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“Class dismissed.” Ratio walked off the podium and checked his watch. He had just finished a lecture, and his next one was in three system hours. It gave him plenty of time to rest, and he already planned on using a good amount of it on grading paperworks in the comfort of his own office.
Ratio walked down the halls, turning left and right on autopilot, knowing every twist and turns like the back of his hand, something he kept safe in his mind. Although he had long grown used to the halls of University of Veritas Prime, Ratio still quietly enjoyed every moment spent within its walls, enjoyed the sight of every person under its roof on their own, differing, pursuits of knowledge. Thousands of students eager to study rushed past him, some sat by the benches either talking about the newest trends amongst themselves, or hunched over their books trying to study together. He nodded his alabaster sculpture at every student who greeted him, and continued to walk towards his office.
A buzz coming from his phone stopped him in his tracks. It wasn’t the usual notification ringtone, it was a custom ringtone that had been forced upon him–changed without his consent–and remained unchanged to this day. He truly could’ve easily reverted it back, yet he opted against it. The reason as to why, Ratio prefers not to identify.
He unlocked his phone and read the text that came with the custom ringtone, which entailed an invitation for lunch at Kiliro Fish, followed by three other emojis of a certain blond gambler. He replied with a thumbs up emoji and closed his phone, switching his destination to the front doors of Veritas Prime.
When he arrived at Kiliro Fish and sat himself next to Aventurine, the first thing he noticed was how tired the other looked. The second was his face–ghostly pale. He furrowed his brow in concern, opening his mouth to ask, but not getting a chance to put one question out before Aventurine had cut him off. “Before you ask, doctor, I’ve been having to work overtime this week for preparation because of a project I needed to take.” He grinned, “You know I’ve been demoted recently, I need to earn a promotion fast to make up for it.” He swirled his glass, making the wine contained in it spill over the edges.
Ratio let out a sigh. “Even if you are working overtime, you should remember to take care of yourself.” He waved over a waiter, “Though it would be preferable if you refrain from doing so. A promotion will come, with overtime or not.” Aventurine’s grin grew wider, “What is this? The good doctor is concerned for me?” Ratio’s sigh felt heavier.
The two of them fall back in a more comfortable chatter while waiting for their food. Aventurine’s usual complaints about his workplace and Ratio’s stories about his students filled the familiar air surrounding them. Aventurine, so constantly, was full of smiles and laughter throughout their meal, and Ratio had to pay more attention to notice the tiredness seeping out from every word he said, an illness looming over the corner.
“I’ll be going then, the project is still in its early stage of development, so I still need to revise it some more before heading into another meeting.” Aventurine sighed and stood up. “I believe you are smart enough to not need another reminder,” Ratio mirrored his actions. “Thank you for the lunch invitation, gambler. It was enjoyable.”
Aventurine was in the middle of putting his jacket on before he suddenly went rigid, though it didn’t last long for more than a second (it lasted long enough for Ratio to catch on, however). “I had an enjoyable time too, doctor. You should take me out to dinner next time.” Aventurine winked and laughed before leaving Ratio alone in the restaurant, the echoes of his laughter still ringing throughout his mind.
Two days after his lunch in Kiliro Fish had passed, and Aventurine could not get out of bed. Today marked his second day bedridden. Yesterday he fought (and very pathetically lost) against his fever and tried to attend work, only to be kicked out and forced to rest by Diamond. He couldn’t even laugh at his situation, his head hurt far too much for him to be able to even breathe. So much for getting a promotion. So much for running yourself dry an entire week to be deserving of it.
Everything felt bitter in his mouth.
He hasn’t even eaten breakfast yet, and he doesn’t know what time it was. All he knew was the sun’s golden rays spilling through his curtains, preparing him for the dark and quiet the night would bring with it when it came. His cat-cakes were fed, that’s all he cared about.
He heard his doorbell ring yet paid no mind to it. Hoping whoever was on the other side of the door took the absence of his reply as their cue to leave. It always worked that way. This time though, it seemed to do the opposite. The doorbell continuously rang until he had to rip himself off from his sheets and wobble to the front door, nearly tripping over one of his cat-cakes.
He opened the door by a crack and peered out with a very fake smile plastered on his face, ready to tell whoever had decided to visit him to leave him alone in the most polite way imaginable.
“Gambler.”
