Work Text:
“And that’s all there is to it” chimed Komari’s voice as she put her hand on Rin’s shoulder. Woah, they both look quite nervous. Komari and Rin asked me to come outside so they could tell me this. And here I was, sitting beside the tree, listening to what they had to tell me. Well, it was mostly Rin explaining it since she insisted to. Though, she was becoming more and more embarrassed about it until Komari had to take over. My sister never really changes…
At first I hummed in response and just looked at them. So she and Komari are officially going out. Truthfully, I was slightly stunned. Then I smiled and began laughing.
“What’s so funny?!” Rin cut in a flustered tone.
“I’m just so happy!” I rose to my feet and was facing the now-official girlfriends. “Rin, you bonding with everyone, getting happy memories, and look at yourself! You even have a girlfriend before any of us!”
Oh. She’s now hiding her face in Komari’s side. I might have overdone it. Komari was just smiling awkwardly, patting her and turning between both of us so she knew what was going on.
“I’m so glad you’re happy about us! We were really contemplating how to tell you” Komari added. I remembered her Happiness Spiral theory, to which I could only smile wider and ruffle both their heads.
“As long as you’re supporting each other as you always do, I’d be over the moon.” Is all I had to say. There wasn’t really anything else to do about this, so I waved them a bye and continued on my way, still smiling widely. Later that evening, Masato immediately pointed out I looked happy, to which Kengo and Riki could concluded that I finally was told the great news.
With time, Rin has managed to open up enough to fully enjoy the activities with her friends. I already noticed that when we went to our field trip when I came back, but she now she opened up a little more. Still shy as usual, which occasionally burst into a quarrel between her and Masato.
I used to think that Riki and Rin being together after the dream world ending was the best outcome, but with them preventing everyone’s deaths, that no longer was necessary, or even possible. But by all circumstances, Rin treasures Komari in a different light. Because Rin loved Komari as a lover, and as a friend.
Their explanation included that they made it official just before I came back from my last job hunt. They also detailed how they went on a date and how they had the others help them prepare. I can only imagine what went down. I slightly regret I couldn’t see their first awkwardness as a couple, but then again, they were always awkward. Well, I suppose I’d find out if anyone themselves told me about it, so I let that rest at the back of my mind. There wasn’t much to think with this new information coming into my life other than feel relief.
…
..
.
Alright, I lied.
It wasn’t about Rin and Komari actually, but something made me feel uneasy and I wanted to find out what. To start off, they both are the first ones from the little busters to date. Apart from relying on their friends, they can now bond romantically and support each other more. In other words, someone had confessed to their crush, and it was mutual. No hard feelings. No pain or anxiety. It was all as simple as that. Oh yeah. I quickly realize it and regret opening this door in my mind.
Before I force that door closed, thoughts already spill in my brain.
My supposedly confident and open personality, clashing with Rin’s timid and blunt self would only make people think it would be me who would have confessed to the one I loved and hit it off, while Rin wasn’t able to do much.
There’s one thing wrong. Rin’s not as timid and isolated as before. And there are also many unviewed things in this situation to foolishly conclude it’s impossible for her to date. If she loved Komari and Rin loved her, did it matter if any of them was naturally shy?
And a final thing, who said it was that easy to con-
The change from looking absentmindedly at my manga to gazing from the window probably lasted for a second’s fraction, but only now do I stop discussing what I had in my mind. I always mentally curse myself for ever thinking about him in that way, but this time I stopped myself in the nick of time. I already thought enough in the past, and if nothing about that mind flow is ever changing, why do I still want to go over it?
--
“Hey Riki” I suddenly speak up playfully. “Is there anyone you like?” he almost chokes on his cocoa. Oh, he definitely has someone on his mind.
“Why are you suddenly asking me th-that….I should have seen something like that coming” Riki slightly stammered.
After exchanging some jokes in the club room beforehand, I continued going through equipment while Riki was making notes in his notebook. He was surely contemplating for the upcoming match, how inspiring of a leader he is. So I decided to break the ice of tension, quite literally. Though he should have seen that ridiculous face he made, it was hilarious.
