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He had no reason to walk into this particular coffee shop. He didn’t even have a reason to be in this part of New York except that sometimes he just needed to get away from everything. Sometimes he needed to get away from everyone and just drift anonymously through the city.
“Is this seat – “He stopped when he saw who was occupying the table. For the past year he had assumed Brock Rumlow was dead. Sam had mentioned him once when he had talked about their fight in the Triskelion.
“Seat’s free if you want it”, Rumlow said. Scars marred his face especially around his eyes but his hair was carefully styled just like James remembered it.
He sat down. “How are you?” He asked, feeling a little awkward. He remembered Rumlow, remembered him well. Steve wouldn’t like him sitting with him and talking but Steve’s memories of Rumlow and James’ memories were very different.
Rumlow shrugged. “I’m good. How about you?” He sounded like he genuinely wanted to know.
“I’m on Steve’s team now.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
It was as if Rumlow could look straight through him and see how much he was struggling. He had been able to do that when James had been the winter soldier as well. It was what had made them a good team.
“I’m fine”, James said even though it sounded like a lie. Maybe because it was one. “What are you doing here?” He asked to change the topic.
“I’m working around the corner. Teaching tactics to mercenaries and the like.”
“You’re not . “He stopped when he realized that the scars on Rumlow’s face probably weren’t the only damage he had taken from the Triskelion fight.
“I had a building collapse on me, that put a bit of a damper on my field readiness”, Rumlow said casually. “I was getting too old for this shit anyway.”
“Do you like it?” Bucky asked. “Being a civilian?”
Rumlow laughed. “Only you would count teaching assault tactics to mercenaries as being a civilian. But yeah, it does. How about you?”
Bucky shrugged. “I’m getting too old for this.”
“But you can’t retire until Rogers does”, Rumlow finished for him.
“Yeah”, he felt guilty just for admitting it.
Rumlow had to have felt the awkwardness because he changed the topic and instead told James a story about his students and their according to him endless stupidity. James liked watching him talk. When he had been the Winter Soldier Rumlow had often told him stories during the drive to their destination.
“Thank you”, James said suddenly.
Rumlow looked up from his coffee. “What for?”
“For not treating me like my other handlers did.”
“Nothing you need to thank me for. I’d say go and shoot them for what they did but that’s not what you do anymore, is it?”
“Only if they really deserve it”, Bucky said dryly.
Rumlow laughed. “That’s the spirit, Winter.”
James felt a shiver run down his spine at the old nickname.
“Probably shouldn’t call you that anymore, should I?” Rumlow asked.
“No, I..it’s fine. I always liked it.”
“Maybe they did brainwash you one time too many.”
“Maybe”, James agreed. “But it was the only thing that was really mine.”
“I’d say Hydra was really fucked up if the nicest thing you remember having was a nickname but then we were bent on world domination.”
It felt surprisingly good to joke about it. Steve and the others usually tiptoed around the topic as if they were afraid to upset him. “Is that why you joined them?”
Rumlow shook his head. “They don’t tell you that stuff up front. And by the time they did, I figured Hydra wouldn’t be worse than any of the idiots who are in charge now.”
Conversation flowed easily between them. James not only found it easy to listen to Rumlow but also easy to talk to him. With his memories being patchy at best talking with Steve sometimes felt like walking through a mine field. Steve tried not to show it but each time he brought something up that James didn’t remember he looked as if someone had kicked his puppy. With Rumlow it didn’t matter if he remembered or not. Either Rumlow filled him in or he told him he was better off forgetting anyway. There were no emotional shoals waiting in the conversation like there were with Steve.
“My break’s up”, Rumlow said eventually. He looked at James. “If you want…I’m here pretty much every day around this time.”
“I’ll be here next week.”
“Barring an alien invasion?” Rumlow grinned and grabbed his jacket.
James grinned back. “Or a robot take over.”
“See you next week then.”
/
He didn’t tell Steve, not that he had met Rumlow, not that he was going to meet him again. On the one hand he felt guilty for not telling him, on the other it felt good that there was something Steve didn’t know about him.
