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His parents and their guests were talking, their voices were insistently chattering away, grinding Tooru's nerves and not at all helping the sinking, drowning, feeling he was battling in order to not throw up what little he'd managed to eat that meal and to stop tears that would be the manifestation of his helplessness from escaping his eyes. His senses were flooded with his own thoughts, his own turmoil, leaving no room to pay much attention to the conversation happening around him. It felt too distant- way too far away- for it to actually matter.
And yet, Tooru could feel the automatic gentle smile that his face had fixed itself into. Tooru's eyes were fixed straight ahead and unseeing but he could still hear himself providing, on a silver platter, an appropriate and charming addition to the conversation. Their chuckles pierced his skull, almost mocking in their joy in the face of the sinking, sickening pit in Tooru's gut.
Crown Prince Tooru knew this day would come. It had become inevitable, unavoidable, three years ago. However, suddenly, he felt a surge of childish resentment towards his older sister, a resentment he'd felt before but it was overwhelming, far too overpowering now. It left him dizzy.
This was supposed to be her. She was meant to marry for the good of the kingdom and leave Tooru free to do pretty much as he pleased. He'd been raised with that assumption. The first seventeen years of his life had been spent living free, studying what interested him rather than every lesson be doused in diplomacy- Tooru did learn these things but not as in-depth as his sister did and he certainly had more spare lessons to learn what actually fascinated him- and doing no more than playfully entertaining some noble girls who seemed to lust after him.
He was happy with that, content, at peace. Especially after he'd found his best friend and lover in the most inconvenient yet wonderful of places.
Then his sister had wreaked havoc on all of that. She refused to marry any of the men their parents offered, refused them all without reason for two years until their parents had enough and confronted her, forcing the ugly truth out of her. It wasn't monstrous, when his sister had finally spit it out. It wasn't terrifying or horrible. It was just a little less than ideal. That was what Tooru had thought. Their parents had strongly disagreed.
When his sister had admitted to being in love with a lowly nobleman, so deeply in love that marrying for the kingdom's benefit was so far off the table it was in hell, all hell had broken loose at the confession. His mother had screamed herself raw and his father had broken the table with the force at which his fist collided with it.
They'd replaced the table that very night, it was an exact replica, only the carvings he and sister had dug into it when they were younger were gone.
That had also been the last time he'd seen his sister. She disappeared. Gone like she never existed. His parents never spoke about her again and he only dared utter her name in the quiet company of the night and his most trusted confidant.
She hadn't said anything to him before she left. She's left a short note, though, lamenting the way things had gone and telling him that he might be lucky enough to understand her sorrow and her harsh decision someday.
Tooru had hated her for it and hated her even more for the fact that she was right. If he could, Tooru would do what she had in a heartbeat and would feel not even an ounce of remorse. But he was the final heir to the throne and she had been more than selfish enough for the both of them.
As fate or fortune or the accursed universe would have it, the one Tooru fell in love with was a harsh, scowling boy, a boy who had slain hundreds. Not a lady who could sow or mend, although this wonderful boy could do both. Not even a lowly noble like his sister, no this boy was from a village and had fought his way to the top and to Tooru's side with nothing but skill and dedication alone. He fell in love with a boy who was beautiful from the spikes in his hair to the precious kindness in his soul. And he had watched that sixteen-year-old boy turn into the twenty-year-old man who stood protectively a few paces behind him even now.
Of course, Tooru had only gone and fallen in love with the worst person he could fall in love with, the only person who treated him as who he actually was- rather than who he was supposed to be- and he was a person Tooru couldn't have.
The previously perfect prince had fallen in love with the personal guard he'd been assigned when they were both sixteen and both just boys, after one too many attempts of kidnapping and drugging via aphrodisiacs. Perhaps that meant the prince never had been perfect, if he was capable of such transgressions against what he'd been taught from a young, young age.
And now, at twenty, his parents had decided they were 'tired of waiting' for Tooru to choose himself a suitable bride and so had taken it upon themselves to arrange this meeting with the lady they'd deemed the most ideal option. In truth, it was mainly because they didn't trust Tooru to choose his own bride, especially not after his sister's stunt, he knew that much and didn't understand the point of not telling him the full truth. What he did understand, though, was that this was just how his parents were.
