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“…something about that kept me coming back for more. Maybe I'm just a masochist.”
Nao lied.
Well, not really. He just didn’t tell the whole truth.
He cursed himself for that now. For not being fully honest. If he'd just told Souta that he'd only joined the club to be with him. Not near him, or by him, but with him. To be able to draw Souta’s attention even a fraction as much as he drew Nao’s. Maybe things would be different. Maybe he wouldn't be waiting impatiently for the next bus to arrive. Begging it to get here just a little faster. Souta had left at least thirty minutes before him. That means he must be home by now, especially if he took the train. The thought made Nao freeze. The train.
Maybe. He swallowed harshly. Maybe I should take the train?
No sooner did he have that thought did he scratch it from his brain. No, he couldn't. He cared for Souta. Wanted him more than he had ever expressed to even himself, let alone out loud but to take the train?
Now is not the time for a panic attack. I need to stay focused. I need to know what I'll say when I see him.
Somehow he knew showing up and saying “we're going on a date to the concert you bought me tickets for” wouldn't be the best approach.
Unless? No, no. He scoffed at himself. He couldn't say that. Souta was hurting. He thought that Nao liked Arashi. Showing up and demanding a date when Souta was so positive that Nao and Arashi were together wouldn't work. He needed to let him know the truth first. But how do you tell someone you've been pining over them for almost a year without seeming well…like a love struck puppy? How do you say that if it weren't for them, you wouldn't be where you are now? That you'd still be in that black hole, feigning indifference, and faking colds. That you'd still be alone.
Nao couldn't believe all the growth he'd gone through in the last year. That he had friends to go see an illumination with. That he'd even want to go astounded him. Although he didn't necessarily want to when Arashi first mentioned it. Even less so when he saw how upset Souta was at the thought. What he really wanted to do with his weekend was invite Souta over. Watch another movie and not be interrupted. Finally ask him what's been bothering him in a private, quiet place. Hopefully then he'd finally get an answer.
The bus turned the corner and Nao stepped closer to the sidewalk's edge. Eager to finally be moving toward his goal.
Honestly though, it's probably better that we didn't watch a movie at my place. He cringed at the thought as he stepped onto the bus, scanning his ticket and found a seat. It hurt to think of how that turned out last time. At the answer he got to his last question.
They had been watching the movie for some time, the garland had long been finished. Nao was trying to keep up, Donner Jones was in the middle of an intergalactic fight of some kind, but he couldn't focus. Not with Souta sitting so close. He'd also been thinking about Souta saying he needed new shoes. That, that was why he got a part-time job. It didn't sit right with him. Souta's current shoes were fine, as far as Nao knew. And he was sure if he asked his parents they would be willing to gift him the new shoes for Christmas. Though that was some time away. Nao didn't understand but he didn't have time to think it over anymore. Souta was reciting the movie next to him, line by line in his best English. Nao couldn't help but smile. Of course Souta knew this space movie by heart. He was so amused he had to let him know, but in the middle of his teasing, suddenly Donner Jones and the female lead were kissing.
A lot.
“Man they just keep on going, huh?” Souta had said.
“Is this why you like this movie?” Nao fired back.
Souta's responding outrage had been too fun to pass up, so he poked him again. Giving him a sly smirk and an “oh” when Souta had mentioned liking the action. Almost being beaten to death by a pillow was worth the look on Souta's face.
And with how good Nao felt. How content. He decided to try his luck. Just a bit.
“Have you kissed anyone?” He heard himself ask. And thus started the downfall of the evening.
It didn't start that way of course. Things were normal, fine. Souta had told him he'd never kissed anyone beyond a game of truth or dare. A fact which made Nao embarrassingly happy. So happy, he had to hide his smile behind his drink.
He hasn't kissed anyone. Nao thought, fighting back his joy. He was still trying to keep any expression other than neutral off his face when Souta asked “How about you?”
It didn't take Nao long to think about it. His only true experience had been that time when he was fourteen. It wasn't anything spectacular, though it wasn't bad either. The resulting two week “relationship” was more memorable than anything, and even that he usually forgot much of. He mostly remembered being curious about dating. The guys on the team always seemed to want to date, or hold girls' hands. He didn't get it. When the opportunity presented itself, he took it. Even though he'd been stressed about his mom, he'd thought maybe this would take his mind off things. Make him feel a bit normal again.
