Archive of Our Own

“Igor, you have the highest number, you start!”

Svetlana nudges on Kirschenbaum, who seems a bit confused, frowning with his eyes only half open. Doing his best to follow the situation in the room.

“Oh, that kid just can’t handle his alcohol, can he?”

Sitnikov is half joking half concerned.

“Start? Ah, never have I ever, huh?”

“Indeed.” Said Sasha. He takes another sip of the cognac in his hand. He sits by one side of the couch. It’s meant for three people but now four of them squeezed in. Next to him is the confused Kirschenbaum and then infirmary doctor Svetlana, and then Tanya, she works for the night shift in reactor 3, Sasha trained her when she came to the power plant. To Sasha’s right hand side there is a comfy armchair, looks like the one it’s owner would sit on to read. In fact Leonid did drag it from beside the bookshelf. And then two more armchairs from the dining table with Sitnikov and Stolyarchuk occupied one each. Inside the circle is a blue- gray couch table, now a few empty beer bottles are standing on it, along with some chocolate, a plate of snacks, a half empty bottle of vodka and a newly opened bottle of cognac.

It’s Sasha’s moving in party. The apartment is more or less furnished with the most necessary furnitures. Neat, clean. The only thing reflects some of the tenant’s personality is the huge bookshelf. Stuffed with professional manuals, textbooks, and also a big part of it is about war history, and surprisingly some poetry.

Most guests have already left. The gifts they brought are stack in the corner between the living room and balcony. Sasha opened some, and the others are still wrapped. But some of them you can guess from the shape. A vinyl, a bottle of wine maybe, and there is a box that is fairly big but seemed light in weight.

It would be nice if it was a toaster. Leonid thinks. Sasha’s place can use a toaster.

Oh! But he has a built-in oven now. chuckled lightly, Leonid finished the last quarter of his beer in one swig.

His sight moves from the gifts to the balcony. The door is open and curtains pulled to the side. It is a small but lovely balcony, especially when it’s on the ninth floor and facing south. Tiled, there are two small outdoor chairs and a coffee table on it. People have been smoking cigarettes there today, there is an ashtray that’s half full with cigarette butts. The late spring night breeze passes the white sheer curtains, cools down the heat brought up by alcohol.

“Okay. Never… never have I ever… hmm… had wild strawberries.”

Kirschenbaum started. People seem to be somewhat surprised by his choice.

How innocent. But efficient. Because everyone else drinks. Apparently not have had wild strawberries is rare if you have ever been to the wild.

“You have never gone hiking or something?” Asks Stolyarchuk.

“I have.”

“So you are allergic to strawberries.”

“No I’m not. I made Anna the strawberry cake! Last week! We had it together!”

“Then why??”

“How old is your niece again?” Asks Tanya.

“Two.”

“Can two-year-old already eat strawberry cake?” She has limited experience with kids.

Kirschenbaum has never thought about that question ever.

Why haven’t I ever had wild strawberries?

“OH!” He sits up smiling. “Never have I ever been asked why I have never had wil……”

He didn’t manage to finish it, Svetlana swiftly covers his mouth and pushes him back.

“Stop, kid, you are not gonna get us all drink twice, with some wild strawberries.”

“I’m not kid.” Mumbles Kirschenbaum.

“Sure, sure.” Svetlana sounds rather more patronizing. Making the young man feel even more like being treated as a kid. “Sasha, your turn.”

“Well, never have I ever… spoke Finnish? Wait, that’s a bad idea, let’s not go down that track.”

“True.” Says Sitnikov. “Otherwise we can just skip drinking. How many languages are there in the world?”

“Up to 7000.”

“Sasha! How can you know these stuff???”

Leonid complains.

“I can very well be guessing.” Sasha smiled.

Leonid shakes his head. Based on what he knows about Sasha, he’s probably not just guessing.

Sometimes it does feel he’s too good for… never mind.

“Never have I ever skinny-dipped.”

“Wait, Sasha, never? Even I have done that when I was a kid. And I’m a girl!” Tanya is surprised.

“What can you say, huh? Sasha does…”Sitnikov waves his hand as cue.

“Everything right!” Everyone joins Sitnikov to finish that sentence.

Do everything right? Sasha laughed and looks aside, quickly glances at Leonid, who poured himself a shot of vodka and is drinking with all the others.

So Leonid has done that before. Jumping into the water, naked. Sasha finds himself wondering when did that happen.

Naked Leonid. Yeah, he’s skinny, poor thing. His shoulder blades, spine, ribs, all clear to see. And his collarbones form the fossae above, the skin there is so soft…

Stop!

“Anyone wants coffee? I believe I received a bag of ground coffee today.” To press down that inappropriate thought, Sasha starts another topic.

“It’s almost midnight, Sasha. Who drinks coffee at midnight?” Kirschenbaum looks at Sasha, wide-eyed.

“We do, you dummy! And we do lot! At work!” Stolyarchuk is the one getting everyone coffee at work usually.

“But we are not working now, Boris.”

“Well, no one drinks coffee at midnight, unless, it’s with cognac.” Sasha grins and slowly blinks at Leonid.

Leonid finds his heart missed one beat. He finds that every time when Sasha smiles and blinks slowly, at him usually. It doesn’t happen that much, after all Sasha is Sasha, calm, kind, steady. But when it happens, it’s like they formed a small alliance. Well, against their mean boss, most of the times. The feeling of exclusive is nice. It feels they are closer than others.

Exclusive.

This is one thing Leonid doesn’t allow himself to think about.

Everyone immediately agrees coffee with cognac is welcomed at any moment of the day.

Sasha stands up to go make coffee, Kirschenbaum goes for the bathroom. The girls starts a small discussion about Tanya’s boyfriend Daniil and how serious they are into the relationship. Before Stolyarchuk and Sitnikov grab him into their chat about the football match yesterday, Leonid decides to follow Sasha to the kitchen.

Sasha has prepared a French press. He quickly filled his small kettle with some water and turned on the stove. That’s when Leonid comes in and helps sorting the used dishes and cutleries.

He sorted the dishes in the morning last time.

Sasha has to force himself stop thinking about that morning Leonid helped with dishes, and what happened the night before.

“A French press. Is it new? Never seen it before.”

Startled, Sasha turns his head slightly towards him and gives him a look from the corner of his eyes.

Oh, he looks alert. Leonid’s chest feels tight and his mouth dry.

“It’s not a crime, you know, that I’ve been to your place before.” Leonid is a bit irritated, lowered his voice.

Sasha repositions himself facing Leonid, with his left hand propping on the kitchen counter. Looking into his eyes,

“No, not like that, I was just thinking about other things.” He’s talking in low voice as well.

“Sure.” Leonid answered drily.

For a moment they just stand in the kitchen, quietly, staring at the kettle, submerge in their own thoughts. Leonid leans on the fridge, on its door there is the magnet he bought Sasha for new year. It’s a clay magnet, vaguely portrayed the painting, wanderer above the sea of fog. He didn’t know if Sasha liked this painting or not when he bought it, but that man standing on the mountain top alone, turning his back towards the rear of the world, that’s the feeling Sasha often gives him, then and still.

