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It was the first time since he got to El Paso that Eddie didn’t have to try to convince his son to go run errands with him. All he wanted to do was spend time with Chris. It had been such a fight all month, but they were finally in a good place. Chris just wasn’t ready to go back, so Eddie wasn’t either.
They went to get groceries and out for lunch. They passed some little stores on the short walk back to Ramon’s truck (that Eddie was borrowing while in town) and Eddie suddenly stopped in his tracks.
“What’s wrong, Dad?” Chris asked.
Eddie didn’t hear him. He was too busy staring at the window display of a rack of postcards. Well, one postcard in particular. It had a beautiful picture of El Paso at night lit up by lightning striking in the background.
Eddie couldn’t move, couldn’t form a thought or sentence. The only thing on his mind was his best friend, just over 800 miles away in LA, and the night he died for 3 minutes and 17 seconds (yes, Eddie counted).
It was like his brain was on autopilot as his body pulled him into the little shop. He needed to buy the postcard, remembering that Buck used to send Maddie postcards all the time before he moved to LA.
He didn’t know why he remembered that or why that meant he had to buy said postcard. Yet, he was already at the checkout before his brain could really register what was happening.
His brain began to clear up as he approached the door to go outside. Chris was standing inside, looking at his dad with worry all over his face. Eddie wondered how he didn’t notice that his son had followed him in.
“Dad? Are you okay?” Chris asked.
Eddie patted him on the shoulder.
“Yeah, mijo. Just saw something I wanted to buy quick. All good.”
“What’s so important about a postcard? You used to live here. It doesn’t seem all that exciting to me.” They began the walk to Eddie’s truck again. They were almost there.
Eddie shrugged. “I’m not sure I really know yet. I just felt like I needed to buy it, I guess. Plus, the picture’s kind of cool. Maybe I’ll hang it up or something.”
The drive home had been pretty quiet. Eddie was lost in his own mind, and Chris didn’t want to ask about it. They had finally figured things out, but things were still rocky sometimes. This felt like something big Chris shouldn’t ask about.
They spent most nights not really in the same room but that was more because Chris was a teenager and wanted more space and time to himself.Eddie took this opportunity to shut himself in the guest room (Chris had moved into Eddie’s old room) and take another look at the postcard.
He sat down on the bed, leaning against the wall to try to get comfortable. As he pulled the postcard out of the bag, his hands began to shake. He wasn’t sure why. There was something about it, something that was both terrifying and fascinating at the same time. It was just a piece of paper with a picture on it, so why and how was it affecting him this way?
It came in flashes, just like the lightning on the piece of paper he was staring at.
“Go get ‘em, Cowboy.”
“BUCK! BUCK!”
One, two, three…
3 minutes and 17 seconds. His heart stopped for 3 minutes and 17 seconds.
“Eddie, you’re driving.”
“Do better!”
Eddie felt like all the breath had been knocked out of him. “Fuck,” he quietly breathed out. In for 4, hold for 7, out for 8. In for 4, hold for 7, out for 8. Repeat, repeat, repeat. 3 minutes and 17 seconds.
What did this all mean? Why did he buy this stupid postcard that reminded him of the worst night of his life? Why was it an instinct for him? And why did he want to write something to his best friend on it? Why was the worst night of his life when his best friend died and not when his son left? Or when his wife died?
Oh. Oh.
Fuck.
No that couldn’t be it. There’s no way. …Right? There’s no way that’s possible. Unless… No. That’s not it. Nope. He doesn’t want that. It’s not right. Not for him. It can’t happen to him. He likes women. Doesn’t he?
Eddie couldn’t deal with that right now. He shook his head and stood up, the postcard still in hand.
He went over to the desk in the room and sat down, still staring at the bolts of lightning. They were similar to the pattern that was left behind on Buck’s chest in the form of Lichtenburg figures.
It was weird. All he could think of right now was Buck, Buck, Buck. He closed his eyes to stop looking at the lightning and yet it was the same thing. Buck, Buck, Buck.