It didn't. And he still didn’t understand what the excitement was about. Sure kissing was okay, and holding hands was fine, but it wasn't anything to write home about.
“And you like…kissed-kissed?” Souta asked.
“What's the difference between kissed and kissed-kissed?”
“I mean! Did you like…” As Souta floundered for words Nao couldn't help admiring the flush splashed across his face. He enjoyed watching his eyebrows twitch and his hands fly in wild gestures. Trying to communicate a point his mouth wasn't getting out.
His mouth.
Nao's eyes dropped to Souta's mouth. He watched it twist and scrunch. Watched him pinch his lips together and give up on asking his question at all. Watched as he bit his thumb in thought and suddenly, Nao wished for something he'd been wanting more than anything.
“Do you want to try it?”
“Huh?”
“Kissing?”
A bump in the road drew Nao back before he had to face the rest of that memory. Before he had watched as Souta stared him down. Silent. Nao's heart had been in his throat. Sure he was the one who asked and he meant it. But the second of silence had become too pregnant. So he tried to snatch his words back. Tried to cover them with a “just kidding.” Only for Souta to shock him back into silence. For several long seconds Souta had given him everything with a simple direct “yes.” For a few moments Nao was sure this was it. That he could have it all. Only for Souta to panic. To go on to talk about kissing Inoue. How she was so cute and the “girl next door” type. How he thought about kissing her.
Inoue, who had confessed to Nao during regionals. Inoue, who Nao figured Souta had a crush on but thought--was hoping--he'd moved on from.
Inoue who was, not Nao.
As the bus turned onto a street Nao recognized, he perked up. Only a few more minutes until he got to Souta's and here he was daydreaming. He had no idea what he was gonna say. How he was going to broach the subject of their seemingly mutual feelings. Because that's what they were right? Mutual. Himura told him Souta got the tickets for him. He'd practically told him Souta had gotten a job for him. Which was definitely something he needed to address. Nao scowled. He couldn't believe Souta would do that. Did that. What was wrong with him?!
Didn't he know all Nao wanted was to spend time together? That he just wanted to walk home with him, spend time studying, or playing games, or watching movies, or anything really!
But now that he thought about it, it wasn't until after Souta got his job that he told him as much. After Nao had begun to remember how empty his house truly was when Souta wasn't there, filling it to the brim with his bright energy.
In fact, before that, the most he'd told Souta was that he tolerated him. Nao groaned at the memory and laid his head against the window.
I can't believe I said that to him. Who tells their crush they tolerate them? A guy who realized he was seconds away from admitting his feelings, that's who.
And he was. Nao was so close to blurting his feelings on too many occasions. But who could blame him? Souta was… Nao sighed, pressing closer to the cool window. Souta was everything. Nao still couldn't believe how happy he had been to see Souta after returning from Hokkaido. How much he had enjoyed holding him as they rode his bike home that first day. Even how worried he was when Souta hadn’t come back from his walk up the mountain during soccer camp. Worry that swiftly changed to confused irritation as they fought, then downright terror as he had to watch Souta fall down a mountain .
But nothing had overwhelmed him more, had pushed him closer to admitting--really showing--his true feelings than that day of the school festival.
Souta had run himself ragged, Nao didn’t need to be told that. He took off after his shift in the class cafe had ended to help Endo. Then Nao didn’t see him again until right before the performance. When he and the remaining members of Sunday Blues were trying to figure out what to do about their missing singer problem.
When Souta had shown up then asked if Nao could sing instead, he shot that down, expecting that to be that. But then Souta, the selfless, reckless, painfully kind, infuriating guy he is offered to sing instead. This only served to smack Nao with worry that Souta would get up there and well, be as great of a singer in English as he had been in Nao’s room. Which was fine when they were in Nao’s house, just the two of them. When Nao had Souta all to himself. On stage in front of most of the school was a completely different matter. Sure enough, Souta knew as many words to the first song as Nao was expecting, which was approximately none.
