Work Text:
July 30th, 1966
Narcissa remembers the day she got her favourite dress full of mud.
They were running in the garden, all three of them, and she slipped. She remembers crying, not only for the pain of her skinned knees but for the loss of her dress. Something that felt childish, but horrible at the time.
Bella bandaged her knees and Andy brought her inside to the tub before their father could see what a mess she made of herself. Her eyes were puffy, and her knees stung, and her head hurt, but she felt so loved.
“It’s okay to be sad about childish things sometimes, because we are children.” Andy said as she wiped her red face with a warm washcloth. “And it was a very pretty dress Indeed.”
Narcissa pouted. “Mother is going to be furious with me. I was supposed to wear that dress for my cotillion.” She said, more tears going down her cheeks.
“I bet you Bella could fix it up for you.”
She shook her head and wiped at her nose, “she said I shouldn’t have gotten it dirty in the first place.”
Andromeda put on a stern expression and took Narcissa’s face in her cool hands. “That’s a horrible thing to say. I’ll talk to her about it, okay?”
She nodded as her sister pushed a piece of hair out of her face. Andromeda was one of the few people who’s opinion Bellatrix listened to. She didn’t care for Narcissa’s. She was only a little girl, after all.
“There you go.” Andromeda let go of her, presenting her clean, but tear stained face in the mirror.
“All done.” She smiled up at her old sister and kissed her cheek. “Thank you, Andy.”
August 12, 1968
Narcissa spent all her afternoon picking lilies with the hope that if she brought them to Andy, she might braid them into her hair. Her father wouldn’t be back until the next day so she supposed she could probably get away with keeping them in for a couple of hours. She didn’t want to smother the lilies in her dress pockets, but she wanted to get home fast and she was scared she’d lose them if she ran with them in her hand.
She did end up running all the way home and by the time she got back her ponytail was falling out and the sun was setting in the sky. She ran all the way into the house, stopping momentarily to take off her boots and rushing into the parlour, only to see someone she wasn’t expecting.
“Narcissa. Say hello to your aunt.” Her mother said to her, nodding to her side where her aunt was sitting in one of the parlour chairs.
She tucked her hair behind her ears before clasping her dirt-stained hands behind her back. “Good afternoon, auntie.” She recited politely.
Her aunt nodded in a way that was meant to be civil, but was a little too sharp. It was obvious to Narcissa something was bothering her. After a couple seconds, her mother motioned to her with her eyes, a sign that told her she was dismissed.
She walked courteously down the hall until she was out of site and ran to Andromeda’s room, already taking the pressed flowers out of her pockets. “Andy, can you-“ she cut off herself as she opened the door to the sight in front of her.
Sirius was sitting on the bed in front of her sister while Andromeda seemed to be examining his arms, which upon further inspection, were littered with cuts.
As Andy, Sirius and Regulus (who was sitting on the floor next to the bed) looked at her, the smile completely left her face.
“Cissy!” Her sister said, obviously quite put out by who knows what. She was probably worrying herself over everyone again. “Here, come sit by me.”
Narcissa took the invitation and sat on the spot next to her sister, leaning into her side and making sure to give Sirius a proper glare before she gave herself the time to think.
At 13, it wasn’t a mystery to her how he got those cuts. Everyone knew really, they just didn’t bring it up all that much. Like an unspoken agreement. It was certain that no one bring it up in front of Aunt Walberga. She supposed that it was probably a cruel thing but she didn’t very well allow herself to feel sorry for him.
One time, and one time only, her mother had brought up the matter. “Boys need more correcting than girls,” she had said. “Your aunt may have a harsher means to punish but I trust her judgment. It will do you well to not question it.” So she tried not to. It was easy most of the time. Most of the time until Sirius was sitting on their bed as her sister tried her best to rid of the angry marks and Regulus was staring at his lap looking equally scarred.
She tried to school her expression into one of disregard but felt herself failing. Right now she felt disappointed and a little trapped. Andy couldn’t do her hair because Sirius had to go and get himself in trouble. It really was only his own fault and she shouldn’t be punished for it.
