Chapter Text
“One could argue that the five stages of grief could apply to falling in love with someone you’re forbidden to love in more ways than one. Denial that you even fell in love with that man, anger at yourself for daring to fall in love, bargaining to be in love with someone different, maybe a pretty girl or something, and depression from beating yourself up for being so shamefully in love with him. Acceptance could go one way or another; you could accept that you love him, be comfortable with yourself and maybe ask him out, or you could accept that you’re a shameful person, ostracized from society and never ever being happy. Acceptance is your choice, follow your heart.”
Those words from my mother never left my head, no matter how much I tried to distract myself from them.
She had to be wrong, she just had to be! I couldn’t possibly be in love with a soc, a guy soc at that! God, it was wrong, so wrong.
Though she had taught me that I could love whoever I wanted as long as I treated them right, but, there was this lingering feeling that being in love with a boy was just not right, it was shameful, sinful, downright evil.
As I laid on my bed, the TV in my room blaring static since I had lost the channel it was on, it was better than complete silence I guess. A barely lit cigarette hung from my index and middle finger as my other arm was used as a cushion for my head. I took a long drag from the cancer stick, exhaling slowly.
My mind began to race. How did I even begin thinking that dating someone of the same gender was wrong? A few of my closest guy friends had boyfriends and I didn’t care, matter of fact, I was happy for them. So, why was it so hard for me to admit that I–
No, no, I don’t like boys. I don’t like boys like I like girls. I liked blonde ladies, not blonde men.
But, God, Markus was beautiful, I’ll admit that.
His green upturned eyes looked just like emeralds in the right light, especially in the moonlight (God, he looked beautiful at the school prom, too bad I wasn’t the one dancing with him). His long, wavy blonde hair that fit so well on him that you wouldn’t even know he bleached it so he accidentally fit the California stereotype.
Same goes for his sun-tanned skin (which just pushed him further into the stereotype), I loved his outdoorsy personality, he always wanted to be outside, doing something. And his body, I took a deep breath, exhaling with a whistle, his body was amazing. Not in a gay way though, I just appreciated how he kept himself fit and skinny.
He was the prime example of Adonis. I might sound crazy for saying that but he was honestly the prettiest boy I have ever met.
I sat up in my bed, stubbing out my unfinished cig on the left side of my bedpost like I always did. There was a black spot now instead of polished oak wood from the burn of the cigarette, ashes around the outside of it.
Pushing myself off the bed, the wood creaked with each step I took to get to my closet. I grabbed my jacket, pulling it on and flipping up the collar before stepping into my boots, not bothering to tie them up before crawling out of my window.
“Be careful!” my mom called out from her room, it was right next to mine so she heard everything I did, damn the thin walls. I chuckled to myself as I landed feet-first on the soft grass below, looking around to get my bearings before starting my way towards Darry’s house. Maybe being with some friends would clear my mind.
I knew Darry had the day off (surprisingly) and so did Steve and Sodapop, so everyone would be there, thankfully. The cold grass crunched under my shoes as I walked to their house, my hands in my jacket pockets so they could stay warm.
The silence in the air had me thinking about that pretty California boy again.
No, stop it, I thought, he’s off limits, he’s already got a boyfriend.
But even as I told myself that, I felt a pang of jealousy stab my heart. I felt like I should’ve been the one in Markus’ arms, protecting him, loving him…
No, no! Stop it Two-Bit, I thought, remember Katie, that cute blonde you met the other day, you’re supposed to go on a date with her, think about her instead!
Katie… Katie… Katie… God, why couldn’t my mind stick with her?! She was pretty too, with her brown eyes… or were they blue? No, they were grey. No, hazel.
I couldn’t remember. For the life of me I couldn’t remember.
Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Darry’s house. My constant mental rambling made time go faster than I thought.
Taking a deep breath and putting on a goofy smile, I burst into the house, hearing the door slam against the wall as I did.
“Damnit, Two-Bit!” Darry yelled from his chair, tossing down his newspaper in frustration. “One of these days you’re gonna throw that poor door off its hinges!”
I shrugged, closing the door behind me and taking off my boots haphazardly by the couch as I made my way to the kitchen to steal some food. That’s where I saw Ponyboy and Sodapop cleaning some dishes.
“Hey Horseman, hey Soft Drink.” I teased, absentmindedly rummaging around their fridge, trying to find something to eat. I could feel Pony roll his eyes at me and hear Sodapop snicker a bit.
“Why are you here, Two-Bit?” Pony asked, wiping his damp hands on a kitchen towel that was hanging off a chair. “You usually don’t come around this late.”
“Is it a crime to visit my friends now?” I chuckled as I popped open the tab on one of Pony’s Pepsi sodas. “Speaking of such, where’s Steve?”
“He’s sleeping in my room right now.” Soda answered and Ponyboy wasn’t happy about this information. “He’ll be up soon.”
“Speak of the Devil.” Ponyboy muttered as he nodded towards a disheveled Steve walking out of Soda and Pony’s shared room.
Steve’s hair was all over the place, well, more than it usually was. His clothes were wrinkled and he looked around in a daze, like he had just come back from an alien abduction or something.
“Wow, Stevie.” I whistled, stifling a laugh. “You must’ve slept good.”
“I snuck Allan into the room, I always sleep well when I hold him.” He mumbled tiredly, maybe he wasn’t supposed to say that because Darry glared at him but didn’t say anything.
“Stop sneaking around with your boyfriend, you know we don’t hate him.” Soda pouted, playfully hitting Steve with the towel he snatched from Pony.
“Yeah, well, he’s still afraid of you guys, especially Darry.” Steve defended. He was always defending Allan for one reason or another.
Then, I got an idea.
“Steve, can I talk to you outside for a moment?” I asked, sounding uncharacteristically serious, which surprised everyone.
After getting over his initial shock, Steve nodded and led me outside onto the porch. “What do you wanna talk about?”
I took a sip of my Pepsi. “You thought dating guys was a sin at one point, right?” I asked, then felt guilty for reminding him of when he hurt his brother.
He looked down at the ground, closing his eyes for a moment to get rid of those memories. “I did.” he whispered, sounding ashamed.
“How did you get over that?”
“Why? You got a crush on a guy?”
I knew he was just teasing but for some reason, that question pissed me off.
“What? No! Of course not!” I yelled, slamming my soda onto the railing of the porch and making Steve flinch.
“I was teasing man, settle down!” Steve yelled back. He never took anything from anyone. If you yelled at him, he yelled back.
“Can’t I just be curious about your story?!”
“This is because of that damn soc you keep staring at, isn’t it? That Rockefeller boy!”
Damn, had I really been that obvious?
“No! Why would I ever have a crush on a soc guy?!” I lied. I knew my friends would kill me if they knew that I even thought about liking a soc. No matter if it was a guy or not.
“Stop lying!” Steve yelled again, stepping closer.
“I’m not!” I stepped closer as well.
“Then why are you getting so defensive?!”
I stopped. He was right, I wouldn’t be so defensive if I… I…
“Fuck you, Randle!” I screamed in his face before storming off.
God, what was wrong with me?
That blonde boy was gonna ruin my life.