“….if you’re wondering so much, I guess there’s no point lying to you. After all, you know me better than anyone, Kyousuke.” wait a second.
At this point I turn to him in complete surprise, breaking my usually cool-looking composure. It was such a shock to me, Riki just stared at me. Funnily enough my astonishment resembles the time when Masato brought me up for the first time when teasing Riki about who he liked. After that, I just played along.
“So you do like someone?!” my voice sounded half-desperate, half-excited, which prompted Riki to look away shyly.
“Yes. They’ve been on my mind for some time” he continued.
“That’s quite a vague description.”
“Well….This person means so much to me…I.” this entire situation turned to a new direction and all I could do was hang on every of his words, taking them as if I wasn’t breathing at some point. “I wouldn’t know what to do without this person ever entering my life.”
Okay wait a second. It’s quite unusual for Riki to open up like this. So he’s gotten this confident. I could smile at this. Well, this meant it’s someone he already knows, if not, it’s someone even I know of. From this I can also tell it’s obviously someone within the little busters. But for some reason….it’s harder to tell…..
“It’s not Rin or Komari, right?” is all I could ask.
“…..huh?” Riki could only look at me in disbelief. He looked close to burst out, possibly with frustration, yet that never happens.
I immediately realize it was a stupid question, of course it can’t be either of them. Riki would have been feeling and describing jealousy now, rather than what seemed to be hopefulness in his eyes.
“Sorry, Riki, that wasn’t appropriate to ask.”
Riki shook his head, he wasn’t so bothered by my question specifically, I think. He even chuckles a bit.
“Kyousuke, you couldn’t read me for once, could you?” I suddenly felt something tearing at my chest painfully. At that point it was awkward silence for what felt an eternity until I changed the topic, by pointing out his spilt cocoa. A cheap trick to avoid this subject, I can admit.
--
A few days later and I still am pondering over it whenever I’m alone. I just can’t piece this. All I concluded to be that Riki was hinting at who he was crushing on, he was possibly expecting me to spell out the name and prompt his shock. Did he want help with confessing?
This is probably the result of him having dated all the girls in the little busters in the dream world. I could easily tell who he was after in each loop, but it was because I knew with whom he spent more time with. So Riki is the one with the actual love experience, not me.
What still didn’t fit for me was how weird it all was. If Riki can confess to his crush on his own, why hasn’t he so far? The real question to me is how he has not made his move yet. Rin and Komari have. For whom is he hesitating for so hard?
Crushes, huh. It’s always so difficult around them, is what people say, although I will partially disagree. What’s more difficult is avoiding thinking of them.
No matter how used I am to holding his hand, I still feel oh so at peace. I’ve considered him my best friend for god knows how long. He’s one of the people I turn to for opinion, his reactions to anything amuse me in many ways…..
There was just so much you could go on about Riki Naoe, and I felt happy for his successes, tried to comfort him in his losses so he could grow and recover as much as possible. He is splendid for doing so much alone too. He deserves his happy ending, saving us all, the little busters, with Rin, being in love for real, maybe changing relationships, becoming an adult, possibly having a family of his own. He deserves it after having initially lost his and having a new one offered by me.
His strength is amiable is what I want to say. After watching out for him for so many years, now I only can watch him. Riki would seem plain at first, but he is incredible in so many ways.
He’s also the cutest person I have ever known. Not even any fictional character could top him…
At some point, I notice that I was getting warmer in the cheeks. This is ironic, and also naïve. Why should I think about Riki when the issue is who he is thinking about?
I feel the biggest difficulty is falling in love with someone you shouldn’t love like that.
--
“Kudryavka! Please be careful!”
“No worry, I will be!” I heard Noumi yell out as she ran past me, and then turned to face forward. All I could see in her previous direction was Haruka’s twin sister, waving her a goodbye.
