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After the much-needed shower, Kaidan headed back to the observation deck, where he had set up a nice bunk for himself. Although he didn’t get a lot of privacy, he found small comforts in staring out at the stars despite not knowing where his father or students were. Dressed in casual sweats and a blue hoodie, he was towelling off his hair and stopped just inside the doorway when he spotted her.
With her arms crossed, Shepard stood watching those same stars. She seemed lost in thought as she didn’t even turn to greet him or acknowledge him. She had been quiet since they left Gellix. She hadn’t really spoken much about the crew who had followed her through the Omega Relay, and she had seemed genuinely surprised when Jacob Taylor said he was going to be a father.
Kaidan didn’t bother announcing his presence; he tossed the towel aside and walked over to her, standing only a few feet apart. They didn’t speak, and there was no need to shatter the rare silence. At least, not yet.
A certain amount of tension hung in the air. Kaidan watched her from the corner of his eye, and he spotted little red crescents etched into her skin where her fingers were embedded into the skin of her forearm. It was like she was literally holding herself together.
“Shepard,” he finally said, his voice incredibly low.
“I’m fine,” she said; the words were automatic and extremely unconvincing to someone who had once known her so well.
Kaidan frowned. “You’re a terrible liar,” he managed to mumble as he put his hands on his hips, casually looking out at the stars.
Her jaw tightened. “Kaidan…”
“Don’t Kaidan me,” he whispered, almost nonchalantly and then turned to her a little more. Kaidan let his hands slip from his hips and folded his arms. “What’s going on? You’ve a little black cloud over your head, Commander.”
Despite everything, her lips twitched faintly, and he thought he was going to be rewarded with a smile. It faded just as quickly as it had appeared. Her eyes remained fixated on the stars. “You ever feel like you’re running out of time?”
Kaidan arched an eyebrow. “With the Reapers?” he asked, a little confused as he studied her.
She looked at him for the first time since he had entered the room, eyes searching his. “Jacob’s going to be a father,” she said abruptly.
Blinking quickly, Kaidan couldn’t understand why she was bringing up her former crewmate. “Yeah, I heard him say that to you.”
Shepard turned away again. “I didn’t even know he was seeing someone,” she confessed, and it had become apparent how far she had drifted away from everyone during her forced downtime in Vancouver. Six months under house arrest was six months she could have spent developing a way to prevent the Reapers from breaching their system. “And now he may not even get the chance to meet his kid.”
Her thoughts went back to the young boy she had watched die when the Reaper fired upon the shuttle that was evacuating HQ. The boy haunted each and every dream, and she was forced to watch him burn night after night; she felt like she was going insane.
“We’ll make sure he gets the chance, Shepard,” Kaidan reassured her.
Again, her lips twitched, but the smile didn’t quite shine through. “It’s not just Jacob and Bryn,” she confessed, her delicate brows furrowing as she debated how much to share with her friend about the thoughts swirling inside her frazzled mind. “I guess I have regrets of my own. Then again, people like me don’t get that happy ending.” She sighed. “I guess if the Reapers get their own way, we never will.”
Kaidan swallowed hard when she said that, and he fought every single impulse to reach out and touch her shoulder. He desperately wanted to tell she was wrong, to remind her that he was standing right there and that he still loved her. He wanted to tell her that the words he had said out of anger back on Mars were said because he was scared that he had lost her for good. Kaidan wanted to tell her that if she just gave him the word, they could figure out a happy ending together.
But he didn’t say a word.
Instead, he pursed his lips together and turned back to the stars. His hands curled into loose fists at his side, and his heart screamed at him to say something and tell her how he felt, but fear continued to hold him back. The timing felt wrong, and he was afraid of what her response might be to such a gesture.
“You know, Shepard,” he said softly. “Seeing as we are heading back to the Citadel, maybe we could grab lunch or something. Get away from the chaos for a bit?”
At that comment, Shepard finally turned to look at him once more. Her expression was still just as guarded as it had been when he first came in. Then she smiled. It wasn’t huge, but it was a genuine one, and it felt like the sun peeking out from behind the clouds after a gigantic storm. “Okay,” she whispered.
Kaidan returned the smile as she turned back to the stars, her shoulders slumping as she relaxed. However, his eyes remained on her, and he didn’t say anything else, but he did reach a monumental decision.
During their lunch together, he would tell her everything that was in his heart. Kaidan would say everything he never had the opportunity to say before everything went to Hell. And, most importantly, he’d tell her that he wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.