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When the knock at the door rang through your empty apartment at half-past three in the morning, it would've been an understatement to say that you were just a little frustrated.
It had been a long day, and an even longer week. Classes were driving you crazy, and between that and the part-time job you had, there honestly wasn't much time for anything else; including, you thought with a sigh, the blond-haired, blue-eyed boy standing outside your door, dressed in his jeans and a t-shirt, as if he hadn't even tried to go to sleep.
"Luke? What're you... It's- It's three a.m.," You croaked out, running a hand through your disheveled hair and leaning against the doorframe, gazing at him in confusion.
"At least let me in, please," He replied in a small voice, one you didn't think you'd ever heard this clearly. It unsettled you, and the uncomfortable awkwardness of the situation meshed with your sleepy demeanour wasn't setting a very pleasant scene. You just wanted to get it over with, so you could head back to bed and get more rest before you had to be up and functioning again the next morning.
Moving away from the door so he could step in, you closed and locked the door before following him to the couch where you'd spent many nights cuddled up and watching movies, which, more often than not, lead to multiple unapologetic rounds of sex. There were many memories etched onto that couch, and now they seemed to play like a loop through your head- that time that you were sick and Luke brought over soup and made sure you took your medicine, when he passed his finals with straight A's, and you celebrated with two bottles of champagne and lots of making out. But this time was different, and it seemed like you both knew it. There was a sense of danger in the air, something ominous but subtle that threatened to envelop the two of you at any moment.
"Luke?" You tried again, sinking down onto the couch beside him. There was a reasonable space between the two of you, you thought, enough to keep anything ridiculous from happening at this time of the night. You didn't put it past him from coming here just because he missed the way your body felt against his.
Although, come to think of it, you were the one who missed that.
With the days and weeks becoming more rushed, you barely had any time to spend with the boy you'd grown fond of. In fact, you couldn't really remember the last exact time that you'd seen each other naked. And, with the sex drive that both of you had, that meant something serious. You missed the way his arm dipped around the curve of your back, and you missed his kisses. You missed the way his lips slotted perfectly against yours, and he sucked on your bottom lip just slightly, his hands rubbing at your hips just how he knew you liked it. You missed the way you were like a doll in his hands, and you missed the way he took care of you so well.
"We both know why I'm here," he spoke eventually, his voice gruff and cracking at the edges of each word, like it was burning his throat as they slipped past his lips. "Don't even start to give me any 'No, I don't' bullshit."
You stood, shocked, your lips parted just slightly as you watched him. Never, since the day he came into your life as a one-night stand eight months ago, had he ever sounded so callous.
"Luke, I- I really don't know what you're-" You started to reason, but before you could even finish your sentence, those piercing icy blue eyes were fixed on yours.
"Really?" He snapped, pausing to lick his lips before shaking his head and continuing in an eerily calm voice that made you certain that this was the calm before the storm. "Well, it's not like I haven't been here before, Y/N, and it's not like you were complaining when I was making you moan right here on this goddamn couch, at three in the fucking morning that night eight months ago."
You winced as he brought his hand down and hit the leather cushions, the sound echoing harshly. You were honestly dumbfounded, not knowing what to say.
Since your 'relationship' had started, neither one of you wanted to put a label on it. You'd discussed it and agreed that it would be better if no feelings were to develop, so that nobody would get hurt. You would definitely be lying if you claimed to never have thought about Luke as more than just a friend with benefits, but you put those feelings to sleep with a reminder that it would never work between the two of you. And so you pretended; you pretended to never notice the way his smile was different whe he was around you, you pretended to be oblivious to how he cared for and about you, and in doing so, you pretended that neither one of you had fallen in love. You reckoned you had been doing a pretty good job.
And then this happened.
"Say something," he demanded, but all you could do was shake your head helplessly. Luke chuckled humourlessly, running a hand through his hair and leaning back against the couch, his arms crossed over his chest.
You could only watch him, a silent tear escaping your eye before you wiped it away fiercely, moving closer to the boy in front of you whom you could see was breaking at the cracks. You needed to be the cement, the glue, that would hold him together. But you couldn't be. You couldn't be, you couldn't be.
"I'm sorry," you whispered, your voice barely audible as you reached a hand up to caress his face. He flinched away, which only made you want to sob, but you had to do this. You owed him just as much, if not more. Steadying your arm, you tried again, and this time he let you touch his face, your fingers tracing across his cheek before you cupped his jaw. "I'm sorry, Luke," you repeated, continuing to move closer until you were practically straddling his lap, kissing the corner of his mouth while he remained still, like a statue carved from the finest marble.
Eventually, his arms left his chest and strayed to your waist, holding you just like he always did. His lips found yours, and you spoke in a language only the both of you understood. His kisses had always been perfect. Fairytale perfect. There was no bumping noses or teeth, no tangled tongues or sloppy drool. This time, it was no different. The kiss itself was perfect, but you felt as though you were no longer kissing your Prince Charming.
Somehow, through the tangle of limbs and kisses that you had become, your top was being pulled off as he trailed kisses all the way down your jaw to your neck and along your chest. Everything felt hazy, like the first time you smoked pot with your classmates in the tenth grade. Where his hands roamed along your body, you felt numb and warm, like a fire was igniting under your skin. But at the same time, everything was cold.
