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“How is it? What do I do?”
There, Atsumu Miya was looking at Osamu Miya’s eyes. His grey-haired twins only blinked. If that person in trouble did not know what to do, how could he know?
“What do you mean how do I do? Tsumu, fuck you. If you do not know what to do, how am I supposed to know?!”
The yelling made Atsumu go silent. Right. Why did he bother to ask his younger twin even though he himself did not know what to do?
It was his problem. His and his lover’s problem. Not Osamu’s.
Wait.
Did he just say his lover?
“Samu,” said Atsumu slowly. “Can I say that Hinata is my... lover?”
And Atsumu could see how Osamu held his breath deeply. Too deep.
“No, Tsumu. Not yet.”
Osamu answered too fast. It wasn’t even 1 second after Atsumu asked the question. But, Atsumu knew why he responded in a blink of an eye.
“Tsumu, you know that you cannot call him your lover, yet, correct?” Osamu asked back. “But you only need a validation. You only need someone to say what’s going on your mind is right.”
Ah, sometimes Atsumu hated this so twins telepathy. Osamu knew him too well; he hated it sometimes as that grey-haired man seemed to know everything that went inside him.
“Wait, you called him Hinata, not Shoyo,” Osamu bickered again. “Do you talk to him?”
The last question made Atsumu Miya went blank. “What?” he asked while turning his head to face Osamu.
“Do you talk to him already, Atsumu Miya?”
... and it made Atsumu Miya go into the darkness of an abyss.
There was no answer. Osamu Miya sighed very long–too long, even–as he didn’t know what to do anymore with his twin brother. He really wanted to sell him, sometimes.
“I think, what you must do now is talk to him.” said the grey-haired man. He didn’t look at Atsumu; only wandered around.
This time, Atsumu was the one who sighed. “What should I say...? You know, Samu, I’m not good at words.”
“But you must,” Osamu almost yelled at him. “You must use your shabby words to let him know what’s going inside your little brain.”
Atsumu frowned. No. It wasn’t because Osamu was wrong. He was right and Atsumu hated it. Their problem wasn’t that big, actually. However, they lacked communication.
It was a long-distance relationship, and them are lack of communication.
A disaster. Atsumu thought.
In the first week, when Hinata Shoyo moved to another part of the earth, they still had the usual conversation. Despite the difference in times, they still tried their best to contact each other.
Sending good morning, and replying with good night was casual; it became a habit.
However, both of them got tired and bored.
Or, that was just Atsumu’s assumption.
Atsumu never told what was going on in his mind bluntly to Shoyo. He did not want to. Shoyo already had so much on his plate; education, GPA, work, family, and scholarship. Atsumu did not want to bother him more with his... kinda meaningless... thought.
But, it burned Atsumu down.
The assumption went to his mind, slowly turned to his heart and reached his deepest soul.
Burning it into ashes.
Atsumu knew before it completely burned, he needed to take the pool of water. He needed to sink his body in it.
He understood it, but never took the chance even when there were many.
He, with full awareness, volunteered in the fiery abyss that engulfed every piece of earth.
Because he was not willing to reach the water, which already bore too many.
Yes, the water that could prevent Atsumu Miya from burning completely was Hinata Shoyo.
“Hey, Tsumu,” Osamu called; Atsumu faced him. “Do you know a song entitled Close as Strangers?”
“What? No.” Atsumu blinked as he answered.
“Listen to that song,” Osamu looked at Atsumu’s eyes which starred like a night star. “I think that song is a description of you and Hinata.”
Osamu described the song. “You two are separated by the timezone; the earth itself. There’s a whole difference now. Both of you are sinking; drowning away, but still trying your best, to make it better. For it to not break apart. For it to stay as better as the past.”
Osamu stared into the night sky. Ignoring Atsumu who froze hearing his words. “But it feels like talking on a broken line. Both of you never dared to go into the deeper part; and never had the bravery to bring up the heavy topic. Yes, it went well like always, but, you do realise that it’ll slowly burn you down in the assumption that your heart made, right?”
Osamu paused. A second pause could make Atsumu shiver.
However, the continuation made Atsumu drown in the river of regret.
“If you do not wanna talk to him; if you do not take the chance, waste it as same as these past times; if you do not show bravery to bring up the heavy burden inside you; sooner, both of you will become a stranger again. Or perhaps, just like the song, the close as strangers.”
-
As Atsumu knew already he couldn’t waste his time more. If he waited more, the chance might disappear completely. Believing in Osamu, with all the bravery left on his side, where there was still time for both of them to talk through the phone as his beloved took time off, Atsumu brought the question wandering on his little brain.