It was the middle of the baseball practice, so it’s always unusual to most of us when Kanata decides to take a rest from her Disciplinary Committee duties to watch us here for a bit. Hahah, we usually expect her to warn us of something we weren’t supposed to be doing. In the end, Kanata isn’t as heartless as she first appeared, especially when things between her and Haruka were finally resolved. What at first was Haruka’s regret in life became something of the past.
Apart from chatting with Haruka, her other main focus appeared to be on Noumi, her roommate actually. Kanata spoke softly to her and was the only other person outside of the little busters who took her seriously. As much as Kanata seemed distant, both Kurugaya and I could exchange glances knowing of the possible truth. Hell, even the noisy girl herself would drop jokes, embarrassing both Kanata and Noumi at times.
Was she one to speak though?
Haruka would do the exact same thing with Mio, except it was louder, more vibrant, and probably more random than anything I’ve seen from her yet.
Haruka would even bluntly ask Mio ‘Hey! Let’s go on a date! To the arcade maybe!’ to which Mio smiled (rather suspiciously) and responded with a ‘Sure, as long as I get to read something.’ ‘WAAAH but I was hoping with double team in games! You could always read the instructions then!’ ‘…I’ll think about it’
Though, they don’t ever go out. My theory is that they either do so in silent, defying the Haruka laws of physics. My other theory is that they both are too awkward to do anything yet. Or-
“Sunday!? I look forward to it!” then I could hear Mio chuckle.
“I thought it wasn’t necessary for us to go on a date, but if you so insist…” I think I almost hung my mouth open, but Masato’s vocal surprise was enough of a reaction. Did they just agree on a date while we’re putting away our equipment?!
For once their conversation shifted differently I guess. It’s incredible. The sun and the moon agreed to meet at dusk, or so would a manga narrator say.
What made me focus was Mio’s wording. I think the ever-dull Haruka realized so too as she touched her now heating face with her own hands and yelled out.
“Wait, since when were we official!?”
I noticed Riki making that one face. I feel the same way, buddy. Kurugaya could only smile and laugh as it all happen.
I think Mio took it quite literally from that one time: Haruka randomly tackling Mio yelling out how she adored her, to which Mio hummed in response and continued her book. Well that explains why she couldn’t look at Haruka’s face……or was it just that Mio couldn’t react properly?
Eventually the situation died out and we continued on cleaning up. I wish I could explain the details on what was going on, but so much, and I was serious, so much happened within a mere ten minutes…
I noticed Riki was smiling at Haruka and Mio in the end. What if I teased him…?
“Hey Riki, let’s go out!” He dropped the metal bat he was carrying. Somehow it missed landing on Masato’s foot. Incredible…Riki was completely blushing as he got flabbergasted.
“Oh, what a bold move, Kyousuke!” Masato stared with his usual curiosity. Kengo only smiled at me briefly before continuing minding his business.
“Ah, I meant in the courtyard a bit later.” Riki widened his eyes in slight horror. I do have to admit I’m the asshole responsible for the misinterpretation; it wasn’t Riki assuming the wrong thing. Unless he was reacting over something else……why do I suddenly doubt my judgement based on Riki’s body language?
I waved my hand and explained I was trying to think of a ‘cool way to invite friends to the courtyard’ to which Kengo and Kurugaya joined in the discussion. The rest of the day passed by uneventful.
The same evening I lay on my bed, ready to sleep. I realized I did something I shouldn’t have. No one said anything of course, but given one of my recent conversations with Riki alone, it was natural to realize Riki only told me about his love interest. Yet there I went and teased into thinking I was in fact asking him out.
For numerous reasons, I started to feel uncomfortable with myself. I guess I was distracted with Mio and Haruka agreeing to date, in such open way, that I decided to see how it would be if Riki were told that.
It wasn’t fair to Riki. This wasn’t the dream world, where there was a big possibility of Riki having his memories blurred from the events then. And there was another thing. Ever since his partial confession, I felt doubt on trying to deduct what he was thinking of. Sure, it did make me feel shock, but it’d be more worrying if I could read him too much. Going back to today, what was he thinking when he dropped the baseball bat?