Luke seemed to understand the reality of the situation as his expression was blank, his movements practiced and precise as he pleasured the both of you like he had done many times before, but never under the circumstances that it was then. When you had both finished, you lay in his arms, exhausted and unsure of what was to come. He was still underneath you, but his arm traced circles on the small of your back like he always did when you lay together.
You looked up at him, craning your neck up for a kiss, but before your lips could meet, he turned away. Gently hoisting you up and setting you down on the couch beside him, he stood and began to pull his clothes back on. You could only watch in confusion, having the common sense to pull your underwear and t-shirt back on at the very least.
"Babe?" You called out softly, your voice barely making it out past your lips. You weren't even sure if he heard you, as he carried on like you hadn't said anything. Only when he was fully dressed once more did he sit and match your stare. You were terrified, and on the verge of trembling.
He laughed again, and it was as empty and sinister as the last. "Babe?" He asked mockingly, "Is that my nickname, since I made you orgasm?"
Again, you didn't know what to respond. But you were tired, and some part of you knew that, no matter was going to happen tonight, you would need to be up early the next day, and you didn't have the time or energy for more petty drama. Maybe you were finally done playing the victim, or maybe you were just not in the mood to deal with shit. Either way, it gave you a little bit more of a spine as you gathered the courage to reply. "It's your nickname, since we're..." You stopped, caught in your own fucking web. You both weren't dating, and there was an unspoken 'no feelings' contract between the two of you. What could you say? What was he to you?
Luke seemed to catch on fast, or perhaps that was his intention all along. To have you realise what had made him so broken. "Go on, say it," he dared, "Since we're...? Since we're what? What are we, Y/N?"
Your throat was dry and everything was happening too fast. "Nothing," you spat out faster than you could stuff the words back into the pit of dread in your stomach. "W-We're... Nothing." You had no choice but to carry on, in disbelief that you had actually said the words that nobody wanted to hear.
"Nothing," Luke repeated with the amusement of a child learning a new word, "Nothing." He scoffed, nodding.
"Luke, I didn't mean-"
"No, you fucking did!" He yelled, and when you finally had the decency to look him in the eye, you saw that his eyes were glassy, making them look like the reflection of the ocean in a glacier. "You fucking know what you just fucking said. And I- I can't believe that it's taken you- what? Six months? Four? To figure out that you should fucking tell me."
You shook your head desperately, tears dripping from your cheeks before you could stop them. It was as if your brain wasn't working, and you were fixed to the spot. Like you were watching a cruel play in which you were the main character, but you couldn't control your own actions.
"Why couldn't you just have told me, Y/N? That you didn't feel anything for me, that you just wanted a fun fuck every now and then? Why did you have to lead me on? Why did you make me think you loved me, when you... When you don't?" Luke's voice broke on the last word, as if he was still trying to convince himself of the horrible, ugly accusation he was hurling at you.
"I never said I didn't love you, Luke," you cried out, panicking at how out of hand this was getting. Sure, you'd had fights and arguments before, but not to this degree. Never to this degree.
"You didn't fucking say that you did, either."
That was... True. You'd never sat yourself down and thought about it, either. Relationships weren't something that bad ever come easy to you, not with the kind of marriage you'd seen your parents have; full of messy fights and heartbreak that you didn't think you'd ever be strong enough to endure. And so, in doing your best to protect your own fragile heart, had you broken somebody else's?
"Luke, I'm sorry, I-" you started, your mind running through every possible thing you could say to fix the situation.
He threw up a hand, stopping you before you could even start. "No more excuses, no more lies," he pleaded, looking down. You swore you saw a teardrop fall, but then again, it could've been one of your own. "Just. Do one thing for me. One thing. Please."
You nodded, not having to think twice. You didn't want to think about it now, at some ungodly hour, but the sinking feeling of guilt was slowly beginning to consume you, and you knew you'd drown in it later on. How could you have done such a foolish thing? You'd refused yourself a relationship out of childish fear, and by doing so you'd withheld your love from someone so loving, someone who only ever cared for you from the start. "Anything," you promised, a note of hope in your voice.
"Tell me you love me. Lie."
You faltered, gulping and already beginning to shake your head, your heart breaking even more as you realised you were about to deny him something more. But you couldn't do that. Not when you knew it was something he was going to replay in his mind later on, when he thought of you and his affection turned to sorrow and the bitterness of rejection and unrequited love. You couldn't feed the flames that you'd started by accident.
"Please, Y/N, just this once. Tell me you love me, I don't care if it's a goddamn lie." He begged, watching you with an expression that you didn't even want to begin to decipher. "I just... I need to see you say it. I need to hear it."
You were silent, finally caving and your lips beginning to form the dreaded words when he spoke again, his shoulders collapsing in a sob.
"Can’t you pretend to love me this once? If you can't, I'll know... I'll know you never meant for anything more than a one-night stand, and it was all my fault for misreading things." He rambled, his words stuttering and falling all over each other like you knew they did when he was scared.
The truth was, you loved him. You didn't have to pretend to, and you didn't have to lie. You loved Luke. But you couldn't let him know. So you stayed quiet once more, mouthing the words but never letting them pass your vocal cords. You stayed quiet, and watched as Luke nodded in resignation, said something, although you weren't paying attention to what it was, and left. You stayed silent and watched the love of your life leave, and all because you were too afraid that someone might actually love you back.