“Shoyo…,” Atsumu squeaked. Although he told himself to be brave, he still didn’t have much faith in himself. He was a coward and everyone knew it.
Hinata smiled at him through the phone and answered with the most affectionate tone Atsumu had ever heard. “Yes, ‘Tsumu? I’m here, dear.”
Atsumu thought he would burst up if he didn’t remember the purpose of this video call. Hinata Shoyo was just too… soft. He, despite being loud sometimes, was the most soft-spoken person Atsumu ever met, and that person belonged to him.
Or, did he?
“I wanna talk to you about something,” Atsumu looked away. He couldn’t face that bright smile while bringing up these so-called heavy topics Osamu said last night. “Do you have time…?”
“You do know that I am taking time off today, so, yes,” Hinata answered quickly.
“How do you feel about us these days?” Atsumu blinked at Hinata for seconds, but then, he looked away again. “About… our relationship?”
“What do you mean, Atsumu?”
He asked from the phone, and Atsumu couldn’t look at him at all even though he missed him so fucking much. He wanted to, but he just couldn’t. His heart wasn’t strong enough to see his expression. To see something that wasn’t going as he expected.
And right now, Atsumu regretted the decision to talk about their relationship via video call as he felt he had been dragged down into the bottomless valley of false expectation and hope.
Hinata Shoyo knew already that in these past days, which slowly changed into months, his relationship with Atsumu Miya began to deteriorate. Although his friends told him that he wasn’t the sensitive type, The fourth week after he moved to another side of the world, Hinata understood that Atsumu Miya was thinking something.
It made him wonder about what was going on inside his lover’s tiny head, but he never dared to ask.
It was Hinata’s decision to move to another country as he got accepted here with a full scholarship. Hinata told Atsumu first, of course, but he never asked about his point of view about him going abroad; which means their relationship changed into a long-distance relationship.
Hinata thought that it was fine. As long as they kept updating about each other’s activities and trying to communicate every day, their relationship would be fine. That was what Hinata thought at first. He didn’t know that the time difference could change their condition to a great extent.
When Hinata sent a ‘good morning’, Atsumu would reply with a ‘good evening’; then, they would start talking about how Hinata started the day. In the first week, it seemed interesting for both of them as they began a new journey. Hinata would tell Atsumu what he did in the first morning at a new city and Atsumu would reply with great excitement – even asking for a picture of every Hinata’s move.
That went smoothly in the first and second weeks. The third week went as usual, although the excitement wasn’t much anymore. It all began on the fourth week when Hinata felt he got tired of always keeping up with Atsumu while he had a full schedule: part-time, college, assignments, assistance, and others. Hinata knew he shouldn’t feel that way as Atsumu also tried his best to match his schedule and understand him, however, the tiring feeling never disappeared.
Hinata Shoyo got tired and bored, never told his partner, and did everything in a makeshift manner. Making the distance between them widen.
And, when Atsumu asked those questions, Hinata Shoyo couldn’t find any word to explain the situation, except asking back:
“What do you mean, Atsumu?”
-
And today, on week twenty-four when Hinata took a break from all of his part-time jobs, the first thing he heard while having a video call with Atsumu was about their relationship...
... which now breaking apart.
“It means literally,” Atsumu paused. Hinata could see how Atsumu tried so hard to look away from him. “About us. Our relationship. I think... it’s not only the physical distance that going widen, but also... our heart.”
Hinata Shoyo couldn’t give a response, except agreeing with Atsumu’s words in silence.
“Please, don’t get me wrong,” Atsumu immediately continued speaking. “I still love you. Until now. However, we seem distant these days.”
“We still talk to each other, yes; we still ask for each other’s condition, yes; we still try to keep up with each other’s schedule, yes. However, do we really mean it? For me, it looks like the communication we have is just a formality, as we’re still tied in a relationship.”
Once again, Hinata only sunk in silence. Atsumu was right. Hinata also felt the same. Every morning, he would text Atsumu a good morning and tell him his schedule; Atsumu would reply with “Fighting!”; “I’m cheering on you!”; “Please keep me updated!”; or “Alright, I’ll wait for you here.”, but that was it. Hinata would do the same if Atsumu told him a piece of detailed information about what was going on in his day.
They replied, but that was just a formality. No excitement anymore.
Hinata felt tired, while Atsumu was shrinking in the lake of tiredness made by his lover.
It was suffocating.
For both of them.
“Shoyo,” Atsumu called again, bringing out Hinata from his daydream.
“The formalities we have making me lost,” Atsumu blinked from the other side of the phone. “Every night, in the face of thousands of people I meet every day, I am losing you.”
Hinata’s eyes met Atsumu’s sparkly eyes, which now looked teary. Then, here, Hinata could hear a word that weighed tons, falling into him;
“I don’t know who you are anymore, Shoyo.”