And now, sitting at the replacement table, all Tooru wanted to do was sob. He needed to sob so hard his body shook and he could barely breathe and he needed to kiss Hajime Iwaizumi, his personal guard and the only person who Tooru had ever and would ever want. He needed to kiss Hajime until he figured out how to intertwine their souls, force them to be one, wound together so tight that absolutely nothing could even come close to prying them apart.
Hajime's presence felt heavy. Tooru liked to think he could feel his gaze burrowing into him but he, in all truth, could not and instead could safely assume that Hajime was probably choking down his own nausea whilst paying extra attention to the lady Tooru was set to marry, trying to find flaws or reasons to set off alarms, desperately hunting for reasons to call off the wedding and try again later- even if that later was only two days away.
It would still give them more time.
Against all odds, Tooru prayed Hajime would find something, anything. He was too far dethatched from his body to pay attention to what was happening around them but Hajime had always picked up the slack for him, just as he did when Hajime needed help with anything. Being the crown prince meant a very welcome 'nothing' when it was just him and Hajime.
Logically, however, Tooru knew that nothing would be found. There would be nothing wrong with the lady sitting a few seats away from him because she was a noble lady through and through, the cream of the crop. She managed to be poised and elegant and had a refined aura, even though she'd hardly said a word all evening and kept periodically looking behind her, at her guards. She radiated wealth and prestige, whilst also harbouring an empathetic and soft side that even Tooru, in his barely-there state, had noticed. This lady would have no glaring flaws and Tooru seethed at the fact.
She was beautiful, too, speaking purely aesthetically. She was clearly dressed in her finery, the dress went nicely with her hair and her jewellery twinkled profusely in the light that was spilling in from the huge stained glass windows that Hajime had a particular affinity for. Tooru had let him create his own stained glass masterpiece in the curved section of Tooru's grand bedroom window a year or so ago. It had turned out beautifully and Tooru often caught Hajime looking proudly at it. He'd always tease him but they both knew he would let Hajime re-do every window in the palace if that was what Hajime wanted.
So yes, the lady was beautiful. She was dressed in her best clothes, her hair carefully done up in a bun so that only a few strands hung before her face. Still, she could wear what she wanted, and none of it, absolutely nothing, would ever be able to compare to a bare Hajime grinning up at Tooru, all teeth, as he lay under him with the sun cascading through the window. It always gave Hajime an ethereal effect, and Tooru was nothing if not a devoted man.
"Well, I suggest the young'uns take a stroll together, I suspect they have a lot to talk about!" The lady's father boomed, jovial and completely unaware of the wrench this was throwing into Tooru's happy existence, a state that had only existed for the last four years.
Regardless, Tooru agreed to the idea with faux enthusiasm and led the lady out to rich gardens where he and Hajime had spent many peaceful days together, and equally as many unrestful ones acting like children, chasing each other around and tackling each other to the ground, laughing manically the entire time. The palace staff had thankfully turned a blind eye and chalked it up to just boys being boys. A lot of them probably pitied Tooru, they'd seen the depressing and isolated childhood he'd had after all- this was Hajime's theory. (Not that he could talk with the way his childhood had been). Tooru wasn't usually one to enjoy the idea of people pitying him but he couldn't find it within himself to care too much on this occasion, not when it allowed him to have so much fun.
They strolled in silence, their respective guards trailing behind them, both of them much closer than they strictly had to be and Tooru tried to find comfort in the sound of Hajime's familiar footsteps but he seemed to be off today, his septs uneven and firmer than usual, like Hajime was using all his strength to plant one foot in front of the other, like he'd forgotten how to act and walking was the very least of his concerns. Had Tooru been a less practised man, he imagined he himself would also be walking like he'd forgotten how to.
The silence was nice, for a change it let Tooru catch his breath a little but he knew they had to talk, the lady was clearly quite shy and he didn't want her telling her parents he was rude and standoff-ish. Heaven knows he'd get an earful and then some about it from his parents. They'd probably ban Tooru from attending Hajime's training and make him study trading routes instead. So, although it is the very last thing he wants to do, Tooru opens his mouth to start saying something but the sight of a beautiful patch of alstroemerias chokes him back into silence.