His whole body stilled, and his smile faltered, “Doctor, why are you here?” The doctor across the door only raised one of his eyebrows, as if Aventurine had asked the obvious. “To check in on you. You appeared sickly during our meal together and you did not answer any of my texts asking about your wellbeing.” Aventurine grimaced when Ratio mentioned his unanswered texts. Ever since he was bedridden, he never had the chance to check his inbox, even if a message that came was from the doctor. “Right.. Sorry about that, Ratio, but I’m only feeling a little under the weather. Sorry to have made you come all this way for nothing.” He tried his best to keep his composure, to keep his smile steady on his face, to make sure Ratio buys into his words.
“You seem like you’re running a high fever, gambler.” He said. He didn’t buy into his words at all, not even a fake acknowledgement to please his pride. “It’s basically nothing, I swear.” He tries again, this time while pushing the door so he wouldn’t have to face him, yet fails in doing that as well since Ratio stopped the door with his foot.
“May I come in?” He asked. Aventurine could not let Ratio see him, nor his apartment in its current state. He did not want to lose the little favor he has in him. “Sorry doc, but you’ll have to answer a riddle to be allowed in.” He faked an over dramatic sigh, trying once again to push the door closed.
“Aventurine.”
He used his name. Aventurine flinched away from the door and let it open slowly, taking three steps away, for good measure. Although Aventurine was not his real name, it was still an alias that he carries with him. It was still him, whether he liked it or not. Ratio never said his name unless the situation calls for it, so now Aventurine is wondering if he had gone too far with the doctor that he finally had enough of him. Aventurine knew that he had said his name sternly, not unkindly. He knew the doctor never meant to berate him, yet his mind couldn’t process it. He hated feeling like this the most.
When he heard Ratio step into his apartment, he could only hang his head low. Everything about it looked a mess. The dishes hadn't been washed in two days and pillows from the couch were scattered over the floor.
Everything about him was a mess.
“Well, I wasn’t exactly expecting visitors, so..” He trailed off, unable to continue his quip. Not only did he have to fight off this unbearable headache, but now a sinking dread in the pit of his stomach as well. He felt unbelievably tired.
Ratio turned and walked towards him, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead. “Have you had anything to eat?” He asked, and Aventurine shook his head. “As expected. Go back to bed and rest, gambler. I will take care of dinner.” And Aventurine could only stare at him, because Ratio had said it so casually, like it’s a task so unburdensome that he doesn't mind doing it. “I can’t possibly let you do that, doctor.” Aventurine chuckled nervously, taking one step closer to Ratio.
Ratio shook his head softly. “Go back to bed and rest,” He made his way towards the kitchen, picking up the scattered pillows along the way, “This.. definitely is not how I imagined my dinner invitation to go, but I will take you out on a proper dinner after this.” He added. Aventurine let out a breathy laugh, glued to his spot. That lousy comment he added before leaving during their lunch, he remembered. He was left bewildered by the new turn of events that he felt his fever rising.
Ratio looked over his shoulder and noticed the blond hadn’t moved from his original position by the door. He neatly placed the pillows on the couch and made his way back. “Where is your room?” He asked. “Huh? over there, why?” Aventurine weakly pointed at a door on the left side of the living room. Ratio hummed a response and gently picked his hand up.
“If you are not strong enough to make the way back, I’ll accompany you. You are running quite a heavy fever.” He sighed. Aventurine stared at him in disbelief, his mouth slightly ajar. He wondered if his fever had turned him delusional.
He stared at the hand in Ratio’s gentle hold, he stared at it too hard that it slowly felt like it wasn’t his. “Why are you doing this?” His lips trembled. He wanted to say so many things yet none of them had the courage to leave the tip of his tongue, he wanted to ask why Ratio would waste his attention on someone as useless as him, there was nothing Ratio would gain from doing this. In his current state, there’s nothing he could offer to the doctor, or did he want Aventurine to owe him one?
He truly didn’t like feeling like this, especially in front of someone else. (More especially in front of the doctor himself.)
“I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.” His answer came after what seemed like an eternity. “I can’t pay you back, I don’t know how to, why are you doing this?” Aventurine was starting to feel restless. What was the point of this? What would Ratio do if Aventurine got his hopes up.
“If you really insist on paying me back, gambler, then you will do so by resting.” Ratio insisted, and he was already dragging Aventurine to his room before he could protest.
Now Aventurine was standing in front of his bed with Ratio standing by his side, still keeping his gentle hold on Aventurine’s hand. He didn’t know whether he liked it or not, but he could feel his hand becoming heavier in Ratio’s palm. He was becoming more and more burdensome.
“...I still think you’d better go home.” He uttered. “And you ought to rest.” Ratio replied, letting go of Aventurine’s hand and sitting him down on his own bed. Everything Ratio did only added to the restlessness in his heart, he squirmed in his seat, feeling uneasy and so overly guilty for taking up Ratio’s time and selfishly soaking in his kindness. Ratio sighed before laying him down and throwing the covers over him, “Cease this stubborn act you are putting up and rest.”
