Work Text:
Sometimes he wondered if being decapitated would make the demon less annoying. Not that it really mattered. He couldn’t cut the head off of Upper Moon One even if he wanted to. Still, the fantasy of having his personal space back was a nice one.
So long as he didn’t consider what that would really mean.
No, Shinjuro did not want to be alone again, even if it meant being snuggled half to death by a man who insisted on clamping his teeth down on his neck to make sure he was still there.
Shinjuro sighed and ran his hand through Kokushibo’s hair. “You gonna talk about it this time?”
Silence.
“Can we at least lay on our sides? You’re heavy.”
Nothing.
“I’m sober six months tomorrow,” Shinjuro said to fill the quiet. Kokushibo said he liked the sound of his voice. “Senjuro’s got some dish planned. He doesn’t know I know, but I overheard him tell Kyojuro about it.”
Shinjuro kept playing with the demon’s hair as he spoke. “I didn’t hear what it was, though, so that’s still a surprise. I haven’t had a favorite food since… It’s been awhile, so I can’t begin to guess what it could be.”
Kokushibo shifted, forcing a grunt out of Shinjuro.
“Kyojuro is still sneaking around with someone,” he said tiredly. “Don’t know why he doesn’t come out with it. It’s not like he’s subtle. Hell, I’ve seen bulls stealthier than him and his lover.”
“I know it’s a man,” Shinjuro went on. “I’ve heard him cackle enough to know that, but anything else? Nothing. My boy’s been seeing someone for a year and hasn’t said a single word about him to me. Maybe… Maybe he still doesn’t trust me. I know I wouldn’t.”
Kokushibo unlatched from Shinjuro’s neck. “I envy you… your chance to start anew.”
Shinjuro said nothing of his luck to have such forgiving sons. Kokushibo almost never spoke when he got like this and Shinjuro didn’t want to interrupt.
“I can never… make things right with them.”
Kyojuro’s booming laugh echoed down the hall, followed by Senjuro’s lighter laughter.
“Who?” Shinjuro prompted.
“My children,” Kokushibo said so quietly Shinjuro barely heard him. “I cannot remember… their faces… their names.”
Shinjuro could only imagine what had happened to those kids, but he didn’t want to press the demon before he was ready to share something so personal.
“I threw a bottle at Kyojuro once,” he confessed instead. “It broke against the wall behind him. A shard of clay nearly took out his eye. I never did anything like that again, but gods , I can never take that moment back.”
He could still remember the hurt and fear on his son’s face. He’d flinched away from Shinjuro when he’d rushed to help.
“I think…” Shinjuro hesitated. “I think what we deserve and what we get are two very different things. And I think you should get the chance to forgive yourself.”
“Do you… forgive… yourself?”
“Not yet,” Shinjuro admitted. “But one day I’d like to.”
Kokushibo buried his face in Shinjuro’s chest. “I am… a coward.”
“Most paths worth walking are frightening.” Shinjuro stroked his head. “BNut once you take that first step, it gets a little easier.”
“Akaza is trying… to turn us against the Demon King… I had thought him… foolish at first, but… you make me think he is right,” Kokushibo said, voice muffled by Shinjuro’s chest.
Shinjuro blinked slowly. “Akaza? The bastard that nearly killed my son?”
“He is… the one your son sneaks into the house near nightly,” Kokushibo said without lifting his head.
Shinjuro sat bolt upright, dislodging the demon, “What?!”
The sound of laughter died in the house, replaced by heavy footfalls coming this way.
“Father?” Kyojuro called through the fusuma. “Is everything all right?”
“Yes!” he shouted, throwing a blanket over himself and the demon as if that would actually hide his guest should Kyojuro open the door. “It was just… a bad dream.”
There was a beat of silence, then, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Shinjuro closed his eyes, touched by his son’s concern.
He still cares, after everything.
Intellectually, he knew that. But knowing something and experiencing it were two different beasts all together.
HIs heart ached and he clutched Kokushibo tightly. “No, son. I’m fine… Thank you.”?
“Rest well, Father.” Kyojuro’s footsteps faded down the hall.
Shinjuro lifted the blanket to find six eyes staring at him. He had a lot of questions after that revelation, but he stuck to the most important. “What are you going to do?”
Kokushibo’s middle set of eyes blinked slowly.
“About Muzan.”
Kokushibo cupped Shinjuro’s cheek with a tenderness a creature like him should not possess. “He would.. never suffer my… indiscretions. I should have told him… what Akaza was doing months ago.”
“Why didn’t you?”
He brushed Shinjuro’s stubble with his thumb reverently. “You are… very distracting.”
Shinjuro snorted but leaned into the demon’s touch. “You didn’t answer my first question.”
“I will do… the only thing a coward can when he is… afraid to lose what he loves… I will… kill him.”
Shinjuro quirked an eyebrow. “I don’t think you know what a coward is.”
“A coward is selfish,” Kokushibo said simply. “He puts… himself first. I do not revel because it is right. I do so… because I am afraid.”
“Would you stay loyal to him if he offered you everything you wanted?”
“He does not… have what I want,” Kokushibo said, nestling once more into Shinjuro’s neck. “He cannot… give me you.”
Shinjuro sighed as Kokushibo took his neck between his teeth again. Fondness welled in his chest. He should not love this monster… but it was hard not to when Kokushibo saw all of Shinujuro’s ugliness and still chose him over his master.
“I think you are very brave,” Shinjuro whispered softly. “It takes courage to change, even if it’s for selfish reasons.”
Hell, in Shinjuro’s opinion you had to be a little selfish to truly change. It wasn’t enough to want to be better for others. That was a start, but eventually you had to want it for yourself, had to value yourself enough to stick with what you started. You ran the risk of losing your motivation otherwise.
Shinjuro held Kokushibo tighter. He hoped the demon was as selfish as he said he was, because if he was, if he killed the King of Demons, then Shinjuro would never have to worry about losing him.
It was a wholly selfish desire, but Shinjuro would be the first to admit he was a selfish man.
But that was okay.
He and Kokushibo could be selfish together.
If only for a little while.