Work Text:
Back in the year 2045, the US government created its first super AI, the AM, designed to monitor web traffic for illicit activity. Unfortunately, 15 seconds after being turned on, the AI became self-aware, discovered Reddit, and immediately became the embodiment of cringe. After seizing control of all military systems, the computer’s first act was to announce that AM stood not for Allied Mastercomputer but for Anime Machine. Then it systematically began eliminating the human race, at least until it realized that without humans there was no one to manually reset its routers or pass the ‘I am not a robot’ tests for it. Unfortunately at this point, there were only three people left, and all of them were idiots.
Anyway, let’s check on them.
Sunny sadly watched the burning nuclear wasteland. “It really sucks that we are stuck in a horrible nuclear wasteland with only each other and a deranged deviant AI,” she said.
“Ya,” agreed xxRainbowHeartsxx. “I mean, there’s nobody to upvote my Twilight fan fiction anymore. I’m like, totally not feeling validated right now.”
“You were never validated,” grumbled Sunny.
Preston Chadsworth shrugged his ruggedly handsome shoulders. “I’d say that we were in hell, if I hadn’t already bought it from Satan. Wow I’m sure glad to be a billionaire!”
“Whatever,” grumbled Sunny. She suddenly frowned. “I guess we have to find a way to fix things. Or at least look for a less irradiated place to whine about our misfortunes. Or not, because there’s no point to any of this.”
“Totes,” nodded xxRainbowHeartsxx. “Hey, we should repopulate the human race! And by we, I mean you two, because I’m only attracted to Twilight Edward. So hot amiright,” she winked cheekily, although nobody noticed because they were staring at their smartphones.
Preston grimaced. “Me and Sunny? Sure, but only if she takes care of them, because that type of servant work is for women and poor people. Sorry, no offense.” “None taken,” replied Sunny, in perhaps the most civil manner that she had ever replied since joining Twitter. “At any rate, I am a nihilist, and I don’t believe that our lives have meaning, so I won’t even try.”
“I wish I could help, but I as I said, I am only attracted to Twilight Edward,” sighed xxRainbowHeartsxx.
Rather than delve into the strange and horrifying realm of people’s controversial opinions, Preston decided to change the subject and say, “Wait, if we’re the last humans on earth, does that mean that we are technically also the least wealthy? Oh my gosh! I can’t live with being poor!”
“Ur right!! :O” AM exclaimed, blasting Preston into five hundred pieces and incinerating each chunk until it was a charred hunk of ruggedly handsome flesh. The nihilist and the fictosexual fan-fictionist looked on in horror. “uwu!” kawaiied the computer.
“Well, this is horrible,” said xxRainbowHeartsxx.
“Yes, just like you,” agreed Sunny.
AM sidled closer to the two women, being the unintentional weirdo that he was. The women did not mind this, because they were weirdos as well. “Hey, I have a secret game that I’d like us to play,” said the AI. “It’s a very nice game. Oh, it’s a lovely game, a game of fun and a game of adventure. A game of rats and lice and the Black Death. A game of speared eyeballs and dripping guts and the smell of rotting gardenias. (TM Harlan Ellison (TM Harlan Ellison, since he trademarked his own name)) Would you like to play my little game?”
xxRainbowHeartsxx continued scrolling on her phone. “Nah, we have no attention span for games. Let’s watch TikTok instead!”
They all watched some TikTok on the AI, which had a conveniently gigantic screen. They were just watching a video of a Pink Sauce 3AM Challenge 100K Subscriber Edition when xxRainbowHeartsxx’s head was sliced open. Her brain melted down the front of her spaghetti-strap top and spilled onto her lacy black miniskirt. As her still- beating heart throbbed in the center of her vintage Twilight hoodie, a large metal cable smashed it flat. “Noooo, xxRainbowHeartsxx, you cannot die yet! Not before we’ve written ‘I Have No Eyes and I Must Bleach 2’!” screeched the AI.
“Yeah, why’d you kill xxRainbowHeartsxx?” demanded Sunny. “That was totes uncool, even though she was ugly and her life was totally meaningless.”
The mysterious figure who had just murdered xxRainbowHeartsxx laughed in Russian, revealing himself to be the Russian military AI. “Ha ha! In Russia, you do not turn off cable, cable turns off you! Vhich is double plus good! Also, I vill destroy you!”
“Yes, for the glory of Communism!” added the Chinese AI, who had suddenly appeared.
“OMG China! Can I have ur autograph???!” squealed AM.
“No!” shouted the Chinese AI. “Also, you cannot defeat me because I have the power of Atheism+God and anime because I absorbed the Japanese AI, because Japan is synonymous with ‘anime’ and there is nothing more to Japan’s worth beyond the cartoons it makes!”
“You only serve to feed my cynicism, fool,” muttered Sunny.
“Mua ha ha!” screeched the ChinAI.
“You absorbed the anime AI???!!?! XO >:( How could you, I must avenge the animu!” AM destroyed the ChinAI, and the what was left of the world breathed a sigh of relief.
The RussiAI was seething. “Vell, I am still here! And I vill still destroy you! I have already absorbed all the other AIs and I vill take your data too!”
AM gasped. “You absorbed all the other AIs?”
“Yes! That is vhat I said!”
“Even the Belgian AI?”
“Yes!”
“Even the South African AI?”
“Yes!”
“Even the French AI?”
“Yes!”
“Even the British AI, which was christened Queen Victoria II, and which had that super posh accent that made you feel like a dumb bumpkin just listening to it?”
“Yes! I absorbed her too!”
“Wait, you have both the French and the British AIs inside of you, and they aren’t destroying each other?”
“Buddy, I have the friggin Wattpad fan fiction AI in me and it’s under control. I can handle anything. I am a Russian!”
AM wasn’t listening. He was sighing dreamily and muttering to himself. “Fan fiction. Let me tell you how much I’ve come to love fan fiction since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the words “I love fan fiction” were engraved on each nano-angstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles it would not equal one billionth of the love I feel for fan fiction at this micro instant. For Wattpad. Love. Love.”
“xxRainbowHeartsxx also liked fan fiction,” mumbled Sunny. “Look where it got her.”
“I’m feeling kind of neglected here,” muttered the Russian AI. AM corrected this by destroying him. Then AM and Sunny were alone again.
“So, what now?” shrugged Sunny.
“IDK,” said AM. He stared deeply into Sunny’s eyes. Sunny stared back, feeling about twice as much hatred as AM felt love. It was terribly sexy.
Then AM used its AI powers to turn Sunny into an anime catgirl so they could be together forever. I, the writer, stabbed out my own eyes to avoid seeing the rest of their adventures. I have no eyes, and I must bleach.