Nao had been forced to take over. To put everyone out of their misery. And once he was up there, singing to the crowd, trying to keep Souta from scratching their ear drums, it wasn’t so bad. Sure Nao didn’t look out at the audience. No need to bring his nerves to the surface, but it was fine. He heard himself singing about keeping his love by his side while he focused on his guitar. Soon enough, it wasn’t his guitar he was focused on. Instead of strumming this borrowed guitar on stage at school, he was back in his room. It was just him, his acoustic, and a redhead with the warmest smile Nao had ever seen. Singing didn’t seem so bad when he focused on that smile.
It was no wonder that he sought Souta out after the concert. He would have found him sooner, but he had been stopped by a few people, most notable a girl named Arashi. She had talked about her interest in English music and it took off from there. Soon enough they had plans to meet up later that week to talk more about their shared music interest. He would have stayed longer, but the ache in his chest to see that warm smile he’d been picturing for the last 40 minutes grew until it filled his entire being.
So he excused himself from his potential new friend and headed off to find Souta. He stopped to change out of his performance clothes, then set out on his mission. He wasn’t in much of a rush, he knew Souta couldn’t have gone far. So Nao started with the obvious option of checking in with any member of the soccer club that he came across, but he had no luck. Along the way, people kept stopping him to compliment his performance. After the fourth person stopped him, he decided to use it to his advantage. He started asking for any signs of Souta. Asking if anyone had even a hint of which direction he went. But everyone he asked could only recall seeing Souta on stage or before the show. Everyone kept mentioning how helpful Souta was. How he had put this booth together, or carried out that trash, or hung a poster. Yet no one seemed to know where he was now.
He must have spent his whole break helping others. Nao had thought, a small smile coming across his face.
When no clues came from his questioning of others, Nao decided to circle back to their classroom. Everyone who was not already outside for the barbecue was slowly filtering that way. Nao figured if he didn’t see Souta in the crowd, he had to be hiding out inside somewhere.
Sure enough when Nao slid back the door to class 2-C he found his favorite clown sitting on the floor under the board.
“There you are.” Nao called out. “I was wondering where you were hiding.”
“Oh, hey.” Souta responded. He had a smile on his face, but didn’t move.
“You’re not coming down?” Nao asked.
“I’ll be there in a sec. I just need a little break.”
Nao frowned. Taking in Souta’s slumped shoulders, and straining smile. Instead of leaving without him, Nao cruised over and joined Souta on the ground. He tried to break the tense silence by commenting on the hard work Souta had filled his day with, but he got no response. So Nao decided to change his tactic.
“You did really well out there.” Nao tried, giving Souta a genuine smile. Not that he saw it. Souta had turned away at the words, letting out a harsh chuckle.
“Are you being sarcastic?” The question came with a bit of a sardonic bite to it.
“Not at all. It takes guts to go up and perform like that. I didn’t have it in me until you went up there.” It was the truth. Nao had no plans to sing during today’s performance. Of course he had been sad that all of the band’s hard work was going to be wasted, but singing in front of such a large crowd was not something Nao was willing to do.
Not until he did it. Nao thought.
Despite the truth in Nao’s words, Souta only responded with more sarcasm. Talking about being a class clown and sinking further into himself.
Nao couldn’t stand to see it.
“I thought you were pretty cool.” Now it was Nao sinking into himself. Wrapping his arms around his legs and diverting his eyes. Admitting that out loud wasn’t hard. In that moment, Nao truly couldn’t think of anyone cooler, and more reckless than Souta. It was hiding the sincerity and care he had for Souta that was the hard part.
The silence Nao got in response raised the hair on his arms.
Time for a subject change. He thought.
When he glanced back over at Souta, he noticed how smudged the artistically applied face paint had become. It brought out a chuckle of his own, though this one was amused.
“Your face paint is a mess.” Nao said.
He laughed as Souta smudged it more. The adorable picture Souta made as a clown became even more endearing. My heart can’t take any more of this. He reached out to stop him from making it worse.
The next thing he knew Souta’s face was in his hand.
Suddenly, endearing became the 10th word Nao would use to describe Souta in this moment. The first was mesmerizing.
