wanted to hit his head against a wall.
It had been five days since he spoke to Stiles, and he was still panicking about what to say. Trying to figure out how to explain himself he had spent the past week so frustrated that he didn't even notice that stiles showed up with Scott until they were pushing their way in the door. Stiles mumbling something about Scott and goblins, and Scott getting over himself to ask Derek for help.
And well, Derek didn't really have any time to think through what he was going to say anymore because Stiles was standing in his front room yelling trough his house, "sour wolf, I know you're here. Scott needs your help." And what was he supposed to do, say no? Ha, that's laughable. Scott was pack. So he walked down the hall, he helped Stiles bandage Scott's arm and told him to go lay down before sitting down on the couch with stiles.
" so sorry for like invading your house I mean I had meant to just like leave you alone from like now until forever because you know how Scott is an…" "I think I love you" "d he went… wait what?" Stiles demanded and he was pretty justified in doing that in Derek's opinion, because for all his planning it seemed the only thing Derek was worse at than choosing words, was timing. He probably should have waited until Stiles at least finished his sentence but apparently that concept was lost on him.
He rung his hands nervously, "I uh, I think I love you?" he asked, "and why the hell would you think that" Stiles demanded. Derek frowned, "I don't think actually. I know. I know that I love you" Stiles gaped at him. "you don't have to love me back I just think that you should know that I don't hate you" he said, Stiles was quiet and Derek should have been happy considering how he was always telling Stiles to shut up but now it just made him nervous. "Derek you always slam me into things," Derek nodded, "like everything, buildings, walls, steering wheels, not to mention the throat ripping threats, how the hell am I not supposed to come to the conclusion that you hate me?" Derek shrugged, "I guess I never grew out of the tugging pigtails phase.
Stiles rolled his eyes and laughed, "I don't love you" he said, and Derek nodded standing up go see if Scott needed some water or something, "I don't love you, but… I could try." Stiles said from behind him, "If you give me a chance." Derek nodded sitting back down on the couch.
They sat there silently for a while. Eventually Stiles rested his head on Derek's shoulder, "why me" he asked a while later running a finger over the lines on Derek's hand. "Because everyone else pales in comparison." He said honestly because everyone he had met since stiles just seemed boring. Nobody could make his heart flutter in the same way, and as much as he hated it, stiles had gotten through so many of his walls, and under his skin. In a way that nobody had before, and if he was being honest it utterly terrified him.
"Who knew you could be nice" he said laughing, "I can be nice if I want to…" he replied and Stiles smiled. "Love has made you soft Sour Wolf" he said and Derek didn't really know how to respond to that, because it had. Love had made him weak and stronger all at the same time and he didn't know if it was worth the tradeoff but he didn't have any say in the matter. "I know. It terrifies me" he admitted, stiles frowned.
"It's not a bad thing to let people in Derek. Not everyone in the world is here to hurt you, your pack loves you. Even Scott, regardless of if he'll admit it or not. You're a great alpha, but you'd be a better one if you let people in." Derek frowned.
"I let you in." Derek countered squeezing his hand softly, "it's a start" and Derek nodded because it was a start and he might have been a little screwed up at times, he might be guarded and a little mean but this, this was a start and if he could do this, who knows where the future would lead.