She buried her face in her sisters dress, not wanting to look at Regulus staring down at his lap, or her sister looking concerned, certainly convinced everything was on her shoulders, or her cousins arms or her wilting flowers.
She woke up much later in the pitch black, unsure where she was for several moments. She felt around with her hands and knew she must be in the bed with someone. Andromeda, she remembered her last conscious memory. Slowly, she realized her cousins must be gone now.
Eventually the body beside her (who she was quite confident was Andy) stirred before speaking out in a cracky voice, “Cissy?”
She nodded, though it was unseen in the dark and leaned her cheek into her sisters palm. Andromeda yawned and slowly got up from the bed, walking around, from what Narcissa could hear, until the windows were cast and the room was filled with an eerie moonlight.
“Full moon tonight.”
She stood up from the bed as well, cringing as her bare feet hit the cold floor. She supposed her sister must have undressed her. She crept up to where Andy was standing looking out the window and once again leant into her side.
“What does it mean?” She whispered.
Her sister laughed quietly. “What do you mean?”
“The full moon. It must have a purpose.”
“Well... it makes an excellent Humpty Dumpty, and...” Andy leaped suddenly, startling her. “It’s when the werewolf’s come out!”
She sighed, pretending to be aggravated. Still, the idea of hundreds of viscous wolfs hurting people entered her mind. A couple months ago something like that actually had happened. It was on the front page of the Daily Prophet. She remembered how outraged everyone had been that day. She’d nearly cried hearing of all the wounded children.
“I’m not a child,” She drawled. “And what’s a Humpty Dumpty?”
“It’s a muggle tale about an egg man that sits on the edge off a cliff only to keep falling off and cracking.”
She squinted her nose. “Strange.”
“I can imagine his face right there in the moon,” she pointed out the window, “and then the moon falls right out of the sky and shatters on the ground and we’re left in the darkness.”
She huffed, actually feeling a little chilly and frightened now. “Very strange.”
“Yes, very strange indeed.”
They stood in silence for a while. Narcissa listened to the wind faintly blow outside the window and watched as the trees bent under it, leaves falling to the ground and blowing through the air.
She wanted to tell Andromeda about the flowers she picked, the lilies and the daisies, but she felt like her words would hang in the air, not reaching anyone. And besides, her flowers would be smushed by now.
Instead she asked, “when did Regulus and Sirius leave?”
Instantly she saw her sisters face take on a little bit more shadow, “Not sure, sometime after the sun set but before I went to sleep.”
“What did Sirius do?”
Andy laughed a bit humourlessly. “Not sure. Doesn’t really matter then, does it?”
“I mean,” she squinted her eyes, “of course it does.”
“No. It really doesn’t.”
She didn’t fully understand her words but didn’t question any farther, feeling like she’d only aggravate. She didn’t want to make anyone angry anymore. “No, I guess not.”
December 21, 1971
When she was young, she’d dealt with everything (the confusion, the hurt, the anger) by making up stories.
By going outside and imagining how all the different flowers would talk to her, by going under her sheets and pretending to be locked in a small room, needing to figure out the password to escape.
But at some point, Narcissa lost the ability to daydream. She took all the bad feelings from before and used them as motivation to be better. She wasn’t getting anywhere making up fairytales. But she missed it sometimes. She was so full of curiosity and thoughtfulness as a child. Now all she was filled with was the innate response, the program to always do what she was supposed to.
She wasn’t even really a real person anymore. But once, she had been, and she couldn’t help but long for that again.
Now she knew that she could never be that whole again, because she had given up on the only part of herself still out there, and on the only person who saw her.
“Your sister has made her own decision. Though it may have been a foolish one, it is for the better,” their father spoke as Narcissa stared at the place her sisters name had once been, a burn in its place.
Their family had stood together, watching as her father rid Andromeda of them all forever.
