Work Text:
i see you when you hide, and when you lie, it's no surprise [reupload]
by mee_tafiction
When it comes to Stell, Ken sees beyond what others do not. Just like others who Stell meets, Ken enjoys the sunshine’s natural exuberance and wit. It has been years since they first met but he is still amused by how this man can turn any stagnant, dull instances into an excitable current of conversation and teasing, be it with the people he’s been closed with, barely acquainted with, or never met before.
He cannot seem to understand how this man can keep up with the show business they all are in, and add his own spark, spike, and spice into the table with charisma that other people cannot deny. He cannot and will not deny how the other’s words, tone, and actions seem to flow effortlessly with charm whenever he conveys both immediate and deep thoughts.
However, beneath the vocalist’s cheerful smiles, lighthearted banters, and loud laughs, Ken feels Stell’s hidden frowns, nagging, and self-deprecation. He feels it whenever Stell dims his light just for a little bit for whatever reason. He feels it whenever Stell’s smile is not evident on his lips nor in his eyes. He feels it every time the spotlight cannot seem to find the lightheartedness and entertainment caused by the other, or rather, every time the other chooses to hold back, restricting his natural flow of authentic expression.
Afterall, while the world cannot directly gaze at the Sun (only bask in his warmth and radiance), the Moon, with his crates and cracks, can and is willing to do so. The Moon notices the slight changes of received light, though he can only sense but never truly discern. He can sense greatly but cannot comprehend because just as how natural the wind flows, how can the sun not shine if that is in its nature? How can fire not produce light just as how it can produce shadows? How can water not bring about wetness and hydration just like a seed can bring about life and growth?
How can a being stop the nature and essence of its existence?
Ken does not understand but he’s willing to try. He is willing to transmute the brilliance (and sometimes, the lack thereof) he receives from the other into a reassuring glow just so that the Sun can realize his true worth amidst the loud, insistent cacophony and enveloping black hole. Though it may seem overdramatic to compare such situation to a big word of dissonance and celestial phenomenon, you cannot blame Ken. He knows how the world can be overwhelming at times. Take it from someone who is still scared to order at a fast-food chain restaurant, in fear of being judged, saying something wrong, or both. From someone who struggles to communicate his emotions when he’s in bad mood, resulting to his other co- members’ hesitance (all except to one) to approach or ask him.
So, Ken cannot blame Stell for feeling this way at times. Stell who is one of the few people who Ken can trust and rely with his whole heart. Stell who has been courageous in wearing his heart on sleeves and expressing himself. Stell who has been brave enough to approach and comfort him at times when he needs it but his sour and dark disposition pushes others away. Stell who, with his wit, humour, and gesture, can provide illumination to his shadows and warmth to his loneliness, frustration, and sadness; his crates and cracks furnished with lacquer and gold, leaving a golden seam where his crevasses were once there.
A true sunshine that emits halo along the spaces behind the dark clouds.
That is why Ken is not only willing to understand but also to initiate. To approach and comfort when it is Stell’s turn to be stuck in his own head, to be submerged and drowned in the ugly, incessant thoughts, to be overpowered by the mean voices, to be drawn into the void.
This was their first press conference interview. This was supposed to be something significant and unforgettable.
Indeed, it became ‘significant’ and ‘unforgettable’.
“Ano ba yan, Stell? Ano ba yang ayos mo na ‘yan? Talaga bang style ‘yan o ano?”
“So lahat kayo straight?”
“You’re not bothered by the fact that you sound like a Korean group?”
“Hindi po kami na-bobothered kasi sa totoo lang po-“
“Kasi ako, bothered ako.”
“Di naman kayo dumating sa point (of selosan) since si Justin iba ang looks, gwapo pa, siyayung nagdadala sa grupo?”
“Hanggang saan kayo tatagal para ma-achieve ‘yung goal niyo..?”
It’s finally done. The series of questions and answers have already been spoken out. The capture of camera and reels of recording have been kept and saved. The tightrope between mockery and tension. The laughter, the mirth, the mischief, the embarrassment – These are all fucking over.
But despite of everything, it feels like these are all just a start of trauma that keeps on repeating, a heartache that keeps on aching, a wound that keeps on throbbing.
The words are too painful not to be repeated again and again in their heads. During the flashes of camera for a photo opportunity at the end of the event. As they walk towards backstage into their room. When they face deafening silence followed by pooling of tears in their eyes, dripping towards the Earth’s gravity, with apparent sniffs and heartfelt sobbing.
The clinging hug from each one accompanied by their heart-wrenched weeping expresses the physical and verbal manifestation of heartbreak they all feel to the core.
The words are too scarring and damaging not to be repeated while they are alone with their own thoughts as they go home, while they lay down on their beds to sleep and wake up in the morning, while they stare into oblivion as they take their baths, while they get ready to practice or go to another event.
Again, and again.
Minutes turn into hours. Hours turn into days. Days turn into weeks. Throughout this time, no one mentions how each of them, though in varying degree and interval, has telltale red, puffy eyes, in some days. Their only outlet, escape, and anchor is their dream. When they practice, do their crafts, and be in the zone.
