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“Keep on smiling, they say. Let the doubters and haters watch that smile. Don’t give them that pleasure of seeing your sadness!”
It’s all you’ve been hearing over and over again. What the fuck was even going on with your personal life? Your friends turned their backs on you, your work/school life has been Hell, and in general you’ve been feeling like shit. Your life is just horrible. Everything that could possibly go wrong… goes wrong. Each day was getting harder to endure. It felt like a chore to get out of bed. You couldn’t even find entertainment in the things you loved. It is a constant depressive spiral that, clearly, has gone out of hand. What didn’t help were those constant, nagging questions…
“Do I not deserve happiness?”
“Can the pain please just end already?”
“Will I forever dream of a world that’s unattainable?”
Quite the existential questions. The answers depend on you.
Sometimes you just gave up asking yourself such things. Why bother asking questions—you know you’ll never be able to get answers. Maybe you wondered about such things to pass time. Maybe it was just to bring yourself to cry when you couldn’t. Maybe it was to feel something.
While on that thought, why not hit the casino? It’s not like you had much to lose anyway. Perhaps a dose of adrenaline will get you feeling at least an inkling of something. You put on something decent. While getting dressed, you stared at your reflection in the mirror. Was it really yours? Did it belong to someone who used to be happy, oh, so many years ago? Where was that child that could smile blissfully and ignorantly at life? You had to turn away from the mirror. The thoughts and questions were getting too loud. With a shaky breath, you headed off to the casino. Your preferred mode of transportation helped silence all the voices and thoughts. The respite of your internal thoughts was greatly needed. If it was just temporary.
The sight of the casino getting closer made you feel… something. Was it joy? Excitement? Giddiness? You welcomed the feeling like how one welcomes the cool breeze on a summer day. Even if the feeling gave you shivers, it was appreciated. You went through the main entrance and found yourself in a sea of slot machines. Above you was the sound of people conversing, gambling, and laughing. The sounds of the slots drew you in. You sat down at one of the benches and… wait. Were you smiling? Haha! Even though it was forced, it was better than nothing. You haven’t even put money in and you were already smiling! Part of you wanted to hug the machine in gratitude. You laughed the thought away as you put in some money.
“Let’s go gambling!” You shouted as you pulled the lever.
There was a mix of wins and losses. But the losses were more constant than the wins. It was starting to get overwhelming. To the point you even punched the machine. The metal against your hand stung for a bit. Whatever. Let the gambling continue!
“Heh, looks like someone’s addicted.” A snarky voice commented.
“Can you just shut up and let her gamble in peace, Trevor?” An annoyed voice responded.
The inner voices were enough; the exterior voices were worse. Can’t you just be at peace once? Can’t you just be happy without anyone or anything commenting? Dammit all and let the Devil take it. When you pulled the lever again you got another loss. You raised your arm to punch the machine, but suddenly your wrist was gripped tightly. You were afraid it was one of the employees, but it was some guy. He looked much older than you and he was dressed in a sharp grey suit with no tie. Behind him were two men standing close behind: a guy with horrible fashion sense and the other one with a yee-yee ass haircut.
“Hey, hey,” the man spoke with an even tone, “I know a gambler when I see one. You wouldn’t want to get kicked out of the only place you can gamble, right?”
You exhaled, “… I suppose.”
He carefully let go of your wrist and allowed it to fall to your side.
“Perhaps you just need to take a break?” He smiled, “may I invite you to one?”
You were a bit hesitant on accepting an invitation from a stranger. But it certainly beats being alone. You nodded as an acceptance to his invitation.
The man led you to the bar and you sat beside him on one of the stools.
He tapped the counter for the attention of the bar tender.
“‘Scuse me sir? I’d like a glass of whiskey, on the rocks. And whatever the pretty lady here wants.”
“O-Oh! I’d like a…”
After you two ordered, you tapped your glass nervously. It had been a while since you have socialized with anyone in person.
“The name’s Michael DeSanta,” he introduced himself with a welcoming one, “thanks for accepting my offer.”
You introduced yourself in return.
“So, I’ve seen you here before. Gambling and punching machines and even heard you screaming once while you left empty handed.” He chuckled as he took a sip of his drink, “quite the gambler, eh?”
You shrugged, “ah, yeah, I do! Haha… I really do it to feel something… to make me happy.”
He raised an eyebrow, “chasing for the generic unattainable dream?”
“Yeah,” you answered sheepishly.
“Lemme tell ya something,” he scooted closer to you, “if you keep chasing something you don’t know, you’ll never find it.”
You blinked for a few moments in realization. You’ve spent so much time chasing for something. Just something. Anything. This was a welcome piece of advice. You raised your drink to your lips and smiled against the rim. A genuine smile. Not a forced smile.
“Let me put it in some of your favorite terms,” he winked, “life’s a gamble. All of our experiences and choices are a gamble. Nothin’s for certain and everything goes by fast. Sometimes, too fast for you to make the right move. But sometimes, those are just the cards dealt. Sometimes, the odds just change. Sometimes, the dice roll in unexpected ways! You just gotta know when to fold or to check.”
Who knew such sage advice from a stranger would make you feel… hope. A reason to keep continuing. Life’s a gamble and there’s things worth gambling, so keep on gambling!
You rested your hand down and Michael rested your hand on his. His touch was warm and comforting. You glanced down and saw that he was wearing a wedding ring.
“Whoops, haha,” Michael took his ring off, “just ignore that.”
You gave an awkward smile and just laughed it off.
You continued to chat away with him about multiple things. It felt much better to talk with someone than to gamble endlessly. Until his two friends came along and told him it was time to leave.
“I must say it was a pleasure to converse with such a beauty like you,” he lifted your hand and planted a gentle kiss. A kiss! Then a second kiss! Even a third! Could it get any better than this?
He leaned close to you, barely leaving space between each others’ faces.
“So, when should we meet again?”
“Ah… maybe… oh, I don’t know!” You blushed, “I’ve never been given this much choice before!”
“How about this, I’ll give you my number and you can text whenever you’d like.”
You appreciated his offer and accepted his number.
When you arrived home, you felt different. You felt at peace that you didn’t burn all your money away. Not only that. You felt at peace. You finally felt hope for life. From the help from a very kind, and attractive, stranger. You certainly were going to shoot him a text soon.