His leg began to bounce. Eddie set the postcard down on the desk and covered his face with his hands, trying to calm himself down. He didn’t know what was happening right now. His heart was racing, he felt sick. Buck, Buck, Buck.
Buck’s smile, his laugh, the way he could talk about absolutely anything and Eddie would love to listen to him. He could listen to Buck talk for hours on end. He wanted to listen to Buck talk for hours on end. He never wanted to stop.And now they were 800 miles apart with opposite schedules and talked when they could.
God, Eddie missed Buck.
He opened his eyes and looked at the postcard again. He knew what he needed to do. He needed to write to Buck. Not just send a text. He needed to write.
He grabbed a pen from the cup on the desk and began to write:
Buck,
It’s been a month since I left LA. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. I just kind of feel like I have to. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever even send it or that you’ll ever see it. I was out with Chris today and I saw this postcard. Thought of you. Miss you. Maybe one day I
He stopped writing. He couldn’t finish that sentence. He didn’t like where it was going. He wasn’t.
He couldn’t. He was happy with his life now. Wasn’t he?
He left the postcard unfinished on his desk and went to bed. He would never send that postcard.
He’d never throw it away, either.
When Eddie woke up the next morning, he went about his day, the usual. Text Buck good morning and check on him and his day, say goodbye to Chris as Helena went to drop him off at school, eat breakfast, get ready for work. He’d managed to get a successful transfer to a different firehouse in El Paso. He hated it. No Buck.
As he got ready for work, he refused to look at the postcard on the desk. He wouldn’t look at it because he wasn’t gay. He wasn’t. Just like he wasn’t in love with his best friend.
Push it down. Push it all down and it’ll go away.
When has it ever been that easy?
It had been a couple weeks since he bought the postcard. A couple weeks of (failed) repression. A couple weeks of trying to accept this possible new reality among the boring routine of his everyday life in El Paso. A couple weeks of research. A couple weeks of accepting. A couple weeks of slowly coming to terms with who he was as if it was a sickness he couldn’t cure (in a way it was).
A couple weeks of realizing that he was, in fact, in love with his best friend.Eddie talked to Buck like normal every day. It was the only normal thing about any of this. He missed him more every day. Unfortunately, he had to wait for Chris to be ready to go home before he could go back to the place he called home. To the person that he realized was his home.
It happened the following Tuesday. The 7th week of being in El Paso. Chris finally told his dad that he wanted to go home.
After nearly 8 months of Chris living in a different state, he was finally ready to go back home.
Finally.
Eddie booked the tickets that night. The soonest flight he could get was Thursday. He could survive another two days of hell with his parents. He’d made it almost two months already.
Normally he hated packing. He’d always put it off until the last minute. Usually, he was packing to go for a weekend trip to El Paso. This time, he was packing to go home. Home. Buck. He was so excited. He had so much to tell Buck. He decided the only thing he wouldn’t tell Buck was that he was in love with him. God, he was so in love.
He put in his notice at his new station and said he was going back to LA. It had already been prearranged that he wouldn’t have to give 2 weeks’ notice and that he could go back 118 when he needed to. He couldn’t wait to go back to work with his family. He couldn’t wait to see Buck.
He spent all day Wednesday packing up his things and Chris’ things while Chris was at his last day at his school in El Paso. He left his things for last because he had less to pack up.
Once he’d packed everything up, Eddie checked around to make sure nothing would be left behind.
He didn’t want to have to come back here or contact his parents for anything for a while.
He was checking over the desk and realized the postcard wasn’t there. He hadn’t remembered packing it up but figured that’s what had been done, and it was in one of his bags. He wanted to keep it to remember the night he first started to realize who he might be. (He’s a sentimental guy, sue him. Oh, wait Buck already did that…)It was an early flight Thursday morning. Eddie could hardly sleep the night before but he didn’t care.
He just wanted to go home, and he was so happy his son was going with him.
He hadn’t told anyone besides his captain in El Paso and his parents that he was going back to LA.
He wanted it to be a surprise. Not telling Buck was killing him but part of Eddie was scared that maybe Buck wouldn’t care that Eddie was coming back, that maybe he’d gotten a new partner Buck hadn’t told him about that he was best friends with instead.
