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“You can be a buff nerd.”
“...You think I'm buff?” He pauses for an awkward second and picks up again. You know the exact length of this pause by now. “A-anyway, after we beat the king tomorrow and go our separate ways, I'll change into someone else! Someone who can be both strong and smart! Both at once! What a concept! Doesn’t it sound like someone cool? Doesn’t that feel like someone you wouldn’t feel ashamed of knowing?”
Isabeau…
You feel disgusting just looking at him, now. Why did you have to do that? Why do you have to take advantage of his feelings for you, every time? He only loves you because you're forcing him to love you. If he knew you, if he knew what you've become, he would hate you.
Your throat burns, scraped raw by words you will never say, because of course you won’t. Even now, you'll say the same line, won't you? The script makes you want to vomit, but you’ll follow it anyway, won’t you? It's all about making him happy, making him think you're perfect for him.
You're disgusting, Siffrin.
Follow the blinding script.
“Isa…”
Yet you don’t think you can stomach it anymore.
“...yeah, Sif?”
Does it matter, if you can loop back anyway? The scent of that banana peel makes you nauseous but the thought of doing this again turns your insides out.
“I have two things to tell you.”
You don’t turn to look at him. You look at the stars and the sight of them makes you so hopelessly angry you wish your other eye would be blind too, because seeing stars only forces you to remember that you’ve lost them all. But this unbearable anger is still more bearable than looking at Isa.
You feel his gaze on you. It is painful enough.
“What is it, Sif?”
He doesn’t sound hopeful and it’s good, because it means that at least once in your life you won’t let him down. But it’s also awful, because just how bad are you at this if he notices that something’s wrong from one line away from the script?
You can still turn this around. You can still fall back on how it was, how it’s supposed to be, how it should be. Your mind screams at you to do so.
Your body screams just at the thought of it. Bile creeps up your throat.
“I’ve heard this all before. And…”
And I’m so sorry but you can’t say it. You don’t deserve to say it.
The grass rustles under Isa when he turns to his side and your face burns from how he looks at you.
“Sif? ‘And’ what?”
You do not look back at him. You do not turn back to him. You lock your hands under your cloak and grip so hard the leather of the gloves cuts into your skin. You look at the stars and it hurts, the glow of them that should’ve been yours is now distant and foreign and makes your head hurt so badly it might just split in two.
You do not look at him.
“And you shouldn’t have brought me here.”
No, it’s all wrong. It’s all coming out wrong. You don’t know how to talk without a script anymore, do you? You forgot how to put your mind into words, normal, human words, haven’t you? You’re disgusting, Siffrin.
“Sif?” He sounds so worried. You messed up, you ruined his perfect scene, you made him upset, that’s why you don’t ever go off script… “What do you mean ‘you’ve heard it before’? We’ve never talked about this. Why shouldn't I have brought you here? Is something wrong?”
“Everything is wrong, Isa. Everything about this is wrong.”
You have to fix it, fix it, somehow, just shut up and do something to turn it back, but there’s nothing. And you can’t stop talking.
“We’ve been here before. You told me this before. I’ve lived through it so…”
“Siffrin,” Isa sits up and oh this is bad this is going so bad, “I’ve never told you this. We’ve never been here. What’s going on, buddy? Look at me?”
You can’t. You can’t you can’t you can’t you
“Time loops. Two days, over and over and over and this talk is… Fourth? Fifth? I don’t remember, I never remember anything, don’t I? And…”
“Sif, Siffrin, wait, slow down.” He sits closer and oh stars you don’t think you can handle it right now he tries to look you in the eye but you just look away and everywhere you see are stars cold and unmoving and lost and not yours anymore just how he never was and never will be because you’re absolutely vile “Look at me. Time loops? Am I hearing you right?”
Laughter scrapes your throat open and you almost choke and it would've been better if you did.
“Oooh yes you are, you’re always hearing me right, Isa! Always understanding, always there, ready to listen, always so kind and reliable and that’s what I give you back. I’ve stolen this from you. This evening, this conversation, the field, the stars the words I know it all already and you don’t I know what you’re going to say and you don’t…”
He’s looking at you and you can feel his eyes growing wider, you bet he’s scared, you’re scaring him he didn’t sign up for your temper tantrum today he tried to make it perfect for you but noooo you couldn’t help yourself you selfish rotten child.