I hated to reach this sort of conclusion at times when it came to Riki, but there wasn’t much I could get out of it-
He was uncomfortable with me being like this. I wonder if how I truly feel was obvious to him at some point, which prompted Riki to directly tell me he has a romantic interest. The puzzle pieces started to awkwardly fit together. It was so, so obvious, I felt hatred to the point it pained my head.
Riki already loves someone else.
--
“IS THIS A CHALLENGE, KENGO?” jeez, he was louder than usual, the cafeteria echoes well. This felt like a déjà vu.
“Come at me with all you have then!” ok, this guy was different.
In short, Kengo appeared quite incredible. I don’t want to describe ridiculous as Riki or Masato would; his jumper is the coolest thing created by man! What only was ridiculous him wielding a baseball bat, rather than his wooden sword.
To be fair, Kengo actually quit the kendo club. It was a surprise to me once I came back from the hospital months ago, but what Kengo wanted the most wasn’t being a champion in kendo. It was to spend time with his friends, the little busters. Quite a simple boy, but we all love him nonetheless.
Riki rose from his seat, trying to calm them down. Oh, he succeeded for once. All I did was continue slurping my noodles as I was thinking about manga. I did pay attention to my surroundings though.
A small flashback:
“Say, everyone, what do we do now?” it was Masato who started it. Although not even being his fault, he’d try to pin the blame on Kengo for ‘challenging’ him. Masato was just playing fool though, like in the dream world.
“What do you mean?” Riki caught the bait.
“Well, Rin and Komari are going out, and now even the nosy Haruka being together with the questionably-pure Mio is a thing! Even Rin, who is really awkward, is dating!”
“You mentioned Rin twice.” Kengo said.
“Maybe it was for emphasis, maybe it wasn’t” Riki laughed sheepishly. You both should give Masato a break sometimes…
“This time it’s an emphasis! I have nothing to be sorry about this time” it’s rare for this not to be a blunder of Masato’s choice of words, and given his honestly, I doubted he was lying.
“Back to topic, when do us men make the real move with love?!” Masato dramatically waved his hand, and was close to swatting my manga off my hands…….too close…
“Oh, I see now, Masato!” Riki responded brightly. “Kyousuke, do you have anyone in mind?”
“No.” I almost cut him off, it’s funny how he still turns to me first for opinion...
“Then who would you hypothetically pick if any of you were to date?” Masato rephrased himself. Well, what a good question. I’m sure he and Kengo know the answer to that, dream worlds can only bond you with your friends that much.
Silence. No one was willing to answer it seems. Riki looks at Masato awkwardly, I wonder what hid behind that exchange….? I slightly wanted to lay my eyes off the manga and continue gazing at Riki, but this wasn’t the right time or place.Silence. No one was willing to answer it seems. Riki looks at Masato awkwardly, I wonder what hid behind that exchange….? I slightly wanted to lay my eyes off the manga and continue gazing at Riki, but this wasn’t the right time or place.
“I would pick Masato” My head filled with exclamation marks, but after learning how to mostly keep my cool, I didn’t produce a reaction like Riki and Masato. I smiled at how simple of a child he was. “And take him to an arcade so I could beat him in the games there.”
Yes, it was in fact the usually collected Kengo to have continued the conversation forward. Riki smiled too. But seriously, what’s with arcades that they’ve been brought up a couple of times this week?!
And back to the present. Doubtlessly, we got attention from all students, not like it mattered to me in the slightest. Hell, no one heard the rest of the conversation. Riki took action and brought them outside, and I took it as an opportunity to snatch a couple of everyone’s French fries. I’m shameless, but it’ll also be a personal reason if I suddenly decided to take the three out to town again and randomly got them fries. My excuse? Youth is too short. A well-known aphorism forged by Masato himself.