Sasha opened his new year’s gift immediately when receiving it and recognized the painting. He said he liked it a lot, thanked Leonid and gave him a warm and tight hug, wishing him a happy holiday.

“Happy new year to you too, Sasha.”

I hope you look less… alone, this year. He didn’t dare to say it out loud. Too busy with his own thoughts, he also didn’t notice the hug was just a bit too long for only between friends.

Leonid takes that magnet off from the fridge door, surveying, rubbing his thumb on it involuntarily. And sounds casually,

“I thought you would not bring this with you.”

The plan of sounding casually didn’t really work, instead he sounds a little bitter.

“Of course I take it with me.” Sasha is a bit surprised. He is pouring the hot water into the French press. The pleasant smell of coffee spreads. “I like it.”

Yes, indeed, it’s because “I like it”, not because “It’s from you”.

Leonid doesn’t say anything but let out an “um” and nods. The compressor of the fridge starts working again, making a buzzing noise, his “um” is lost in the background buzz. Sasha puts down the kettle, close the lid of the press and looks at his watch,

“A quarter past midnight. So it’ll be ready at 23 past midnight.” He’s more likely talking to himself than to Leonid.

Then Sasha turned back and takes a step to Leonid, takes the magnet from his hand. His fingers brush over Leonid’s, and stayed.

Sasha is holding his hand. And his heart is beating like crazy.

Leonid quickly cocks his head and looks over Sasha, to see if anyone noticed. The people in the living room are still very into their chats, no one is looking at them.

Leonid looks back at Sasha, blushing.

“Are you mad at me?”

Sasha asks him, in almost a whisper. They are standing so close, he can feel Sasha’s breath on his cheek, making the hair on his neck stands. Sasha’s eyes are so beautiful. His voice so tender. His hand is holding softly.

Sasha has steady hands, that balance a nuclear reactor. He has a small mole on his right hand ring finger, not noticeable unless you look closely. Now his right hand is holding Leonid’s, makes him wanna lift it to the bright light, and touch that small mole.

That’s one thing I know about you, but no one else here knows.

“No. Let’s go back. I’ll take the coffee.”

Leonid takes back his hand and walks away.

“I’ll bring the cups.” Sasha puts the magnet back on the fridge door.

Back to the living room, Leonid finds he has lost the armchair. Back from the bathroom, Kirschenbaum decided the armchair is way more comfortable than squeezing on the couch.

“Finders keepers!” Kirschenbaum is a bit smirky as the armchair conqueror.

This leaves Leonid no choice but sitting on the couch. He takes Sasha’s spot. The latter comes with coffee cups and realized he must squeeze between two people now. Sasha gives Leonid a helpless smile and sits down. Being a gentleman, he chooses to sit closer to Leonid. His thigh presses on Leonid’s.

Warm, and tingly.

Sasha can feel Leonid is suddenly tensed. Not too surprising, because he is tensed too. His leg is touching Leonid’s. This realization rapidly makes his breath tremble. He feels his right hand is having a tingling and numb sensation, that spreads upwards to his arm, his shoulder, to his heart.

It hurts. It hurts to be so close to Leonid, but not able to just grab his hand and kiss him.

When did it become like this?

Without realizing it, Sasha turns to the right side and looks at Leonid. Finds Leonid looking at him too. Then that second just becomes infinite. Like the first time, when Leonid reached out and held his hand in that cold night. He looked at him, and dived into the blue ocean in his eyes.

It was a cold early February night. It was supposed to be their day off, but they got stuck in a century-long meeting. When they finally climbed out from that conference room, the last bus was long gone.

“A night time walk then, Lenya. Ready?”

“A little coldness never hurts anybody!”

They wrapped themselves well with the scarf, then realized they both forgot to bring gloves.

“It’s gonna be interesting.”

It was not as cold as it seemed, they both felt relieved stepping outside the power plant. The snow from the daytime has stopped, sky is crystal clear with countless stars. Prypiat is only a few kilometers away, with no sign of any activities. It already passed midnight, almost everyone is sleeping. Only a few windows are bright with warm light. The sound of their boots pressing into the snow is crunchy and soothing. For a short while, there is no other sound but their steps and breath.

“Haha Sasha! You have crystal mustache!”

The warm air exhaled frosted on Sasha’s mustache. He lifted a hand, roughly wiped with the back of it and laughed out loud.

Dazzling, when he laughs. Leonid was blinded in that warm laughter. He couldn’t help but reach out for that warmth.

Suddenly Sasha’s hand hit Leonid’s on it’s way back down, and was held.

Someone must have grabbed his heart, because Sasha believed it simply stoped beating and he cannot breath.

Leonid stared into his eyes. His smile slowly faded away, he looked serious but also glowing. Sasha doesn’t understand how can his eyes glitter as if there are diamonds floating inside.

“Lenya…”

Or am I floating in these eyes?

“Sasha…”

Sasha suddenly has this epiphany,

I will kiss him.

A gentle pull and they were standing too close. Leonid’s eyes are wide open, gazing into Sasha’s deep blue eyes. He looks nervous. Sasha thinks.

“Lenya… I…”

The ground is no longer solid. The winter road links a nuclear power plant and its satellite town is gone. He’s back on that small boat his family rented on vacation again. Everyone was swimming in the Baltic, he stood on the boat to make sure it doesn’t hit the cliff of that small island beside. Wave pushed him forward, and forward, and forward. So close, he can touch the steep rock with his hands.

Their lips met. Then they were both on that little boat, facing the cliff in waves. A trembling hand reached up, holding on to Sasha’s jacket. Leonid had to grab something, he felt lightheaded, surreal, if he didn’t anchor himself on Sasha, he would fly away, like a balloon.

That bit of a pulling strength deepened the kiss. They parted for air, and caught each others’ lips again, and again.

Everything happened rather fast from that moment on. On their way back to Sasha’s place, they stopped for kisses. Once entered his warm room, all the clothes were quickly abandoned. Sasha closed his eyes, saw the most beautiful firework in the sky.

All the tides rising up will eventually go down.

It’s not safe, it’s irresponsible, it’s not even right.

It shouldn’t be this way.

This is wrong. This won’t work. This will hurt us.

Sasha wonders what would Leonid think of him, when this thing is over, when he realizes Sasha simply took advantage of his trust.

He’s going to regret it. He trusted me as his mentor, and I took him to my bed.

Why did it become like this?

Because of his eyes? They are clear, poised. Or simply because of him, him being Leonid, brave, honest. It feels so right, to hold him, to kiss him, everything. Why does something feel so right has to be wrong?

“Should we start? Sasha?”

Sitnikov is wondering if they will start the game again. He has already poured everyone a big shot of vodka.

“Yes! The game. Whose turn now?”

“My turn.” Leonid answers.

Sasha feels some tightness in his chest. What is he gonna say?

“Never have I ever kissed a girl.”

“Leonid?!?!?!” Almost everyone is kind of shouting at him.

