Chapter Text
Simon “Ghost” Riley considers himself a man sewn together by his mistakes. Every decision, right and wrong, has led him to become who and what he is today. Since his birth, he’s made nearly every mistake he possibly could. If he was one to believe in separate timelines and alternate realities, he’d think he was the worst version of himself out there. Despite this, he's still able to recognize that he's made some good decisions. He’s defused bombs, sniped terrorists and saved countless lives by doing his job. But those feel weightless in comparison to the sheer amount of loss he views himself as responsible for. Tommy, his nephews, countless soldiers and civilians whose names he doesn't know but faces he’ll remember forever.
Point being, Simon doesn't deem himself a good person, despite the frequent assurance from people around him that he’s an honest (enough) man. He thinks he was a good kid dealt a shitty hand, but that kid has long since rotted away. Although, if you asked that kid if he felt like a good person, he probably wouldn't know how to respond. He would take far too long of a pause between the question being asked and his inevitable, “oh, yeah. ‘Course I’m a good person.” Because realistically, at least at the time, he’d never done anything to make him a bad person. Maybe sometimes he was selfish, but that's just how kids are. Maybe it was the fact that he was born into an unkind environment. A den of snakes, the last place a child should have to be. Households like that breed uncomfortable feelings. Maybe Simon was born with a seed of evil deep in his heart that has yet to have the opportunity to corrupt him fully. Maybe he just needs to go to therapy.
He’s also thought that maybe he’s just too close to his current self to view things objectively. Maybe when he’s older and retired he’ll pity this present iteration in the way Simon pities his teenage self. Realistically, that's where he’s headed. Sure, he’ll have regrets… but that's just a part of life. Especially a life like his. He knows what the team thinks of him. Price thinks he’s a good man. He makes sure to assure him of this whenever he notices Simon having an ‘off’ day. He knows Gaz and Soap like him, but they aren't exactly privy to his life before becoming Ghost, at least not enough to clue them into what he really deems as ‘Bad’. Price does know this, yet he still insists that Simon is one of his best. Not pure, not without blame or blood, but still good. Somehow, despite how much he tells his captain, Simon still manages to persuade himself into believing that he's wrong. John Price, whose judgement he trusts nearly wholeheartedly in every other situation… he doesn't believe. If he really thought about it, he might be able to recognize how absurd that really sounds. But he doesn't. So it remains unresolved.
This is how he thinks whenever he has a moment alone that lasts just a hair too long. When he's shaving, taking a shower, or buzzing his head. When he can't fall asleep, which is more often than not. When he’s on leave, eating a microwave meal all alone. At the gym if he forgets his headphones, or if his sniping position reminds him a little too much of home. Wherever home is.
He hates silence, despite how often he surrounds himself with it. Which, he thinks, is one of the many reasons that Johnny has managed to lure him in. He talks. A lot. Not too much, but a lot. He keeps the comms warm and manages to bring out Simon's chatty side. He’s somehow able to talk at the perfect times, as if he can sense when Simon’s brain starts to steer him down a dark, well trodden path. He tells a shitty joke, or nudges Ghost's knee to make some snide comment about a private he saw trip on his way to the heli, and suddenly everything is okay again. He makes things easy, and Ghost feels a little pathetic over the whole situation. Especially because he knows it’s fucking effortless for the Scot. Easy as breathing-- he's probably not even aware how much of a crutch his presence has become. Times previously taken up by brooding and reliving painful memories have now been filled by Soap prattling on about some larger than life feat of his. Or even worse, Simon will lie awake in bed and think about him. That stupid mohawk and the scar on his chin. He keeps forgetting to ask where that came from. None of this is to say that Johnny makes Ghost feel like a good person, because he doesn't. But he does fill up the space that previously allowed him to think too hard about his own morality. And, at least right now, that might be more useful.
Johnny is bright in more ways than one. He’s smart, one of the smartest people Simon has ever met. But he's also bright. Bright as in painful to look at. Like the sun, at least to Simon. Not based on looks (although he is quite handsome), but on… demeanor, maybe. The way he carries himself. Simon hasn't been able to put a finger on what he's trying to describe. His confidence, his… charm. John MacTavish is something else entirely. Separate from what, Ghost isn't sure. They’ve only known each other for about four months, which is one of the many reasons Ghost finds this… fondness for the sergeant so frustrating. Because he was hooked from day one. It took no time for Soap to worm himself in the spot between Ghost’s lungs and his ribcage. It's one thing for him to be attracted to the man. He's been attracted to plenty of soldiers in the past, but he typically does nothing about it. And most of them haven't been on the same damn task force as him. He's a professional, for Christ's sake, and those feelings are almost always fleeting. But they’ve never felt like this. Luckily he's good at keeping quiet, especially in situations like this.
He doesnt idolize Johnny. He knows he's not perfect. You don’t get this high up into the SAS by keeping your hands clean. But he’s sure that whatever Soap has done is nothing in comparison to his mountain of mistakes. Gaz has hinted that he may return his feelings. Ghost always chooses to take this as either Gaz being a right prick, or those feelings simply being lust. It can't be anything more than that, he won’t allow for it. He's not even sure that Soap likes men. He's never caught him with a woman before, but that doesn’t mean it hasn't happened. But that's not really important in the grand scheme of things. Ghost would never get involved with him. At least that's what he tells himself every time something particularly… tempting occurs.
Like that time they were trapped in a closet together. It was all knees against groins and pained grunts. It was only 45 minutes but it felt like hours. Soap was chewing gum, making loud smacking noises. It got to the point where Simon nearly knocked him upside the head. As soon as Ghost snapped at him to quit it, Soap stuck it beneath one of the shelves behind them. They made eye contact the whole time. Not a word of protest. It seems innocuous, but given the man's reputation of being… insubordinate, his eagerness to follow orders was surprising. If everything was right in the world he would have kissed him right there. They talked about nothing for the remainder of the time, whispering close in each other's ear as to not be caught. They both smelled rank, yet neither of them mentioned it. Safe to say that was all Simon thought about in bed for several weeks afterwards.
Anyways, Simon doesn't want Johnny to become another mistake in his past, whatever that means. So he’ll remain where he is, firmly planted on the already blurry line between colleague, superior and friend.