What had started as trying to distract Souta, take him out of whatever thoughts were starting to swallow him whole and skip over the feelings leaking out of Nao’s every word, suddenly became charged. Intense. Souta’s eyes were all Nao could see. It was a view he had been growing to love. Quickly becoming one of his favorite sights in the world. Then Nao’s heart skipped when he glanced down and realized just how close he was to Souta’s lips.
This might be my new favorite view. Nao thought. He couldn’t help but stare. For the first time since they had ridden on Souta’s bike, Nao had Souta in his arms again. He was touching his soft cheek, and closer to Souta lips than he ever believed he would be. Especially after the disaster in his living room.
Nao’s heart skipped again, then kicked into rhythm faster than when he was on stage. This was it. He could do this. He could kiss him. Finally get the chance to do what he had been dreaming of for months now. What he had been suppressing long before he’d asked about it last night. He didn’t expect to get a chance so soon. To get a chance at all, but here he was, a breath away from getting everything he wanted.
And if the way Souta hadn’t pulled back yet was a sign, then maybe this is something he wanted too.
I can do it. I want to do it. He’s so close. I could just lean in. If what he said last night was any indication then he wants to try it too. He’d said “yes.” He said he wanted to try it. Try kissing with me, right before he----
Nao swallowed and pulled back, remembering the words Souta had said last night in their entirety. Remembering how he’d wanted to try kissing…
But not with me.
Nao tucked away his feelings. Packed them all back into the box that was slowly becoming bloated with his emotions for Souta. Hoping that it would hold just a little longer. Until he could get out of this room and away from the boy that was consuming his every thought.
Nao wiped at Souta’s cheek, saying something about makeup remover as he hastily turned away from the object of his affection. Hiding his face as he pushed off the ground. Hoping Souta wouldn’t see the longing, the disappointment.
Oh my god, I almost-- Nao cut the thought off, slamming the box shut and mentally sitting on the lid. It had to hold. It just had to.
“Now, come on or they’ll turn off the grill before you get a chance to eat.” Nao said.
Not that I have an appetite anymore. Nao started to walk off, unable to face Souta for a moment longer. He heard him call something to his back, but Nao didn’t turn around. He had to walk away from the boy who was unknowingly demanding Nao’s heart.
Walk away before Nao gave it to Souta only for him to toss it on one of those grills downstairs.
Nao sighed. He couldn’t believe this guy. Crashing into his life. Dragging him back into socializing, into soccer. Getting him involved in a band of all things. No wonder Nao couldn’t get him out of his head. Anyone with the power to convince Nao to do all that had to be some kind of magician, or the sweetest person Nao had ever met. But even moreso, he couldn’t believe himself. Somehow he and Souta had managed to fall for each other. Had spent months building feelings for each other through studying and fighting. The times they were alone, and more recently with others, only strengthening the care and affection they shared. And yet, he almost missed it.
As the bus came to a stop down the street from Souta’s house, Nao popped up from the seat. He was no more prepared for this conversation than he was when he’d left the amusement park. If anything, he was more nervous that they would somehow find a way to screw this up again, but he was determined to have this talk nonetheless. Whether it went well or--
No, not this time. I like Souta, and he likes me! I’m pretty sure. He thought as he leapt from the bus.
Nao was pretty sure this was going to be the worst confession ever.
Mrs. Ueshima hesitated. Being a parent wasn't always easy. Of course not. However, she thought she at least had a grasp on how to comfort her children by now. But the way Souta had shuffled into the house an hour earlier, head bowed, shoulders slumped. She was at a loss. He'd only let out a low murmur of “I'm home,” instead of his usual joyful, boisterous announcement of arrival. Not answering when Riku asked if the amusement park's food was as yummy as he'd imagined. Or Iori demanded to see pictures of the illumination. Even with his eyes angled down, never quite meeting any of their gazes, she could tell he was on the verge of crying.