Talking to Rumlow felt right because he had only known him as the Winter Soldier. There were no expectations like the ones Steve had, as well meaning as they were, and Rumlow knew at least partially what he had been through.
It was easy to talk to Rumlow in a way it wasn’t easy to talk to Steve anymore. Rumlow didn’t expect him to act like someone he wasn’t anymore or frowned when James referenced one of his missions as the Winter Soldier. They talked about tactics in the field and more than once James found himself thinking in the field about what Rumlow would do. James hadn’t thought he would want to have someone to talk to who knew exactly what had happened during his time as Hydra’s prisoner but now that he did, he wouldn’t want to miss it.
That was, he rationalized, why he didn’t tell Steve about it. It was hard to explain but sometimes he missed Hydra, even before he had met Rumlow again. He missed his team, Rumlow’s team really, missed the simplicity, the freedom that came with not having to make choices. He never said any of this to Steve but eventually he did tell Rumlow.
“It’s always easier to follow orders”, Rumlow agreed. “That and I remember working under Rogers and he was leading my team very differently from how I did it.”
/
„Didn’t think you’d be here”, Rumlow said, seven weeks into their weekly meetings. “Heard you fought dragons last night.”
“Giant lizards”, James muttered into his triple espresso. “I’m getting too old for this shit.” It was a reoccurring sentiment. He had already felt too old for this when he had signed up for it 8 months ago. But he couldn’t let Steve do this on his own, could he?
“You could quit.”
“I can’t.”
“You could”, Brock insisted. “You just don’t want to because you feel like you owe Rogers.”
The downside of talking with someone who knew him as well as Rumlow did was that he wasn’t afraid to tell him the truth no matter how uncomfortable that felt.
“I do owe him”, James argued. “He freed me from being a prisoner twice, not to mention all the other times he saved my life.”
“That’s how you feel”, Rumlow replied. “Granted I only worked with Rogers for two years but I’m pretty sure he would let you leave the superhero business without a second thought if you told him you wanted to.”
“But I won’t do it while he’s out there”, he half-yelled.
Rumlow leaned back, seemingly satisfied. “There you go.”
“Sorry.” He raked a hand though his hair. It wasn’t as short as it had been when he had been Bucky Barnes but it was shorter than when he had been the Winter Soldier. “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
“I probably deserved”, Rumlow said lightly. “I did help to keep you brainwashed and enslaved by a secret organization.”
“If you say it like this, it sounds ridiculous.”
“it is ridiculous. Welcome to our lives.”
As they got ready to leave Rumlow said, “I’m not going to be here next week. I’ve got a mission. See if anything I taught those kids stuck in their heads.”
“Take care.”
Rumlow raised his eyebrows. “It’s just a routine mission.”
“Take care anyway.”
The look Rumlow gave him was full of amusement. “I’ll try my best.”
/
Two weeks later Rumlow came back with his left arm in a cast. “Not a word”, he told Bucky before he had even sat down.
“I didn’t say anything”, Bucky replied with a grin and raised hands.
“Didn’t have to, that pretty face of yours is an open book”, Rumlow muttered. “What’s up?”
“You volunteered for Hydra, right?”
“You know I did.”
“And for Shield?”
Rumlow waved his hand. “Walked right into one of their ops. Had the choice between recruitment or a memory wipe or maybe a shallow grave. Barton wasn’t too forthcoming about that. Why?”
“I didn’t volunteered for the army, I was drafted.” There was just a hint of bitterness in his voice. “I never told Steve that. He found it out from a fucking museum exhibit.”
Rumlow seemed unfazed. “Not the only time you lied to him is it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Somehow I doubt you told him about this.” He gestured between him and James.
“What makes you say that?”
“I doubt he’d okay with our weekly coffee dates considering I tried to kill him three times plus Romanov and Wilson.”
“I tried to kill him.”
“Yeah but we already covered that you were a brainwashed prisoner of war while I did for my career advancement. Slight difference.”
