Chapter Text
The feeling of Sky’s lips still linger as Cobie’s muffled sobs filled the vacancy and silence of the room she sat in the middle of.
The way her hand made its way to her chest was a gradual journey.
It started with her eyelids—the way they softly brushed its corners to wipe away the outpours of her sadness. She breathed deeply, looking up at the lightbulb that refused to dim out, praying that the tears would stop flowing. The tears kept coming and still she’d wipe them away but the pain was too much for them to possibly decelerate and so she put her hand down.
After a long race of trying to keep up with drying her cheeks, she’d finally admitted defeat because there was no way to win this. The room could flood and she could drown in her own sadness and still, it wouldn’t be enough to get rid of the heavy toll of Sky leaving.
-
sa aking himpapawid:
nais ko sanang kilalanin ang puno’t dulo ng iyong kwento.
nais kong maging saksi sa bawat paglalarawan ng ligaya; gusto kong maging kasama sa bawat pagngiti’t pagtawa hanggang sa maukit sa alaala ko ang pagkurba ng iyong labi. hihilingin kong hindi na matapos ang kabanata’t mahihirapang ibaba ang libro ‘pagkat hindi dapat hinahadlangan o isinasantabi ang kaligayahan mo. lalagyan ng tanda ang bawat pahinang naglalaman ng mga salitang nagtatala ng magagandang alaala mo—babalikan, ime-memorya’t isasapuso nang makilala ko kung ano’ng magpapasaya sa’yo.
nais kong maging saksi sa bawat salitang magiging bubog na sanhi ng iyong paghikbi; gusto kong maging sandala’t karamay mo sa mga oras ng lungkot. marahan kong iintindihin ang bawat salitang iginuhit ng iyong sakit—pakikinggan, kikilalani’t unti-unting tatanggalin ang pait nang malaman ko kung paano iingatan ang puso mo. ipag-uumanhin ko sana kung ang mga pahina’y malagyan din ng bakas ng lungkot ko kung ‘di ko mapigilang sabayan ka sa pagluha; hindi magiging dahilan ang pagmantsa upang hindi na unawain ang mga nakasulat dito.
iibigin kita sa bawat salitang hahayaan mong mabasa ko, at mamahalin kitang lalo sa mga espasyong nakalaan para sa mga salitang para lamang sa iyo. pinapangako kong hahayaan din kita na kilalanin ako.
- ibong nagnanais na kalangitan mo’y baybayin
-
To be loved is to be known, so the moment Cobie walked in and Sky stayed silent as she continued to wash the rice, she knew something was wrong.
“Sky, dito na ‘ko,” Cobie’s voice softer than the sound of the water flowing as she wrapped her arms around Sky from behind, “what’s wrong, mahal?”
If there was one thing Cobie was sure of, it was that hindi tampuhin si Sky. Sure, she got irritated and mad at times, but never to the point of being petty or ignoring her. In fact, one of the reasons why Cobie loved her is because she always knew where she stood with her.
When she felt Sky’s breath hitch and a single tear fall to her arm, panic surged in Cobie and she immediately let go of her waist to move around her.
Sky held her head down with her eyes closed as tears started streaming down her cheeks and Cobie felt her heart stop. She gently placed her hand on the rice cooker, tapping Sky’s fingers to let her know she could let go.
The moment she put the rice cooker down, Cobie immediately wrapped Sky in a hug, her weight instantly shifting onto Cobie as her sobs got heavier.
“Nandito lang ako, Sky,” she whispered as she rubbed small circles on her back, “‘pag handa ka nang magkwento, nandito lang ako.”
“Where’d you go, Robin?”
Confusion flooded Cobie as she tried to remember if she had forgotten to tell Sky she had a meeting for her org after school that day.
“Nagmeeting lang kami for the booth plans para sa foundation day, ‘di ba kita nasabihan, mahal? I’m sorry, matagal mo ba akong hinihintay?”
“Cobie, lagi na lang kitang nami-miss. Where do you go, Robin? Bakit pakiramdam ko kahit andito ka anlayo-layo mo?” Sky removed herself from Cobie’s arms to face her and the latter doesn’t miss the pain that flickers across the glaze on her eyes.
Sky was patient. It scared Cobie whenever Sky was mad because she was more patient than the clouds that remained in the sky even as the world spun on its axis.
More often than not, Sky’s temper was like a cloud—slowly collecting raindrops until she started to drizzle, and when she did, Cobie knew to take those drops and listen to what they’re trying to say. Her clouds were quick to dissipate when Cobie took notice and listened to her but just as the weather is unpredictable, so was Sky, and sometimes a storm cloud would loom without her noticing and suddenly, downpour.
She grew up with a mother who taught her to speak her mind, especially when she was upset. Whenever the storm came pouring down, Cobie basked in the shower to try and feel it. She’d brave the lightning and thunder to try and find the center of it because Sky was patient. If Sky was patient enough to let her know of her discomfort in drizzles, then she could be patient enough to listen and understand where she went wrong to turn her calm cloud nimbus.
The gentle rain was foreign to Cobie. She wasn’t used to a Sky that wasn’t straightforward—a Sky that was too pained to speak the wants and needs of her soul.
So instead of answering, she tucks a stray strand of hair behind Sky’s ear and asks, “what made you feel that way?”
“Cobie, araw-araw tayong magkasama sa hapunan pero halos ‘di mo ako pansinin. Isang tanong, isang sagot, Cobe? Para namang nilalayo mo na ako sa buhay mo sa labas ng kwarto na ‘to.”