There was a long silence. Both Hinata Shoyo and Atsumu Miya were lost in their own thoughts. It took minutes for them to process the information; the reality; the fact that hitting them harshly. Without warning.
After passing through the suffocating silence, Hinata was the one who broke it. “Do you want to fix it, Tsumu?”
There, Atsumu smiled. Neither the gentle one nor the sincere one. It was a smile of bitterness.
“Not me, Shoyo. That was my question. Do you want to fix us?”
And, once again, Hinata was slapped by reality through his lover’s words.
“We’re talking on a broken line, aren’t we?” Atsumu sighed. The bitter smile stayed there, making Hinata feel irritated. “Osamu said to me since the fourth week, but I just didn’t listen.”
Hinata shut his mouth, letting Atsumu finish his words.
“He said that our relationship would end sooner if I couldn’t talk to you quickly. However, how could I bring the topic where I am such a coward?” Atsumu laughed quietly, making fun of himself. “He said that we’d become a stranger again, sooner, if I, we, didn’t make a conversation. But, from the very start, I think both of us are avoiding this topic. Both of us are afraid and then choose to not care that much. However, it makes us miserable; our relationship is on the brink. Take the slightest misstep, either I or you will fall, and us will end.”
Atsumu dared to look at Hinata. This time, that smile faded away, replaced with tears that fell on his cheeks. “We already talked on a broken line, Shoyo. There was nothing to fix, although me or you want it.”
Atsumu was right. It was not the first time that Atsumu tried to ask him about the heavier topic, but Hinata chose to ignore it. He was too tired to go into an argument or heavier topic of a conversation, thus, he chose not to pay a single attention.
However, that was the wrong decision and he now knew it.
He made both of them diving into the sea of darkness, trying to look for each other hands, but never found it as it was pitch dark; he made both of them cling to a tiny rope called relationship, trying to hold it tightly so they wouldn’t fall; he made both of them walking side by side with an abyss, trying to predict where to step when there was not a right step from the start.
If Atsumu said that he was a coward, then Hinata was lower than a coward, as he chose to ignore all the signs Atsumu had been giving.
And right now, they were talking about their shabby relationship. Hinata couldn’t do anything, except make fun of himself and his idiocy.
“Do we really cannot fix this, Tsumu?” That was a rhetorical question. Hinata understood damn well that there was nothing to fix. He needed to fix himself first.
Atsumu loved him. And he knew.
Did he still love Atsumu? Even he himself wasn’t sure about the answer.
Thus, he understood pretty well that they couldn’t fix anything if he still felt that way to his now-called lover.
“No,” Atsumu’s tears stopped already. “We cannot, Shoyo, at least for now.”
Hinata agreed. Atsumu was mature enough to understand their situation. Both of them are tired, suffocated by a situation they made themselves, and really need a break. However, that break was not literal, but ....
“Let’s fix each other first, shall we?” Hinata asked gently. He smiled at Atsumu who wiped his tears away. “After we fix ourselves, if there’s still a tiny hope of love we feel inside our hearts, let’s come back and start everything over, shall we?”
Hinata hoped that Atsumu would say yes to his offer, and after seconds of silence, the blond-haired man nodded.
“Yes. Let’s do it.”
With that, the video call ended, along with their relationship.
Ah, Hinata Shoyo hoped he would that Atsumu was fine there, in Japan.
He hoped it with all his heart, sincerely, while not knowing that Atsumu was breaking apart.
Atsumu loved Hinata Shoyo, too much, he couldn’t bear it.
However, Atsumu also knew that Hinata’s love had run out.
There was nothing for Atsumu to fix within himself, his love remained the same.
However, Hinata was not. He changed greatly, Atsumu didn’t know who he was anymore.
Still, Atsumu loved him. Despite whoever Hinata become.
However, they would never be able to walk again if they stayed. Their relationship would never go anywhere. They would stand still, drifting along, until ended up drowning in the unattainable expectations that had been created.
Therefore, they must say goodbye. Became a stranger, fixed themselves, and started a new page.
But, Atsumu Miya wasn’t a friend of the word ‘goodbye’. Moreover, it was side by side with Hinata Shoyo.
It was too much for him to bear. The pain was eating away at him from the inside. It made him feel like he was being swallowed up, angry at the pain, but unable to vent.
There was nothing he could do, except here alone, inside the apartment room, on the bed Hinata gave him as a gift for their fourth anniversary after working hard to obtain it; he cried silently, mourning the pieces of his heart that were broken almost beyond recognition in the name of love that Hinata Shoyo had once offered to Atsumu Miya.