Archive of Our Own

swapping positions until he found the comfortable one to weep, jun kept thinking about everything that went wrong. blue light covering the room, as the window plane was open; curtains flushed. reflecting his feelings inside, the sorrow blue gleam lightened his face brighter.

i shouldn't have done all of that, thoughts blaming his own self lingering all over him. it basically haunted him; the fact that everybody thinks he's the wrong guy- haunted him. does having feelings make you this miserable? does it wrong you this bad?

never in his nightmares did he imagine he'd fall for po; that wasn't even on his plan. time passed by like a flash to him. he quite didn't realise when those settled glares that he threw to thame and po in the thought of something else, turned out to be nothing but pure jealousy. oh, trust him when he says he hated himself for that. he hated him for having feelings; undeniable feelings that he begged to be thrown out of his body. he didn't want any of that.

the thought of po made his heart feel lighter; was that wrong too? was being happy to meet someone and eagerly wait for them, wrong too? was he wrong when he planned out those tactics to separate thame from po. at first, it was the mere thought of protecting thame from the harm that'd leave him reckless. he knew the sequence of thame and po falling for each other would lead to a lot of downfalls, including po's. at least, he was that good to not let this happen.

behind his tough outlook and a quirk smirk that he puts off before any incoming trouble, he was a miserable man. he craved the affection that thame was getting; from none other than po. he wanted to be taught the ways of love. the feeling of being loved. the thought of someone loving you no matter how bad you make yourself to be in front of them- the thought of someone loving you unconditionally.

po came easily to jun. in a rush, jun felt shivers down his spine whenever he was near him. the sudden urge to grab him and take him away from thame was so severe. but the cruelty of friendship that'd be broken- was like a slap at all those urges. he would never want to hurt thame-never.

"forgetting about it, is the best way to cope, i guess", he muttered to himself under his bed before tugging in his blanket. it took him minutes before he felt sleep covering his eyes, along with the dry tears.

passed few hours; still deep in sleep, he felt a sudden pull of blanket. unwilling to open his eyes at that very moment, he heard the voice of someone- someone very familiar.

"sleep well, jun."

the echo of the voice started to fade away- the footsteps did too. that voice; oh, that so-known voice, was so evident to jun that it was almost embarrassing. he knew every inch of it so well.

still struggling to open his eyes, and when he did, he stayed in the exact same spot without moving. it was until he heard the footsteps long gone now, as he looked up at the doorway of his room.

dylan was always one of a kind, at least for jun. he was so pretentious that his presence was almost never noticed. whereas, there were days where he would shine the brightest in the room. unknowingly, dylan was always so known to jun. apart from reading his face like a book, jun was always seen engaging in silly fights with dylan. it was rather fun to the two. but ironically, deep down, both were cautious about how badly they knew each other so well.

days like these, when jun was wronged by so many, it was always dylan secretly comforting jun in his own ways. sometimes it was a simple sleep well and sometimes an eye contact was enough for jun to leave a deep and relieved sigh. it was almost sad how they knew each other's footsteps so damn well but could never bring themselves up for a heart-to-heart talk. that shit scared the both of them.

jun left a deep sigh and tugged himself deeper into the blanket. he felt sure that now he'll have at least one person to talk to.

                                  ___________

the morning wasn't as bright as those days when jun would be so excited to get ready and chase po. today, it was rather gloomy and quite. his heart didn't beat like it usually did at the thought of living another day to meet that one person. with enough struggle, he pulled himself from his bed and stared for a few minutes, at the big window plane in front of him. outside it was sunny, unlike what he felt inside.

he got freshen up and made his way towards the living room. he remembers waking up at the exact time when he'd usually have breakfast with the rest of the group. but, this time, the utter noise of boys talking was nowhere to be heard.

he walked towards the dining table and found no one. hands sweating in the shelter of his pocket now as he felt his heart shrink down. that was quite knowingly, a valid hint that none of his bandmates wanted to see his face.

suddenly, he heard the sound of dishes tingling. hoping for that one person to be present, he turned out to see the exact person he wished for.

"come have breakfast", dylan spoke out before grabbing the plate filled with two sandwich and an orange juice in his other hand, towards the dining table. he was now standing beside jun, placing down the items in the table. he avoided to look at jun, for some reason that was so clear to jun.

"sorry i couldn't make anything. so, i just ordered sandwiches", still looking anywhere but at jun, dylan stepped backwards and headed to the sofa. he sat down with a diary and a pen that filled his hands now.

"why are you still here?"

that made dylan stop whatever he was doing and look up at jun. the tall and dark haired guy was staring deep into his soul. the question that left the space felt too personal for dylan to answer. he didn't want to. after all, it'll just make things worse than it already is.

"i just happened to wake up late. i couldn't catch the others" - a straight up lie.

jun left the dining space and walked towards the sofa where the grey haired boy seemed to be relaxing. eyes never leaving the contact, and when he reached, he let his knees go weak on him and squirt down. holding the peak of both dylan's hands now, he watched the other guy with confusion fuming his face.

"i'm so sorry, dylan." those words- those exact words which dylan was dying to hear, finally came out of jun's mouth. but to his surprise, it didn't make dylan as happy as he thought he'd get when this moment arrived. right now, he could feel dark grey clouds hovering the both of them.

