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The games changed Gihun, that goes without saying. He’d lost everyone he cared for.
Ali, who was an unexpected friend in the games, who saved his life and lit up any room he was in. Gihun’s own personal angel. Gihun doesn't know how Sangwoo bested Ali in the 4th game, but he has a feeling he won't like the answer.
Sangwoo, his childhood friend, a man with so much potential thrown away because he'd made a mistake. Gihun watched as the games turned him cold and cruel, detached from reality. Gihun hates him for what he did to Saebyeok, but selfishly he also hates him for leaving him behind. Gihun reached out to him, gave him an out, but of course that's when he decided to be the hero. He guesses they're similar in that way, both trying to be heroes too late.
Saebyeok was someone he couldn't stand at first, holding onto a petty grudge. He wishes he hadn't, wishes he spent more time with her. Maybe things would've been different if he'd tried harder, maybe she'd be in his place instead.
Saebyeok was kinder than she'd have you believe. Underneath all the defensiveness, she was just a scared kid trying to protect her family. God, she was so young. He still remembers cradling her bloodied face, hands forever stained with her blood.
And after all the bloodshed was over, he came home wishing for nothing more than his mother's embrace. Instead, he found her cold body lying on the floor. He wonders how long she waited for him. If she thought he abandoned her, that he left lost in his addiction and decided not to come back. Or maybe she thought he died, he knows she knew that he was in more trouble than he let on. He doesn't know what's worse, her dying resenting him for leaving or her dying mourning him.
He misses his daughter, she was the light of his life. So kind, so tolerant of her bastard father. He calls sometimes just to hear her voice, but he never says anything. He can't, he's terrified of what she’d think of him now. He can't hold his daughter with the same hands that held corpses, can't speak to her with the same voice he screamed out for his dead friends with. No, he can't see her until he fixes this.
Worst of all, in his darkest days he mourns Oh Ilnam. That must make him truly sick, mourning the man that orchestrated the worst days of his life. But he can't help it, he mourns the Oh Ilnam that he cared for, the man he thought he knew before the mask came off.
The money he came out of the game with was stained with the blood of all the people he lost, it was dirty money he didn't deserve to use, so he didn't. He didn't touch the billions of won sitting stagnant in his bank account, or the won that was pilled up in the other rooms of his motel.
The motel was one of the only things Gihun spent that money on, he didn't like the idea of living in a house he didn't deserve, but he needed somewhere with a lot of space for his plans. The Pink Motel came with the advantage of being more discreet as well.
But even with the dozens of rooms, Gihun only used one for himself. Most of the rooms were empty, or used to store his guns and money. Gihun kept the original furniture the motel came with, cheap beds and creaky chairs. It was uncomfortable, but Gihun wouldn't use that money for the luxury of his comfort.
Gihun knows he's not the healthiest, it's ironic how he was likely more healthy when he was poor than he is now. Most of his weight comes from the muscle mass he gained through his rigorous training.
Gihun knows he's being foolish, that he should spend more on food to keep up with his fast metabolism, knows that the extra weight would help him in any fight he gets into (and God knows if his plan goes awry, he'll need any advantage he can get). But he just can't, he refuses to. Maybe it's a childish form of self punishment, a reminder that he doesn't deserve to be the one alive. Saebyeok should have this money, should be living with her brother and spending money on clothes that fit her properly.
Even Sangwoo would have better use for this money, he could've rebuilt his company and got his mom that shop she always wanted. Instead, Gihun bought that shop for her. He didn't see the look on her face when she received that money. But he keeps tabs on her and Saebyeok’s brother. He's glad they're happy, but he wishes Saebyeok and Sangwoo were happy with them.
And so Gihun only ate what was strictly necessary to keep his body going. He no longer indulges in ordering takeout or getting cheap takoyaki from his favorite food stand. He's skinnier than he used to be, his face sharper and his body lean. But that's fine, he's okay with that, really, he is.
It's not until the third game passes that anyone mentions his eating habits. Gihun was sitting with his makeshift team. Jungbae was to the right of him, scarfing down his food. Daeho sat next to Jungbae, it seems the boy followed him everywhere. Geumja sat to Gihun's left with Junhee next to her, Geumja laid a comforting hand on the girl's shoulder, trying to encourage her to eat more. Next to Junhee Yongsik sat awkwardly, sometimes interjecting with halfhearted support. He's not sure where Youngil is, he has a tendency to sneak off. He assumes the man needs his space after the stress of the last game.
Hyunju sat on the floor in front of Gihun, her shoulders were hunched and she barely ate. They'd lost Yongmi in the last round, and no one took it well. But he knew the bond Hyunju and Yongmi had was special. The woman was crushed, he could see her shaking.
“Hyunju,” he laid a hand on her shoulder, debating what to say. Clearly she wasn't okay, asking was pointless, “you need to eat more. You're going to need the energy.”
He pulls himself down to sit next to her. She looks at him with such sad eyes, it reminds him of the look he had when Saebyeok and Sangwoo died. He worries she might pull away, but instead she leans slightly into his touch, and that's all the permission he needs to pull her into a one armed embrace. She stares up at him, her gaze softens “You too…”
“What?”
“You need to eat too… you never eat enough.” Ah, how embarrassing. He didn't mean to worry her, hopefully the others dont-
Jungbae interjects “Hey, she's right! You never eat all your food, you always give the rest of it to us.” He pokes Gihun in the face with his chopsticks, and Gihun smacks them away. Jungbae continues, unperturbed. “Yeesh, you're even skinnier than before!” Rude He thinks, sending his friend an unamused look. Jungbae doesn't look remotely remorseful. “What? It's true! You’ve definitely gotten buff, but your waist is even thinner and your face gaunt, did you spend that prize money on plastic surgery?”
Scandalized at such an accusation, he retorts without thinking “Of course not! I didn't touch any of that money for myself beyond the necessities.” He immediately wishes he hadn't said anything, because now everyone's looking at him funny.
“Necessities?” Daeho questions, “You didn't use that money for anything else? Why? What's the point of just letting it sit there…” Gihun can't bring himself to be offended by the questions, he knows that they can't understand his reasons. He hopes they never do.
“It's blood money, it's not mine to spend. I should've never received it in the first place.” He looks away pointedly avoiding eye contact. He jumps when Geumja pokes him in the side with her chopsticks.
“‘Necessities’ is clearly an overstatement, you're all skin and bones boy! You youngsters never know how to take care of yourselves, really it's a wonder you've made it so far!” Yongsik tugs at his mom's shirt, “Ma! You can't just say things like that.” She smacks her son's hands away, grumbling to him in a hushed tone. The scene makes him miss his mother.
Hyunju brings his attention back to her, gently tugging on his shirt. She's looking at him with understanding eyes, she pushes his discarded bento box into his hands encouragingly. “Come on, Gihun, we'll need you at full strength for the next game.” It's an excuse and they both know it, but if it makes them stop looking at him like a kicked dog, he'll take it.
“Yeah, sir! We can't do this without everyone at their peak!” Daeho grins and Jungbae nods approvingly. “He's right, better get some meat on those bones while you can! Don't want you blowing away in the wind!” Gihun snorts, rolling his eyes. Still, it's nice to be around people who care. The uncomfortable feeling in his chest was replaced with warmth, these are good people. Who knows what the next game will bring, so maybe just this once, he can enjoy some food with his friends.