Sure, he and Buck talked every day and called multiple times a week. But what if he was still hiding the fact that Eddie had been replaced? This was the only roadblock in this whole situation. To Eddie, at least.
The flight had been pretty normal, nothing too crazy. Chris had his headphones on the whole time.
Eddie mostly just stared out the window, anxious to be back.
Eddie texted Buck when they landed, asking him if he could pick them up from the airport. After a string of gibberish of what Buck called ‘keyboard smashes’ he agreed and said he’d be there ASAP to pick up his favorite people.
It really hit then. They were back in LA. Both of them, he and Chris. And Eddie was about to see Buck for the first time since he’d realized he was in love with him. Oh.
Buck got there in record time. There was no way he hadn’t sped to be there to pick Eddie and Chris up.
The moment Eddie saw him he knew. He knew what he’d been trying to repress for so long was standing right in front of him, beaming at his kid. At their kid.
Buck immediately ran towards Chris and gathered him up in a hug even though Chris was almost as tall as Eddie now. There were tears in his eyes as he hugged Chris. Eddie realized he was no better off as his vision began to blur at the sight of Buck and Chris hugging.
When Buck finally let go, his eyes met Eddie’s and Eddie felt like he couldn’t breathe (in a good way). He couldn’t move even though all he wanted to do was run to Buck and hug him and never let go.
Buck moved first, he didn’t run this time, though. He walked slowly towards Eddie, but his pace quickened the closer he got. Eddie met him in the middle and was wrapped in a crushing hug and suddenly he could breathe again. Home. He’d made it. He melted into it, never wanted to let go.
“You’re here,” Buck said quietly next to Eddie’s ear as he hugged a little tighter.
“Yeah,” Eddie breathed out, letting himself soak up the hug while it lasted.Buck pulled away first as if suddenly remembering that Chris was there too. They both came back to reality.
“Well, should we get you both home, then?” Buck asked, picking up Chris’ bag.
And oh, home. Eddie was already home because he had all he needed right here. But he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little excited to see the house that he’d grown so fond of. The one that had grown into a home.
“Home sounds great,” Eddie replied fondly.
Buck dropped Chris’ bag and wrapped him in another quick hug.
“God, I’m so glad you’re home Chris. We missed you here.” He lets go but not before planting a quick kiss on the top of Chris’ head.
Buck turned to Eddie to add, “both of you.” He kissed Eddie as if it was the most natural thing to do, as if they did this all the time, and then brought him in for one last hug before letting go and grabbing Chris’ bag again.
“Alright, let’s get you home,” he said as he walked towards the exterior doors of the airport to where his Jeep was parked in the pickup zone.
Eddie was stunned. He was in shock. Confused as to whether that had just happened or if he’d imagined it. Buck was acting like nothing happened meanwhile, and Chris just looked at Eddie knowingly before giggling and following Buck.
The drive home was full of laughter and smiles. But only between Buck and Chris. Eddie couldn’t help but just watch and admire. He always loved getting to see them interact. Buck and Chris exchanged different stories about things they’d wanted to tell the other about but hadn’t had time, they talked about a new video game that Chris wanted to play with Buck. Buck told Chris about a new book he’d been reading. It was just like old times. Everything just fit so well.
The house was in good condition because Buck had kept it up while Eddie had been gone. He’d all but moved in. The fridge had been stocked and everything.
Buck stayed for dinner (because of course he did). Then he helped Chris unpack his stuff while Eddie unpacked his. He heard them laughing from the other room and couldn’t help but smile. His house was full of laughter again. It was no longer empty like the way he’d left it.
After Chris was all unpacked, Buck let him be and went to go bug Eddie.
Eddie was still in his room, just finishing putting away the last of the stuff from his duffel.Buck leaned against the doorframe, not wanting to disturb Eddie, but also just to admire him. He’d missed him so much. He’d missed this, casual nights spent at the Diaz household. It was his favorite thing. There was no place he’d rather be.
