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When the locker room is bumping with laughter and music, that's when I feel alive. Depending on who's connected to the communal speaker the vibes will always differ. Lottie sticks to what she knows and that is, “Dreamgirl Bubblegum Pop!” Shauna plays slower tunes when the team is coming back from a late game but there are some girls who are notably banned from playing music for the team.
For instance, Natalie’s definition of good music consists of a shitty 2000s artist we can barely name and God forbid we stick around for Misty’s showtunes. So some people are better at this. Finding songs we all love and relate to. Some people are just better at connecting and finding the right moment.
That would be Van. With her fiery red hair, cheekiest smile, and love for others. I feel alive when I’m able to dance with her in the locker room. Judging eyes and all.
We all change out of our school clothes while listening to Van’s cultivated genius of a playlist. Old Taylor Swift, Oldies but Goodies, 2010s pop. Songs everyone knows and loves.
“Vannn!” Nat storms into the locker room with a goofy smile on her face and both hands on her hips, “If you don’t turn off this glitter barf song-”
Yells of protest were likely heard from the other side of the building.
“What no! I just got started, Salt-N-Pepa is next!” Van exclaims which makes the whole team excited for their favorite pre-game song.
In my pristine uniform I lean my back against my locker looking around the room at smiling faces. I can almost tell what they are thinking. Shauna and Jackie are tucked away in the outskirts dancing with each other. Jackie is thinking about which new perfume to buy at the mall later and Shauna is… well what isn’t Shauna thinking about? Misty is trying hard to be included. Nat and Lottie bumping hips and whispering to each other. Tentative JV players wanting to be known. Van.
I have an ongoing list of things that make me feel alive.
Taissa Turner’s List of Aliveness Factors!
The feeling of a cold breeze on your cheeks during winter.
Driving with the windows down while good music is playing.
The sound of rain against windows as I fall asleep.
Vanessa Palmer’s icey blue eyes looking into mine…
My crush on Van is absolutely radiating, exciting, yet ultimately terrifying. First of all, what a distraction she is in my important classes. No one ever told me how difficult it was to take a first period exam with a fresh dream of your crush on your mind.
Van is someone that I have trouble reading. One moment she’s this excited bubbly person and the next she’s staring out the bus window for hours on end. She’s complex and mysterious even when she tries her hardest not to be. The puzzle of her heart is my favorite kind of mind game.
There she is now grabbing me by my shoulders and shaking me along to the lyrics, “Come onnn Tai, dance with me!” Who am I to say no to her?
As soon as we get started Misty fucking Quigley interrupts our fun letting us know its time to practice. I place my hands on the small of Van’s back urging her to keep going.
“Jesus lady, I’m going!”
“Obviously not fast enough,”
“Or maybe you just want an excuse to touch me.” Van looks back at me with a 2 for 1 grin and wink combo. Knockout.
I scoff and shove her as I run to the field. As I’m running I hear Van’s wicked laughter and it makes me stumble a little as I try to get a quick look at her. What I would give to be close to her again but instead I’m on the other side of the field with Jackrabbit Taylor and her sidekick. Shauna’s not bad to be around, in fact I really enjoy her presence. She’s a very calm person and takes no shit. Is it egotistical to like her because she reminds me of myself? She’s also a good friend if that counts.
“So… Van huh?” Shauna’s voice cuts me out of my thoughts.
I immediately panic and feel the rush of blood at the mere mention of her name.
Shauna places a hand on my shoulder, “Hey it okay, I’m not gonna tell anyone. I mean it’s literally beneath me to do something like that. Considering… y’know.”
Having my suspicions confirmed was the greatest relief I’ve felt all day. Shauna is like me. Shauna, one of my closest friends, knows what it feels like to lose your mind over sleepovers and gentle touches.
“No, of course.” I calmed down and gave her a knowing smile, “Jackie then?”
Shauna nodded and we shared a smile about our respective best friends being our crush.
Coaches whistle blows. Right, soccer. Lock in.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Everyone is sweating hard to say the least. It was probably one of our best scrimmages and if you asked me I would say we really needed it.
The majority of us are seniors therefore making this our Last Dance. It’s our last chance to go to Nationals and our last chance to feel on top of the world.
I’m jogging back to the bench with my eyes only on one girl. Forget water, forget catching my breath. If there’s anything that this scrimmage taught me it's that things are coming to a close and I’ll be damned if I don’t do anything about this love. Hell, it’s been four years. You’d think it’d finally be time.
Most of the girls have cleared out to get showered and changed in the locker room. It’s just me, Van, and Shauna on the other end of the bench being a nosy little shit.
Fuck it, Shauna already knows.
Van looks back at me with surprise, “Hi! Good practice, right?” She chugs some water and wipes some sweat off her brow.
“Yeah totally. You had some really good saves, as always.” I clear my throat. I hear Shauna snicker in the background and try my hardest to ignore her. Van doesn’t even notice. Bless her heart.
She gives me her cheeky smile, “Well thank God. Didn’t wanna get sent to JV.” She playfully rolls her eyes. Her blue eyes.
Wait, what was I about to ask her? Oh. Right.
“I was wondering…” I trail off, very certain of what I want to say but weary of how to say it, “If you’d like to go out with me sometime?”
She giggles. Why is she giggling?
“Tai we always hang out, you don’t even have to ask. I thought that was expected.” She smirks while untying her cleats.
I look down and grin to myself. Of course she doesn’t quite get it, “I meant as a date.” I laugh.
Van stares at me in surprise. Vanessa Palmer is finally speechless for once. It’s scary that I’ve never seen her this quiet before. Even when she’s mad she’s loud. When she’s upset her eyes have conversations with mine no one else can comprehend. I associate her with the brightest of storms. The perfect mixture of calm and chaotic. When it’s just her and Van it feels like reading whilst it’s raining. The stillness of floating into a fictional world and out again when you hear her soft breath evening out. She reminds you of playing in the rain as a kid jumping around without a care in the world about getting sick.
Van is speechless like the calm before a storm.
“Wait, are you for real? Like seriously? Don’t fuck with me Tai!” Van goes through several different emotions in less than 2 seconds.
“No I would never.” Shauna has left by now making it just the two of them.
I have dreamt of this moment since I was 14 years old. Since I knew what being gay meant. Since I knew the touch of wavy red locks.
She walks up to me. Just a step, not much more, but I match her distance until there’s almost nothing left between us.
Her finger lightly grazed my hand and she traveled up my arm with it giving my chills like the storm inside her. Her freckled hand rests on the back of my neck and I tentatively place my hand on her waist.
“Is this okay?” I ask her, being shy around her for the first time.
I’ve been plagued with dreams of this very moment for years since we locked eyes.
Said eyes lock with mine, “Tai. Just shut up and kiss me.”
I’ve wished for this on every shooting star, every birthday wish, every 11:11 on the clock. Four years later it’s finally happened and it’s the best thing I’ve ever waited for.
Our lips press together gently, searching for a sign that the other wanted more. Her hand slides up my neck and into my hair tugging ever so slightly. I take that as a cue to give her more than just a chaste kiss.
What feels like forever is just 2 minutes until we break apart. I brush my thumb against her blushing cheek, “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to do that.”
“Neither do you.”