(A/N: ✔ Seen + Typing... = Long Pause)
(KEN)
(STELL)
12:43AM
Typing...
Stell?
Stell?
Gising ka pa?
✔ Seen
Typing...
hulaan mo
Ah talaga ba?
✔ Seen
Typing...
Okay ka lang?
✔ Seen
Typing...
Pag ikaw di sumagot, susumbong ko kay Pau ikaw dahilan bat puno ng gasgas mga sapatos niya kasi binato mo sa mga nangangagat na asong ulol ng kalsada sa labas ng building
traydor ka men
Haha sagutin mo nga muna tinatanong ko
tanong mo sa mga asong ulol
Abay tarantad-
nyenyenye
ang kulit bat mo kasi naitanong?
daldal mo dito pero sa GC natin di ka man lang sumiseen
ikaw isumbong ko kay Pau ngayon
✔ Seen
Typing...
Ang tahimik mo kasi
Tinawag ka kanina ni Josh pero hindi ka sumagot
Malalim ata iniisip mo
Wala lang. Can I share something with you?
Kung hindi ka pa matutulog.
napaka-ideal ng time mo para mag-share ah
pero sige. di rin kasi ako makatulog.
Call?
ok.
["Dora" is calling you]
[Call - 1:32:54]
["Dora" has ended the call]
Thanks for listening, Stell.
parang ikaw nga yung taga-listen tapos ako taga-vent out
didnt know I needed this
didnt expect you would be the one to approach me
thank you, chiKen! 🐥
Haha, corny mo.
Nahawaan ka na ata ni Jah.
ok sige, balik ako sa Dora
[You sent a screenshot to "Dora"]
(A/N Screenshot of Ken's contact name on Stell's cp)
traydor ka men (2)
HAHAHAHA
pero joking aside
maraming salamat talaga, ken.
di mo alam kung gaano mo napagaan loob ko.
hindi ko talaga alam kanino ko sasabihin mga pighati sa loob ko. hindi ko alam kung tama ba tong tinatahak ko.
salamat sa reassurance.
Anytime, Stell.
Sleep na tayo?
nyenyenye
night night, dora
G'night den ./.
Sleep well, Stell.
["Heavenly" reacted ♡]
[You changed the contact name from "Dora" to "Haven"]
Little did they know, the suffocating heaviness and disengaging gloom they felt throughout the past weeks before this very conversation juxtapose the light, giddy, and blissful sensation they now experience as the aftermath of their interaction. In these te nder moments, they found their release, a sigh of relief, and a newfound inner peace. Both of their smiles and grins are still evident on their faces when they meet hours later for practice despite the presence of coupled darkened circles underneath their eyes.
Even if the other members had noticed something, they mentioned nothing.
Despite the world being in pandemic, having to follow mandatory restrictions and lockdown measures to protect itself from the virus, another uphill battle comes into play inside of its homes, where all people can be alone with their thoughts.
Just because of a viral outbreak, the Earth will not stop rotating and revolving, the time will not stop running, the routines and activities will not stop existing. And ultimately, the trolls, having more time to waste and knowing their victims have more free time to spare, will not stop attacking.
At home, one must still be functional and active. And for these young men who dream of performing on stage, creating music, and making an impact, socialization is in the form interactions via social media platforms.
Anyone’s thoughts, opinions, and beliefs, good or bad, can be posted and publicized on these avenues. Depending on the accessibility and influence, these can be viewed and responded by anyone.
These young men are not exceptions.
The thing about social media, as much as each the members can see their supporters’ praises, encouragement, and kind words, they can also read their bashers’ hate comments. As much as they would like to deny it, the latter side of the coin has a greater hold on them. You can consider these still novice early years into their career as the reason. Or their somewhat naivety, big heart, and wide vision for their aspiration clashing against the industry’s malicious, cold-hearted, vision-narrowed cynics.
Or you can refer to human psychology that describes negative bias as our mankind’s tendency to pay more attention to bad things and overlook good things, likely as a result of evolution.
Ken does not understand why other people would choose to spend their time making the days of others worse instead of making their own better. Maybe they think of simultaneously doing both. Still, he does not really care because he knows that deep inside, these people are just too miserable. He knows that their sense of satisfaction from spreading negativity and seeking solace in the perceived superiority they gain from others' suffering stems from a deep-seated unhappiness that compels them to lash out and attempt to drag others down with them. He does not really care about what they do.
Unless they hurt someone close to him.
That someone being Stell.
Stell received some hate and backlash just for existing and doing his best to achieve his dreams.
Ken feels the urge to say something. Write something. Create something.
Tagu-taguan maliwanag ang buwan
Yes, underrate
Haters on the way,
Nagtatago ka pa sa likod ng dummy account mo, p're
'Wag nang mahiya, yeah
Lumabas ka na sa lungga, yeah
Patingin naman ng sample
Kung paano manghihila pababa, yeah
Stell who has years of dedicated practice that he can watch a dance sequence once, then memorize and execute it immediately.