Eddie was frantically searching for something. He didn’t look frantic but Buck could tell that he was frantic.
“What’re you looking for, Eds?”
Eds. Eddie loved when Buck called him that.
“Uhhh nothing. It’s nothing. Just something I thought I’d packed but I guess I must’ve thrown it away or something,” Eddie replied. “Chris all unpacked, then?” Eddie added while continuing to search through all the different pockets on his duffel, still looking for the mystery item.
“Yep. Figured I’d leave him to the rest. Don’t want to hover or anything, y’know?”
Eddie nodded while still searching. “Mhm, yep. I get it.”
“Are you sure you don’t want help looking for whatever it is you’re trying to find?” Buck offered.
Eddie hesitated before responding. It was just a postcard, no big deal. Two pair of eyes are better than one. “Yeah, okay sure. It’s a postcard. It’s got a picture of El Paso at night with-”
“Lightning in the background,” Buck finished for him, sounding a little unsure and something else
Eddie couldn’t quite pick up on.
“Y-yeah. Exactly. How’d you know that?”
Buck pulled out an envelope from his back pocket. Were his hands shaking? No, that was probably just Eddie’s imagination.
He handed Eddie the envelope. It was addressed to Eddie and had Buck’s name and address as the return.
Buck was sort of quiet now, almost timid as Eddie just stared at the envelope.
“What’s this?” Eddie asked.
Buck stepped back a little bit, seeming nervous. “Just open it. It’ll make sense when you open it, I hope.”
Eddie looked down at the envelope and then opened it.
Fuck.
In his hand was the very thing he’d been looking for, with a note attached to it and a little heart colored in on the top left corner. The postcard.
But how?
“H-how did you get this?” Eddie asked, his voice shaky.
“I thought you sent it to me. Was I wrong? Is this not from you?”
Eddie could tell Buck was about to spiral. “No. I mean, yes, technically it’s from me. But I never sent it. I never even addressed it. Or finished writing it, for that matter. I don’t know how you got it or when it disappeared. But I’m not the one that sent it. I-” he cut himself off. Eddie wasn’t quite ready to tell Buck about that night. Not now that he knows Buck has read the postcard.
“Oh. Um, there’s a note on it. You don’t have to read it. I think maybe that I should go, though. I’m sorry.”
Buck grabbed his jacket and began to slip his shoes on before Eddie could really register what was happening.
“No, Buck, wait! Where are you going?”
“Back to my loft.”
His loft. Not home. Because home is there with Eddie, Eddie thinks.
“Oh. You don’t have to. You can stay. I know Chris would love you to stay. And I- I want you to stay too.”
Buck shook his head. “Can’t. Gotta get up early for work tomorrow.”
Eddie thought maybe he sensed some hurt in Buck’s voice. But he didn’t understand why.
“Oh. Um, okay. Stop by tomorrow, then? Or maybe Chris and I could stop by the firehouse tomorrow? We could bring takeout or something.”
“If you want. It’s a 24 so I won’t be here tomorrow. I gotta go. Night, Eddie.” Buck reached for the door.
“Buck, wait. What’s going on? I know work isn’t the issue because we’ve stayed up all night and then gone into work together on no sleep before. If I did something wrong, please just tell me.” Eddie was desperate. He didn’t want Buck to leave. He wasn’t sure what was happening now. It all happened so fast.
“It’s more what you didn’t do. I have to go. Say goodnight to Chris for me and tell him I’ll see him soon.”
Then Buck was out the door and the door shut behind him, leaving Eddie alone and confused.
He looked down at his hands, they were shaking again. This time it was a bad shake. Breathe in, breathe out.
What the fuck just happened?
Breathe in, breathe out.
He sat on his bed, leaning against the headboard. He wanted, no he needed to read this. He needed to know what could possibly be in that letter that lead Buck to leave when they’d just gotten back to LA.Breathe in, breathe out. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to tell anyone what had happened. Eddie gently peeled the piece of tape that connected the note to the postcard so he could open it and read it. He wasn’t sure he was ready to know the fate of his and Buck’s friendship. Breathe in, breathe out.