“I really do think it’s a good thing, father. Andromeda has been behaving selfishly for months. This may have set the family back, but it has strengthened it in the long run,” Bellatrix agreed, showing no sign of real emotion or care.
Their mother nodded along to everything that was said, but offered no words of her own. She knew her mother was sad. She’d heard her sobbing through the door, and heard her father reprimanding her for it.
Now she simply stood, hollow, agreeing like she was supposed to. Honestly, Narcissa couldn’t believe it wasn’t all one big joke.
Every pointless, false word spoken by them all. None of this emptiness compared to the life Andromeda had taken away from her.
April 13, 1975
Narcissa wanted Lillies in her wedding. But Lucius wanted purple Columbines, so Columbines is what they got.
And despite what some may have believed, she loved him. She found herself so incredibly fortunate to find someone to love, for if she didn’t, she would have to marry anyway. She had always been good at working with what she had. Adaption was a superior skill of hers, one that she thought highly of but also greatly disliked.
Usually adapting meant leaving things behind.
“Stop fussing with your hair, it’s already too loose,” her mother chastised, moving her hand away from her hair, which was done up on her head in a series of intricate braids.
“I’m just nervous.” She said, only lying a little. She was nervous, but only for the ceremony. Marrying Lucius was something she was sure about. It’s not like she didn’t understand what she was doing, for the good and the bad.
“Well, you don’t have to take your nerves out on your hair,” her mother said lightly. She knew she was making her mother proud, that is. She was doing something right.
Bellatrix suddenly walked into her room, in fancy attire herself. Her hair was down but Hydrangeas were carefully woven into it. “Father says he wants to talk to you in the foyer, mother,” she said casually.
Her mother nodded and smiled tightly, almost looking as if she was bracing herself before she walked out of the room.
Her marriage wouldn’t be like her parents, she decided.
“Oh, Cissy I love what you’ve done with your hair,” Bella came over and almost ironically started touching her hair.
“Yes, mother did it for me. You look very nice as well.” She said tightly, for it was a little hard to breathe in her corset and she couldn’t remember the last time she felt comfortable around Bella. Maybe she hadn’t at all without Andy present.
Bellatrix walked over to the stool their mother sat on moments before. She looked into their mirror where both of their faces stared back.
“You’re so grown up right now, my little sister.” Bella said, actually sounding gentle for a moment, like she really did feel things properly.
She stared into her own face, thinner and paler than when she was a child. She supposed at least then she played in the sun. Nobody really notices themselves growing, but when you look into the past, you feel so incredibly different. She mourned that little version of herself. The naive one.
“I feel grown up,” she simply said, having no need to be dishonest right now. “Everything feels so incredibly different, doesn’t it?”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Narcissa almost felt frustrated, because all that did was avoid the question and she wanted to know Bella felt like she did too, at least in some way, no matter how small. She’s felt so horribly alone for years now. Since Andromeda left.
“Aren’t I allowed to feel a little sad about it? I’m not a kid anymore, like you said. Isn’t that even the slightest bit terrifying?”
Her sister shook her head but continued in a soft voice, “it’s not scary, Cissy. All it is is progressing. You should be proud of how you changed.”
She didn’t say anything but Bella continued, “you should be proud of the person you grew into no matter the unfortunate things that happened. We all have to make sacrifices to live the right kind of life. Think of now, Cissy. Think of your future with Lucius.”
She was shocked into silence for a few seconds, because as much as she liked to linger in her memories, everything her sister said was right, and she couldn’t believe that.
“You’re right,” she said simply, but still found it hard to say. “I guess I just hang on to things too much. You know, it makes me sad.”
The entire conversation felt estranged in a way she never payed attention to so profoundly before. They were four years apart, and Bellatrix had always seemed so insanely older than her. Faster, bigger, and smarter; so much smarter. Andromeda had always been the one to bridge that gap between them, but since she had gone- or even before that, it was like they lived in completely different worlds.
“Bella?” Her sister looked at her, obviously expecting her to say more, but she couldn’t.