"i'm so sorry for using you. trust me, i never meant to. and i dont even know why i'm apologising, i have no right to do this. i have no right to call you mine. but it just hurts- it hurts so fucking bad when you're near."

dylan heard jun sob- for the very first time. and it wasn't a pleasant sight to see, it was devastating. dylan felt the need to cup his face into his palms and calm him down, but then again, he had no right to do so.

jun and dylan have been hooking up for quite a while now. it was never serious for jun. he never thought of it more than a way of just pure pleasure. few month ago, he found himself wobbly attracted towards dylan, making up his mind that it was just lust, he let himself on his own ways. he suggested the idea of friends with benefits to dylan.

nevertheless, he never thought dylan would agree to it but days after the proposal, he watched dylan hovering over his lap on the sofa, late at night, when they'd agree to binge watch marvels. the movie was stopped at the least thirty minutes, when he heard the guy on the lap whisper.

"we have to be secretive about it, are you still in?"

then started their never ending sagas of pulling each other into any dark covered area that they could find. with hours and hours of making out and pushing their bodies to the friction of each other, they would usually pull apart when they'd hear footsteps of the others approaching.

it felt fun and games for the both of them, quite exciting to be honest. exciting when they'd find themselves on top of each other pestering kisses and neck bites all over.

months later, and jun found himself getting addicted to the thought of dylan being his friend with benefit. it weirdly made him chuckle at 2am in the morning. never did he think about the long ass speech that he was supposed to give when the others find out about it; nor did dylan. that was until po entered the scene and made jun forget everything he ever had with dylan.

it was all so new for dylan. the person he'd been dreaming about suddenly refers him to be his friend with benefit; how cool is that. at first, it felt like a filthy idea and none of it seemed real. it took him hours to figure out if jun was pulling up with a really weird prank. but jun was serious- so damn serious that it scared dylan.

it was not supposed to go this way. dylan was supposed to make jun fall in love with him; to make his crush like him back was his ultimate plan just like any other school girl. but when it all went wrong, dylan couldn't find himself to think straight again. he thought of the various ways he could get jun to himself, to touch him, to kiss him, to make him laugh- everything that he'd been dreaming about.

the only path that represented a ray of light for him was to accept jun's proposal. he didn't know himself anymore. he felt himself growing greedier under every touch of jun. he wanted more- he wanted jun all to himself.

he questioned himself every night but still willingly followed jun to every "come to the backside" message. the thought of himself begging for jun, disgusted him.

dylan still remembers the day when he watched jun's eyes shine at the sight of po. it felt like a brick inside his heart, his head felt heavy and his knees went weak. he knew those signs so damn well. in fact, that was exactly how he looked like when he saw jun playing at the game centre. he could swear he saw butterflies flying everywhere and stars twinkling above his head as he watched jun make the biggest smile ever.

days turned to weeks, and there was no message of jun asking dylan to come bang him. dylan guessed it was the presence of po that left a distance between the two of them now. and the real pain was that dylan knew of no way on how he could fill this distance again. he felt empty inside, he craved for jun. watching each day, the shine in jun's eyes getting brighter and brighter each time he looked at po. now, comparing it to the faded, dull look that he gave to dylan.

right now, this was jun crouching on his knees pleading to dylan as an apology- the reason being so unclear to him.

"i feel wronged but the person i've wronged the most is you, dylan. i dont know what i'd do if you weren't always here with me. and i used you- i fucking used you." sobs filled the room as jun held his head down muffing in between seconds.

dylan did what his mind told him and cupped jun's face in his palms. he made jun look up to him; as an assurance that nothing went wrong and everything is going to be alright.

"you have no right to apologise to me, jun. we were nothing to each other. you loved po and i was- i was just never there, okay?", he tried his best to not sound hurt and gulped between few words.

"you were always right beside me."

dylan couldn't even deny that. yes, he was- he was always beside jun. he always kept an eye over him. and he was damn sure, jun always knew about that.

"whatever's done is done, alright? you are hurt and it's because of something else. don't make yourself feel worse thinking about me. i dont feel bad, really." oh, fuck, he wished he could at least learn to lie. because the sad expression in his eyes definitely said otherwise.

"i feel so bad, dylan. nothing matters to me right now, i just want you to feel safe with me."

jun tried all his way to forget about dylan whenever he was with po. going to places and shopping with po, only to go over things and think, dylan would love this, did not make things better. he felt a hole in his heart when thame confronted him about getting in between him and po. he cared about nothing but to go home and explain everything dylan. none of it mattered to him, he just wanted to clear himself out to him.

"i already do- i already feel safe with you."

dylan hugged jun when he felt his sobs getting louder and louder. they just wouldn't stop. next thing jun knew, he was pulled up on the sofa seat beside dylan; hands still colliding. dylan deepened the hug when he felt sniffs down his neck where jun's face was cooped at. he placed his hands light, ruffling jun's hair a bit, as he comforted him.

"i'm sorry- i'm so sorry."

"it's okay. it's not your fault."

jun felt like a cheater, even thought he practically was not one. he felt so fucking guilty over the fact that he chased over another person when someone so familiar to him was always so near.

"only if i loved you, maybe it wouldn't have hurt this bad."