“You’re right, he doesn’t know.” James smiled. He bumped into Rumlow with his shoulder more because he could than anything else. Their eyes met and like two magnets they collided. It had been inevitable since the first time they had met again, James through as he wrapped his arm around Brock’s neck.
“Rogers is going to kill me”, was the first thing Rumlow said once they let go of each other’s mouths.
“Way to ruin the mood”, James replied and playfully pushed him away.
Brock caught his arm and pulled him back. “Didn’t say you weren’t worth it.” And kissed him again.
Someone catcalled them but Bucky flipped them off without looking.
“I’ve wanted to do this for a while”, James said after they separated. His hands still rested on Brock’s shoulders and Brock’s were still on his waist. It felt good to be this close to another human being without feeling fear or anxiety. There had been times when he had doubted he would ever be able to again.
“Do I have to wait until next week for this to continue or can we schedule our next date a bit sooner?” Brock asked.
“Barring an alien invasion?” James asked.
“Or robot take over”, Brock replied.
They both grinned at each other and James leaned in to kiss him again.
“Maybe I want you take me home right now”, James whispered against his lips.
“As tempting as that is I have to go back to work.”
“Friday then?”
“Friday”, Brock confirmed. They kissed goodbye in front of the café and James watched Brock as he walked down the street and vanished around the corner. He smiled stupidly at his cup of coffee. When he looked up he could see Natasha on the other side of the street, watching him with wide eyes.
He crossed the street without looking left or right, resulting in a few cars honking and at least one driver shouting at him but he couldn’t care less.
Natasha was waiting for him or else she would’ve been gone already. Most people only saw or caught her if she wanted them too.
“Did you follow me?” Was the first thing he asked.
“Yes”, she replied, taking a step back. It wasn’t obvious but james knew she was ready to fight him if she thought she needed to.
“You cannot tell Steve”, Bucky said, his hand wrapped tightly around her arm.
“Rumlow is – “
“I know exactly who he is”, Bucky interrupted her. “I worked with him for more than two decades.”
“A year at most. And I’m sure coffee dates were just par the course for that.” Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.
“They weren’t, that’s the point. Brock treated me like a member of his team, nothing more, nothing less. He was the first not to take advantage.”
The look on Natasha’s face plainly told him that she didn’t believe him.
“If it’s nothing then why hide it from Steve?” She asked.
“Because they have history. I’ve read the files. I heard both of them talk about it. You know how Steve takes things personally that most people in our business wouldn’t think twice about. He’s a soldier, not a spy.”
Natasha tilted her head slightly as if she could see his point.
“And in any case it’s my decision to make what I tell Steve and what not.”
That Natasha could accept easily. She, too hated it when someone else took her decisions from her. Just like Bucky she had been at other people’s mercy for too long to accept that.
“He is Hydra.”
“He was hydra.”
“How can you be so sure? Because he told you?” It was plain to see that she couldn’t believe he was this naïve.
“I’m taking a chance, every heard of that?” He said with more venom in his voice than he had intended to.
“He could be playing to long game again and you wouldn’t know.”
“I know him better than you”, James told her. “I know what he’s like when he’s not pretending.”
“I have to – “
“Nat, please”, he said and let go of her arm. “Please let me decide when I tell Steve. If you have any valid reason to suspect that Brock’s up to something, you can tell him. But until then please let me have this. Please.”
He could see how difficult it was for her to make this decision. She had been in his position once, had taken a leap of faith and had been rewarded for it. Slowly she nodded. “I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t make me regret this.”
/
A phone was ringing offensively loud somewhere in the room. His phone, James realised after a few moments. The temptation to hide his head under the pillow until the ringing stopped was great but he knew that at this hour it had to be Steve and that meant business.
If it wasn’t at least a large scale alien invasion he was going to shoot someone.
He fumbled for his phone in the dark and finally found it
“Yes?” He mumbled. Next to him Brock buried his head under a pillow.
“Bucky? Where are you?” It was Steve just as he had thought.
“Asleep.”
“We have a situation in the Hudson. Apparently it’s some kind of giant sea snake with an appetite for bridges.”
James groaned. Why hadn’t monsters never heard of weekends?