Alstroemeria's, Tooru had learnt, were part of the lily family. They symbolise love, strength, mutual support, a promise to help and aid- devotion. They were also Hajime's favourite.
Left feeling tilted and pathetic under the sweltering summer sun that he usually enjoyed so much was a horrifying notion. Would these be his summers going forward? Summers used to mean adventures with Hajime, sparring with Hajime, picnics with Hajime but would they now mean silent walks in the garden, choking on the need to talk but having nothing appropriate to say?
Tooru's hands were clammy and beads of sweat were rolling down his neck, just adding to all the uncomfortable sensations he was suffering from, and yet he was so cold. He felt icy under the burning sun, icy with dread and fear for what was to become of them.
All he could think of was Hajime, as per usual, only this time all Tooru wanted was to stop. He wanted to stop thinking and just get this horrible walk over with.
Unfortunately, that was not an option. As Hajime often poked fun at Tooru, not even a lobotomy could get him to stop thinking.
Hajime was right, naturally, and Tooru could do nothing but turn over the repulsive questions in his mind.
Their ignoring of the inevitable was over now but did that mean they were? Tooru had no problem committing adultery and sneaking around, if it was with Hajime, but ever virtuous and kind Hajime would take great issue with it, he'd put Tooru's wife's feelings above his own. Tooru was sure he'd wear him down eventually, they were too similar to magnets for Hajime to stay away for too long, but he'd rather not cause Hajime the distress. What was the alternative then? They have a professional relationship? They pretend nothing ever happened? Or would Tooru have to relieve Hajime of his duties to save them both the heartache?
No. Tooru firmly decided, anything but that. He'd be happy having Hajime in any way he could, even if he had to pretend that Hajime had never touched and seen what no one else ever could. Even if he'd have to pretend that making that beautiful man smile had never been the highlight of his days.
The silence stretched as they walked on and by this point, Tooru was far too worked up to care about what he looked like, glaring at the floor as if it had offended him. To her credit, the lady had shown no indication of unease or that she was any perturbed by his behaviour. That was good, it meant she probably wouldn't complain to his parents about his lack of manners. Probably. Hopefully. Not that it particularly mattered to him at this point; he was helpless to the push and pull of his parent's wills regardless. The sight of those flowers had successfully murdered any slight will he had to strike up a conversation anyway.
By now they were approaching the more secluded area of the marvellous gardens, the area that housed a great tree that Tooru had once bet Hajime a whole chicken he couldn't climb. Being as competitive as he was, Hajime hadn't hesitated to get climbing. It was a calm spring day and there was a slight breeze in the air but still, after around his sixth attempt, the exertion had forced Hajime to take off his shirt. That was the day of no return for Tooru Oikawa. He stood no chance when a shirtless Hajime had grinned, all victorious and boyish, down at him from the top of the tree he'd finally managed to climb. He was entirely helpless.
After Hajime had joined him back on the ground, Tooru had teased that succeeding on his tenth attempt was hardly worth a whole chicken and Hajime had threatened him with all manner of painful experiences if Tooru dared back down from their agreement. (Their midnight snack that night had, in fact, been an entire massive chicken that they were both still stuffed full from come breakfast.)
The lady pulled on Tooru a little, guiding him towards the quaint little bench that sat beneath that tree, the little bench he and Hajime frequented. He allowed himself to be gently tugged along, despite the churning sensation within him that was screaming that sitting on this bench with someone who was not Hajime but rather his future wife was something close to treason of the highest degree.
She pulled them both down onto the bench before turning to Tooru with an expression of utmost seriousness that forced Tooru's mind back into his body. It's clear she wants to say something so he should probably actually engage with her at least for this short while. Then he can go back to mourning all he will lose.
"Your royal highness, Tooru Oikawa," the lady began (ah, Tooru blinks, he should probably learn her name). "Please listen carefully to what I'm about to say."
"Why, of course, my lady," Tooru nodded with his trusty disarming smile as he fought back bile.
She nods at that and appears to steel herself for a minute. Tooru noticed the hands clenched into fists and the taunt rigidness in her posture. It's blatantly clear she's nervous about what she has to say yet the look in her eye, the determination and unwavering nerve piercing through Tooru, is something he can respect.