I was frustrated with myself, I really wanted to tell Riki something cheesy. I wasn’t sure what, but I just wanted to take him by the hand and leave the cafeteria with him instead. But, I couldn’t just snatch him away from the duties as a leader of the little busters. It was Sunday and the girls went into town, so us four were only left.
“I’m back…” Riki sat down on his seat in a tired sigh. “How long were we outside?”
“About five minutes.”
“Ah. Masato and Kengo will be back in a couple of minutes, they got uh, a little bit emotional so they’re comforting each other. I decided to leave them alone for a bit.”
“Good work leader.” I extended my arm and pat his head a bit as I was grinning at him. He returned a soft smile and chuckled a bit.
He was so considerate. If it were me, I’d have made them duel so they sent their frustration into fun. But Riki’s method has proven possibly more effective than mine. I continued gazing at him until I notice he already looked away, cheeks flushed a slight pink. I decide to finish the last few bites of meal since I didn’t feel like embarrassing him any further. With all the attention received even by going outside with Masato and Kengo, it was probably too much for Riki.
Just as I was about to rise from my seat and return the plates, I heard my name escape Riki’s lips. I stop in my tracks and look back at him.
“Is something the matter?”
“Say” he was looking down his plate quite awkwardly “you don’t like anyone, right?”
“…” Riki, the way you worded it is why I can’t find a way to respond.
There it is again, that hopeful glint in his eyes. They may look tired, but they’re the door to Riki’s emotions. I found them enthralling sometimes. I sometimes would have remarked that when we were kids. He would get flustered and I could only chuckle. It wasn’t to make him feel better, because these motive eyes are also the exhausted narcoleptic eyes. I genuinely like how they are even now.
I suppose that since he told me he has his eyes set on someone, he wanted to hear whether I was as lucky as him. Riki… I’m both the luckiest and unluckiest man in this sense.
At least the answer he required lay in just one word. I could easily point-blank lie to him, although I feel that now, of all times, he’d be too perceptive. But I felt I was still lying to Riki if I didn’t give him the full truth, it was more than just a ‘yes’. For some reason, if I wanted to tell him yes, I’d be betraying myself if made him ponder over who I liked, when he himself is the answer.
He began casting his eyes down as the long eye-contact might have made him uncomfortable.
Why was I hesitant, when the answer didn’t matter unless I was ready to confess?
Just as I was about to let my subconscious pick out the answer and leave the consequences for later, we hear Masato and Kengo yell out a greeting, signaling they’re back. This prompted the end of my conversation with Riki, instead chatting away the rest of the break, the four of us. The enmity I felt for myself was so strong it was a wonder I could still laugh away at their shenanigans.
I still felt very morose with myself no matter how much I laughed that day.
--
At some point, I decided to make a stop to the rooftop during lunch break, only to find Rin and Komari there. It somehow slipped my mind that this is were initially where Komari would be at this time. Now that she’s dating my sister, it’s no surprise they’d be together too.
Rin almost shoed me away, but Komari said ‘the more, the merrier!’ so I took this mixed response as that it’s alright for me to stay, as long as I minded my business. I was going to spend the break reading manga here, so I was alright with any of the little busters around. I think most of them are out in the cafeteria right now.
These two were so lovey-dovey with each other, while I was just stuffing my face with crackers. I pay attention to my surroundings so well now I can’t focus on my manga.
“Rin, these cupcakes are so sweet! I love the cream you used!”
“Th-thank you….But uhm, what do you think of the secret ingredient?”
“I suppose you meant the strawberry cubes in them?” I can only assume she pointed to the very cupcake she held. “It’s really good! The slight bitterness it has is balancing the sweetness in general!”
“I’m glad to hear that….” she sounds like she’s smiling.
Frankly, I was jealous of Rin. Not about dating Komari, but that they could spend time together like this. Each was with the person they loved, so it was surely wonderful. Come to think of it, don’t Riki and I do the same?
Oh.
Holding hands, exchanging glances at times.