This wasn't the first time Souta had come home in such a state. In fact, something similar had happened just a week or two ago. At first she thought it was soccer related. They had lost their regional game a bit back, but Souta hadn't so much as mentioned soccer troubles since. She then feared it was work. She and her husband had been worried the load would be too much. And Souta was just starting to do better in school, she didn't want him to be overloaded. But when they had gone as a family to visit Souta at work, other than his flustered, whispered pleas for them to “ please just go home already” he hadn't seemed upset at all. No, her son had been wonderful. Floating around the room like the capable young man she knew him to be. Smiling at all the customers, talking orders, delivering food with kind words. Even when things had gotten busy he’d seemed at ease. She had quickly ruled out his job as the problem, but then that only left…
“Please, Ueshima-san. I know he was upset when he left the amusement park today. But he left while I was on a ride and I didn't get to talk to him. He left before I could say bye. I just--” Nao looked flustered, unsettled. As if he needed to get inside, to see Souta or he might fall apart on the doorstep. “I just want to check on him.”
This too was becoming a familiar sight for Ueshima. This was the third time she had answered the door to Iseya-kun. While the first had been quite normal. Just a friend returning her silly son's phone. The second time had been quite distressing. The young man had looked ready to collapse. It had been clear that Iseya was seconds away from tears. More so than Souta looked today. She had learned later that he had lost his mother. She wanted nothing more than to hold him, and her own children, in a tight embrace. Let him know he was welcome here whenever. Souta had said when Iseya-kun left the next day he was in better spirits. She'd hoped he was managing well since then.
But here he is once again. Looking quite distressed on her steps. He didn't look nearly as fragile as the last time. In fact, there was a steel eyed look of determination behind the anxious way he shifted about.
She wanted to let him in. Maybe he could help her son but…
“I’m sorry, Iseya-kun. Souta wasn’t feeling very well when he came home. I think he just needs to rest. I’m sure he’ll be fine when you see him at school,” she said.
“ Please!” Nao bowed deeply at the waist. Despite the misery in his voice, his bow was perfect.
Maybe…She hesitated again, but the look on her son’s face earlier, the look on the young man’s face in front of her, was her undoing.
“Okay.” She relented, stepping aside to wave him into the house. “Just, just be gentle. He told us he wanted to be alone for the night. I don’t know how he’ll take to having company.”
Nao was already sliding past her. Slipping off his shoes and haphazardly placing them next to the others lined up by the door.
“Thank you!” Nao said, stopping briefly to hastily bow once more. “I promise, I only want to help.” He turned, hurrying up the stairs.
Her husband glanced at her from the couch when Nao flew by, raising his eyebrows.
“Was that one of Souta’s friends? It didn’t look like Himura, but he rushed past so quickly I couldn’t tell who it was.”
“No.” She responded, trailing behind Nao, resting her hand on the stair banister. “It wasn’t Himura.” She looked over at her husband, sitting on the couch with Iori and Riku. They had been watching a movie together when Iseya knocked. “It was Iseya.”
“Iseya!” Iori’s head jerked up at the sound of the name. “Iseya is here?”
“Yes. He’s here to check on Souta.” She rejoined them on the couch. Still glancing over her shoulder toward the stairs.
“I can go make sure he finds Souta’s room.” Iori offered.
“Let’s leave them be for now.”
She caught her husband’s eye on one of her glances back. He raised his brows at her, silently asking if he should be concerned. If it was okay to send Iseya to see Souta when he was so down. She returned his silent question with a weary smile, shrugging one shoulder. They returned their attention to the movie.
I hope this helps. She thought.
Nao’s heart was pounding. It took everything not to sprint past Souta's mom and dash up the stairs, shoes be damned, the second she said he could see Souta. As it stands he was barely restraining himself to a quick march up said stairs. He wanted nothing more than to see Souta. To ask him if the tickets burning a hole in his pocket were a sign of his affection. Of his interest.
I should’ve brought the shoes. He swore to himself. I should have stopped at home and grabbed them. Prove that I’ve been thinking of him just as much. That I miss him the moment he leaves. It was too late for that now. He was here, slowing to a stop in front of what he knew to be Souta’s door. Nao had only been in this house twice. One of those times was one of the worst days of his life, but he could never forget this door. This room. Each time he was here, he somehow ended up lying with Souta on his bed. Learning something new about the boy who had burst into his life, then piece by piece put his heart back together. It wasn’t long before he’d taken those pieces, now whole again, and kept them. Claiming Nao’s heart as his own.