“I…” Your throat contracts and you gasp and seep in another breath just enough to keep talking just enough to keep ruining it. “I know you’ll try to say that you love me at the end of this. Well, you’re not going to now,” hysterical laughter bleeds into your words. “But you were, every time you were. You told me how you wanted to know more about me, wanted to talk with me more, laugh with me more.” And now you’re laughing and talking, only you, how delightful, you miserable idiot. “And every time you would stop and I never, ever took the first step even though I could because… Because… I don’t know! I'm scared? I’d better die than talk about how I feel? I know you won’t love the actual, real me who did this to you, who manipulates your feelings loop after loop just because I want to be loved, to not be forgotten by at least someone?”
You need to breathe so badly the pain in your chest is sharp, and you take a breath, and that’s another mistake in your row of mistakes because now Isa starts talking.
“Siffrin, Sif, stop.” He touches your shoulder, gently, kindly, and still you almost yell, why now, why now out of all the times. “This is a lot…”
“A lot what? A lot to take in? A lot to believe? To accept?” You forget and you turn to him and you look and your voice just dies in your throat.
He looks at you, concerned. Soft. Collected. Nothing of the horrified disgust he should feel. That you feel. The look pins you to the ground like a stake through the gut and you can’t look away anymore.
“A lot for you to go through. How many times have you seen this before?”
You just stare. Your breathing is shallow. Your throat is on fire. You want to cry.
“Do you… Believe me?”
“Of course I do.” He frowns and tightens his hold a bit. It’s grounding. You don’t feel like you’re floating between your skin and air anymore. You haven't even realised that you did. “You’re my friend. Of course i believe you. And you’re shaking. How many times have you seen this?”
Your mind is empty. Thoughts are gone. All you can do is answer what you’re asked.
“This specifically or just…?”
“Just.”
“Sixty two.” Somehow you always know the number. You always remember.
For a second you see horror behind Isa’s eyes. Horror that should be directed at you, not for you. You don’t deserve understanding, you don’t deserve care, you don’t deserve this you don’t deserve this you don’t deserve this you don’t deserve this.
“I kissed you, once.” You say, desperate. Why doesn’t he understand? Why does he look at you like you haven’t been doing this vile thing to him for so long? He startles and you take the opening. “Without asking. In the very beginning of another loop. At the favour tree. And you pushed me away.” Like he should have. Like he always should. Like what he should do now. “And I just… Looped back. I couldn’t bear the consequences of my own actions. Of what I've done to you. I…”
“Siffrin.”
The tone of his voice is enough to shut you up. Like a shake of the shoulders. Like someone pulling your head out of the roaring water.
“Breathe, Sif. Breathing now. Confessing sins later.”
He gives you a small smile, and the stars silver his hair and shoulders like a spotlight, and you can’t look away. So it finally breaks you.
“Why can’t you understand?” You whisper. “Why don’t you understand that you should hate me?”
“Hate you? Yeeesh, Sif. For what?” He laughs under his breath and your heart feels like it’s been slashed.
“...For not treating you like a human being.”
A whisper, nothing more. The words feel like they're crumbling your teeth into pieces. Heartbeat pulses in your throat. Isa’s hand on your shoulder feels impossibly warm.
Isa tilts his head.
“Well, I feel pretty human-being-treated right now, Sif.” He says. “You told me what’s wrong. You told me your worries. You apologised for something you feel sorry for, even though I'm not sure you should. That’s human, Sif. And now we can help you, too!”
We?..
“I’ve never heard of time loops, but I'm sure we can solve it. Mira can save people from being frozen in time, m’dame Odile is the smartest woman i know, and I myself still have a brain and know how to use it. I'm sure we’ll figure it out! Together! And we can talk about all of… other, later. Alright?”
Mira? Odile? Together? Oh no no no no no you messed up enough by letting Isa know and turns out he’s too kind, too good to you, too forgiving, but others? Others will see you for who you are. You can’t let this happen. You need to redo this you’ve already broken this loop beyond repair you need to retry retry retry
“Sif?” Isa’s voice comes like through cotton. “Sif, breathe, please. Breathe with me? Sif? Sif?”
Retry. Go back go back this isn’t salvageable anymore you did it wrong you did it all wrong you have to start over you have to go back go back go back go
“Sif, do you hear me? Sif? Answer me, Sif!”
He’s shaking your shoulder and it’s like your whole arm is on fire but it’s fine
it’s fine
you feel a tug
on your stomach.
…
…
Field again. Sun, this time. Morning. Birds sing. Piou piou, they say in Dormont.
Wow, Siffrin. This was awful. Absolutely pathetic. You can almost hear Loop laughing in your head, and they would be right to do so. Got your little breakdown? Did you have fun? Was it worth it, seeing his distraught face? Making him worry for you?
Get a hold of yourself. Don’t mess up this time. Follow the blinding script.
Get up, Siffrin. You have a country to save.