“Leonid, wait! You are a virgin?” Stolyarchuk’s eyes are twice as big now.

“No way! Never?” Even Kirschenbaum can’t believe it.

“Well, never.” Answers Leonid, short but clear

Sasha pretended to be surprised and finished his vodka shot, knowing there is a different story.

He has never kissed a girl but he kissed me. He is also not a virgin, because of me.

Didn’t get much time to deepen that thought, Sasha surprisingly finds Svetlana also takes her shot.

“Sveta, you?” Sitnikov is in a mood of a bit gossiping.

“Does Valentyn know?” Tanya is also curious.

Well, who isn’t?

“Leonid, see? Even doctor did!” Igor takes his vodka, and is simply happy he is not the one others use to mock Leonid.

“You have to tell us the story.” Sasha joins.

“Okay, fine. There is not really a story. I was drunk. I believe I was about to kiss Valentyn but it landed on my friend.”

“You believe? So Valentyn saw it?”

“Yes, that was the night we met.”

“God that’s dramatic. Oh Sasha, is the coffee ready?”

Sasha looks at his watch. 24 past midnight. One minute too long. He hasten to give a thumb-up.

People are still laughing and discussing Svetlana’s story, start pouring each other vodka, coffee and cognac. Sasha feels the alcohol is kicking in. That was a big shot of vodka. It’s Tolya’s fault. He’s a bit lightheaded and sweating, with a slight headache but somehow in a better mood. He leans over and whispers to Leonid.

“I know who you kissed.”

This is enough to make Leonid tremor.

“Sasha…” He can only answer with calling his name. I kissed you, Sasha. And I want to kiss you, now.

His eyes are flickering, like the clear blue sea ripples in wind. The calm waves washes over and the gentle force, trying to pull you into the depth.

Stop!

The thought pops into Sasha’s mind, he forces a heavy blink and deep breath, breaks the wavering eye contact. Leonid leans forward to grab his coffee cup, only sees Sitnikov is looking at them.

Fuck! He almost spilled his coffee. Calm down, Leonid, calm the fuck down!

He stabilizes his hand and holds the cup steadily. When he looks up again, Sitnikov is already in another conversation.

“Igor, your turn again.” Sasha reminds Kirschenbaum.

“Why me again?”

“Because you took my seat, maybe?”

“Darn it. But… but I haven’t thought about it.”

“Then be spontaneous!” Suggests Tanya.

“Yes! Quick! I’m already ready with mine!” Stolyarchuk urges Kirschenbaum.

“Fine, I’m thinking. Never… never have I ever… ever… divorced?”

Silence.

And something is flying from Svetlana to Kirschenbaum.

That hazelnut lands accurately on Kirschenbaum’s forehead, makes him “Ah!” and leaves a red mark instantly.

“You shut up from now on!” Svetlana is shooting daggers at Kirschenbaum.

“It’s fine. It’s not a secret.” Sasha says before takes his vodka shot.

“Sasha, slow down.” Leonid Sounds concerned. He has never seen Sasha drinking this much, or this fast rather. He can handle his alcohol, but drinking like this will get you intoxicated, no matter who you are.

“Don’t worry.” Sasha gives him a warm smile and pat his knee. Leonid feels blinded by the soft light in his eyes.

Sasha is blushing, from the vodka maybe. And his eyes are not precisely focusing on anything anymore. He has taken off his glasses to wipe with the corner of his shirt. Then he must be somewhat tipsy at least. Sasha never wipes his glasses with his shirt.

Sasha’s cheeks are pink, Sasha’s eyes nude, Sasha’s breath heavy… just like the Sasha that only he has seen. Sasha… Sasha…

He wants to kiss him, on his lips, his eyes, his earlobes, all over him, just to see that unguarded Sasha again.

And again.

And again…

Well, I must be somewhat intoxicated too.

“But I didn’t know he’s divorced…” Kirschenbaum is still mumbling.

“Can you shut up or not!!” Svetlana is for real getting mad.

“It’s fine, really.” Sasha turns to Igor, “I was once married to Valentyn’s colleague. It didn’t work out.”

Svetlana casts a glance at Sasha. Igor noticed.

“What, doctor?”

“Nothing.” She looks away, semi annoyed.

“Sveta, it’s fine. Let’s just forget about it.”

“Then why don’t you marry again?!”

“Sveta—”Sitnikov interrupts the conversation, calmly but determined “It’s Sasha’s own business.”

Everyone else is more or less confused, and curious of course, yet doesn’t dare to ask. Yes, it is not a secret that Sasha is divorced, but no one really talks about it. You simply don’t gossip about Sasha, the friendly, caring, but also vaguely distant Sasha.

“Sorry, I was… I don’t know… I…”

“I told you, it’s Okay.” Sasha warps his left arm around Svetlana’s shoulder, gives her a reassuring squeeze.

“Um… I think it’s my turn?” Stolyarchuk is doing his best to change the topic.

“Yes! Your turn.” Leonid confirms it.

“OK. Never have I ever…” Boris lifts one finger, giving a dramatically knowing, serious cue and looks at Leonid, the latter gives a drum roll on the couch table. Teaspoons and cups are clinging on each other, making the crispy vibrating sound. “… run out of paper while using toilet.”

“Hahahahahahahahahaha Boris!!”

“No!! Boris!!”

“Shut up! Hahahaha!!!”

Everyone bursts into hysterical laughter.

“Boris, please!!!” Tanya wipes her tear and points at Stolyarchuk, still can’t say anything from laughing.

“Drink! Everyone! I know you all have!”

“How can you be so sure?” Leonid asks.

“I would not be so sure if it was Sasha asking. But now I’m even more sure. Drink!”

Everyone drinks. As Stolyarchuk predicted.

“How do you manage that? Always have paper?” Tanya asks the question everyone is curious about.

“I LOVE to hoard toilet paper.” Stolyarchuk gives everyone an exaggerated face.

Leonid laughs so hard that his stomach aches and can’t keep his balance. He’s leaning on Sasha and his face half buried on his shoulder. Sasha’s hand goes around and rests on his shoulder blade.

Warm, and tingly.

This time he doesn’t see the knowing smile Sitnikov didn’t manage to hide behind his mustache. But Sasha sees it.

Hmm… Someone’s hot for teacher. Sitnikov raises his eyebrows.

Sasha chuckles and rolls his eyes at Sitnikov jokingly. Leonid’s hair is brushing against his neck. Itchy. Sasha tilts his head to gently stroke on Leonid’s hair, before he taps on his shoulder and Leonid sits back, still giggling.

“Tolya, I believe it’s your turn.” Sasha lifts his chin at Sitnikov.

“I think so too. Let’s see, hmm, never have I ever had a crush on someone in this room.”

Now both Sasha and Leonid are shooting daggers at Sitnikov. If eyesight can kill, Sitnikov would have been so so dead.

But you can’t kill me with your eyes, what a pity! Sitnikov is smiling slyly, looking back and forth between the two.

Shit.

“Everyone who should drink, please drink now.”

Tanya drinks.