Sharing donuts, asking each other for opinions.
Yelling out how much we love each other despite I was this close to part with him and Rin forever?
No wonder Nishizono always looks at us as if we’re the personified characters of the specific manga she’s reading! Riki and I have been acting like a couple this entire time!
I feel completely warm inside. We’ve been like this since we were children. Yet as time passed, you’re supposed to lessen this type of affection with your friends! Yet I went so far with Riki. I consider him my best friend. Isn’t it funny he was the one who was to survive, while I was supposed to die? Then the miracle let us be friends nevertheless? There’s something weird going on!
You’re being ridiculous, Kyousuke! You haven’t even kissed!
Of course I’m ridiculous, I argue with myself, I haven’t even told him the extent of how much I-
I quickly turned my face to the other direction in order to hide my embarrassment. Rin and Komari weren’t watching me, but it’d have been awkward to explain why I was getting so uncharacteristically flushed.
“Kyousuke, is something the matter?” Was I that obvious?!
“You’re crunching really loud with these, would you please quit it?” my little sister enlightened me of this situation. Though it sounded quite rude, I didn’t care.
“Could it be, you want to try Rin’s cupcakes?”
“Why don’t you say so?!”
I was still unable to face them, because I was still half thinking about Riki, thus I was still red in the face. I have no clue how much time I was sitting like that, so instead I quickly thought of a solution to this. I quickly cover the majority of my face with the manga that was in one of my hands, and then face them, with determination.
“Don’t peek, this is actually a really mature manga! You can’t view the imagery in this, so I faced away!” Perfect! This would also drop the question on why I was blushing! Of course I’d be ruled out as a pervert…I guess this is the sacrifice.
“Huhm“ Komari started to blush herself. I start to think this was a bad idea.
“You weirdo, isn’t this the thriller manga you cried to us about less than two days ago!?” Rin somehow in the timeframe stood up, walked over, and now is less than a meter from me. She was eyeing me very thoroughly.
“Ah…You’re right.” Komari moved a slight bit closer and squinted her eyes, finally calming down.
“I’m found out.” I couldn’t make that one up, they fairly caught me red handed.
Rin sat down and patted next to her, looking over Komari. In a few seconds, both were sitting in front of me, looking at me, expecting an explanation.
“Are you still jittery about Riki?” Rin went straight to the point, unlike with her romantic attraction. I wonder how extensive her perception is.
“Yes.” Riki wasn’t around, and I trusted these two enough. Avoiding this now would do more harm.
“Why haven’ you confessed to him yet?” Komari inquired.
That’s a good question. But the answer is painful to me. It would be painful for Riki too. In a way, I was keeping the pain only to myself.
One way I could word it for them is directly telling them that Riki has someone he’s already crushing one. But spreading secrets Riki only has told me is just as terrible as deciding to confess to him.
The other way I could word it was to explain how we have to part ways, we don’t have to be dating! And we can always remain friends. But they’d counter me with themselves as the living exception to this bad reasoning.
The only way I could explain it to them is-
“I never planned to.” At some point I left myself become visibly morose, despite I was trying to smile softly.
Komari anxiously murmured, while Rin was still looking at me with the same serious face as ever.
“You mean you don’t want to?” I wasn’t sure who was asking this until I notice they were in sync. That was quite the sight.
“Why are you holding back?” Rin rose her voice a bit, as if scolding me. She blinked and then in her usual tone said a ‘sorry’. She thought she spoke too harshly to me.
“Is there anything we can do then?” Komari continued. Why are they taking this so seriously? It’s not like a tragedy has happened…it’s just me and my feelings that are wreaking havoc inside me.
“I know you wouldn’t have anyway, but don’t tell anyone, especially Riki. It would only trouble him more.” They nodded without saying anything more.
Komari offers me a cupcake and continues her affections with Rin, neither of them wanting to press me on the subject any further. It’s just me and my feelings that are wreaking havoc inside me that have to be doing something. As much as I wanted to enjoy this volume of the manga I still had in my hands, I was sitting on this particular page for over a day now, never flipping it over even during this break.