He turned around and started walking away, leaving Aventurine to stare at his back, soon disappearing behind the door. He couldn't have made him stay by his side even if he wanted to, Ratio had done too much for him already, he didn’t want to make an unreasonable request. He absolutely couldn’t allow himself, in fear that it’d scare off the doctor.
He chose to instead stare at the hand that's been in Ratio’s own for quite some time, the warmth of his skin still lingering. It was the first time in a while someone's held Aventurine’s hand without making him feel nauseous, without asking for everything he had. He opened and closed his palm, wondering if he ever suddenly held that man’s hand, he’d let him. He had already let him off with so many things in the past, one more inconvenience couldn't hurt, right?
Aventurine sighed, loneliness seeped in and filled the cracks and crevices of his body, drowning him in a feeling that’s been lingering by him ever since his homeworld was destroyed. He felt so pitiful how quickly that feeling came to reclaim him, just mere minutes of being left alone. It was marvelous what a pinch of attention could do to him. Now that he is accompanied by nothing but his mind, all his fears and doubts closed in on him in his dark room and it all felt so achingly familiar that everything Ratio showed him felt like a distant dream.
Maybe this was how it’s supposed to be for him, and he was a fool for reaching out to that extended hand, for thinking otherwise. He felt ashamed for thinking otherwise. He dropped his hand and closed his eyes, feeling the headache grow and consume his entire being. He was too tired to stay awake.
Aventurine woke up startled and choked on his own saliva, never being able to get used to the same nightmares that’s been haunting him for years. His eyes scrambled to take in his apartment ceiling, forgetting the clear starry sky you could see from the desert. He blinked a couple of times, his brain trying to register why instead of being greeted with darkness, he found himself staring at his ceiling dimly lit. He could even smell the aroma of proper food coming from his living room, not the same cup noodles he’s been having for weeks. He wondered if he had entered another dream, this time one more kinder to him.
“Ah, you’re finally awake.” Aventurine didn’t waste even a single second and snapped his head to his side in an effort to follow where the voice came from. He turned so fast that he felt his head spin, he felt vomit clawing up his throat. “I would prefer it if you refrain from puking on me.” He rubbed his eyes, desperately trying to focus on the other man’s dawn-tinted eyes and indigo hair, trying his hardest to focus on every one of his features that his mind could never come close to replicate, just to confirm that this isn’t some delusion he came up with.
He felt something soft slip from his forehead. “I wanted to wake you, but I figured there was no harm in letting you rest some more. Dinner is ready.” The man beside him leaned over to touch his forehead, fingers ghosting along his skin, taking off the compress–now that he’s gotten a better look–from him. Aventurine watched as he dropped said compress into a basin on the bedside table. Dinner is ready, he said. He felt those words bounce around his mind, how unusual it sounded to be said to him, in his apartment.
He hadn’t left, and he even took care of dinner like he said he would. Aventurine wished he could pry open the doctor’s head and figure out what he was thinking, how he decided that Aventurine was someone worthy of being taken care of. The doctor didn’t even owe him anything, he didn't have to do this and Aventurine knew he himself didn’t want him to, so then why was Aventurine having a hard time telling him to go home now when that’s all he’s been doing throughout the late afternoon, ever since Ratio appeared in front of his door?
He felt his throat close up and his eyes burn, he felt so much just from staring at Dr. Veritas Ratio who had dragged a stool to sit down beside him while he slept, who cooked him dinner and cleaned up his living room for reasons still unknown to him, with one single possibility he could think of shot dead in the back of his mind. “Why are you crying? Are your symptoms getting worse?” He asked, his words slightly tinged with worry. Aventurine shook his head. He didn’t even know he was crying until Ratio pointed it out.
“I thought you left.” He croaked, clinging tight to his covers. “I was making dinner, I’m certain you heard when I mentioned it before.” Ratio sighed softly. His fingers reached out but stopped in midair when it was mere millimetres away from Aventurine’s tear-stained cheeks. He retracted his hand and awkwardly set it stiffly on the bed with a complicated look. “Get up and eat. Do note that I strongly advise against skipping dinner, you’ll do well to listen to the doctor.” He cleared his throat and walked away with the basin in tow, leaving Aventurine alone in his room.