She took a breath and spoke. "I don't wish to offend you by saying this but I've always been taught that honesty is the best policy so I hope you'll understand. In fact, I'm sure you will. I am only marrying you because it's what's expected of me and what my parents want. I will never love you. I have no interest in loving you. But I'm confident that we can make an arrangement of sorts."
"An arrangement?" Tooru repeated, breathless, head reeling from the sudden hit of unfiltered honesty. His pride beats his reason- the silly, sinful thing that it is. "You don't even know me, how can you be sure you can't love me?" He snarled. How on earth was he supposed to not take offence to that?
"Tooru..." Hajime quietly scolded. The use of his given name in front of company was a little startling but Tooru was reeling far too much to give it any proper thought. Memories of the isolation and loneliness that characterised his childhood because no kids ever wanted to get to know Tooru, they heard 'prince' and assumed they knew everything they needed to know about him flood his mind, memories he'd rather never think about again are forced to the forefront and Tooru misses yesterday.
The lady looked slightly uncomfortable and flushed and he heard her guard step forward, threateningly, like Hajime had done many times when he was getting accosted by some indecent woman.
Tooru is aghast. He doesn't even know what he's saying, he doesn't understand what she's saying either. He really isn't sure why his reaction was to strong, so volatile. What she said is ideal for him and Hajime but maybe the heat is getting to him, maybe his inability to stomach any food today is catching up to him, or maybe it's just all too much for him and he's already feeling so dispondent that the idea of hope seems foreign and like a dangerous fantasy. Whatever it is, he knows he shouldn't be talking to the lady like that and, for the upteenth time in his life, Tooru is ever thankful that Hajime is right here with him. But still, these aren't the type of things that they're supposed to be open about. They're both supposed to pretend that they both want this and then either one or both of them sneak around with their secret lovers or something- the way his parents do. Her honesty is baffling, she has put herself at an insane disadvantage: Tooru could use this against her in any number of ways. Hell, Tooru could twist this into her being cruel and boasting about a lover she has and that she'll cuck-hold him and take over his kingdom or something. Hajime would back him up and Tooru's parents trust his word as if it were gospel (not that Tooru himself is any different). That would be enough to postpone the wedding at the very least.
Tooru took a deep breath like Hajime had trained him before he turned to look at her again. "Explain yourself. Please. I apologise for my outburst."
She nodded and smiled gratefully. "Yes, Your Royal Highness. I was suggesting that our marriage remains surface level, we rule in tandem but our lives remain entirely separate. What the other does is none of the other business."
"That's a very brave thing to just request," he sneered.
She shrugged, though her eyes were no longer boring into Tooru but fixed to where the guards stood. "It didn't look like you were too happy about the marriage- I could tell only because I was feeling the same way. However... I deeply apologise if I misunderstood. My only request is that you don't tell our parents the real reason you refuse to marry me." Her eyes are on Tooru again.
"You..." Tooru swallowed thickly, quickly weighing out his options as he scanned her face for any sign of dishonesty or falseness. He found none. "You understood correctly. This marriage isn't something I necessarily want. And I, too, know that I could never love you as a husband is supposed to love a wife."
She perked up at that, eyes glistening as if Tooru had said the best thing she'd ever heard. "Really?"
Tooru nodded, slowly, carefully. "I'm just curious as to why you'd risk so much for the sake of honesty. If I had reacted any different, it would have caused you and your family great trouble."
"It was a calculated risk. As I said, I saw your reaction and figured this would be my best chance at a marriage that allows me to keep my- that allows me my freedom."
Tooru raised an eyebrow at her stumble but said nothing.
They sit in silence a little longer, the sweltering sun doesn't feel as terrible all of a sudden. Although he still refuses to look behind him at Hajime. What does he think about the lady's proposal? It's strange, for sure, to openly suggest ignoring the sacrament that marriage is but it's not as if Tooru was going to observe the holiness either, not when Hajime was infinitely more divine. At least she had the gal to be upfront about it.
"Would you agree? To such an arrangement?" She asked, timidness seeping into her voice.
Tooru ignored her question in favour of asking his own. "Do you have a lover?"
She stiffened again, its minuscule, and her hands tightened around the fabric of her dress. "Yes." She answered after a beat.
"Hm," Tooru hummed. "You're certainly brave, you're honest, you're unafraid to speak up when you feel the need to and you're determined. Yes, I think you'd make a fine queen."