Maybe I am in fact that obvious with my feelings.
This could only half-confirm my fear of making Riki uncomfortable. It’s been a while since he answered the question I’ve been asking him the most, thanks to the dream world’s loops. He already likes someone. He doesn’t like me like that.
Dreaming of advancing our relationship along with the fear of it failing is what’s been deep in my mind for years now. Neither I, nor Riki, would want to end up falling out of such an important friendship like this. I almost died, for god’s sake, doesn’t that mean it was never meant to be?!
Although everyone would argue, that this kind of thinking would lead to the conclusion that even our friendship was meant to fall apart there and then. I also thought the same, becoming hopeful for finally confessing to Riki. He doesn’t have to date Rin, because they don’t have to be in order to support each other. In turn, Rin doesn’t need Riki for so much support as before. After all, they both grew stronger than ever.
But then I go back to the start. Does he even like me in that sense? Has he ever considered a relationship with me?
I gave up in hoping that, and he telling me that he does in fact like someone proved it. It couldn’t be me. If he had hoped for me to guess who he was crushing on, isn’t that just an emphasis on how it was in fact someone we both knew of? I dropped reasoning any further for a while.
Until Riki asked me who I liked while being in the cafeteria. Why was he so keen on knowing? My only solutions were that he in fact was aware I liked him, but wanted to emphasize I should find someone else. Although this would feel too cruel coming from Riki, so I really didn’t want that to be the true answer.
My other possibility was that he was just asking, because he suspected that someone like me should be in love with someone, ages before Riki has. He wasn’t wrong on that, but I’m sure in this case he’s far from aware that it’s him.
Thinking about how much Riki meant to me was a topic I actually want to share with him even further. I wanted to let him know that I have looked at him for so long, that parting with him and Rin was the worst thing to have nearly happened. I never told even Masato and Kengo, but one of my regrets apart from leaving Riki and Rin alone, is actually not confessing to Riki.
--
“Kyousuke, let’s watch the stars tonight!”
“Huh?” he took me off guard with this, as I was just starting on my final volume of this thriller manga. Funnily enough, it released recently, so avoiding spoilers before reading it for myself would be difficult.
Riki was sitting opposite of my bed. After having no idea on what to do, he offered spending time in my awfully dark dorm. In reality, my roommate is often out, so I had no objections with Riki being here. It was quite nice, although I would have vastly preferred holding him close.
“Komari suggested I could do that!”
“Did you invite all the little busters?”
“They said they were all busy tonight, even Komari.” That either was the truth or a well-recited lie. I decide not to press on any further. I chuckled.
“Am I your final option, Riki?”
“…Not really. But I asked everyone first…”
“You’re quite hopeful if you expected me to already say yes. Well, I don’t have anything to do, so why not? We haven’t done something like this in a while” Riki looked at me and smiled. I could only wonder if he wanted to spend time with me like this, but that’s just being stupidly optimistic.
The same evening Riki and I loitered around the school area, each of us had a couple of snacks in a small bag each. I left the true leader plan the infiltration, and as I suspected of Riki, he was anything but unsuccessful. We enter the courtyard.
In hushed voices as if sharing a secret, we continued joking about how we weren’t caught, Riki also expressing his worry on pulling the mission off in the first place. It would take him time before he had the guts to do this, but with all the little busters. This meant I was a good practice dummy for this mission. I could only smile to myself; I doubt Riki’s plans have yet to reach so far.
We sat where there weren’t many trees. It was the area, the furthest from the dorms. We weren’t planning to stay long, in hopes of not getting caught at this hour. We only observed the stars, as the serene lightning completely transformed the outlook of the courtyard. It’s no wonder this sight is only available at hours when people would be sleeping. No everyone would decide to stay at night to observe the night sky.
