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"Kalau orang tanya kau kenapa kau pilih aku, kau jawab apa ek?"
Kahar looked at him in confusion. He had just returned from buying some groceries and was about to prepare their dinner, while his lover had been lounging around in their living room, listening to music through his new speaker as he finished up on his group project. It was the end of the semester for Fakhri and the man had been busy catching up with his assignments, a stark contrast to Kahar, who was still enjoying his semester break.
"Dah kenapa kau ni–",
"Kau jawab apa?" Not letting him continue his sentence, the younger man looked back at him, locking eye contact as if demanding for an answer. He laid his back against the soft cushion, tilting his head slightly.
Shit. Was it really a serious matter?
"....Sebab....aku sayang kau?" Kahar figured that was the safest answer he could give at the moment. He could come up with something else, but his mind is currently occupied with what to cook for their meal. Well, it's not like he's lying anyways, the answer he gave was genuine.
There's no rhyme nor reason for his feelings towards the other, Kahar just loves Fakhri. Unconditionally.
"Okay," He didn't expect Fakhri to accept his response that quickly. Though he did catch the slight pout the other gave him, as he nodded his head and continued working on his assignment. The sound of his fingers typing on the laptop's keyboard showed no signs of dissatisfaction, yet Kahar could sense what he was feeling.
'Lah takkan aku keluar beli barang jap dia dah rindu, clingy betul budak ni', Kahar thought. Still, it filled his heart with warmth to see how much the other enjoys his company. Dinner could wait, so Kahar took the opportunity and walked over to the sofa, scooting closer to his boyfriend as he grabbed one of his arms, resting his head on top of his shoulder. Looking at the arduous task he was expected to complete by tomorrow's night. It was an eyesore to even look at, perhaps this was the cause for his distress?
"Alololo kenapa ni sayang? Stress assignment ke?" He asked in a playful tone, and the typing stopped. Step one, checked.
"Tak ah, tanya je," Fakhri tried to keep his composure, but the latter knew him too well. They've been dating for more than 5 years now, Kahar could read him like a textbook. Even a slight change to the tone of his voice is a telltale sign for how he was feeling, and Fakhri disliked how he could never hide anything from his boyfriend.
"Tipu," Kahar adjusted his position, grabbing the sides of the other's head, taking a good look at his lover's face.
And of course, there was that childish pout again. Fakhri's eyes averted to the side, desperately trying to avoid eye contact in case it'll give away what he was thinking at the moment.
"Pandang aku."
Fakhri tried to refuse, shaking his head in response. He remained silent, though Kahar wasn't gonna give up.
"Pandang aku, sayang." he said, in that soft, caring tone that Fakhri could never say no to. He cursed himself for always giving in so easily at the sight of his beloved, melting whenever the other shows him his affection. Kahar isn't the type to get all touchy with him, in fact, he's the exact opposite. If Fakhri's love language is physical touch, Kahar's showed his love through words of affirmation. His usually rough voice sounding so much softer whenever he told him sweet nothings, using pet names (his favourite is 'sayang', because of course that is his favourite) and just reassuring Fakhri over how much he adores and loves him.
Truly, Fakhri thought he was one very lucky guy for being able to win Kahar's heart. Even his close friends back from secondary were shocked to find out. From life sworn-rivals to sappy, romantic lovers who can't sleep a night without at least hearing each other's voice; Fakhri thought he was living a fantasy. Though the reality laid in front of him, they are in love with each other.
But sometimes...just sometimes, he wondered if the other felt the same way about him. He wondered if he even deserved to be loved this way, to love Kahar this way. He's bad-tempered, he ruins everything he touches, he...
It's those irrational, self-doubt and anxiety-driven thoughts that scares him the most.
.
.
.
The snap of Kahar's fingers put him out of his trance. He looked back, and the concern painted all over his dearest's face made his heart stung.