She seemed confused for a second but recovered quickly. "Is that you agreeing to my proposal?"
Tooru grinned at her, "I believe you truly are the best person my parents could have picked."
"Really?"
He laughed at her disbelief because he was feeling that exact same feeling. "Yes! I, too, suppose I must confess that I also have a lover."
"That's perfect," she sighed happily, eyes dancing from Tooru to the guards.
"And, on the subject of honesty, I must also confess that I don't know your name."
"Shimizu Kiyoko," she answered quickly, entirely untroubled by Tooru's mindlessness. She doesn't even bother to look at Tooru, happy eyes fixed on her guard, who Tooru can now very safely assume is her lover. Oh, how perfectly it has worked out.
Tooru himself turned around now, unthinking, and the second his eyes fell upon Hajime and Hajime's face which looks both elated and constipated for some god-forsaken reason, he is helpless against the bubbling laugh that escaped him. He's laughing loud and free as he throws himself at Hajime.
Despite all of Hajime's long training sessions and supposed killer reflexes, he and Tooru still tumbled to the ground, loud clanging sounds and yelps of surprise play as their ballad before they ended up a tangled mess of limbs on the luscious green grass.
"Tooru-! Uh- Prince Oikawa! What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head as a child? Or did I finally manage to land the blow that broke you?" Hajime scowled up at him. It's adorable and Tooru feels himself laughing again, open and completely unabashed, ignoring their audience of two completely, an audience that likely isn't paying attention to the two of them anyway.
Tooru doesn't whine that calling him by his title and then insulting him in the next breath completely defeats the purpose, instead, he laughs in his face.
"Hajime! Why do you look so constipated?"
"I don't look constipated," Hajime growled, pulling Tooru down until their foreheads were resting together. "It's just a lot to take in... it seems too good to be true," he admitted, softly, and Tooru also softened instantly.
"I've always told you that we're destined, even the universe thinks we're perfect together."
His lover let out an amused huff. "I know that, you idiot."
The insult loses any remaining punch it may have had because tears are rolling down Hajime's cheeks and Tooru realises that his eyes are leaking too. They stare at each other and start laughing again and god, pure joy looks heavenly on Hajime's face.
"We're destined," Tooru preened and Hajime chortled, honest and ugly. He's the best thing Tooru has.
They both bask in the moment, bask in the feeling of that horrible weight being lifted off their shoulders, for a while. They deserve it, Tooru thinks, after surviving the most draining afternoon of their entire lives. The sun strokes their features and makes their tears glisten in its light and its glorious. Tooru feels warm.
Eventually and a little reluctantly, although not overly reluctantly because the ground is nowhere near as comfortable as his bed that they're going to visit as soon as possible, Tooru gets off Hajime and turns to look at the other set of lovers. And, yes, lovers they clearly are.
Lady Kiyoko was giggling and blushing as her lover (ah, now he should probably find his name out) held her hand ever so gently and whispered probably sweet words into her ear.
"We should probably head back and confirm our betrothal to our parents," Tooru smiled, feeling lighter than ever as he helped Hajime haul up to his feet.
"Good idea," Lady Kiyoko agreed. Her lover seems a little disappointed but it's alright because now he can whisper sweet nothings into her ear for the rest of her life. After all, this match has turned out to be the most ideal thing it possibly could have been.
Tooru feels a thousand times lighter for the first time in his life. He's feeling optimistic as he takes his expected place next to Lady Kiyoko, grinning, satisfied with the knowledge that he and Hajime can now safely have each other forever.
"I won't have sex with you for the purpose of bearing children," Tooru warns lowly to Lady Kiyoko, who lets out a surprised guffaw at the crudeness.
"Don't worry, that was not even on the table as long as my Ryu is around," she giggled so lovingly that Tooru suddenly felt a little worried that he doesn't also act like that. That would be mortifying. "We'll just have to hope the children look more like me than him."
Tooru chuckled. "Let's hope so, indeed. It would be quite the royal scandal."
He then shoots a smile back at Hajime just because he can, with this new lightness and the cover having a soon-to-be-wife will provide, and Hajime smiles back. It's all teeth and exhilaration.
God, Tooru is the happiest man to have ever lived.