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“Tom.”
“Mhmm?” He's distracted making her sleep tea, barefoot in his flannel pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt, and all Shiv can think about is how sweet he is and how awful she’s about to be. But she’s trying, she’s trying to be better.
“I need to tell you something.” She’s perching on the arm of their sofa purposely creating distance between them, as if she’s worried he might lunge at her - he won’t, but not all of her knows that.
“Ok.” He looks up, Shiv can see how hard he’s trying to keep his demeanour neutral, like a wildlife photographer trying not to startle her in a rare moment of vulnerability, it makes Shiv feel sick.
“-and I need you not to try and change my mind.” he puts down the spoon he was using to stir in her one and a half sugars and nods.
“I’m gonna- I need to have an abortion, and I think that’s something you should know” Shiv can't quite meet his eyes, her words come out slow and calculated, “and I wanted to ask if mayb-, if you would come with me." She tries to keep her words definitive, despite their earlier agreement, Shiv has prepared for resistance. Tom’s eyebrows are raised, his mouth open as if to say something but he quickly closes it and takes a deep breath through his nose.
“Oh.” He seems surprised, not angry, in fact there’s no undertone of animosity at all. Shiv realises he was expecting a much different kind of confession, he almost looks relieved “I see. I mean of cours-”
“I’m sorry.” Shiv blurts like she’s caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She had told herself she wasn't going to apologize because there wasn't anything to be sorry for, but in reality she is sorry, even if she knows what she’s doing is right.
“No, no, don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault, if anything it’s kind of my fault!” This earns him a little chuckle and finally a chance to properly look at her, she looks so small and it breaks Tom’s heart. He tries to tell himself she’s not scared of him, of what he might say or do to her, but she’s furrowing her brows in that way he sees so rarely.
“You're not mad?”
“Of course not.”
She doesn’t believe him.
“I don’t- I don’t know when it happened, I would have just taken Plan B but I- I didn't know-” She’s moving towards him, reasoning with him like he’s outraged, tears well in her eyes, it’s like her body can’t understand that he’s not angry with her.
Shiv’s a good feminist, she tries to be a good feminist. She knows that abortions are ok and normal and that any reason is enough reason to have one, that it’s her choice and no one can stop her, she knows all of this. And yet, a piece of her feels like she’s doing something wrong. She thinks, hopes that this feeling of wrongness doesn’t come from within, that it’s the world around her making her feel like her decision is wrong.
“Shiv, sweetie, it’s ok.” he brings her back to reality, suddenly standing in front of her, his hands grasping her upper arms but she doesn't feel trapped at all.
Shiv takes a breath, trying her best to verbalise the emotions coursing through her, she places a hand on his chest, closing her eyes “I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong. I- I need you to know that. But I think- I think the reason that I feel guilty is that I know that this is something you want and I’m taking it away from you-” Tom opens his mouth to protest, “No. You want a baby. And that might be something I’ll want too, but not now. Please, not now.” She opens her eyes, her hand retreating from his chest.
“Siobhan, I would never make you-”
“I know, I know.”
She leans forward, resting her head against his chest, his arms come to wrap around her. Breathing into him, he rubs her back, Shiv ponders times when the idea of his proximity made her sick and wonders how she ever felt that way. Tom runs hot, perpetually chucking his half of the duvet onto her in the night, she hates it but in this moment she is in love with the warmth that envelopes her.
“I love you” she whispers, so close to him her sound is muffled by his t-shirt.
“I love you too.” and for a moment Shiv wonders if he might actually mean it when he says it’s ok.
They stand for a while, Shiv starts to feel like her body has finally accepted Tom as a non-threat.
“You don’t- you don't have to come, if it’s too much. It'll probably just be pills I can take at home so I won’t need anyone to come with me-”
“Shiv.” she looks up at him through her eyelashes, they’re still wet and clumped together, “I’ll be there.”
“I might actually be able to order them online-”
“Then I’ll sit next to you.”
“Ok.” Shiv pushes a smile.
“Sorry my sperm’s so strong.” this earns him a genuine one.
“You’re so weird.” she chuckles.
“Yeah but you love me…and my super sperm.” She rolls her eyes as Tom’s hands move from her waist to push the damp hair out of her face.
“Thank you for telling me, I know you find it hard to be vulnerable with people but- well I’m proud of you Shiv.”
Shiv sighs, a nagging feeling that Tom hasn’t understood what she’s told him starts to eat at her. She is exhausted and yet she cannot leave it unsaid.
“Just because I don’t want a baby now, it doesn’t mean that I won’t one day. I might- I might feel differently. But, I might also not. I don’t want to give you an ultimatum, but I need some reassurance that it’ll be ok if I never want that.”
“You’re enough for me, Shiv.”