Finally, he gave in, looking back at Kahar as he grabbed both of the other's wrists. He was going to pretend to be sulking for a while, but seeing his boyfriend's concerned look did make him feel a little guilty. Being the mischief that he is, he threw Kahar his usual cheeky smile as a show of apology. Which in turn earned him an annoyed frown from the latter alongside a pinch on his cheeks. Fakhri laughed.
"Alah kau ni, serious sangat ah! Saja je tanya, tetiba teringat satu lagu tu, yang tengah femes tu,"
Kahar stared at him in confusion, "Lagu apa?"
"Untuk kali keseratus lima puluh juta, mereka tanyakan kau soalan yang sama," Fakhri serenades, playing with Kahar's hands, tracing his fingers and liking how well the latter's hands fit into his.
"Dah dah, silap hari bulan berdarah telinga aku ni dok dengar lagu tu ulang-ulang kat radio," Kahar scoffs, he's not really a fan of cheesy pop music.
Fakhri's smile widens, "Tapi comel apa?"
"Entah ah...tapi macam, teringat kat kita ,"
"Mende?" Kahar asked, curious as to why such a cheesy love song relates to them.
"The lyrics," Fakhri says, pausing as he gently caressed the other's left hand, specifically bringing his thumb on one of Kahar's fingers of which had the metal ring he had bought him for his birthday last year. It wasn't anything expensive, but it meant something special. Fakhri has a matching one, too.
"The singer sounds a lot like me,"
A pregnant pause,
"Celah mana yang sama sial suara kau dah la sumbang–"
Fakhri tsked, pinching the other's hand that he was holding. It earned him a laugh from Kahar.
"Bukan la bodo, I'm talking about how the lyrics reflect me. Also, my voice ain't that bad!" He sulked, frowning and letting go of Kahar's hands. Kahar retorts, gently bringing Fakhri's hands back and holding them with much affection. Though it amused him a little, seeing how needy his boyfriend is.
"Okay, okay! Gurau je la...., ha, cuba explain sikit," Kahar said, bringing up one of Fakhri's hands to his face, resting on his palm. Liking how warm it felt against his cheeks.
Fakhri, seemingly comforted, continued, "Macam mana kau boleh tahan ngan aku eh? Dari zaman sekolah lagi...kau tak jemu ke dengan perangai sial aku?" he said finally, the words dropping like a bomb.
Hearing this, Kahar was taken aback. It wasn't so unusual for Fakhri to ask him such self-depreciating questions, but all of a sudden, just from a simple song lyric? He wasn't sure to do. Yet Fakhri was dead serious.
"Mende kau mere–" Kahar reached forward, attempting to grab Fakhri's cheeks to snap him back to reality. But the younger man was quick enough and managed to hold onto his wrists, stopping him from doing so.
"Jawab, Kahar." He stared into the older one's eyes, as his smile gradually faded away and his expression turned...grey. And Kahar could read all of the worries and anxiety displayed across his face.
Fakhri felt a prick in his heart when Kahar wasn't quick to reply. "Kenapa diam?" He now sounded confrontational, his grip on the older one's hands tightening. He knew he was being unnecessarily overdramatic, but he didn't care. He just wants to hear Kahar's answer...or rather, what he wants to hear.
Kahar's expression softened. This, wasn't the first time his dearest behaved in such a way. After all those years of being together, Kahar knew that deep inside; Fakhri is still the same traumatised teenage boy, trying his to heal from his past wounds. Evading those past memories, so that history won't repeat itself ever again. Bad-tempered, destroyer, pemusnah...it's what Fakhri perceives himself as, no matter how much he tries to erase those traits.
And why does he understand him so well? Perhaps, because they were one in the same.
Although it was a bit of a struggle, Kahar managed to wiggle his hands free from Fakhri's tight grip. Proceeding to grab his face as he intended to do, though his touch was gentle. "Tak, Fakhri...aku tak pernah jemu dengan kau," he finally spoke.
