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It's been cold since you left this plane. It's been nipping at my fingers and toes. Biting my ears and nose. Gnawing at my guts. Breaking my bones.
I convince myself that every step is a new beginning I can break into a new road. But it's been miserable treading along these overgrown roots. Nothing but dirt and broken, dried twigs. I think I might have gone off road. The ground doesn't seem clear and easy anymore. Since when did the terrain get so turbulent?
Perhaps...you'd want me to keep going. I'm not actually sure. I was never sure. I especially was never sure of you. I never knew you. I knew you better than anyone...or at least that's what I tell myself...NO I was right! I knew you the best! No one else could even comapre with my knowledge of you. I may have never known you but that's a lot further than others have gotten.
I only knew you at the end of your life, it seems. I wish I could just tell you...everything. Daisy never came. Gatsby, she is a reckless girl with a flimsy heart and a fragile mind. She was never going to come.
Even if you did make it, even if by some miracle she ran away with you, it wouldn't work. You hold onto the day where she said she loved both of you with white knuckles. You could never let that go. You can never let anything go. You would've yelled at her about how she never chose you completely. You would've needed a sick amount of reassurance. You would've broken her down the same way Tom weighs on her every action.
You only saw your past as your future. You had such a vivid scene of how it would all turn out. You ignored every single thing that wasn't a part of your goal. Was I just a milestone to you? Would I just be a step in a plan? I wish I knew. I can only believe that I was something bigger in your life, but the reoccurring theme earns its name once more because I never knew you and I'll never know for sure.
I won't see you again. You won't see me again. Well...maybe you can see me. I never believed in ghosts, but something gives me comfort at the thought you might be here. Sometimes I turn corners and expect you to be down the hall. I'll stand for a minute and wait to hear your footstep pattern. Every once in a while I convince myself you're next to me. And, unfortunately, every day I'll see your face in mine.
Oh who am I kidding? You're dead. You're dead because of me. I know so. How could I ignore it? My existence marked your inevitable doom... I lied, I take it back! who am I kidding? I have no role in this world. So how could my flickering light diminish your supernova? It can't. And that's why it's not my fault.
What a cruel way to wake up from an otherwise gray scale world. Your end marked a new beginning for me. A beginning where I am alone. I didn't realize how much our social lives overlapped, and I never expected they'd be so prepared to leave. I grew up around the wealthy my whole life. I've learned to not trust a word that falls from their upturned mouths. Then the craziest thing happened. I moved next to you. I lived next to you. Just as you had made me live, you had let me die alongside you.
See you soon,
Nick