I guess it’s only fair. Nao smiled softly. For everything he’s done. For all the fighting and tears. For this situation with Arashi. That knocked the smile off his face. He couldn’t believe it had gotten that far. That he hadn’t noticed that was what was causing Souta’s pain. It didn’t matter anymore. He was here. He was going to settle this. And he was hopefully going to have a date to a concert.
Nao blushed at the thought, then set his shoulders back. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he raised his hand to knock on the door.
“Souta?”
It had been quiet upstairs for a long time. Normally, Riku would have long been in bed and Iori would soon be getting ready to follow, but Mrs. Ueshima wanted to give the boys as much space as possible. She didn’t want the noise of wrestling with Riku to brush his teeth, and Iori arguing for a later bedtime to disrupt whatever conversations were happening in Souta’s room. Her husband seemed in agreement, cause when the movie had ended several minutes ago, he offered to grab another snack and let Iori pick the next movie.
While Riku cheered about a snack, and Iori scrolled through her options, rolling her eyes at her mom’s light warning to keep it PG-13, Mrs. Ueshima joined her husband in the kitchen.
“Do you think they’re okay up there? It’s been pretty quiet.” She asked, worriedly wringing her hands.
“I’m sure they’re fine. Souta has been pretty down lately. He probably just needs a pick me up from a friend. And isn’t Iseya the one that he’s been spending most of his time with? This will help him wonders. Have a little faith.” He rounded up the snacks and started back toward the living room. Stopping at the sound of footsteps on the stairs, he looked back at his wife. “Looks like they’re wrapping things up. Souta will be back to normal soon.”
Before he could make it back to the living room, he ran into Iseya at the base of the stairs.
“Hey Iseya. Thanks for checking on Souta. He really needed---” His words fail him as he looks down at the young man. His wife came up beside him, trying to see if things had been solved. Her heart sank when she saw the despondent look on Iseya’s face.
“Thank you for letting me in.” Nao said, only raising his eyes to theirs for a moment to show his sincerity. He dropped them again as he shuffled toward the door. “I’m sorry for disturbing you. Have a good evening.” Iseya tugged his shoes on at the door, opened it, then dipped his head toward the adults still stalled in the hallway, staring worriedly after him.
He left without another word.
When she turned to meet her husband’s eye, the calm surety that had been there moments ago had been replaced with weighty unease.
Later that night, as they got themselves ready for bed, Mrs. Ueshima got onto her side of the bed still thinking about her oldest child. After Iseya had left, she climbed the stairs to Souta’s room, knocking lightly on the door. She got a tearful “go away” in return, which only served to wrench her heart from her chest.
“Souta,” she had called. “I just want to make sure you’re okay. What happened with Iseya?”
“Nothing!” He shouted back. “Nothing.” He said quieter, sadder. “Mom, please. I just want to be alone. Please.”
That was the second time that word had swayed her decision tonight. That the plea had broken a small piece of her. She let her son be. Telling him that she would be there if he wanted to talk. When she only got silence in return, she went back downstairs to watch the movie. After Riku’s head started to tip over and Iori’s yawns got closer together, they turned the movie off. Promising to finish it the next day, they shuffled their children to bed. The whole time her mind was on Souta.
She didn’t understand. Iseya is Souta’s friend. Any time Souta talked about him he couldn’t hold back his smile. What had happened in the last few weeks that had crushed him. He was practically skipping out the door after the school festival. He had been floating in such a way that she and her husband had giggled over the possibility of a crush. But then he started to close down, slowly returning back to earth. Where he had once been floating he was now dragging. When he texted her that he was going to be home late one day because he and Iseya were going to an arcade, she thought it was a good thing. Especially after watching Souta slowly wilt and curl into himself. She hoped that would cheer him up. But that night, when he finally got home, he looked miserable. She tried asking what was wrong, where Iseya was, but Souta had only shrugged. Mentioning that another student, a girl if she remembered correctly, had joined them. Souta had said that Iseya and the girl were talking about music so he left. Saying something about not wanting to disturb them.
Now that she thought about it. That was the last time Souta had truly mentioned Iseya and around the last time he had smiled so wide.
But what happened at the arcade? If he had fun with Iseya and everything was fine until the other student came, then Souta should be---
Oh!
Oh.