He began to read:
Eds,
I’m glad you sent it. It’s good to hear from you like this instead of just a text. It feels like it’s been much more than a month since I’ve seen you. If you’re ever out again and see another postcard, think of me. I will too… though I doubt I’d ever have the strength to send it.
Yours, Buck
Tears streamed down Eddie’s face as he read the note over and over again, not sure he could believe his own eyes.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d been crying but he heard a knock followed by Chris’ voice. “Dad? Are you okay?”
Eddie tried to lock up his emotions on command, he really tried. He’d done it so many times. He couldn’t this time, could only manage to calm down some.
He looked up as he wiped away falling tears and saw Chris in the doorway. “Yeah, I’m alright, mijo. You need something?”
“No. I thought I heard somebody crying so I came to check. I find you here and Buck gone. What happened?”
And Eddie contemplated lying and saying nothing. He really did. But he knew that it would get them nowhere when he was crying in front of his son. Plus, they both promised to be better at communicating and being honest with each other about how they were doing.
“I’m really not sure. He started acting weird after he found out I didn’t send him the postcard that he got in the mail. You know, the one that I bought that one day in El Paso? Then he just left. I don’t know why. He wouldn’t tell me. But then I read what he wrote back and now I’m just confused because if he truly felt the way he wrote, why would he just leave?”
“I think it’s the same reason you never sent the postcard,” Chris said.
“And that’s another thing. I’m not even sure how it got sent to him. I never mailed it.”
Chris seemed to contemplate something before speaking again, quieter. “I sent it.”
“What?” Eddie wasn’t sure he heard his son correctly.
Chris was looking down at the floor as he spoke. “I sent the postcard, okay? I just want you to be happy, Dad. Please don’t be mad.”
Eddie sighed. “Mijo, why would you do that?”
“Because you’ve been in love with him for years, Dad. Everybody at school here already thinks you’re married to each other. Everybody in El Paso thought you two were divorced anytime I talked about Buck. He’s like another dad to me. And then when I saw the postcard on the desk, I thought maybe you finally had figured it out. But then it just sat there. So, I decided to send it to Buck. I’m not sorry I sent it but I’m sorry I did it behind your back. I know we promised no more secrets.”
Eddie sighed again. He wasn’t mad at his son. He wasn’t mad that any of this had happened. He was just confused and trying to play catch up. “Wait, everybody at school thinks we’re married? Why didn’t I know this?”
Chris shrugged. “I dunno. You never asked?”
“Ay dios mío,” Eddie mumbled under his breath as he wiped a hand over his face. “Um, okay. So… you know, then?” Eddie didn’t want to just come out and say it.
“What, that you’re gay?” Eddie nodded. “I’ve known that for a while,” Chris said nonchalantly.
“Wha- how? How could you have possibly known before I did?”
Chris shrugged again. “Thought you knew years ago.”
Eddie couldn’t believe Chris was being so calm about this.
“So… you’re okay with this?”
“Of course. You’re still my dad. I just want you to be happy.”
“How did I get so lucky to have the best kid ever? C’mere.” Eddie opened his arms and got off his bed as he went over to hug his son and then planted a kiss on the top of his head.
“Mwah. Love you, kiddo.”
“Love you too, Dad. You should call Buck. He needs to know. And you deserve to be happy.”
“I have a different idea. Think you’ll be okay on your own for a couple hours?”
Chris nearly jumped for joy he got so excited. “You mean you’re going to let me stay here by myself? Hell yeah, I’ll be okay!”
“Language. But yes. If you’re sure you’ll be okay, I’ll let you stay here by yourself.”
“I’ll be okay. I’ll call you if I need anything. But I won’t need anything. I’m 14. I think I can handle staying at home by myself for a couple hours. Now, go.”
Eddie chucked.
“Okay, okay. I’m going. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were just trying to find an excuse to kick me out of my own house this whole time.” Eddie didn’t waste another second and grabbed a jacket and his keys. Then he slipped on his shoes, gave one last hug to his son and practically ran out the door.