Stell who has been commended by their trainer multiple times for being able to contain and sustain consistent yet appropriately varying energy in his moves.
Stell who has the highest range and most stable control of belting voice among all of them induced by not only his interest in music but also his dedication in going beyond what he can do.
Beats. Melody. Chord progression.
Hala sige! Pindot pa
Hanggang sa keyboard niyo'y tuluyang masawak at magiba
Nakita niyo na 'di ba
'Di kami titigil
Hindi kase kami gaya niyo inutil
Isa pang butil, ay mali!
Milyon pang butil lamunin niyo nang mabuti
Stell who is able to choreograph some of their dances while accepting input from any of them and then teach them effectively.
Stell who cracks jokes naturally and elicit laughter easily from the people around him.
Stell who decided to stay and believe when others chose to leave, give up, and find another path due to their own personal troubles.
Harmony. Rhythm. Composition.
Lemme just say, uh
Bago ka puro dada
Pakita na muna mukha
' Wag na mahiya
Hindi yung puro salita
Dapat din sa gawa, uh
Pakita mo na sa'kin
Stell who is evident to be deserving of admiration, or at least, respect, yet others still disrespectfully insist on how he is the ‘visual hole’ in their group, just because they cannot attack his talent and work ethic.
Stell who they know nothing about, but still they have the nerve to label and belittle.
(KEN)
(STELL)
11:23PM
Typing...
Stell?
Typing...
Andito lang ako, okay?
Typing...
May ginawa ako.
Typing...
Check my IG story.
12:01AM
✔ Seen
nakita ko. pinaiyak mo ako. piste ka talaga.
ken
pwede kitang tawagan?
["Haven" is calling you]
[Call – 1:59:03]
["Haven" has ended the call]
Ok ka na?
oo. thank you.
pasensiya na kung iyak ako nang iyak pag tumatawag tayo nang ganito. parang ako ata ang mas bunso sa ating dalawa eh.
Di naman nababase sa edad ang pag-iyak. Di naman ibig sabihin matanda ka na, di ka na nakakaranas ng emosyon.
ang lalim ng hugot, ah.
nagmature na si dora, trew?
["Haven" reacted 'haha']
Nyenyenye
Pero seryoso, ok ka na talaga?
at bakit naman hindi? Isang Felip Jhon Suson ang gumawa ng diss track para sa haters ko eh.
HINDI AKO GAYA NILA, INUTIL!
/mic drops/
Ok ka na nga. You’re back again.
Welcome back, Stell.
di naman ako umalis. kinangailangan ko lang ng someone to steer me back.
salamat sa pagpapagaan ng loob ko, ken.
Relax, ako lang to.
Haha pero seryoso
Thanks for not leaving.
Now and then.
:P
Ang kulit
May interview pa tayo mamaya. Pagpatuloy mo lang yan.
Just show them your true self.
Ignore the haters. Ako na bahala sa kanila.
haven. safety. kayo yan. ikaw.
kayo. tayo. papuntang pangarap. yan palagi ang dahilan kung bakit di ako sumusuko.
ok. tama na senti. good night, haven!
Good night, aking langit.
Este pangit.
["Heavenly reacted '!!']
./.
["Haven" reacted 'haha']
That past midnight, Ken recalls a passage from a book of poem he had to read back when he was a high school student. It was a reading assignment from their literature teacher for the next day’s topic discussion. He remembers reading it out of boredom before the class started (he oftentimes relied on his adrenaline rush to start some of his school tasks, especially on something as menial as this). After reading the entire section, he was engaged by the story itself.
His engrossment, he subconsciously surmises, stemmed from his empathy for the Moon’s longing of the Sun, because she cannot do anything but to be away from him, as a reminiscent of how Ken cannot do anything but to be away from his parents ever since at a young age. Afterall, meeting your parents twice throughout your entire life of nearly 25 years is not something typical considering those parents are still acquainted with your grandparents who raised you.
He knows deep within that he feels the same way with Stell. Though distance is not so much of an issue, Stell’s light and vibrance have been a constant factor in his life that he cannot afford to lose.
He searches on Google about this work, just to be sure that he remembers it right.
A few minutes after, he opens his Twitter account to post something.
Something that he is aware the fans would surely analyze and investigate using their detective skills, regardless if it is just a sentence.
At that moment, he does not care. For once, he is willing to show what he feels. To the world? To Stell? To himself? He does not really know.
One thing's for sure, just like how the Moon and Sun had not minded the space and other celestial bodies in expressing what they wanted, Ken is willing to do the same, to wear his heart on his sleeves.
For once, Ken is willing to be like Stell for Stell.
Fin.
(Ken is such a literature geek and romantic dork for redefining this composition according to his situation.
Notice that in the original passage, it was the Sun who said it to the Moon, not the other way around.
In this work of mine, I deliberately implied that the post was indeed Ken's letter to the Sun from the Moon himself.)