The other stared at him in both surprise and disbelief, but only for a split moment, before giving a sheepish grin, "Ye la tu–"
"Betul," the latter cuts him off. He moved his hands from the younger's face, shifting to hold his hands next, like how the other did to him just a few moments ago.
Now Fakhri was silent. So without wasting any time, Kahar continued, "Kau cakap macam kau sorang je ada masalah. Habis aku ni apa? Kau tak ingat apa aku pernah bagitahu dulu? Hidup aku sebelum kau datang KUDRAT."
Kahar's tone shifted, and that captured Fakhri's attention. Of course, he remembered, there's no way he could've forgotten. Kahar had told him about it a while ago, before they even started dating. It was when he still ran that burger stall of his, and it was just a casual late night hanging out between the two of them when Fakhri had asked him about his life before he transferred to the school.
Kahar looked down on their hands, "Aku pun sial jugak Fakhri, macam kau tak ingat? Satu sekolah takut dengan aku, takut kena bantai dengan aku. Nak jadi kapla tapi mentah, terpaling jantan lah konon," he let out a dry laugh, trying to make himself sound casual.
"....Sampai ada setan rasuk aku, buat aku rasa nak bunuh kau malam manifesto tu," He reminisced, thinking back about that time. It's not something he'll ever forget.
He sighed, gently rubbing the younger man's hands. They were rough, but warm all the same, just like Fakhri himself. "Semua sebab nak tunjuk kat ayoh, kat semua orang yang aku ni somebody," he continued.
Kahar looked up, sadness in his eyes yet still tried to muster a smile, "Kelakar en? Macam tak caya tu kita dulu,"
Right as he did that, he felt himself being pulled into a warm embrace. It was sudden, and Kahar couldn't even catch a glimpse of Fakhri's face as the other had it buried on the back of his neck.
"...Ri?" he asked, using the other nickname he had for the younger. Fakhri was hugging him a little too tightly, and it didn't help that he had grown so big and tall that his hugs can feel somewhat suffocating. Still, he returned it by gently holding the back of the other's head, his other hand patting his shoulder. Fakhri stayed silent for a good few seconds, and Kahar wasn't sure if he was crying or simply fell asleep...somehow.
"...Sorry, Kahar," He said finally, his face still buried in the same place. Kahar could feel both the heat and vibration from his speech. He was too close to his skin.
"Lah, sorry pulak?" Kahar asked jokingly, yet his hands didn't stop patting his boyfriend's shoulder. It just felt like the right thing to do at the moment.
When Fakhri didn't move, Kahar nudged him, "Kot ye pun, cuba pandang dulu muka aku ni, "
Slowly, Fakhri's tight grip on him loosens, and Kahar could finally see the face of his beloved. He looked...Distressed? Concerned? Sad? It was hard to tell.
"Aku tak patut tanya kau macam tu," he says, sighing as he looked Kahar in the eyes.
"Kenapa pulak?"
Fakhri frowns, "Kau...kau pun sama macam aku, kan?" and Kahar was at loss for words.
"Aku–" Kahar tried to say something, but was cut off immediately when Fakhri caressed his right cheek, smiling as he does so.
"Kau pilih aku...sebab kau faham aku. Dan aku....pilih kau, sebab tu jugak,"
There was nothing in Fakhri's words but the truth. They were both lost souls who found each other, healing one another from their past wounds, entertwined by something called 'love'. A love that heals and mends the broken strings in their hearts, replacing the pain from their past with the happiness they share together.
Maybe that's what you call fate, after all. And Kahar was fated for him, how could Fakhri have missed that? That Kahar genuinely, just loved him for who he is.
"Thank you...sebab kau pilih aku," He confesses, suddenly bringing one of Kahar's hand close to his face and kissing it lightly. It was so intimate, that Kahar couldn't bring himself to pull away. But he smiled, and that melted Fakhri's heart.