A pang of guilt suddenly struck Cobie because she knew what Sky said was true. She hadn’t meant to but meeting with her orgmates after their classes meant she’d already talked about her day with them so Sky was met with her Robin out of words at dinner.
“I’m sorry, Sky. Siguro pagod lang din ako after our org meetings, alam mo namang super hectic ng schedule namin ngayon.”
“Naiintindihan ko naman yung pagod, eh. Napapagod din ako kaya nga hinahanap-hanap kong makasama ka. Ansakit-sakit kaseng kailangan din kita para sa pahinga pero parang hapunan lang talaga pinupunta mo rito, parang hindi dahil gusto mo akong makasama.”
“Of course, I want to be with you, Sky. Hindi ko naman ipipilit sarili kong pumunta rito kung hindi ko gusto.”
“Pero aalis ka rin oras na mahugasan yung mga pinggan? Minsan ni walang yakap, diretso ‘balik na ‘ko sa unit ko, Sky’ nang ‘di mo man lang maangat tingin mo mula sa phone mo? Gusto ko lang din namang pansinin mo pero parang ang hirap mo nang hagilapin, Cobe.”
Cobie’s heart sank deeper into her stomach because she knew if Sky was in pain, it wasn’t without effort to try and relieve it.
“Alam ko namang pagod ka lately, eh. Kaya kapag nakukulangan ako sa tipid mong mga sagot ako na lang yung magtatanong pa para ‘di sumama loob ko na wala akong alam tungkol sa araw mo. Alam mong ayokong nagde-demand kase gets ko na may buhay ka pero nakakapagod na pakiramdam ko ako lang yung nandito,” Sky’s words started to falter as her breaths got heavier until all she could manage was a whisper. “Robin, please come back. Mag-iisang buwan na tayong ganito.”
Sky was patient. No matter how demanding the world became of Cobie, she could always count on Sky to understand her. She knew of almost every flaw that Cobie desperately tried to keep hidden and even when those flaws clashed with hers, Sky was patient and Sky endured. Where the voices outside the four corners of her room screamed at her to conform—to be exactly what they want her to be—Sky was a quiet musician figuring out how to read the notes and rests on the music sheet so she could hear every second of Cobie’s melody.
Even then, Sky had her moments when her patience would grow thin. Her fingers would try to play the notes she was reading and sometimes she’d press the wrong key over and over again as if reaching a point in Cobie’s history that she couldn’t quite understand. It would be frustrating for her and sometimes she needed time away to relieve the frustration growing in her chest and still, each time she’d come back to try and figure it out again.
Cobie had her musician memorized like the back of her hand and she knew that when things got overwhelming for her, “sorry” wasn’t enough. No, she despised it.
So instead, she took Sky’s hand and lead her to the dining table so she could sit down. She poured a glass of water and sat down in front of her.
“Inom ka muna, Sky,” Cobie said as she pushed the glass towards her. Once Sky put the glass down, Cobie immediately started playing with the tip of her fingers—a subtle way of keeping them connected without holding her hand because she knew that comforting Sky wasn’t something she deserved to do yet.
“‘Di ko napansing lumalayo na pala ako sayo, I-” Cobie bit on her tongue to prevent the apology from slipping out, “I’m glad you told me. I don’t ever want you to feel like I’m not here with you kase hindi mo deserve ‘yun, Sky. I’ll be more present, okay? Nakalimutan ko ata kung gaano kahalaga sa’yo yung mga kwento ko, and that was unfair of me because I will always be grateful na sa dulo ng araw ko, may excited laging makinig sa’kin.”
Sky moved her fingers closer to Cobie’s and started to interlock them in places they hadn’t earlier. She finally looked up at her and Cobie felt her lungs release for a moment.
“I’m sorry,” she started, glancing at Sky, and when she saw her eyes soften, she knew she was ready to hear her apology. “I’m sorry it took a month and your tears bago ko pa mapansin na iniiwan na pala kita. I love you, Sky. I carry your love with me every day and I’m sorry I didn’t realize that you haven’t been feeling my love even when I’m here.”
“Gusto ko lang namang maging bahagi ng buhay mo. I don’t like feeling like an outsider to the one person whose orbit I don’t mind bumping into.”
Cobie gave her a smile and finally held her hands in their entirety. She brought them up to her lips and gave them a soft kiss.
“Sa susunod, bibigyan na kita ng rocket ship, kahit pasukin mo pa ‘tong atmosphere ng mundo ko, I wouldn’t mind you setting your foot down and making your home here. Gusto ko ring ibahagi mundo ko sa’yo, mahal.”
Sky rolled her eyes as she wiped the remaining tears on her cheeks. “Rocket ship, andaming alam! Pwede naman sabihing, ‘magku-kwento na ako, Sky, ‘di ko na hahayaang hindi mo alam mga ganap ko’,” the corners of her lips finally curving upwards.
“Ikaw kaya nagsimula! Orbit-orbit pwede namang ‘buhay’ na lang!”
The atmosphere was suddenly lighter and Cobie finally felt at ease seeing the pain in Sky’s eyes waver.
“Pero seryoso, magku-kwento na ulit ako, Sky, ‘di ko na hahayaang may hindi ka alam sa buhay ko.”
“Tara na nga! Naudlot tuloy pagluto ko!”
Sky was patient. Cobie knew, and she wished that Sky would always find the words to tell her when her patience wasn’t enough to ease what was bothering her anymore.