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Joong chuckled as he watched dunk move around their kitchen, his heart still beating just as fast as it did the first time he realised his feelings, but the smile dropped off his face as quickly as it appeared when he saw dunk smiling with an airpod in his ear. He knew that look, had seen it directed at him for the past two years- until it wasn't.
As the seasons changed, so did dunk's muse. Screw him, joong liked to be poetic in his misery. He watched, his expression tight as dunk moved around the kitchen with ease, baking cookies. But it wasn't for joong, it hadn't been for quite sometime now. But joong pushed that thought away, getting up and moving towards dunk, his heart heavy with something akin to pain.
He hesitated - realising that he has been doing that a lot around dunk nowadays - as he slipped his arm around dunk's waist. He expected the tight smile he got in return and the muscles that once relaxed under his slightest touch seemed to become tense, what had happened to them?
It was as if yesterday, they were talking about getting a new apartment for them to stay together but now, joong barely saw dunk. The latter was always busy with something… or someone. Joong wasn't doubting dunk, one couldn't doubt things that were right in front of them, could they? They could only be in denial, exactly where joong was right now.
He again pushed the thought away to the back of his mind knowing that it'll come back sooner rather than later.
“Joong.” He heard dunk say, pushing away his arm. Joong realised he had been zoning out again, but he smiled as he looked dunk. Pain swirling in his belly as he realised dunk looked at him with an expression that should've been so foreign to joong but the man had gotten used to it, he, for sure, was a good learner.
“Joong.” Dunk said again, shaking joong by his arm. “Yeah?” Joong said, taking in as much of dunk's body heat as he could from the simple touch.
“Can you keep an eye on the cookies for me? I need to talk to ryu for a minute.” dunk said, not waiting for joong's reply as he went to their room.
“... sure.” Joong whispered into the, now empty, kitchen.
He turned off the oven as the cookies were ready, going towards their room to call dunk, when he heard something.
“...meaning to tell him for a while now.” It was dunk, and he was talking to ryu.
Not wanting to hear something he wasn't ready for, joong knocked on the door before he opened it. “Hey, the cookies are ready.” He said, peeking his head in. He saw dunk nod at him before he went back, his heart racing.
Fuck.
He had a really bad feeling.
He sat on the couch as dunk came out, but instead of going towards the kitchen, the man came up to him. Joong straightened his back, sitting properly as dunk sat on the single seater and not next to him.
“Um, I've been meaning to talk to you for sometime.” Dunk said, his voice laced with awkwardness. Joong gulped, his heartbeat slowing down, his nerves flying as his palm sweated. He should've known this was coming. He should've. He fucking did.
He tried to nod as he looked down at his fingers, “can you at least look at me right now?” He heard dunk say and tried his best to hold his head up. His mind, as if not his own right now, felt heavy as metal.
“I think you know what I'm going to talk about.” Dunk whispered, joong bit his lip holding back the chuckle that still seemed to escape. Of course he did. Of-fucking-course he knew what dunk was going to say. He's had this conversation with his own self since the past 3 months. Who would know it better than him?
“I don't think what we have right now is okay for the both of us.” He heard dunk say, and his chest swelled with anger and hurt so potent it made him blind with rage.
And he laughed. He laughed because it was funny. It was humorous. His misery made him laugh. “You're so fucking selfish, you know that.” He heard a rough voice whisper between the air, and realised that it was him. He was talking to dunk like that.
“What?”
“Shut the fuck up. How long?” He said, finally meeting dunk's eyes, his chest tightening with pain as dunk's eyes filled with guilt.
“Are you- are you accusing me of cheating on you right now?” Dunk asked as if he couldn't believe it. “Well, didn't you?” Joong laughed without humour.
“You know I would never-”
“oh shut up! You know damn well that emotional cheating is as horrible as physical, even worse!” Joong shouted, not caring that dunk hated when he shouted.
“No. That's not what happened and you know it.” Dunk said, trying to grab joong's arm but he pushed him away, seething in anger now. “It isn't? Are you sure? Tell me how many times you've called me and then compare it to the number of times you've called him.”
