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It’s sitting inside a birdcage. Its wings are folded in, clipped. Cautiously, it hops from a stick on one end to another. Its wings don’t beat, don’t budge an inch. Forever trapped in a cage, unable to fly. And yet, the bird’s heart still beats. It carries hope in its heart.
Tell me, why does that bird cling to life?
Yi Sang could finally rest. Today had been another boring yet grueling day grinding away at mirror dungeons as they traveled to their next location. As Dante’s head ticked to dismiss the sinners, everyone slowly filtered away into their respective rooms. Except Yi Sang.
Staring out the windows of the bus, Yi Sang watched as people shifted about. Some walked quickly, rushing to some place while others waltzed about without a care in the world. What would it be like to be one of those people, living a normal life? Perhaps, in another mirror world, he had simply found a job in another nest. No T-corp, no League of Nine. It wasn’t unlikely; with his intelligence being hired even by a wing was possible.
Is that version of him happier than he is now? That Yi Sang may not have their wings, but they have not been clipped like his are. Instead, they merely remained invisible. They had never tried to take to the skies, and instead remained satisfied within their cage. Perhaps they had reached their own ideal.
“Yi Sang?” A voice called. His eyes drifted over to the mirror in his hands; he must have pulled it out absentmindedly. Sang Yi sat in the mirror, staring at him with a worried expression.
“Were you lost in thought again?” He asked. Yi Sang nodded as his gaze drifted over to the colourful wings spreading out from him. What does Sang Yi see in the mirror? Perhaps he sees the same pair of wings, clipped and torn. Perhaps he sees no wings at all. Surely, if they exist, they must be so different compared to the colourful wings in front of him. Sang Yi had taken flight and reached the skies, while he remained staked to the ground like a bird knocked out of the air. Crawling, meandering through its dying moments.
“...Sang.” He was once again startled out of his thoughts by Sang Yi, who gave him a small smile. It was comforting, but not enough. His wings remain clipped, and nothing will change that. Unlike Sang Yi, his ideal will forever remain an ideal. It will never be reality.
“I apologize for being so absentminded today. I’m fairly tired.” Not only that, but it was always during times like this that he would drift off. Stuck killing time, with nothing to do. At least when fighting, it would force his attention onto the battle at hand.
“It’s no problem. If you are tired, then perhaps it would be best to rest.” Sang Yi suggested. Perhaps it would be best to rest for a little bit. Yi Sang nodded and waved goodbye to Sang Yi, who did the same as his form slowly faded away.
With that, Yi Sang finally stood up and made his way back to his room.
Entering his room is like entering another world of darkness and silence. The space feels tight, closed off. It was fine though, he liked it that way. It meant he could sleep forever if he wanted to. He didn’t have to face himself in the dark. He wasn’t reminded of all the things he could have been doing. Laying down on his unmade bed, Yi Sang was left alone with his thoughts. It’s a scene he’s all too familiar with. Alone, with nothing to do but think.
It’s in these times he wished for death the most. Wrapped up in a blanket, doing nothing but sleeping away the time. His thoughts always wandered back to that mirror, to his alternate selves, to Sang Yi.
Do all Yi Sangs lay awake at night, pondering other versions of themself? Or is it just him, the one whose wings have been clipped?
What does Sang Yi do? What did he do to allow his wings to take flight? What separates Sang Yi from Yi Sang? Why must he be Yi Sang, and not Sang Yi? Why does he do nothing but sleep and wait and stay still? Why did he let himself ignore the aiming of the gun, and then dare to act surprised when he was shot down? Why did he run away from Gubo that day? Why did he shut his eyes and allow everything to fall apart around him?
Why why why is all he can think.
He was the reason why the League of Nine fell apart. If he had just talked to them. If he hadn’t brushed off Dongrang’s comments. Yet he never did. He watched as T-corp raided them, stealing the technology that had brought them together. He was the person who staked himself to the ground. He had clipped his own wings. He was the one who stained his ideal with reality and watched as it died.
He curled up into his bed as he forced his eyes to shut as tightly as he could. Trying to drift to sleep before anymore thoughts could take over. Throwing thoughts out of his head, trying to search for any memory to ease his heart, even just a little.
His mind lands on Limbus Company. The other sinners and their shenanigans. The trouble they got into almost everyday. It’s tiring and exhausting dealing with them, yet in this moment Yi Sang feels his heart ease as he recalls their escapades. His mind clears for just a moment of the ideals that will never come to be. It’s just enough to subside the why’s and wishes and let his mind drift to sleep.
Yi Sang watched the chatter of the bus. As always, the bus was buzzing with energy as the Sinners prepared to depart from K-corp. Normally, he would look out the window and wait for the bus to start its way, but this time he found himself staring at his compatriots, friends even. Watching and observing each of them.
It’s strange. Before he had no interest in the other sinners, but now he found himself captivated by even the smallest movement. Taking in all the information he could to make up for the time he had spent idle.
He had lost it all once. Yet, without his knowledge, he had built it back up again. It wasn’t the same; it could never be the same. Still, the feeling of warmth inside his chest told him all he needed to know.
Where he once sat idle, Yi Sang stood up and made his way over to Dante. They turned around, their minute and hour hand bending into an approximation of a confused expression. Yi Sang sat down beside them.
“I merely wished to enjoy some company.” Yi Sang said with a smile. Dante tried their best to return the smile, which he appreciated. The two remained in silence, merely watching the other sinners as they bickered and argued and fought. Dante made a few comments here and there, and Yi Sang found himself replying to almost every single one.
A long time ago, he had given up on life. He had given up on his ideal that was already stained by reality. He despaired over his reality and told himself that he would never get better. He had been staked to the ground, and had stopped trying to free himself.
But he had, and he hadn’t even realized it. Despite the troubles and hardships, he had bloomed and done something incredible. Perhaps he was far from his old ideal, but he didn’t need that ideal anymore. He had created a new ideal. One that could live peacefully in his reality, and be stained by its colors over and over again. It would simply take on those colors and become a new, different ideal.
Yi Sang felt a smile settle on his face and a warm feeling bubble in his chest. This bus had become his home. This group he found himself in had become his friends. Once again, he was surrounded by something to care about, something to live for. Meaningless chatter became something meaningful. The only thing that clipped his wings was his own perception. Now that he could see reality, his wings had spread once more, ready for him to take flight.
Even with its clipped wings, a bird is still a bird.
Eventually, it will take flight again. It may be hard, it may be painful, but it will recover. It may stumble often, may struggle across the ground for a long time, may lose faith. But the bird will take flight. And when it does, its wings will extend and soar higher than it ever could have before.