“Where are you?” Steve asked again. “We’ll pick you up with the Quinjet.”
James gave him an address three blocks down the road and hung up. He crawled over Brock and kissed the back of his neck, tempted to just lie down and let the others deal with the sea monster on their own. “I’ve got to go”, he whispered in Brock’s ear. “I’ll call you later.”
“Take care, Winter.”
/
“Hey Buck”, Steve said when the Quinjet took off. “I was worried when you weren’t home.”
James rubbed his eyes. “I told you I was going out”, he said around a yawn.
“I thought you’d be back by now.”
He knew Steve wanted to ask him where he had been without actually asking. And as much as James loved him Steve’s passive-agressivness got on his nerves. But he didn’t want to fight so instead of replying he went to get his vest. He wasn’t going to face a giant snake in his date clothes.
All the while he could feel Natasha’s eyes on him and when he took off his shirt Barton whistled.
“Someone got laid.”
He vividly remembered Brock’s mouth on his neck and the hickey that he had left there. He’d be more annoyed if he hadn’t left one above Brock’s collar bone.
“Who’s the lucky girl?” Scott wanted to know.
“Who says it’s a girl?” Wanda asked.
“None of your business”, James told them.
Fortunately their impending arrival at the river let them drop the topic. And even though he caught Steve looking at him with the question “where are you going?” written plainly across his face quite often in the following weeks, he never did ask.
/
James didn’t even know if Brock was at home when he knocked. He should’ve called first but when the memory had come all he had wanted to do was to get as far away from Steve and the others as possible.
“Hey Winter”, Brock said when he opened the door. He looked confused and a little worried. “Are you okay?” He asked as he let him in.
“I remember how I killed Stark’s parents.”
“Shit.” Brock led him through his apartment to the living room where they both sat down on the couch. James had very fond memories of this couch. They had ended up here on the first night and had only made to the bed for round two.
“Steve’s asked me about before I remembered it but now that I do I don’t want to tell him.”
“Because he was friends with Howard Stark? Don’t give me that look, I may have skimmed one or two books about Rogers when he was assigned to my team.”
“Did you read about me too?”
“Just your Wikipedia article. You look a lot better with short hair.”
James smiled at that. “I didn’t kill them directly. I was on the road, unmasked and Howard recognized me. He swerved off the road and down a cliff. They were already dead when I got there.”
“They would’ve died whether or not Howard Stark had recognized you. That was your mission. And you hold a 99% success score for a reason.”
“Sometimes I wish I didn’t. Maybe they’d have let me die then.”
“As Zola’s only successful recreation of the super soldier serum? They’d have never let you die.”
James leaned his back against Brock’s chest and Brock automatically wrapped his arms around him.
“I want to tell Steve”, James said eventually.
“About Stark’s dad?”
“About us.” He could feel Brock stiffen beneath him. “It’s been over a year. He’s my best friend. I want to tell him.”
“This is revenge, isn’t it? Win my trust, make me fall for your pretty face and then throw me to the wolves. Considering how much time you spend with Romanov, I should’ve seen this coming.”
James laughed. “She knows actually.”
“You told her?”
“She caught us, right the first time we kissed. She had gotten suspicious about where I vanished to once a week.”
“How am I still alive?”
/
“Hey Bucky, what’s up?” Steve asked when James sat down at the kitchen table opposite him.
“I need to tell you something. And I need you to listen to me instead of jumping to conclusions”, James said.
“Okay”, Steve replied.
“Do you remember Brock Rumlow?”
Steve’s face darkened immediately. “Of course, why, did he…?” James gave him a pointed look and Steve closed his mouth. “Sorry.”
“I’m seeing him, have been seeing him for a year.” He did the math in his head. “Bit more than a year actually.”
“What?”
“And before you ask, he didn’t coerce me into it and nothing ever happened between us while I was Hydra’s prisoner.”
Steve kept his word. Instead of going with his first instinct he thought James’ words over. Eventually he asked, “Why?”
James shrugged. “I like him. And it’s good to have someone who knows what I went through.”