She just wanted some acknowledgment that she wasn’t the only one who thought like that. That Bellatrix knew about this huge gap between them, but cared enough to feel sad about it, to mourn it. Couldn’t they at least connect through grief if nothing else?
“Am I doing the right thing?” She asked instead, not even know where the question came from. Maybe it was dragged somehow from the deep depths of her mind.
There were a couple beats of silence where she watched her sister’s face do something entirely unusual. She looked sad. No, she looked like she was mourning. Though the expression changed so fast she was left wondering if she imagined it.
“You are on the path to becoming the best you can be.”
And then the estrangement was back and Narcissa felt herself physically disconnect from her sister in what felt like it would be the last time. Like somehow this was a goodbye when she knew they would continue to see each other for years. If it was goodbye, she didn’t want to feel sad, so she focused on the present.
“I am.” She said before checking the time, “Salazar, I’ve gotta get going!” She stressed, standing up and trying not to trip over her dress.
Even as she moved Bellatrix stayed sitting on the stool, staring up at her, as for once she was the taller one.
“Bella, I...” she wanted this final connection. Closure. “You’ll always be my older sister, you know? We’ll always have that.”
Bellatrix smiled. “Sisters, we have always been, Cissy.”
She still couldn’t help but wonder what Andy would think of her now.
That’s what she had left for anyway: love. Though she supposed it had always been more than that.
As she walked down the aisle, her family’s eyes on her, her mind was strangely blank. All she felt in the moment was her feet as they made the ascend to Lucius.
And as she said some of the most important words of her life she stopped feeling the eyes of the crowd on her, nor Lucius’. All she saw was herself as she grew so much in mere seconds. Her heart was loudly pulsing underneath her dress, perhaps the loudest thing in the room.
Her whole body felt tingly as she stepped down with the feet of a married woman.
The afterparty was more of an obligation than a celebration. She wondered if other people had the urge to sneak off at their own weddings.
That’s one thing that hadn’t changed from when she was younger. The urge to sneak off and be by herself. It’s just she couldn’t get away with it now.
“Sirius, Regulus.” She nodded respectively as her cousins came up to her.
“Congratulations on your marriage, Narcissa.” Sirius said flatly. It was a little out of character but she didn’t think to question it. Perhaps Sirius had finally learned to just do as he was told.
Somehow the thought scared her.
“Yes, best wishes, Cissy. I do hope you’ll be happy with him.” Regulus followed, much more genuinely.
Narcissa couldn’t say she had ever thought much for Regulus. He had always just been Sirius’ younger brother. Even as she got older and got over a lot of her resentment, she didn’t much of anything for him except pity.
“Thank you, cousins, and I assure you. I will be.”
Regulus sent a somewhat urgent look to her before looking to his mother, to Sirius, and then walking away. She tried not to think of what that meant. Because she didn’t have to anymore.
She had done her part.
All she had to do now was provide an heir.
Narcissa had given a lot of thought to motherhood, especially as of late when it had become a bit too much of a reality. She discerned that she really wouldn’t mind it. It might even be nice. She didn’t doubt it scared her as well. There was all this incredible pressure to mess up. To somehow please her family and be a mother that cared. One that explained and was patient and was good.
One like Andromeda. When she thought back, she was sure Andromeda was more of a mother to her than her actual mother was. At least in all the ways that counted.
She always had been, and Narcissa had been naive enough to believe she always would.
She wanted to have a child that she could adore and spoil and love. She wanted to be a great mother. One that would always, no matter what, keep her baby safe.
It felt like amends.
Lucius looked at her in a way she knew she would have swooned at as a little girl. He looked at her like she mattered. Like she was the only person in the whole room. Like everyone wasn’t judging them.
She loved him, but she couldn’t feel it quite like that. She knew that in all her life she would never only see Lucius in a room. Everyone else would be just as there.
But she knew she could do it now. This has always been destined for her and that was okay now, because she was going to have someone to love as purely as her sister did her.
And that could be enough for now, because it had to be.