Work Text:
By the time Joe had made it to the office, he was tired enough to seriously consider turning around and going home. With a full day of classes behind him, few things sounded worse than talking on the phone with potentially hostile strangers. More than anything, he wanted to curl up in bed with hot chocolate and hate watch the newest season of Love is Blind with Nile.
But, he reminded himself grimly, Nile was out visiting her parents this week and the nice hot chocolate kept getting more expensive. He needed this job if he was going to continue the habit.
Suppressing a sigh, Joe stepped into the Office of National Statistics building.
Looking back on the day later, it wasn’t the worst shift he’d ever had. Already within the first hour he managed to conclude multiple successful surveys and barely got yelled at in the process. No, he wouldn’t remember the day as a particularly bad one.
But he would remember it.
He’d just sat down with his second cup of coffee when it happened. The phone rang for a few seconds before it was picked up with a click.
“Ciao bello,” said a male voice from the other end of the line.
“Good evening!” Joe replied in his best customer service voice. ”My name is Joe, is now a good time to talk?”
“I have all the time in the world for you, Joe,” said the man. He had an Italian accent, and a deep smooth voice, both aspects that in a different context could have been very exciting.
Joe pushed that thought away just as soon as it had popped in his head. This wasn’t the place or the time.
“Wonderful! I’m calling from the office of national statistics. I just have a few questions for you and then you can get on with your evening.”
There was just the slightest pause before the voice said, “My evening’s all the better for you being in it,” which was, in Joe’s opinion, refreshingly polite.
“Fantastic.”
Joe took out the script and began to read out loud. “Now I do have to warn you, the particular survey we’re completing at the moment may get a little personal, but you don’t have to answer anything you’re uncomfortable with, and we can stop the survey at any time.”
“I’m comfortable with great many things Joe,” the man replied. “With a voice as beautiful as yours to listen to, how could I not be?”
Joe gasped. Heat rushed to his cheeks. Out of all the people in the area, he had somehow landed on a man with a sexy Italian accent who was also flirting with him. It wasn’t entirely appropriate, but it warmed something in him. Maybe it had just been too long since he’d gotten laid.
“That’s great,” he managed to respond after what had to be an awkwardly long pause. “Can we start with your name? Just your first name is fine, so I know who I’m speaking with. This survey is anonymous.”
“You can call me Nicky,” the man said, and Joe smiled.
“Nicky. That’s a great name,” Joe replied, still riding the wave of Nicky’s compliment.
Then, with a remarkable air of casual confidence, Nicky followed it up with “It sounds best when you scream it.”
Joe froze.
“…Right,” he said, after taking a few seconds to gather his bearings. “So! Nicky, If you had to put a label on your gender, the label you would choose would be…?”
There was a slight pause.
“I’m all man,” Nicky replied, increasingly lascivious by the syllable. Joe was starting to have a sinking feeling about this call. He forced out a laugh, which turned into a cough.
“Similarly, if you had to put a label on your sexuality…?”
“…Gay?” Nicky replied, sounding momentarily confused before finding his sleazy stride again. “But I’m always open to new experiences.”
How had this voice sounded sexy just a minute ago?
“Of course you are,” Joe replied, and then slapped a hand over his mouth.
“The purpose of this call, Nicky, is to gather data on access to sexual health and social services for various demographics.” Joe said, after getting a grip and forcing himself back on script. “As I said previously, if at any point you are uncomfortable answering, you don’t have to, or if you would like to answer or are unsure, I can potentially rephrase the question. Are you happy to proceed?”
Nicky was quiet for a while before replying with an unsure sounding “I’m… all yours?”
Great.
”In the last six months, have you accessed sexual health services in your local authority area, including any walk-in testing clinics or PrEP clinics?”
“I’m good to go bare, bello,” Nicky nearly purred into the reciever. “Clean and clear.”
Joe felt an involuntary shudder. He was not being paid enough to deal with this.
“When did you last access a sexual health service, including a walk-in testing clinic or PrEP clinic?” he tried again.
“A– last month?” Nicky said, sounding confused again.
“And it was…?”
“A…walk-in clinic?”
“Thank you,” Joe said, and didn’t add ’finally’ like he wanted to. He typed in Nicky’s answers as fast as he could, determined to speed through this nightmare.
“Was that the only time in the last six months you accessed this service?” Joe asked, doing his best to hold onto the customer service voice, and failing somewhat miserably.
“No…?”
Joe felt relieved to be getting normal replies for a change. Maybe they could get through this. Maybe the worst was over.
“How many times have you accessed sexual heath services in the last six months?”
“Twice?”
“Yes or no, do you find you access these services more when you’re sexually active?” Joe was hoping desperately, that the normal answers would continue and that Nicky wouldn’t revert back to his “flirting”.
“Yes?”
“And are you currently sexually active, Nicky?” Please, please say no. Please let’s just get this over with and-
“I’m active right now, gorgeous,” Nicky breathed into the receiver as Joe’s fears were realised. He swore in Arabic at the ceiling. Why did this have to happen to him!
“That’s it, baby” Nicky said unzipping something Joe desperately didn’t want to know more about on the other end of the line. “You sound so good, talk to me more. You’re getting me so worked up.”
With a shudder of revulsion, Joe finally snapped.