Aventurine stared at the door and wiped away his tears, sitting up and resting his head against the headboard, staring at the stool beside his bed. “Doctor’s orders..” He mumbled. He could only laugh in embarrassment when he remembered how he had been acting just a minute ago, an accidental show of vulnerability that was never meant for anyone to bear witness. He truly needed a shower to clear his mind. He got off the bed and made his way to his bathroom, wondering if by the time he finishes Ratio will have truly left, or will still be waiting for him. A quiet hope that rested in his heart he thought died alongside the name “Kakavasha” prayed it was the latter.
He slowly lowered himself in the bathtub, comfort quickly rushed through his body as he relaxed himself. He wondered what his living room looked like right now, he imagined the dining table full of warm, homemade dinner, the cat-cakes meowing to be fed, and Ratio in the midst of it all, with his legs pawed by one (or perhaps even all three) of the cat-cakes and his exasperated expression tinted with fondness. He shook his head out of embarrassment and immediately got rid of that thought, so afraid of reaching out for something so impossible and burning himself in the process. This was the one gamble he didn’t dare to bet on, it was uncharted territory, a small acknowledgement that’s been living with him for a while now that if he took the gamble, he wouldn’t be betting as “Aventurine”.
He wondered if, in another universe, one where he did not have to deceive and use every trick in his book to survive, where he was still “Kakavasha” and not “Aventurine of the Ten Stonehearts”, he’d let himself believe he could be loved.
Half a system hour later and he finally stepped out of the shower, dressed in a new pair of pajamas with a towel draped around his shoulders. He stared at his bedroom door leading towards the living room, trying to prepare himself to open it and be greeted with a quiet and empty space, left exactly the same way he always left it, with no signs of anyone having been here and used his kitchen before.
The thought clenched at his heart, but it seemed like the more likely option for him. One that he’d have to accept. So he turned the handle, and the door opened with a click. He stepped out into his living room and saw his three cat-cakes sleeping on the couch, huddled together. He let out a small giggle at the sight of them, already feeling better. “You’ve finally come out. I was beginning to think I ought to drag you out.” Aventurine stilled. A feeling between embarrassment and happiness swirled inside his head upon finding out the doctor still hasn’t left yet, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn around and look to the direction of his dining room, where Ratio’s voice came from.
“Come, before the food gets cold.” Ratio said, accompanied by the sound of a book closing and being placed on a table. Aventurine turned to his left and grabbed onto the towel on his shoulder for support, to hide his shaking fists. There sat Ratio, with his book and an assortment of meals laid out on his dining table. The curtains were drawn and the lights illuminated the room, leaving no space for doubt that, once again, He hadn’t lost his mind. Aventurine took in the scene before him, marinating in the warmth it made him feel. He hadn't felt that way in years that it felt so foreign.
“Well, doctor, I didn’t realize you prepare food for your patients as well. Is this VIP treatment?” He chirped, and he heard the doctor’s sigh in response. Aventurine laughed and made his way to the dining table, placing his towel on the chair he occupied. He grabbed a plate and sat across from Ratio. The other man mimicked his movements, grabbing a plate of food for himself as well. Aventurine felt his hands trembling, this was different from dinners at high class restaurants with his clients or co-workers, this was more private, more intimate. He didn’t know how to deal with situations like this, never even imagined he’d be in one.
Ratio took one look at Aventurine’s plate and let out a dissatisfied sigh. He added more rice, gave him more meat, and added a spoonful of nearly everything else he had prepared on the table. “Even your cat-cakes have portions bigger than that.” He said.
Now Aventurine was seconds away from crying, again.
He let out a shaky laugh and stared at his plate full of food Ratio had made for him, he peeked at the man eating peacefully in front of him, and realized he’d been staring at him. Aventurine coughed and scooped up food from his plate, “Don’t stare at me too much doctor, what shall I do if you fall in love?” He lamented, closing his eyes and frowning for dramatic effect.
“What shall you do, I’m interested to find out.” Ratio retorted, hiding his smile behind his hand. Aventurine felt his cheeks heating up, not prepared for the doctor to play along. “How mean. I’m not your test subject.” He pouted. “Of course you aren’t.” Came the doctor’s reply. Ratio’s smile only grew wider.
They ate the rest of the dinner with playful banter and questions from Ratio on his health, Aventurine, pouting, complained that this was not a hospital visit, so he should keep his questions to himself. This earned him a laugh from the doctor. Aventurine sat criss-crossed on his chair and took one last bite of his meal, clearing his plate. He felt full for the first time, no longer holding back or feeling the guilt he’s carried for ages unallowing himself bigger portions.
Ratio picked up his plate and brought it to the sink, making Aventurine stand up in a hurry, “I’ll wash the dishes.” He said, peeking over Ratio’s shoulder by the sink. “No need. Clean up the dining table and put away the leftovers, I’ll handle the dishes.” Ratio instructed, so he left to do as he was told.