“He's just a-”
“Say friend I dare you! Fuck! You promised, you fucking promised.” Joong yelled, his vision blurry but he didn't care. All he cared about was the dam that was now broken and was spilling its guts out.
“You promised that I didn't need to worry.” Joong said, looking at dunk with betrayal in his eyes. He felt exhausted, he wanted to sleep and be free of this. So he got up, about to go to his room when dunk held his arm,
“You're not leaving until we're done talking.” He said, pulling him back. “I'm done. I'm done talking, and I'm done being the side chick. So spit out whatever you want to.” Joong said, his words harsh but now reflecting even an ounce of pain he felt.
“Joong, you know I would never lie to you-” Dunk started, his heart growing heavy when joong scoffed, tears in both of their eyes. “But you did, didn't you? How much longer will you pretend?” Joong whispered, begging with his eyes for dunk to just leave the conversation and let joong live with his misery.
“I didn't! You don't you understand-”
“Understand what!? What is there to understand? That you're in love with someone else? That's it's not the same anymore? I've noticed! Fuck, nobody has noticed it more than me because I'm the one being left behind! You don't get to play the victim card here! Fuck you.” Joong said, tearing streaming down his face fully now. His chest tightened uncontrollably in anguish, the need to rip his heart out getting to him as he starts to pace around the room, tugging his hair.
“im sorry-”
“Sorry is not enough! Just please, please let me be. I was happy pretending that everything was fine so let me be.” Joong said, holding his hands up as if pleading, his eyes begging to be left alone. “You- you just- why would you do this?” He said, holding dunk's arms, his grip still careful enough that it wouldn't hurt.
And dunk couldn't do it anymore, he burst into tears as he pulled joong into his embrace, whispering sweet nothings into his ears as the man broke down, his wails loud and painful. He looked so broken and damaged that dunk was afraid he had gone too far just to protect him. How was he supposed to fix this? How could he tell joong that he needed them to be apart?
“I… I love you.” He whispered as Joong's cries calmed down to hiccups. And then his body tensed, trying to push him away but dunk held him close. “Let me complete. I love you so much and I would never, ever betray you. I know you're doubting me because of how much I talk to ryu nowadays but it was all planned.” Dunk said, his fingers running through joong's hair to calm him down. He felt when joong let out a confused sound from the back of his throat.
“Well, the company wanted us to stay away from each other for awhile so that we could focus on our individual careers. They knew you wouldn't agree so they reached out to me. But then, you started getting hate comments and stuff on social media.” dunk continued, letting joong get up into a sitting position now. “I asked ryu about it and he suggested that I stay away from you purposefully so that the hate shifts from you to me. But then people started hating you more. Which created so much self doubt in me that the best option to end it seemed to be the end for us as well.” he said, taking a deep breath as joong's face transformed from pain to realisation.
“So you-”
“Yes. So I tried to make the fans hate me instead of you cause I knew I could take it. But somehow along the way I started making you hate me too.” He said, looking down in regret.
“I don't know how to say this but the self doubt started eating me up from the inside and i realised that I too couldn't take the hate. Nobody should have to.” Dunk said, and then he felt joong hands around his shoulders, pulling him into his chest. He sighed against the warm body, his muscles relaxing after a long time.
“It's okay. It's okay, darling. I understand now. But you should've told me about it. We could've walked through it.” Joong said, running his hand up and down dunk's spine to calm him down.
“I know. But you were so stressed and I just wanted to help…” dunk whispered, looking down. Joong kissed his forehead, sniffing his hair, “I know baby. It's okay, we'll be okay.” He said, pulling him closer.
“Promise?” Dunk asked, his voice still laced with self doubt and joong nodded his head firmly. “Yes, of course.” He knew what he had to do now. He needed to erase dunk's doubts about himself and their relationship, and they would take one step at a time.
Because now he knew for sure, though the seasons might change, dunk's muse would always be joong. Well, turns out, he was poetic in general.
~the end