“I believe it is story time.” Sasha is working hard on redirecting Sitnikov’s attention.

“Hmm, story time? It was you, Sasha.”

Oops…

“Oh… let’s say I didn’t ask.” Sasha looks a bit uncomfortable, his eyes flickering around to avoid looking at Tanya, still, he tries very hard not to look back at Leonid either.

“It was only for two days.” Tanya, on the other hand, continues sharing,

“I think it was back to the spring when I was still getting my on job training from you.”

Sasha takes a deep breath and shakes his head. Hopeless, this situation is just hopeless. Part of him wants to interrupt and ask everyone,

“Wait, wait, isn’t this supposed to be MY moving in party? Why are all the conversations just spins out of my control?”

Ah, he asked out.

“They are all about you, Sasha.” Svetlana points out and pats Sasha’s head.

“Please continue, Tanya.” Leonid jumps in. The interrupted story is like a light feather, brushes on his heart, makes him itchy to know more. More about how Sasha charmed her, to be precise.

“Not that much more actually, it was only two days.”

“Mmm-Mmm.” Stolyarchuk lifts up his left hand and swings the index finger, “You are not going to sneak away now, tell us everything about everything.”

People nod.

“It’s his eyes. Don’t you guys think he has pretty eyes?”

“But his eyes didn’t change. What made you give up two days later?”

“What can I say? I was surrounded by young men. Simply had too many choices.”

“Well, to conclude, someone’s hot for teacher.” Sitnikov doesn’t really want to let go of the two, still gazing at Sasha.

Leonid agrees with Tanya. Sasha has very beautiful eyes. Perfectly shaped, deep blue, almost fluffy eyelashes. He looks at you as if promising you a wonderland. Actually, often Leonid can’t help staring at those eyes. They are good compliments to his face. Without his eyes being so bright and tender, he would look way too serious. Now there is a delicate balance of solemn and vivacious.

Leonid is a bit jealous that Tanya can just tell everyone about her crush. But he cannot. He really just wants to grab Sasha and tells him,

I feel too much for you. It’s not only about sex, not now, not ever.

Too bad, Sasha wouldn’t want to know this. He painfully remembers when Sasha told him,

“Let’s keep this casual, Okay?”

Leonid scratches his nose and then rubs his eyes. It’s getting late, but he doesn’t want to leave. He cannot look out his window and see the light from Sasha’s window anymore. He wants to stay, tonight. He wants to share the new bed with Sasha, wants to be held in his arms, wants to wake up together in the morning. Only he shouldn’t want that.

Let’s keep it casual then, Sasha, as you wish.

I’m drunk. I have to be. Leonid picks up the vodka bottle, pours himself another shot. Next thing he realizes is him swallowing the alcohol. With a thud, he puts down the shot glass on the couch table. Weirdly, all the six other people are staring at him now, with question marks painted on their faces. Alcohol kicks in particularly fast for him, Leonid’s brain is slowing down, he can even hear the squeak it’s making.

“Do I have anything on my face?”

If not a huge question mark too.

“No. but what are you drinking for? Having a crush on someone?”

His heart is pounding so heavily, Leonid thinks others may hear it. For a split second, he feels he’s caught thinking about Sasha.

“No, no one. Just want to drink.”

Sasha gives him a glimpse.

He said “No one”.

Of course he says no one, what are you expecting?

Leonid’s heart aches when he said “No one”. He wants to look into Sasha’s eyes and tell him,

I’m crazy about you. Why don’t you want me?

To press down this dull ache, he reaches out for the vodka again but someone grabs his hand, stops him.

“Lenya, maybe some water would be a good idea.”

“No!”

“You are drinking too fast.”

“Stop patronizing me!”

But Sasha is not letting go. His hand is still holding Leonid’s, not with too much strength, but sure and sturdy.

“Lenya, I insist.”

His tone is soft, but Leonid knows it has a hard core. Sasha is not the kind that gets mad and yell, he’s always gentle and calm. In fact, you should be more careful when he lowers his voice and talk slowly. Being trained by him, Leonid knows Sasha will not let go until he drinks water.

Sasha, then don’t let go of me.

“Okay, Okay. Water it is.” Leonid raises his hands to show he surrendered. After a glass of water his headache comes in. Shouldn’t have drunk so fast, the water I mean. He takes a few deep breaths, hope it will go away, but fails.

“Do you have anything for headache, Sasha? Aspirin?”

“It’s gonna hurt your stomach. Do you have vitamin effervescent tablets, Sasha, maybe give him that first. The question landed in Svetlana’s professional area.

“I think I have some.”

“Thanks.”

“Anyone else wants it?” Sasha offers.

“I’m good, I didn’t drink that much.” Svetlana shakes her head. No one else wants to admit they had too much alcohol. To support their point, they poured some more cognac into their glasses.

“I might have it behind the bathroom mirror, Leonid, do you mind go check there? I’ll check the moving boxes in the bedroom.”

Turned out Leonid had no luck in the bathroom. Then bedroom it is, he decides to join Sasha in the search.

Sasha has just dug out the effervescent tablets when he enters the room, holding that white box in his hand.

“Nice. You have it.” Leonid takes over the tablets and about to leave the room. It smells like Sasha, his room.

He likes the smell of Sasha’s aftershave, it’s a nice mixture of cedarwood and amber. It’s probably one of the first things that casted the spell on him. Sometimes at work, Sasha would lean over to talk to him, when he’s sitting by the control panel, the scent would surround him from behind, as if Sasha is holding him in his arms. More than once, he caught himself fantasizing about burying his face on Sasha’s neck, and submerge into that scent.

Bad idea. I can’t stay here longer, I need to get out.

That’s when Sasha grabs his hand and pulls him back.

“Are you mad at me, Lenya?”

He asks the same question again.

“No.” Leonid looks down, avoiding eye contact.

“Lenya?”

“I’m not mad at you Sasha, I needed water, you were right.” Leonid forces out a smile. “Sorry I yelled at you. Shall we get out?”

Say yes, Sasha, I can’t stay here any longer without crying.

“Lenya, you are mad at me, right?”

Why are you pushing me, Sasha? Yes! I am mad at you. I also hate myself, I can’t even tell you I’m in love with you. So what? Does it please you to see me weak?

He must look so mad.

“Stop biting, Leyna, you are hurting yourself.” Sasha is squeezing his hand. He looks very worried.

Oh, he bites too hard on his lip.

Great, now I look like an idiot.

How can this be so easy for Sasha? How can he be able to keep it casual, not feeling anything?

Why don’t you want me?

“So I’m not good enough, um?”

Shit! Said it out loud. Brilliant, Leonid, as if it’s not embarrassing enough.

Sasha is frowning. It’s been quite difficult to follow, to be honest. He’s at least tipsy, Leonid is probably three times as drunk as him.

Hmm, my nose hurts.

Leonid practically knocked on Sasha’s nose when he threw himself forward to kiss him. Sasha is pushed against the wardrobe and the back of his head hits its door.