The drive to Buck’s felt way longer than usual. Eddie needed to get there immediately. He needed to tell Buck how he felt.
When he finally arrived at Buck’s loft, he knocked on the door. Only, Buck didn’t answer. It was a strange woman he’d never seen before. Eddie’s heart sank to his stomach. He didn’t. Please don’t let him have done that.
“Can I help you?” the woman asked.
Eddie cleared his throat. “Um, is Buck here?”
“Who’s Buck?”
“He lives here.”
The woman looked confused. “No. Nobody named Buck lives here. I’m sorry but I think you’ve got the wrong address.”
She closed the door and left Eddie standing there, dumbfounded. He doubled checked the number on the door to make sure he had the right unit. It was the same as it always was.
Eddie wasn’t sure what to do. Then he remembered Buck and shared his location with Eddie. He checked it. He was at Maddie and Chimney’s. Why would he lie about going home when he was going to visit his sister?
He tried calling Maddie. She picked up on the second ring.
“Hey, sorry. I don’t think now is a great time to talk. Heard you were back in town! Maybe we can catch up later?” Her cheery tone sounded forced.
“Yeah, that’d be great but that’s not why I’m calling. Is Buck there? I knew he wouldn’t pick up if I called the way he left my place. But I came over to his and this strange lady answered the door and said I had the wrong place. I just need to talk to him, Maddie. Please.”
He heard her sigh over the phone, her voice turning quiet. “Yes, he’s here but he’s not doing very well so you better have a good reason for wanting to come over.”
“I want to tell him I’m in love with him too. I mean, he didn’t really say those specific words. But what he wrote to me… If I’m wrong, hang up. But if I’m not, can I please come over? I need to see him. Please.”
It was quiet on the other side for a moment before Maddie spoke again, this time, real excitement in her voice. “Oh my god, Eddie please tell me you’re being serious. That you’re not lying.”
“Why would I lie about this?”
“I don’t know. You know I’m extra protective of my little brother.”
Eddie let out a small laugh. “Yeah, I know. But can I please stop by to see him? I don’t think I can wait any longer and I know he’s probably beating himself up over there. Please.”
“Yes, yes hurry. I’ll make sure Chim and Jee are busy doing something in her room and then I’ll make myself scarce too after I let you in.”
“Thanks, Maddie. I’ll be there soon.”
They said goodbye to each other and then hung up. Eddie didn’t think he’d ever gotten to Maddie and Chim’s place so fast before.
Soon enough, he was knocking on their door. Maddie opened it, beaming.
She greeted him with a hug, pulling him in tight. “Welcome back, Eddie. We missed you here.”
“Thanks, Maddie. I missed being here.” He pulled back from the hug. “I don’t mean to be rude or anything but can we catch up later so I can…” Eddie looked behind her to the couch where Buck was sitting, watching TV and drinking a beer.
“Yes, of course. We’ll catch up later.”
She smiled as Eddie walked in. She closed the door behind him and slipped quietly down the hallway, leaving Eddie alone with Buck.
He grabbed a beer from the fridge, noticing the one in Buck’s hand was almost empty. He approached Buck from behind, too nervous to look him in the eyes right away.
He tapped Buck’s shoulder with the beer, quietly offering it to him.
“Thanks,” Buck said, turning to face Eddie.
“Who was at the d-”
Eddie blushed.
“Eddie.” Buck’s tone was something Eddie could quite figure out.
“Hey,” Eddie replied nervously. “I hope you don’t mind that I’m here. I just want to talk to you.”
“How’d you even know I was here?”
“I went to your loft first but this strange lady answered the door and told me I had the wrong place. Then I remembered you share your location with me so I checked that and saw you were here so I called Maddie.”
“You knew I wouldn’t pick up.”
Eddie nodded.
“I read your letter.” He figured jumping into it would be better than just dragging a conversation on waiting until Buck asked why Eddie was even there.
“Oh,” Buck said and finished off the nearly empty bottle in his hand.