It wasn’t the night sky or the courtyard that appealed to me tonight. Riki was. His hair was beautifully painted darker blue, and his eyes were one of the few things shining around. His voice sounded calm when talking to me. He offered to observe the surroundings, yet just being by him is what made this lonely night worthwhile.
At some point, I realized Riki was looking at me. I turned to look back at him, but he appeared completely enthralled. This took me off guard, as I sensed heat rush into my head.
Upon what looked like was coming back to his senses, Riki in turn yelped from surprise and got red as well, immediately looking away. I faced a completely different direction too.
“Sorry Kyousuke.” Riki looked back to me again. “I was just…you look so much different now. From the lightning.” This was partially a blatant lie and I could tell that easily. Yet I didn’t want to object, since this would only assume Riki was just looking at me for the same reason I was looking at him. That would make stupid me want more from this situation.
“I understand why, so it’s ok…” I expanded his lie by adding my own. He wasn’t naïve so he would tell that. I don’t understand why I did that though.
For now, all I know is that this night already got too awkward.
As much as I treasure being here alone with Riki, I needed the bubbliness of Masato or Kengo or Rin or any of the other girls. I needed a third person to break this subject and force it elsewhere. Thinking about how it seemed as if Riki and I are the only ones in this world, thinking about how close he was, how beautiful this scenery was.
What moved me back in reality was Riki himself. Or more correctly, his hand was. While sitting, at some point he had placed his hand on top of mine. Now, I decide to shift it so I was holding it.
I had no idea what has gotten over me, but this anxiety I have had for so long didn’t seem to matter tonight. All that mattered was that I was here with Riki.
It’s just as simple as it is. I love Riki more than he has ever loved me.
At this point, he and I were looking at each other again. This time he wasn’t so red from embarrassment, and he wasn’t in trance. He was just looking at me with hopefulness. Like at the clubroom. Like at the cafeteria.
I raise my other hand to cup Riki’s face. It’s so soft. I heard a slight gasp and his face feels warmer. I stroked his cheek with my thumb, and I notice he’s leaned onto my hand at this point. Riki was only smiling fondly at me. I was too.
Something probably snapped in me, because I felt getting even warmer, to the point I began sweating. It makes me question whether I have a fever.
I realize that telling Riki right now was the only possibility for me to ever come in terms with him concerning my feelings. This seemed cliché, but I didn’t care enough right now. I just wanted to get it across. All I want is to hold him close.
“Kyousuke. I partially lied to you on that day in the clubroom.” Riki broke the silence of this ephemeral moment.
“When you spilt your cocoa?” I continued stroking his face before I took my hand back. I didn’t know why I stopped, but I wasn’t paying attention to that.
“You remember the oddest details…” You’re no different if you remember that too.
“Riki, I don’t think it matters to me what you told me then.” What mattered to me now was this. The look in Riki’s eyes is alone telling me this is special to him as much as it is to me.
I only want to tell him something that I kept to myself for so long. I stare intently into his eyes, it feels as if looking any longer would make my sight go through Riki. I’m this close to let this weight off my chest. I take in a deep breath, without being loud, somehow.
…
…
…
…
..
.
But Rin, the only reason why I never have planned to confess in the first place is that…
“Riki, thank you for this night, the sky is beautiful tonight.”
I can’t.
For the moment was hidden by what looked like a small cloud, I come back to my senses. Where the moon wasn’t shining just as much as I had thought.
I look away to face the sky. I felt too ashamed. I hated myself enough before now. Why do I still hope that this love IS mutual?
I wasn’t sure what was worse- was it leaving Riki hanging on that moment, wondering what’s going on? Or was it me foolishly hoping something would have come after I said the words?
And so the night went on, silently and quietly, before we exchange a goodnight and head back to our respected dorms. The next few days pass as if this has never happened; apart that Riki has looked at me with more sadness while I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. Why do I dare advancing on my own best friend? It’s no surprise he has now realized what I was trying to do in this situation, he isn’t so naïve after all.
Yet all I could ever muster now is how sorry I am for this, Riki.