Leonid smells like coffee and cognac. His hand is cold and trembling. And his lips… umm… his lips are soft, and eager. The tension in Sasha is gone, he melts between these lips.

“Open your mouth, Sasha…”

Leonid wrenches his hand off to grab both of Sasha’s shoulders. He’s desperate to get more. More of Sasha. The sound of conversation from the living room fades, all he can hear is his own heartbeats, their hot breath, and Sasha’s “Ugh”.

The bedroom door is open, anyone can walk in at any moment, but he just wants more. Holding Sasha’s lip between his, gives it a feathery suck, a nibble, and a lick, and there, his tongue goes forward, gets its taste of Sasha. His hand goes behind Sasha’s head, holding him in place, not letting him break for air.

The sensation of suffocation and drowning makes them dizzy. The room is spinning, the world spins around them, stars are falling from the sky and they are floating in the sea. They may die in this kiss.

Struggles for air, Sasha presses his hand on Leonid’s chest.

His heartbeats.

Pounding.

He’s so alive.

“Did you guys find that stupid vitamin thing or not?” Sitnikov’s voice comes around. And the magic is gone, they fall back on earth, ahead into reality.

Fuck! Fuck!!

Scramble to break apart, Leonid immediately turned to the other side of the room, leaving Sasha no choice but facing the intruder. Sitnikov stands one step into the room, skillfully with his back towards them.

Oh thank you, Tolya.

“Just got it. Do you mind go grab a glass of water for him?” Breathless and flushed, Sasha adjusts his shirt, trying to compose himself.

“Sure thing.” Sitnikov leaves the room. “They’ve just dug it out.” He explains to the others in the living room.

“Lenya, wait! Is there anything wrong?” Sasha stops Leonid from leaving the room.

So there has to be something wrong that I kiss you now? Leonid let out a self-mockery chuckle. He’s soaked in shame. Sasha’s lips are red and a little swollen. How pathetic, I just forced a kiss.

“No. I was.”

What does he mean? He was wrong for what? Kissing me? Or this whole thing? Leonid looks so detached. Distant. Tired. Sasha reaches out for his hand, but Leonid moves away. With his hand hanging in the air, the thoughts from before rushes in. He never dodged from me. But, what was the kiss then?

“Lenya, please, talk to me.” Sasha forces himself to sound calm.

“No.” Because I cannot be around you anymore, I feel too much and it will hurt me. It is hurting me. He steps out of the bedroom, leaving Sasha there, alone.

Sasha can’t move, he believes he’s paralyzed. He knows he should go back to the living room, be the nice host, chat and drink with his guests. But he just can’t move. It’s physically impossible. Something is hurting inside his chest. He presses a palm there and realizes it was his own heart.

That’s why he’s been odd tonight.

He doesn’t want this anymore.

And why are you so surprised? Isn’t this what you want?

Let’s keep it casual. You asked for it.

Is it over?

It, shouldn’t matter. It was, just, casual.

Stepping out of the bedroom, Sasha sees Sitnikov is having a whisper to Tanya. He hesitates to sit next to Leonid now, unsure if he still wants to be next to him, also, the inevitable body contact is going to hurt him more.

“Mind if I take the armchair?” Sasha asks Kirschenbaum. The kid shrugs a bit and stands up, hop back on the couch between Leonid and Svetlana.

“Igor! You are back!” Svetlana throws an arm around Kirschenbaum.

Sasha sits down on the armchair, wants to look relaxed, he leans forward to grab his glass and the vodka. Sitting back, he accidentally sees Leonid looking at him weirdly, eyes getting red.

“God we are slow at playing. We haven’t even finished one round.” Boris looks at his watch, it’s already one o’clock.

“Then let’s finish the round. Tanya!”

Sitnikov seems suspiciously keen on continue the game.

“Sure! My part is, never have I ever lied playing never have I ever.”

Damn it.

I know it was you, Tolya. Sasha gives Sitnikov a stare.

Sure, but you drink. Sitnikov stares back.

Rolls his eyes at Sitnikov, Sasha takes his poison. Swings his head back, he chugs the big shot a little too fast, some of the liquor flows down from the corner of his mouth.

Whoo. Sasha let out a long exhale, vodka starts getting disgusting after drinking this much. “God, how much do I have to drink today.” He mumbles. It’s getting more difficult for him to keep track of the room. His attention is narrowed to only one thing at any given moment. All he can hear now is Sitnikov persuading Leonid to drink.

“Leonid, I believe you need to drink too.”

“Tolya, I don’t think so.” Sasha’s eyes are shut, he pinches his nose bridge and says, “I think he was honest.”

I appreciate your stupid effort, Tolya. But he probably wants nothing to do with me now.

But to Leonid, unfortunately it sounds too much like he is being sarcastic.

“What do you know about me? It’s not your business! It never was!”

“Lenya…”

There is something wrong between the two. Usually they are almost inseparable and never argue. But today, something’s definitely off. People exchange confused look.

There must be a hole through my chest. Sasha thinks. It feels cold, the late spring breeze can go through me.

Sasha looks hurt. He is so pale.

“Lenya, sorry, I shouldn’t be self-important.”

Sasha is surprised he can still talk like it’s only a discussion of weather, though his voice hoarse and barely audible, he can smile too, despite in Leonid’s eyes, that smile is in despair and broken.

Sasha looks broken.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Sasha…” Leonid apologizes like a young boy. “I really am. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today…”

“Let’s blame the alcohol then. Don’t worry, Lenya.” Sasha puts his left hand on Leonid’s knee, presses down a bit harder. “It’s fine.”

It’s not.

Leonid now really regrets a lot. He’s been so rude to Sasha, and this is his moving in party. Sasha cooked nice food, prepared drinks, even remembered everyone’s allergy. He’s such a warm and gentle person,

I don’t deserve him.

The game is finally approaching the end of its first and maybe last round, as everyone looks tired or drunk.

“Never have I ever been able to remember a poem by heart.” Svetlana is the last one to share a fact.

Sasha can.

Leonid remembers that morning, it was their day off and they woke up together with nothing to hurry for. Neither of them felt like getting up. That was a lazy and cozy morning. They exchanged a lot of kisses, touches, until they were both useless.

Then they just cuddled in bed, like two kittens in front of a furnace, talking about their past. Sasha said one talent of him is to remember poems by heart.

“Reciting poems. Believe or not, I’m very good at it. Even some German ones.”

“Oh?” Leonid raised a questioning eyebrow.

And there Sasha started, reciting poems, one by one, nonstop.

Leonid doesn’t know much about poetry nor German, but the rhythm of the fluent flow and the youthful but also matured voice of Sasha was beautiful enough to charm him. He closed his eyes, let Sasha read him poems and slowly rain kisses all over him.

Twenty-nine.

That was when hunger overwhelmed Leonid and Sasha had to stop.

“Can you do Gute Nacht again, make it thirty?”

“Is that your favorite?”

“Yes. I know the melody.”

“It’s also one of my two favorites.”

That morning, it felt too much like they were a couple. He once stole the tenderness from Sasha, and hoped he can keep it forever.

Does he remember that morning too?

