Chapter Text
Chapter 1: Endings
“There’s a battle ahead
Many battles are lost
But you’ll never see the end of the road
While your travelling with me”
Remus Lupin: June 29, 1978
This was really the end
It was a thought that had been plaguing Remus Lupin for weeks, and now he had to face it. He knew it wasn’t true, that there would be a myriad of new adventures waiting for him and his friends once they left Hogwarts. But at that point in time, he really couldn’t picture what life would be like outside the school he’d called home for the past 7 years.
In the meantime though, life had to go on, so Remus pushed his existential dread into the back of his head and tried to enjoy the little time he had left at Hogwarts. But tomorrow, that was all going to come to an end. Tomorrow, they would get on the train from Hogwarts for the last time and start their new lives as adults, Remus hated it. He’d been pretty out of it for a while now, he’d tried to play it off as the aftereffects of the last moon, but it had gotten to the point where his friends couldn’t ignore it.
“ Moony, you’ve barely touched your dinner”, Sirius said, staring at him
He snapped out of his fog to realize that all of his friends were now staring at him, with distinct looks of concern on their faces.
“ Oh, sorry, just not that hungry, that’s all”, Remus mumbled.
Sirius’s face grew even more worried, “ you’re not hungry.”
Remus knew that Sirius was only looking out for him, and if he was being completely honest a good conversation with his boyfriend probably would have made him feel a lot better. But he was way too exhausted to explain how he felt. Besides, they were eating dinner in the great hall, and while he might have enjoyed a talk with Sirius, he didn’t really fancy airing out his problems to the entire Gryffindor table.
“Yeah, must’ve eaten too much at lunch”, he said as he got up from the table, leaving his plate nearly untouched.
Sirius pleaded with him to sit back down and enjoy his dinner, but he knew that he was in too deep to get out of this situation without explaining himself to everyone, so he left. He moved slowly towards the dorms, his joints clicking as he walked. Remus had noticed that lately full moons had been weighing down on him, even with the marauders’ help. He suddenly felt a pang of guilt for snapping at his friends like that, after all they’d done to support him, and he cringed at the dawning realization that he’d just fucked up his last dinner at Hogwarts.
Remus’s head started to pound as his thoughts began to spin out of control. He sat down so as to not lose his balance and dropped his head into his hands. He prayed to god that no one saw him, but he didn’t have the courage to look up and make sure. Tears began to well in his eyes as his headache worsened and his thoughts became so loud he felt like they were screaming at him.
Seriously, after all that they’ve done for you, you go off and treat them like this , one voice scoffed.
You know you don’t deserve them, they only stick with you out of pity , another continued.
“Stop it…please”, Remus whispered, but it did nothing to help.
You’re nothing without them ... If they knew who you really were... Everyone would be better off without you … You’re not a good person … You’re not a person … You’re a monster.
The voices continued to taunt him.
You’re a monster Remus … You know it’s true... You’re a monster.
monster
monster
Monster
MONSTER
MONSTER
MONSTER!
“moony? ”
…..
“Moony, are you ok?”
The softer, gentler voice broke through the cacophony, compelling Remus to look up. Sirius was standing on the step below him, his mop of curly black hair falling onto his face as he glared down at Remus. He took a deep breath and mustered up the courage to meet the other boy's eyes. Remus was surprised to see that Sirius did not look furious at him, but was instead eyeing him like a concerned mother ( Remus didn’t know if that was better or worse). He could also see that Sirius looked as though he was awaiting an answer from him, so he deduced that he’d missed a question or two during his “episode”.
“Sorry, were you asking me something?”, he said weakly.
“Just checking to make sure you’re ok, you know you gave us all a bit of a scare when you ran off like that”
“Oh … sorry, but really I’m fi-”, he stopped himself. “No lying” he thought, lying would only make everything worse.
“ erm… if I’m being honest Pads I’m not doing so great, actually I kind of feel like shit right now”, Remus chuckled as he wiped a tear from his eye.
Sirius grinned and sat down beside Remus, “Really!, well I’d never have guessed that”.
Both of them laughed at that for a minute.
“So”, Sirius said, “ Do you want me to piss off or would you like to talk about it, I’d strongly suggest the latter”.
Remus looked at the students beginning to make their way up the staircase and thought for a moment.
“Not here”, he said, “Don’t want the wrong person listening in on us”.
“Fair enough”, said Sirius, helping Remus to his feet.
They made their way to the dormitories in silence, as neither of them really felt like talking until they were in a private space. Remus realized pretty quickly that whatever had happened at the stairwell had drained all of his energy, so he was relying pretty heavily on Sirius to keep himself upright. Sirius didn't seem to notice this though, or if he did, he didn’t care.
When they got to the dorm room Remus collapsed onto his bed almost immediately. By that point he was downright exhausted and probably would have fallen asleep right then and there if Sirius hadn’t interrupted him quick enough.
“Hey, not so fast there Moony, I promise I won’t keep you up for too long.”
Remus opened his eyes and reluctantly got up from his pillow. Sirius plopped down beside him and swung his arm around Remus’s shoulder.
“So love, what’s been on that beautiful mind of yours.”
Remus sighed, he felt much less prepared for this conversation that he did a few minutes ago.
“I mean, it’s really nothi-”
“Don’t”, Sirius interrupted.
Remus tensed up a bit, he knew that his unavailability when it came to emotions was a bone of contention for Sirius, who wore his heart on his sleeve. But although Remus struggled to be open, he loved Sirius enough that he had to try.
“I guess I’m just … kind of scared”, he finally said.
“Aw Moony, you don’t have to feel ashamed about that. The war’s got us all terrified, and I know that it’s-”
“ It’s not just that”, Remus blurted, before Sirius could finish what he was saying
Sirius stopped talking and gave Remus a look that told him to go on
“I don’t know what I’m going to do”, he explained. “After this shit with the war is done, if we survive. I mean you lot all have dreams and prospects, Pete’s going to the ministry, Prongs is going to be a quidditch star, Marls was born to be a healer, and you’re Sirius fucking Black, you can do anything you bloody want to.”
Sirius grinned at that
“But me… I just can’t picture what’s out there for me after all this is done. Sometimes I wonder if there even is a life for me, and sometimes I wonder if I even deserve-”
He was crying now, shit.
Sirius pulled him into a hug, “Oh Moony, you know you’re smarter than any of us. I’m sure know matter what happens there’s something good waiting out there for you”.
Remus felt a warmth grow in his chest. Was it cliche, sure, was it cheesy, definitely, but it was Sirius, and Sirius always made him feel better. He and Sirius sat in silence for a few moments, something Remus knew Sirius found difficult, but always helped to calm Remus down. Sirius’s face dropped a little bit, as if there was something he really wanted to say but had decided against it. Remus was admittedly a bit relieved at that, as the conversation they’d just had had already taken a lot out of him, and he really wasn’t up for another one.
Remus felt himself beginning to doze off and laid his head down on the bed. Sirius followed, making sure that he laid down facing Remus. They moved a little closer to each other and Remus ran his fingers through Sirius’s long, beautiful hair.
“How come you’re so confident all the time”, Remus remarked
“ I dunno, I guess it must be a part of my charm”
Remus laughed and then kissed Sirius gently on the forehead.
“I love you,” Remus whispered.
“I know, I love you too.”
Though the sun was just beginning to set, Remus and Sirius decided that they were in for the night, Remus was happy to have as much time with Sirius as possible before they left. He was still a little unsure, a little worried about what was yet to come. But for now, he had love, he had friends, and he had Sirius, and that was what he needed.