A couple seconds later, "Apa emo sangat ni bodo, geli ah," Kahar says jokingly, and that's when Fakhri realised he had been staring lovingly at the older's face for a hot minute. Not only that, he had been kissing the other's palm the whole time.
He let out an embarassed laugh, realising just how ridiculously childish he was being. He didn't let go of Kahar's hand though. "Sorry, aku kan memang camtu," he said, covering himself up.
Kahar shook his head, holding back his laughter as he pulled his hand away, before opening both of his arms, inviting his boyfriend for another hug. "Manja tul, meh sini," he says, giggling as Fakhri giddily throws himself at him, his weight pushing him down to their lush sofa.
"Tapi thank you jugak," Kahar whispers softly, playing with the soft strands of Fakhri's hair. Fakhri, who had rested his head on Kahar's chest, looked up in interest.
"Sebab kau selamatkan aku," Kahar says, and Fakhri gave him the biggest smile.
"Betul kan? Kau tak nyesal pilih aku?" Fakhri asked, playing with Kahar's hair, messing it around with his fingers. He loved how soft his curls are, and how much longer it had gotten.
"Kau je yang boleh kusutkan rambut aku, Ri," and it's true, Kahar hated it whenever anyone tries to touch his hair even a little bit. He's incredibly fussy when it comes to his hairstyle, putting so much work into maintaning his natural curls. But Fakhri is an exception.
The younger one ignored him, continuing to ruffle the soft curly strands, "Baran macam mana pun kau nak aku jugak?"
"Baran, manja, gatal, mengada, self-conscious, immature...what else?" the latter leans in to Fakhri's embrace, looking directly into his eyes and making eye contact with the person he adored most. "Nak aku cium kau sampai pengsan, baru nak percaya?" he said playfully. Kahar didn't need to say anything else, for his eyes spoke his feelings towards the other. They were full of love.
And it was all reserved for Fakhri. Only him.
It made Fakhri pause, his cheeks and ears turning red.
Quickly trying to hide his embarassment, he wrapped both of his arms around the older's body. Knocking the wind out of the startled man's lungs as he squeezed him tightly.
"Aku sayang kau, sayang gila-gilaaa!" Fakhri laughed in a joyful tone, sneaking small pecks all over Kahar's face, which in turn was returned with Kahar shoving his face away. He smiled at the now blushing elder, those bold eyes looking away in embarassment. Muttering something under his breath, though faint, Fakhri was able to make out the words.
"Y-ye la, sayang kau jugak."
Fakhri grinned, "In fact, I have many ways to show how much I love you. Like this...muah!" He says, as he kissed Kahar's unsuspecting lips, emphasising on the "muah" noise.
"......Gatal. Kau gatal."
"Kau punya." He giggles, peppering more kisses all over the now irritated older man, before suddenly getting up and scooping Kahar into his arms with little effort as he lifted him up in a bridal carry, despite the other's protests. Still, Kahar wrapped his arms around his lover's neck for balance, glaring at him in the process. It only made Fakhri's grin grow wider.
"Kau taknak dinner ke bodo? Penat-penat aku beli barang tadi, "
Fakhri rolled his eyes up, pretending to be thinking of an answer. An eureka moment hit him, as he smiled down and said;
"Kau la dinner aku!"
And just like a reflex, Kahar's face went from annoyed to slightly horrified, his eyes widening as his brain quickly deciphered the meaning of those words. That, and that darn shit-eating grin.
Oh, Oh.
".....TURUNKAN AKU,SIAL–" He kicked his feet in the air, threatening to lift himself off but Fakhri was way stronger than him, and he held him tightly to his chest despite Kahar's protests. Curse words thrown at him as he carried the older man to their shared bedroom, before swiftly locking the door behind them.
And well, they ended up getting takeout afterwards. It's all good though, because Fakhri had at least 4 helpings of his "dinner" that evening. The chef? Kahar, of course.