Work Text:
I found you at the window again
Looking out, watching the leaves falling in
And it was something like a dream
Wow so perfect, couldn't talk to me
Chuuya arrived at his penthouse, alone. The lights were off, the heating was turned off, so he was shivering when he first entered. It was a sad image. His couch was full of clothes that he hadn’t had the time to put away in between missions, his kitchen was a disaster and all his ashtrays were full of cigarette ends.
He sighed; he didn’t have the energy to clean his home. Instead, he served himself a glass of wine and went to his balcony to smoke.
It was autumn, and his balcony was full of brown leaves, and also full of dust. He didn’t want to sit in a chair, so he used his ability to float around, without touching anything. It was very late at night, maybe three or four am, but he didn’t know for sure. The city lights were pretty, in comparison to his home. Since Dazai left, his space has been kinda cluttered, but at the same time, it felt empty. There were no longer Dazai’s shirts on the couch, Dazai’s bandages on his bathroom, or Dazai’s whisky in his cabinets.
Chuuya exhaled the smoke as he watched the night lights, feeling that he weighed nothing, floating around. His plants also needed to be watered, but he couldn’t be bothered. At least, not right now.
When he finished the bottle of wine and his cigarette, he went to the bathroom. Old candles, already burnt up, were around his tub, abandoned. Old incense was also on his bathroom counter, the ashes of it all scattered on the floor. He sighed, again. Too much work.
He undressed and filled up the tub with hot water. He poured some soap, and soon enough his mirrors were all fogged up, the room a little bit too hot, but he paid no mind to it. Instead, he lit up another cigarette, as he entered the tub. The water felt like burning his skin, but that was the sensation he liked. He finally relaxed against the ceramic, closing his eyes and drinking some more wine. His skin felt warm, his eyes felt very heavy.
Time moves slow
When you're all alone
And the time moves slow
When you're out on your own
And the time moves slow
When you're missing a friend
And the time moves slow
When you came to the end
He stayed in the bathtub until the water was cold enough to make him shiver, his glass of wine long finished. He stepped out, put a towel around his waist, and opened the bathroom door. The city lights were still the same as when he stepped into the bathroom. His bedroom curtains weren’t drawn, so all the pink and blue lights of the tallest buildings reflected on his walls, it seemed like a little galaxy in his room. He stood up in his bedroom for a while, only looking at the lights. His damp hair was against his skin uncomfortably, but he didn’t show any signs of wanting to dry it off. Instead, he laid on his bed, looking at the ceiling.
There was a strange feeling in his chest like it was missing something.
Ah, shitty partner. Sometimes I miss you, but I’m never going to say it to you. Fucking traitor.
Chuuya sighed and continued to lay down on his bed. The sheets were cold against his skin, but he didn’t mind it. He still didn’t know what time it was and probably was going to be exhausted tomorrow, but he couldn’t fall asleep. As soon as he closed his eyes, brown warm eyes appeared on his mind, making him unable to sleep. Maybe it was the wine that was fueling him, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Dazai.
Running away is easy
It's the leaving that's hard
Running away is easy
Running away is easy
Dazai . And his brown dead eyes. Dazai and his bandaged hands, always too rough, but they were ones that Chuuya knew could be gentle, too. Dazai’s hair, always messy, unlike Chuuya’s, or Dazai’s skin, too soft, in comparison to Dazai’s schemes.
Where could he be right now? The answer to that, Chuuya didn’t know. He simply laid on his bed, thinking about questions that didn’t have many answers. Why did Dazai leave him? Why did he decide to run away?
Chuuya rolled in his bed, ending on his side. He knew he was unhappy, but that much?
It's the living that's hard
And loving you was easy
It was you leaving that scarred
Chuuya just hoped that he didn’t end up dead in some forbidden place. The sole thought taunted him, assaulting him every time he was alone. That's why he had been taking so many missions from Mori, so he didn’t have time to think about Dazai.
Chuuya unconsciously brought his fingers to his lips, reminiscing. He imagined that they were another person’s fingers, running through his lips. He wouldn’t dare to voice his concerns, but he missed Dazai. It was that easy to run away? If it was, maybe Chuuya would’ve run away from the mafia a long time ago, but now there were a lot of things tying him to it. Kouyou, Tachihara, Gin, or Hirotsu. People that he wouldn’t have met if he didn’t enter this world when he was fifteen.
Even if it hurt to admit, aside from the information about himself that was promised if he arrived to be an executive, he stayed for Dazai, too. At first, he couldn’t believe a kid his age was so obsessive about suicide and hurting himself, but after getting to know him a little, Chuuya understood. At least, a little. Even if Dazai would rather be dead than trust somebody completely, he opened up to Chuuya, and that’s why they ended up sharing an apartment, far away enough from the Mafia headquarters.
Chuuya smiled to himself while he remembered what it was like to live with Dazai. At first, it was a nightmare because the fucker didn’t sleep. He stayed up all night playing video games or drinking, and the next day they went to work as if nothing happened. As much as Chuuya was concerned, he was worried too. Because even if they didn’t talk about it, they considered each other friends. A strange friendship, where Dazai would annoy the shit out of Chuuya, but a friendship.
He remembered, too, the many times when he would patch up Dazai, either after a mission that didn’t go according to the plan or after an attempt. He felt so scared, back then. As much as he felt now, thinking about the possibility of Dazai being dead.
The neon lights continued to reflect on his walls. Chuuya looked outside, and even if the world seemed so big, he wanted to think that Dazai was safe. He wanted to see him once, at least, before everything could go wrong. Before the world fell apart, he wanted to see him.
Chuuya put the sheets around him, burying his face in it, inhaling slowly. Still smelled like the other. It couldn’t be helped, after all. The grief after discovering that the person you’re in love with leaves, the emptiness and hollowness it leaves in your chest. You think you cannot be a human again, your feelings scream at you to feel something.
But Chuuya only breathed, calmness running through his muscles as he felt the world fall around, the warmth of the wine in his stomach as a lullaby on his body.
He fell asleep like this, finally calm but with these brown eyes in his mind, that followed him through another dreamless night.