“Listen, asshole,” Joe spat, pressing the headset mic closer to his mouth for emphasis. “I don’t have to take this from you, where do you get off being such a creep?”
“Hey!” Nicky said, sounding suddenly unreasonably indignant given how he’d been behaving a second ago. “You phoned me, how dare you?”
“How dare I?” Joe could not believe the gall of this man. ”I’m not the one hitting on someone doing their goddamn job.”
“Oh fuck you. Is this your thing, calling and harassing workers on sex lines? Big fucking man, eh? Must make you feel fucking great.” Nicky’s voice dripped with venom and Joe—
Joe’s stomach dropped.
No. It didn’t make any sense. How could the system have…
Except it did make sense. Thinking about the conversation in that context, suddenly all of Nicky’s answers were starting to click into place.
“A… sex line?”
“No, it’s the speaking clock,” Nicky said, and the sheer honest disgust and frustration in his voice could not have been faked.
“You’re a sex line?” Joe asked again, mostly to the universe. God, why did this have to happen to him.
“Who the fuck did you think you were phoning when the operator told you it was ten euro for the first five minutes and five for every five minutes after?”
“I never…” Joe rubbed his beard, unable to find the words. “I never spoke to an operator. The lines cold-call automatically. I just wait for it to connect.”
“What?”
“I…”
”No, I heard what you said. What are you talking about?” Nicky asked, sounding much less hostile and much more confused again. Joe could relate.
“I’m… I’m just doing a survey to make some extra money,” Joe said, feeling helplessly out of his depth. “The numbers call themselves. At random, within five local authority areas.”
There was a long pause where neither of them spoke. Joe was fairly certain nothing like this had happened to anyone else in the office before. Surely he’d have heard about it. Then again… maybe not. He would not be telling anyone about this fuckup any time soon.
“So you… weren’t messing with me?” Nicky finally asked, prompting an involuntary laugh from Joe.
“So you were acting completely appropriately?”
“I don’t really know what to do now,” Nicky said, and Joe rubbed his beard trying to figure out what the logical next step would be.
“I don’t suppose I can actually use any of these answers,” he mused, mostly to himself.
“No, all my answers were true,” Nicky said, and Joe felt his eyebrows lift involuntarily.
“Really?”
“It’s easier to maintain a lie if it’s mostly true.”
“Sorry if I’ve stopped you earning much tonight,” Joe said, feeling a guilty pang. “I… I don’t really know how this happened. I’ll probably need to inform the operations team.”
“It shouldn’t be possible, as far as I know,” said Nicky, sounding sheepish, “but then again, I don’t actually know anything about how these things work.”
Joe couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing. The surreality of the situation was just too much. Nile would make fun of him for weeks.
“Thanks for the story, Nicky. Is that really your name?”
“It is,” Nicky said, sounding like he was smiling as well. “Lies, truth, better to keep things simple.”
“I understand, I think.” Joe said, feeling light. “Thank you, Nicky. I hope our paths cross again."
“I hope so too, Joe. Till then.” Nicky’s voice was so warm. Some part of Joe was going to miss it.
“Bye, Nicky,” Joe said, and hung up with a smile.
Rest of his shift was largely uneventful, bordering on mind numbingly boring. Despite the boredom, Joe could not fight off a smile the whole night.
Two years later.
Joe yawned so wide his jaw cracked. Grimacing, he held his grip on the steering wheel with one hand and rubbed the edge of his beard with another. He should not be driving. Thankfully, home was very close.
Turning onto his street and parking the car were a blur. He yawned again while locking the car and heard another crack. A nap was in order.
Unlocking the front door, he stopped to listen. Just like he’d thought, there was the telltale murmur of Nicky speaking, no doubt still in the middle of work. He entertained the thought of listening in for a hot second (it was a fun way to make Nicky flustered), but no. He was too tired for that today. He’d just make a cup of tea and wait for Nicky to finish working, ask if Nicky would like to join him for a nap.
When Joe woke up, he was sprawled halfway across the couch and Nicky was looking down at him with a smile on his face.
“Sleep well?” Nicky asked and handed him a hot mug containing the tea Joe had only half managed to start preparing before he’d fallen asleep.
“I was going to ask for you to join me,” Joe mumbled and sat up, accepting the mug. Nicky sat down next to him, lifting his arm. Joe immediately snuggled under it.
“Looked like you were managing fine on your own. I could hear you snoring all the way from the bedroom,” Nicky said, and Joe poked his side.
“Well, I could hear you too. How was the stallion’s ride today huh?” Predictably, and despite how many times Joe had made the joke, Nicky flushed.
“It was all right,” he said, sounding bashful, “but I think the last two calls were two too many. My throat feels sore now.”
There was a dirty joke there, just waiting for Joe to pick it up, but no. He could hear the roughness in Nicky’s voice too. Joe snuggled a little tighter to Nicky’s side and handed him the mug.
“Well, in that case you’re going to drink this tea, since you need it more,” Joe said. “And I’m going to tell you about my day, until we need to get up and make dinner. And then we need to not get distracted by other things, so we leave the house in time and don’t miss the game with Andy and Quynh again.”
Nicky took the mug from Joe and leaned in to give him a kiss, reminding him of just how they’d gotten distracted last time.
“Sounds perfect,” Nicky said. “Tell me everything. You know I’ve always loved listening to you talk.”