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I hate New Year’s.
To me, it’s just another crushing reminder of how fast life moves and how powerless we are against the ticking hourglass of time. Even the mere thought of it jumpstarts my anxiety. So, when I saw the flyer for the dorm party in the halls, I naturally dismissed it without a second thought. Had I even liked the holiday, depression made it so that I could only barely make it to my classes, let alone go to social events.
But as I trudged through the day, the flyer kept creeping back into my mind. It was my freshman year in a college far from home. If I was going to make it through the next three and a half years, I was going to need some friends. I was sick of being stuck with no one but myself, left to drown in the abyss of my mind. If things went well, this party could be my chance to finally make a social connection. And if not… well, I supposed that I could retreat to my room if things didn’t go well. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like this party might not be that bad of an idea after all.
So I went.
The night of the party, I stepped into the dorm commons, my ballooning anxiety threatening to pop. As I twirled my chestnut hair around my finger and nervously looked around the room, doubts began to plague my mind. What was I thinking, coming down here? I didn’t know anyone here. I was a fool for thinking this was a good idea. But then, suddenly, amongst the sea of the unknown, my eyes found something very familiar:
The piano.
Playing the piano always brought me comfort, but I’d never had the courage to play the one in the commons. There was almost always someone else using the space, and playing with others present gave me too much anxiety. But if there was any time to overcome that fear, it was now. I desperately needed something to ground myself, and this was a perfect opportunity. Besides, I doubted anyone would pay attention to my playing, if they could even hear it among all the chatter.
I made my way to the piano, fighting to keep my composure. I sat down, readying my fingers to play. I took a deep breath, relaxed my trembling hands, and began.
I meant to only play for a minute, maybe less, but once I started, I couldn’t stop. I got lost in the music, letting my gliding fingers carry me away from my worries. As the last notes of the song rang out, I let go of my breath and relaxed my hands, calm as a kite in the gentle breeze.
“Nice playing!” said an impressed voice behind me.
Startled, I whipped around, nearly falling off the piano bench. I was so absorbed in the music, I hadn’t even realized there was someone right next to me!
“Sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you,” he apologized. “Seriously, though, you’ve got some talent!”
“Oh… Uh, thanks.” I replied quietly, my eyes on the floor before I caught myself. I came down here to make friends, not to be an anxious, avoidant mess! If I wanted to accomplish my goal, I realized, I would have to put some effort in. I lifted my gaze to meet his. I examined his eyes— green with a mix of hazel— to distract myself. “I’m… I’m Samantha. But you can call me Sam.” I said, my voice a touch louder, a touch bolder.
“I’m Max,” the boy said, smiling. “Care for a drink?” he offered, extending a can of soda to me.
“Oh! Sure.” I took the can from him and opened it. “Thanks,” I added, taking in the sweet aroma of orange soda— my favorite.
He opened a can of his own. “Cheers?” he said, a goofy grin on his face.
I couldn’t help but mirror his contagious smile. “Cheers,” I laughed, clinking my can with his.
As we sipped our drinks, my mind wouldn’t stop buzzing. Why was he being so nice? Obviously, I appreciated it, but… why? Why me? And how was he so confident, seeming like there wasn’t even a hint of anxiety gripping his brain?
I caught myself again, this time from slipping into a spiral of overthinking. I closed my eyes and grounded myself with the flavor of the soda, the prick of carbonation tickling my tongue. I just needed to stay in the moment. After all, it was a party that I came to— if nothing else, I could at least have some fun while I was here.
I just needed to take that leap of faith.
I lowered the can from my mouth and took a deep breath. I could do this.
“Hey,” I said to Max, “I heard they were bringing out the ping pong table tonight.” I put on a teasing grin. “You wanna play a round?”
* * * * *
Between 6 rounds of ping pong (after which we agreed to settle on a tie) and an attempted piano lesson (at Max’s request), it was almost midnight before we knew it. It was hard to believe how fast time flew when you were having… fun. I hadn’t had this much fun or been this happy in months. Naturally, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows; my mood often teetered, threatening to dip, but even when it did, I was able to remain composure and work around it. It felt so… so freeing, so wonderful, to not have melancholy constantly dragging at my heels, weighing me down.
But soon, the party would be over, and I would be returned to my misery. I didn’t have much time left before the claws of depression sunk into me once more, dragging me deeper and deeper each day. This, on top of the anxiety of New Year’s… it was just too much. Anxiety started to grow in my chest again, and my thoughts began to spiral soon after. I felt my hands get clammy, my head grow light…
“Sam? Everything ok?” interrupted a concerned Max, his hand on my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, relaxing my tensed muscles. I just needed to focus on the here and now. “Yeah,” I replied, giving a small smile. “I think the fireworks are starting soon. Do you want to head out to the lake now?” Our college was right by Lake Michigan, and from there you could see the fireworks from the city. I was sure a lot of the kids from our school would be watching them from there, but everyone would be arriving at their own pace. We would be on the earlier side, giving me a little time to take a breather and relax a little.
“Sure! Then we can get a good view before everyone takes all the good spots,” he grinned.
* * * * *
I checked my phone for the millionth time. 11:56. In just four minutes, it would be the new year. I bit the inside of my lip nervously.
“Do you like New Year’s?” I asked suddenly. I could see that the question surprised Max, and it took a second for him to process and respond.
“I guess I do. I think it’s fun to stay up spending time with friends and family, and it’s like… a new beginning, y'know? A fresh start.”
I paused. I hadn’t thought about it like that before.
“What about you? What do you think about New Year’s?” Max asked me in return.
“I’m not really a fan. It just gives me anxiety about how much time really flies. But... I think I like your view of it a little better.”
Max looked at me for a few moments, a puzzled look on his face. Finally, he said, “If you don’t like New Year’s, then why’d you come here? The party, I mean.”
“I wasn’t planning on coming, to be honest. But… I guess I was caught in a rut that I needed to break out of.” I responded. “And… I wanted to try and make a friend,” I added quietly.
“Yeah, I get that. I don’t know that many people here, either. But,” he added, smiling, “I know you now! And you know me. And, well, considering the fact that we just met, I’m not sure if you’d view me as a friend or not, but… at the very least, it’s a start.”
I returned the smile, a genuine one on my face. “That’s a nice way to start the year— with the start of a new friendship.”
“Speaking of,” Max said, checking his watch, “it’s 11:59! The countdown should be starting soon.”
Just as the words left his mouth, voices began to rise up around us, eventually finding synchronization as they counted down. There were only 10 seconds left in the year… but this time, I didn’t feel so bad. For the first time, I joined the countdown with anticipation, maybe even excitement, for the new year to come. Because this year, I wouldn’t be alone.
Because now, I had a friend.