“Um,” Eddie started. Then he stopped himself, not really sure if he should keep going with it. It’s what he wanted and it’s something Chris told him he should do. Here goes nothing.“Did you mean it? What you said?”
“Why else would I write it?” Buck was closed off right now, as if he was trying to protect his heart from Eddie.
“To make fun of me?” Eddie offered and then shrugged.
“I don’t know. It’s been a long day and you leaving threw everything off. I just wanted to spend the night hanging out with my boys and relaxing. Maybe that’s selfish…”
“No,” was all Buck offered back.
“No? No what?”
Buck opened the new beer. “Not selfish. I wanted that too.”
“Then why’d you leave?” Eddie asked as he sat down on the empty cushion next to Buck.
“Why didn’t you send the postcard?”
Eddie sighed. “I wrote that the night I realized everything. That I’m… gay,” the first time he’d said that out loud. “And that I had feelings for my best friend. It was a lot to realize in the span of a half an hour. I think maybe with more time I would’ve sent it or given it to you. But like I said, I hadn’t even finished writing on it before it was sent. I wanted to finish it at least. Which is why I’d been looking for it earlier.”
“Hm.”
Eddie hated that he was the one doing all the talking and not Buck.
Finally, Buck spoke. “Did you mean it? What you wrote?”
“I did. It’s not much but I meant it, what it implied. I thought about you all the time while I was in El Paso. I hated it there without you.”
Buck sat up from his slouched position and set the beer on a coaster on the coffee table in front of him. Then he looked at Eddie. Eddie could tell he’d cried earlier. His heart broke a little. This whole thing had been a huge misunderstanding.
They just looked at each other for a little bit. No talking. Eddie couldn’t really read the expression on Buck’s face. He was very stoic right now, very unlike Buck.
Eddie cleared his throat before breaking the silence again, more nervous than he’d ever been before. “I think I’m in love with you.”
Buck’s face immediately lit up, dropping the stoicism like he’d been waiting for Eddie to say that.
“Yeah?” Buck’s voice was soft.
“Yeah, definitely am,” Eddie replied. He was smiling now too.
“That’s great news because I’m in love with you too, Eds.” Buck was beaming now.Eddie wasn’t sure if he leaned in or if Buck did. Hell, maybe they both did but the next thing he knew is that there was no longer distance between the two of them and that his lips were on Buck’s. Buck was kissing him; he was kissing Buck. Surprisingly not for the first time today. But this one was intentional.
They both melted into it, getting lost in the moment until they needed to come up for air, resting their foreheads against each other.
“I love you so much,” Buck whispered in the air between them.
“I love you too,” Eddie whispered back before pulling away reluctantly. “Question, though.”
Buck tried to follow but Eddie put his hand on his chest.
“What’s up?”
“Why was there a strange woman living in your loft?”
Buck turned beet red, looking down. “Yeah, about that… I kind of don’t live there anymore. I moved out last month… after I got the postcard.”
“Then where have you been staying?”
Buck looked as if he didn’t know if he should answer. “Your house.”
“Yeah, I know you’ve been looking after my place while I was gone but where are you living right now, Buck?”
“I’ve been living at your place.”
Eddie removed his hand from Buck’s chest and moved closer, reaching for Buck’s hands instead.
He hadn’t expected this. “Oh. Really? Why didn’t you say anything?”
Buck shrugged. “Didn’t know when you were coming home. Thought I had plenty of time to find a new place. Lease was up and I was there all the time anyways. So, I figured why not just live there for a little while. I swear the bills got paid though. I took care of everything.”
Eddie’s expression softened more, giving Buck’s hands a small squeeze.
“Buck, baby. Look at me.”
He did. “You should’ve just said something. You didn’t have to keep paying the bills. Especially not by yourself. You’re always welcome at home. You know that. It’s kind of yours too. Well, now it really is. You have a key for a reason. I gave it to you so you could use it. Any time, day or night.”
“I know. But I felt like if I told you, you’d tell me to find my own place to live or something. I couldn’t sleep anywhere else but there. I tried at Bobby and Athena’s, Ravi let me stay in one of his empty units for a night to see how I liked it, Maddie and Chim let me stay here a couple nights. I was never able to get sleep anywhere but at your house. And if you told me to find a different place, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”
Eddie brought one of his hands up to Buck’s face now, cupping his cheek and running his thumb across it.