It felt relaxing, what he’s doing with Ratio. It filled him with so much comfort that he’s afraid of getting used to it. He leaned against his kitchen countertop that allowed him a view of Ratio from the side. He watched him, standing in his apartment, washing his dishes, filling the place with his mark; the leftovers in the fridge and the book on his dining table.
“I still don’t know why you’re doing this.” Aventurine mused, “And I still don’t know how to pay you back.” He added quietly. After washing and setting aside the last plate, Ratio closed the tap and made his way towards him. He could feel himself getting nervous with every step the doctor took.
“Hadn’t I said before that I consider you resting as payback?” He asked, leaning across the countertop, making Aventurine lean back slightly. “You did, but it feels unfair.” Aventurine argued back. “If you feel yourself troubling me so much, come to my place next time and let me trouble you.” Ratio replied, his brows furrowed.
It took a second for the words to register in his head. “Huh?” Aventurine could feel his cheeks heating up and sweat forming from his forehead. Ratio said again, with his voice ringing clear, devoid of any doubt, “You are no fool, Aventurine, you know what I mean. Don’t feign ignorance.” Aventurine’s eyes went wide. He rushed over to Ratio’s side, his shaky eyes met Ratio’s unflappable gaze.
“Say it again, your invitation.” He said, voice tinged with pessimism. There was only one reason as to why Ratio, who did not hide his disdain towards the IPC, had taken time out of his busy schedule to pamper him. He had that thought stored against the very back of his mind, so unwilling to believe in its validity.
Ratio obliged, “Come to my place next time, and–” Yet before he could finish, he was already pulled down for a kiss. It was rushed and shaky, and Aventurine pulled back before he could even reciprocate. He caught a glimpse of his nervous eyes, half hidden behind his sandy blond hair, and felt his heart give in at the sight of it. Ratio put one hand behind his neck and another on Aventurine’s back and pulled him in for another kiss. This time slower, with the intent of carving his feelings into every motion.
Aventurine was the first to pull back, not because he needed to breathe, but because he felt too overwhelmed by it. He kept his hold on Ratio’s face yet his eyes were anywhere but. “You’re not playing with me, right?” He asked. Ratio sighed softly, turning Aventurine’s face to his direction, “You are well aware that I’m not, Aventurine.”
“Call me Kakavasha.” He breathed. He wanted to have at least one person call him by his real name, in addition to his dislike of being called “Aventurine” by the doctor.
“Kakavasha,” Ratio said, voice filled with adoration that dripped through every syllable that left his mouth, leaving the man on the receiving end a blushing mess. “Then call me Veritas.” He smiled. “How unfair.” Aventurine sulked, “Here I am so unattractively incoherent and then here you are, so unaffected by this.” He continued.
Ratio laughed, he pulled Aventurine’s head down and pressed it against his chest. “I am unlearned when it comes to the topic of expressing one’s feelings, but I believe that the heart speaks what the face cannot.” He whispered.
Aventurine listened to the way Ratio’s heart beat quickly, a giveaway to how nervous he truly felt. He laid his head on his chest and closed his eyes, feeling comforted by the heart that beat in tandem with his. “The offer still stands, Kakavasha. Come to my place, and let me trouble you.” Ratio brushed through Aventurine's hair with his fingers; no more holding back, no more ghostly touches.
“I’ll take you up on that offer then. I’ll make you food and clean your place. Maybe I’ll even bring the cat-cakes with me.” He smiled, feeling so cozy with Ratio’s hand entangled in his hair, with Ratio’s scent enveloping him. “They deserve to visit other places than just your apartment, I agree.” Ratio jokes, earning himself a soft punch to his side.
“Thank you for dinner, Veritas.” He said quietly. For insisting to walk in despite being turned away, for accepting me as I am, for loving me. All said even quieter, but he felt the doctor was smart enough to catch on to it, to read between the lines and grasp onto the words left unspoken. “You’re mistaken. I should be the one thanking you.” Ratio hummed. For letting me in, left unsaid, yet loud enough for them to hear.
In truth, Ratio had been a lost cause from the start, helplessly letting himself be strung along and used as a pawn for Aventurine’s plan. He had, then and there, with Penacony’s dreamscape as his witness, laid his heart out to the gambler in the form of a scroll; a written pointer, with his own selfish wish penned at the bottom.
He held Aventurine a little tighter in his arms, resting his nose atop his head. He had waited far too long for this, he wouldn’t let go so easily.