Leonid’s eyes meet with Sasha’s, realizing he forgot to ask which is the other one of his favorites.

Sasha may be thinking about the same morning as he looks somewhat beaming and in his own world.

Be a couple. With Leonid.

Like steam pushes up kettle lid, this idea is getting more and more difficult to press down. It felt too good. It felt too right. To have Leonid in his arms, to kiss him, to touch him, to hear his broken moans, to pour sweet nothings into his ears, to hold each other tight, shivering in the rain of stars and needles, to fall asleep together, to wake up together, to have a life together.

Only it is too late now.

I wish I was less hesitant, less overcautious, less indecisive, I wish I realized it earlier, I wish I didn’t hide behind that stupid excuse and pretend this is only casual for me. It never was. I wish I have told you…

“I’ll need to go sleep. What time is it now?” Kirschenbaum mumbled and is yawning.

“The trick of after party is not to ask about time.” Stolyarchuk doesn’t seem to be that tired, though he started slurring a while ago.

Everyone else also agrees.

“You guys don’t have to get up early but I’ll need to work in the morning.” Svetlana has her morning shift today.

“Yup, it’s about time to call it a night. Sasha had a long day too. We should all get some sleep.”

Sitnikov concluded.

So people decide this is a wonderful night and thank Sasha for a great party.

Leonid looks around assessing the battlefield, struggling about if he should offer to stay and help cleaning.

Maybe he doesn’t want me to stay. Leonid sneaks a glimpse at Sasha, who was standing by the entrance, randomly chatting while people are getting ready.

So Leonid decides to put on shoes and leave with others, doesn’t dare to look at Sasha, feeling he might by accident asking to stay.

“Thanks Sasha, it was a great party.” Quickly throwing some formulaic thanks, Leonid escapes from Sasha’s apartment.

Now the door is closed. Sasha looks back into his new apartment. Small messes here and there, with dishes from people eating, cups for the coffee and cognac, napkins on the dining table, a red Dutch oven still has some stew in it. The pot used to boil potatoes was used for collecting nut shells.

Should have asked Leonid for help. Sasha regrets.

No you shouldn’t. He looked so tired, and he didn’t even look at you. Have you already forgotten he doesn’t want this anymore?

He doesn’t want you anymore.

Sasha doesn’t like the idea. Takes a deep breath, he goes back to the couch, sits down where Leonid were sitting, takes a mouth-full of vodka.

The couch is still a little warm from Leonid sitting here before. Leaning back, Sasha pretends he’s in Leonid’s arms. Out of habit, he looks out the window, only realizing he’s not in that small studio anymore. He cannot look out of the window and see the light from Leonid’s window. He’s all by himself now.

From now on, there is only loneliness.

It didn’t take long for the discomfort from the messiness become annoying enough for Sasha to stand up from the couch with a sigh and step into the kitchen, starts cleaning.

Empty the garbage into the bin, rinse all the dishes and pots, sort the cutleries, stuff them all into the sink to soak a bit in the soapy water. Standard procedure after a party.

Sasha is still rinsing the dishes when someone knocked on his door. He quickly looks at the clock, it’s almost two.

“Tolya? Did you forget something?”

“Nah, not actually.”

“So?” Sasha frowns, confused.

Sitnikov is already in his pajamas. He raises his hand and lightly shaking a set of keys in front of Sasha. He recognizes it’s Leonid’s key set. The keychain was a gift from him for Leonid’s qualification as senior reactor control engineer last year.

“I might have taken Leonid’s key by mistake.” Sitnikov seems sincerely sorry, but Sasha just cannot believe him. Considering what he’s been doing tonight, Sasha has all the reasons to believe he “stole” Leonid’s key on purpose.

“So?”

“So what?”

“So why are you here telling me this?” Sasha decides to play dumb. Though the keys would be a good help for him to meet Leonid, admitting to Sitnikov is another thing.

“Oh Sasha!” Sitnikov clicks his tongue. “Sasha, Sasha…” and shakes his head.

“What?!” Someone is at the edge of getting properly irritated.

“It doesn’t help to pretend there is nothing, you know?”

“Tolya!” Now the irritation is joined by a lot of panic. And a bit of sweetness.

“Haven’t you noticed the way you two look at each other?” Sitnikov doesn’t want to end this conversation. “You might think you hid it well, Sasha, and I might have turned my back towards you two, but I’m not blind.”

“Tolya… it’s… it’s not…” Sasha is now blushing out of control. He’s cheeks are burning and he can tell his ears are in flame as well. He stammers, which is very odd for being Sasha and it amuses Sitnikov. It is fun to watch Sasha gets nervous, he’s too level-headed normally.

“So now, are you taking these keys or not?” Not giving Sasha a chance to say no, Sitnikov grabs Sasha’s hand and stuffs the key into it. “Tell Leonid I say good night.”

With a yawn, he walks upstairs, leaving Sasha standing by his own door.

Would it be a good idea to go to him now is the main question in Sasha’s mind. He wants to go, he wants to meet Leonid again so much. It’s not even been an hour since he left but Sasha already feels the emptiness he left behind.

Of course you should go. A sound tells Sasha. It’s cold in the night, and you wouldn’t want him to sit in the cold corridor for a whole night, right? What if he gets sick?

But Leonid doesn’t live that far, if he wants to find his keys, he could already be here. What if he’s already at someone else’s place? Sasha argues. And this argument somehow punctures his own heart with a long needle. It is unbearable to think about Leonid with someone else.

The Leonid that’s always happy and chatty around him. The Leonid lights up whenever meeting him. The Leonid that curves his eyes when smiling to him. The Leonid that’s clumsy doing housework but insists helping in the morning. The Leonid shivers and moans under his lips.

Will all be someone else’s.

That’s probably my own fault. It indeed is a major frustration to Sasha. He grabs his own keys, steps out of his new apartment.

Roughly one and half a kilometer to the northwest, Leonid just had his moment of major frustration too. He finally dragged himself back home, and realized he didn’t have his keys. As a person with a decent memory, he believed he locked the door with his keys before going to Sasha’s party. He even remembered the small detail, that in case of locking the door, he had to put down the gift for Sasha to get his keys out from his right pocket. So there is not much space left for him not to make that conclusion, he left the keys at Sasha’s place.

Stupid Leonid. Now Sasha will think it’s an excuse for you to go back. Haven’t you embarrassed yourself enough today?

All the alcohol mixed inside him really doesn’t help justifying the situation as non-harmful and absolutely not rare. Drunk people lose their stuff all the time. In fact, back in his good old college party days, Leonid even had a small drawer in his room dedicated to lost and found. But now all he can think about is how degrading he acted tonight, acting like a dumb teenager, getting all emotional for attention from someone they are fond of.

Let’s keep this casual, Okay?

Sasha’s words come back to him and continue the torture.

For fuck’s sake, how long does it need before you stop craving for his attention? You were nothing to him but just sex. Stop fantasizing, you idiot.

And yes, I’m hurting myself. And I’m gonna keep hurting myself, so nothing else can hurt me more.