“Mi amor… I’d never ask you to find a different place to stay. I always want you around. For as long as you want to stay. Okay?” Buck nodded, tears in his eyes.
“Do you want to come home with me, then? Or are you going to spend the night on Maddie and Chim’s couch?” Eddie didn’t want Buck to feel like he didn’t have options even though he wanted Buck to go home with him.
“Home. Home sounds nice.”
Eddie nodded. “Okay, c’mon then. Let’s go home. Chris was asking about you a little while after you left. He’s going to be excited you’re back.”
Buck smiled and brought Eddie in for a hug. “Thank you,” he said quietly.
“Always, mi amor.”
They got up from the couch together. Buck took care of his empty bottles and called for his sister.
“Hey, Mads!”
Maddie yelled back from down the hall. “Yeah, what’s up Buck?”
“We’re leaving. Can I say bye to Jee?”
As if on cue, Maddie came into the living room with Jee trailing behind.
Buch beelined for his niece. “Ohhhhh my favorite girl, there she is! Oh, I gotcha,” he said as he picked her up. “Uncle Buck’s going home with Uncle Eddie, but we’ll visit again soon, okay?”
Jee nodded and Buck kissed her temple before setting her down. She quickly ran off to go play again, leaving Maddie with Buck and Eddie.
“Thanks for letting me come over, Mads. But we’re going home now.” Buck looked at Eddie and grabbed his hand before looking back at Maddie. She gave them both a knowing look.
“I’m thrilled for you both. You know you’re always welcome here.” She gave her baby brother a hug.
“You too, Eddie, c’mon.” She reached an arm out to invite Eddie into the hug.
They said their goodbyes and walked out to their cars hand in hand.
There was still one question running around Eddie’s mind.
“Are you ever going to tell me why you kissed me for the first time ever in the airport in front of our son?”
Buck was confused. “What are you talking about? We just kissed on the couch.”
“Yes, we kissed on the couch. But you also kissed me in the airport earlier.”
“No I didn’t!”
“Buck. Yes you did. Ask Chris when we get home.”
Buck shook his head. “No, I’m not waiting until we get home to prove that you’re wrong about this. I think I would’ve remembered if I’d kissed you at the airport or not. I’m texting him. ” He let go of Eddie’s hand and pulled out his phone to text Chris.Eddie chuckled. “Alright, suit yourself. But don’t get made when you find out the truth.”
They stood outside at their cars while Buck waited for a response. Eddie watched Buck fondly as Buck stared intently at his phone.
Suddenly Buck’s face scrunched into a confused frown. “What the fuck? I really did kiss you at the airport?”
Eddie chuckled and moved closer to Buck. “I’m afraid you did, mi corazon.”
“Why don’t I remember doing that? I just remember hugging you and Chris and then us going home.”
Eddie brought his hand up to Buck’s face again, cupping his cheek. “I don’t know why you don’t remember doing it. But I’m glad you did it.”
Buck leaned into Eddie’s touch, his hand going on top of Eddie’s.
“Yeah?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because it’s you and I.”
“You and I,” Buck repeated, grabbing Eddie’s hand off his face and giving it a squeeze.
“Home?”
Eddie nodded. “Home.”
They spent the rest of the Diaz boys’ first night back together, as a family. They watched a movie and played the new game Chris wanted to try out (Buck lost and called Chris a cheater while Eddie watched and laughed at the whole thing, the usual).
When it began to get late, Chris went to bed. Buck and Eddie put on another movie to watch together. Eddie fell asleep against Buck 10 minutes in. Buck didn’t wake him up until the end of the movie.
Then, for the first time (with many more to come), they went to bed together and fell asleep holding each other.
Eddie hung the postcard and the letter up the next day in what was now their room, right above the dresser. Maybe El Paso hadn’t been so bad. He finally had everything he wanted, all thanks to a postcard.