He could see on Steve’s face that the thought had never entered his head. The idea of a connection between James and Rumlow that was based on shared experiences had been unfathomable. “You can’t trust him.”
“I know him better than you do. I had a lot of handlers during the last 70 years. They all took advantage of the fact that I couldn’t and wouldn’t fight back no matter what they did to me. Every single one of them except Brock.”
“And that’s enough?” Steve asked doubtfully.
“That’s plenty”, James answered. “Look, I know there’s bad blood between you and I’m not asking you to forget what he did. But I need you to accept that I want this relationship and that you won’t interfere with it.”
“I just want you to be safe.”
“I don’t want to be safe, just free.”
/
Just because Steve had promised him not to interfere, didn’t mean he couldn’t send someone else to try and change James’ mind, so he wasn’t exactly surprised when Sam asked to talk with him a few days later. By that time his relationship with Rumlow had become public knowledge amongst the team.
“Are you here because Steve sent you?” James asked.
To his surprise Sam shook his head. “Natasha did. She thinks you’re being manipulated.”
“I’m not.”
“Are you sure?”
“As sure as I can be. I want this. Even if it ends up blowing up in my face. I know you’re concerned but I have the right to make wrong decisions too.”
“Fair enough.” Sam replied. “You should bring him over some time, maybe have him pick you up or drop you off so the others can get used to his presence in your life. I mean Steve, Natasha and Clint won’t forgive him anytime soon for the whole Hydra thing but Thor may like the whole ‘love reforms’ angle of your relationship and Scott’s all about giving people second chances.”
“And you?” He knew that Brock and Sam had fought, that Brock had almost executed him before that.
Sam shrugged. “I can probably tolerate him as long as he’s not spouting any Hydra philosophy or tries to kill me again.”
“That’s not really his job anymore anyway.”
/
He didn’t exactly follow Sam after their conversation but he knew sooner or later Sam would talk with Steve and he wanted to hear what he had to say about it.
“What did he say?” Steve asked.
“The same thing he told you and Natasha. I think he loves him. And I think you should let him be”, Sam said. At Steve’s expression he added, “I know Rumlow is the guy who tried to kill us multiple times. But Bucky seems to think pretty highly of him in a way he doesn’t speak about other Hydra agents.”
“It could be a ruse.”
“It could be”, Sam agreed. “But like Bucky said, freedom includes the possibility to make the wrong choice.”
“I can’t just stand by and let it happen. Not after all that happened.”
“I think Bucky meant it when he said he wouldn’t forgive you for interfering.”
He knocked on the doorframe to let them know that he was there.
Sam looked between James and Steve and then excused himself.
“Hey”, James said.
“Hey”, Steve replied. The silence lasted for a few moments until Steve said, “Sam says you love him.”
James nodded. “He’s right.”
“And does he love you?”
“All evidence points that way.”
“I just don’t want you to be hurt again.”
“That’s not something you can protect me from.”
“I can try.”
“Not this time. I don’t want you to.”
“Okay”, Steve replied. “But if he hurts you all bets are off.”
/
“Rumlow.”
“Rogers.”
Bucky rolled his eyes at the blatant posturing that went on between the two.
“Men”, Natasha scoffed.
“Want to see something fun?” Bucky whispered to her. Natasha’s eyes clearly said ‘bring it on’, so he strutted through the room, grabbed Rumlow by his waistband and pulled him into a kiss. A very dirty kiss, Natasha noticed.
Steve looked as if he was a second away from doing something rash when Bucky finally let go. “Hi”, he said, smirking at Rumlow.
Nothing really changed. Steve still looked like he had swallowed a lemon whenever James mentioned Brock. Natasha still reminded him daily that she could and would kill Brock as soon as he made James unhappy, usually with Clint adding that he knew how to get rid of a body.
He and Brock continued mostly as before except that James now kept a few things at Brock’s place and Brock came over to the Tower once a month or so.
Perhaps this was the worst mistake he’d ever made. Maybe it was going to be his great love story.
It was probably something in between and he was glad he’d one day see which it was.