You can’t hurt me more.

Abandoning himself to the vicious circle of the sense of inferiority and self accusation, Leonid slowly sits down on the corridor floor, leaning on his door, curls up his legs, and cries bitterly.

Why don’t you want me? Sasha, why?

Sasha… Sasha…

Leonid repeatedly whispers Sasha’s name, carefully tastes the sweetness it gives him. But it also tastes bitter and salty. The sweetest name is mixed with his own tears now.

That’s when he hears the elevator door opens and footsteps approaching in the corridor.

Amazing! How much more embarrassing can this fucking night get? Now my neighbor will see me crying in front of my own door.

Leonid buries his face on his knees and hopes the neighbor can pretend he doesn’t exist, save him from more embarrassment. He holds his breath as the steps coming closer and closer, his heart is beating like a drum. Very unfortunately, the steps stop in front of him.

“Lenya?”

A light voice comes from above, and Leonid looks up with a rush.

“Sasha?”

Oh, Sasha doesn’t look very well. He’s completely drenched. Glasses blurry with water drops covering it, some bigger drops are gathering together, shedding from the lenses. So hopefully he didn’t see me cry. Leonid gets up from the floor and in the dimmed corridor, he takes a closer look at Sasha. His hair and shirt and pants are not anywhere better than his glasses, actually, if not worse.

“Your keys.” Sasha hands over the key set to him.

“You went through the rain to give me my keys?”

Another mix of bitter sweet. Sasha ran into heavy rain to give me the keys. Or he would rather go into the rain to give me back the keys, because he doesn’t want me in his place?

The latter thought gives Leonid a heavy punch, he feels his head somehow swells suddenly, makes him dizzy.

“You stood up too fast, Lenya!” Sasha grabs him. Leonid can feel he’s cold. His hands are not warm anymore, this is unseen in Sasha, ever.

He likes to sit next to Sasha on the bus, always so cozy to be around. His cloth always clean, has the nice smell of laundry detergent and sunshine. And his aftershave.

All of these are ruined by the rain. He can smell the rain on Sasha. Cold, humid, almost has a sharp taste like metal.

“Thanks. I’m fine now.” Leonid awkwardly wriggles out from Sasha’s arms, opens the door and signals Sasha to join him into the room.

But Sasha hesitates. He cannot be sure if Leonid sincerely wants him there in his room, after all he believes Leonid doesn’t want what was between them anymore. He also doesn’t trust himself. It would be too difficult for him to be in this small room with Leonid now, knowing he cannot hold him anymore.

His hesitation definitely has another interpretation in Leonid’s mind. He’s biting his lip, eyes getting red.

“It’s late, I probably should go home … you have a good night, hmm?”

“Am I that unbearable to you now?!” Leonid almost yelled at Sasha.

It! Must! Be! The! Fucking! Alcohol!

Leonid decides not to drink this much anymore. He’s losing control of, well, almost everything. Alcohol first, and then his thoughts, and then his kisses, and then, like now, whatever he says.

“No, Lenya, of course not. It’s just… just…”

“What, Sasha? What?!” Leonid spreads his hands and raises up his shoulders, irritated and confused.

Sasha realizes it’s probably better not to argue with drunk Leonid, so he steps into his room.

Leonid’s room. Sasha notices the new photo frame on Leonid’s side table with the same photo of him and his parents. The old frame was broken, by him. It was probably a couple of weeks after their first night together, after the shift, Leonid whispered to him on the bus home,

“Sasha, umm, wanna come to my place?”

He was furiously blushing, and his eyes, the sweet eyes were pleading.

How can I say no to that? Sasha said to himself.

The bus became so slow and so fast all of a sudden at the same time.

They started kissing in the elevator, hungrily. Leonid unbuttoned Sasha’s coat and his hand sneaked under his sweater and shirt. That cold hand, lightly rested on his back, brings electric currents all through him. They rushed into the room and ripped off each other’s cloth, haphazardly, Sasha’s hand hit the framed photo, it fell on the floor, broke. But Leonid didn’t give him time to clean the mess, didn’t even give him time to apologize.

“I don’t like that frame, thanks for breaking it.” Leonid giggled.

They enjoyed that morning, like enjoying a cherry. Beautiful, juicy, sweet. That’s the first time Sasha actually went inside Leonid. The warmth and tightness, the broken moan half from pain and half from pleasure. For a moment he believed he saw heaven. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget about that morning.

Not until the end of time.

“Do you mind giving me a towel, Leonid? I’m dripping water on your door mat.”

Leonid runs into the bathroom and comes out with a fluffy light gray towel.

“You should change, Sasha. You’ll get sick. I have some cloth my cousin left behind last time, probably fit you. The towel heater is on, yours should get dry soon.”

He made sure he sounds as calm as possible. But,

Oh no! It sounds like I was asking him to stay.

“I probably shouldn’t stay too long, you look tired.”

But when Sasha says it out first, Leonid gets even madder.

“Sure!! Just leave then, get away from me! Oh you know what! We’ll still meet at work, I hope you don’t mind!” Leonid snaps, not able to hold back his frustration. He slams the towel into Sasha’s hand and runs back to the bathroom, locks the door.

Now he’s sitting on another floor, leaning on another door, crying again.

I don’t care! I don’t care anymore! I have to cry or I’ll die! He bursts into a rage of tears.

Outside the door, Leonid’s cry is breaking Sasha’s heart. He doesn’t understand what happened but also has a vague idea. Only he wouldn’t dare to pursue that idea. What if I’m wrong? What if I’m wrong and hurt both of us? It was Leonid who said regretting have this encounter with him, after he received a passionate and arousing kiss from him. That person is now crying so heartbreakingly behind his own bathroom door, because Sasha said it’s better for him to leave.

But I thought you don’t want me anymore.

Sasha finds himself simply looping in this circle. Headache, shouldn’t have drunk this much vodka. Sasha swears he’ll never drink like this again.

Suddenly he loses control of pressing down that idea and it surfaces in Sasha’s mind. He feels Leonid is probably torn in this as well.

Maybe he’s torn, just like I am indecisive and overly concerned.

Or, because I am indecisive and overly concerned.

This realization hammers Sasha hard.

“Lenya. Lenya?”

Leonid is still sobbing inside, not responding.

“Lenya… I’m sorry. Do you wanna come out here? We… we can talk.”

“Just leave!!” Leonid shouts inside.

“I can’t.”

“Bullshit! Just leave! Don’t you understand! I don’t want you here! Get out of my place!” He never yelled this much in his life. He voice gets hoarse, but the wailing continues.

“Lenya, I’m not leaving. I can’t leave you like this.”

“Why? What’s your business? Ah??”

Silence.

Leonid lets out a laugh mockingly. See, he can’t even say he cares about me.

“Sasha, just leave. I don’t want to see you.”

Why are tears still rushing down my face? It’s me, cutting the ties with him. I should be happy getting out from something I didn’t want from the beginning, proud of myself, aren’t I?

For a long while, he sits on the floor, let tears run down. He feels cold, headache, his mouth dry, a sharp ache persists in his chest.

I must be sick. Nothing else. Just sick.

Then comes the sound of a closing door.

Sasha left.

He gave up.

I’m alone now.

Leonid gazes somewhere in the darkness numbly, tears shedding. The late spring evening is surprisingly cold. The coldness penetrates his skin, into the depth of his bones.

He shivers involuntarily but cannot move. Silence encircles him, broken only by his raw, uneven breaths. His body feels heavy, and the weight of loneliness presses down on him, making it hard to breathe. He hugs his knees to his chest, seeking some warmth, some comfort. Time drags on, minutes feeling like hours.

Memories of their time together flood his mind, each one a cruel reminder of what is no longer there now. He tries to push them away, but they come back stronger, more vivid.

Sasha has a tiny red birthmark behind his left ear, Leonid was obsessed with it.

Sasha’s eyes are almost cobalt blue, but have a bit of green around the pupils, like the Mediterranean coast under the summer sun.

Sasha is very ticklish. Leonid once touched him in a particularly tickling way, he laughed his tears out, breathless, begging for mercy.

Sasha is always prepared. There were always a couple of dampened towels beside, whenever they finish.

Sasha is a wonderful kisser, not forcing anything but takes everything from him. When he licks Leonid’s lips, everything else just becomes background noise. All the tenderness he pours into the kisses, makes Leonid wants more.

Sasha has a beautiful voice. Whenever that voice calls his name, it casts the smallest spell on Leonid. It stops him from whatever he’s doing, makes him searching, restless until he sees Sasha.

Sasha…

Sasha…

In the darkness, Leonid murmurs the name that gives him so much sweetness and so much pain. He stopped crying, instead he only feels a great emptiness.

I yelled Sasha away. I yelled the man I love out of my life.

I wish I have told you. I’m acting all weirdly, because I have too much feelings for you. For a long time.

It could be minutes, or hours, before Leonid finally stands up from the floor. His legs are dead, he can only move little by little leaning on the wall. Opens the bathroom door, the light from the hallway and living room sheds in, it is almost too bright for him. All of a sudden, he sees Sasha, leaning on the dresser across the hallway, looking directly into his eyes.

“Sasha… I thought… I thought you left.”

“Lenya, I cannot leave you like that.”

Aha, like that, huh?

“So I’m not crying anymore, you can leave now.” Turning his gaze to the door, Leonid feels himself being ridiculous again, but he just cannot help it. He can’t be calm and nice to Sasha, he will give in and beg him to stay. He leans on the wall, closes his eyes, feeling them water behind the eyelids.

“Lenya, I’m not leaving.”

“For what? Taking care of me? Because I can’t handle my alcohol and my emotions? Oh yes, poor Leonid, cries like a kid. Or? Maybe we should have sex? Is that what you are staying for, to fuck me?”

Shit, snapped again. Now Leonid cannot blame it on alcohol. Actually how much ever he drank before seems all evaporated now. He feels sober, or at least not drunk anymore.

Sasha is frowning. Looks hurt. It gives Leonid a same hurting feeling looking at Sasha takes in his words.

“Lenya…” His voice tremors, full of sorrow.

“Lenya, I apologise. If I have done anything that makes you feel that I’m using you, I do apologise.”

Tears are running down Sasha’s cheeks, Leonid has never seen this man cry. Not once. Not one single tear drop. But now he’s weeping like shattered. Soundless, but broken, defeated. Leonid is quickly taken by guilt, he softens his tune, but cannot find other words other than merely calling his name.

“Sasha…” He takes one step forward, almost out of instinct. He wants to hold Sasha. He wants this whole ridiculous thing he started to be over.

Sasha looks up with his watery blue eyes, they look even more like the waving Mediterranean now. The gentle waves are pulling Leonid, seducing him to go forward and forward, until he drowns in that deep blue.

“Do you want me to leave?” It’s almost a whisper.

“No. I want you to stay.” Leonid can barely be heard, he looks down to the floor, like a child caught in a lie. He bites his lip, wringing his hands nervously.

“Are you still mad at me?”

“No. I was never really mad at you. Just… I… I feel hurt.”

“Was it… was it because of… because of what is between us?”

Silence.

“Lenya. I will step back if you don’t want it anymore. And I’m not going to be in your way. I know I shouldn’t have... started it. I just… I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” Sasha stops, and his voice softens. “I can't bear the idea that I might be the reason for your suffering.”

“What do you mean you shouldn’t… Are you regretting sleeping with me?”

“No! Of course not. I… I thought you were…”

Silence.

“Lenya… It was the best thing happened to me…” Sasha sounds like he’s in a dream. He talks in low and tender voice, so he won’t startle the dreamer. “You are the best thing happened to me.” Leonid meets Sasha's gaze, his eyes filled with unshed tears.

Leonid can sense this bizarre feeling inside him. Like, an epiphany. All of a sudden his dead heart starts beating again. Takes a deep breath and steps closer to Sasha, he lets himself hope.

“Sasha…” He grabs Sasha’s hand, fingers trembling slightly with the weight of his emotions. Leaned in, whispering so only Sasha could hear, “I feel the same way.” His breaths are unstable and voice shaky. It is difficult to hold in all the feelings once there is a small crack, now everything just floods out, everything he’s been keeping to himself, he’s been torturing himself with, “Sasha, I don’t want us to be casual. I never wanted…” He licks his dry lips, “I want you. Us. I’m in love with you.”

Sasha's eyes widen, his grip tightening around Leonid's hand. He has to grab something, or he’ll float away. Joy and relief overtakes all the sorrow, makes him craving for Leonid. Sasha reaches out the other hand to wipe the tears from Leonid’s cheek,

“I’m in love with you too, for too long… I didn’t dare to tell you, I couldn’t believe you would have feelings for me… so I suggested this stupid casual thing.”

For a while, there is nothing but wavering gaze and silence between them. The person you love so painfully loves you back. It is a miracle. Some god must have visited, brought hope and his blessings.

Leonid smiles, a few tears escaping despite his attempts to hold them back.

“Sasha… Tell me I’m not dreaming…”

Sasha leans in closer, his forehead touching Leonid's. He feels the warmth of Sasha's breath, mingling with his own. Their emotions swirl around them, like a tender cocoon of intimacy. They look into each other's eyes, the world around them fades away.

“It’s not a dream, I love you.” Sasha murmurs, his voice filled with determination. Leonid nods, his heart is pounding and his lips are longing for Sasha and he must be in heaven. Not alone anymore, Leonid has Sasha, and Sasha has Leonid.

“So, now, it's us, Sasha. Together.”

“Together.”

Frühling

• Hermann Hesse

In dämmrigen Grüften

Träumte ich lang

Von deinen Bäumen und blauen Lüften

Von deinem Duft und Vogelsang

Nun liegst du erschlossen

In Gleiß und Zier

Von Licht übergossen

Wie ein Wunder vor mir

Du kennst mich wieder

Du lockst mich zart

Er zittert durch all meine Glieder

Deine selige Gegenwart

End