Work Text:
Rashida had a lot on her plate that day. Work had been hectic, she had been calling clients since eight in the morning, one after the other. Most of them were as nice as people could be when receiving a pending bill call, but some of them… Rashida felt relieved imagining them being shat by birds, or falling into a sewer- But that wasn’t nice at all.
“Thank you,” she said to the barista when he placed a warm cup of oat milk matcha in her hand. She longed for quiet and her pending AO3 tabs. Sighing, she sat down on the table that was farthest from everyone.
As she was taking out her Kindle, a voice interrupted her.
"Hello”
Rashida looked up and was met with the most gorgeous girl she had ever seen. Tall, with shiny black hair and the most wonderful smile.
“H-Hey”
“Do you mind if I sit?” The furthest table at the emptiest cafe in the area and this girl wanted to sit with her? Weird.
Rashida simply shrugged,“Sure”. No preservation skills whatsoever.
The girl sat down, settling her cup on the table and directing her entire attention to Rashida. Rashida kept quiet, waiting for the girl to explain herself, eyes scanning her and then her surroundings, trying- and failing- to hide her interest.
“Hmm, you’re not going to ask me why I chose to sit here with you?”
“I’m sure you’re eager to tell, so…”
“Right to the point, huh,” she smiled, sipping from her cup as she crossed her legs. “I’m here for you”
“You sure are, otherwise you would’ve picked any other table to sit at,” Rashida couldn’t stop the words from leaving her mouth.
“You sure know how to make a point”
Rashida shrugged again and took a sip of her cup. Rather have something to distract her mouth with than to spill more unwanted words. Words that would cause the pretty girl to flee.
“I’m here for you ,” she repeated. “For real. I haven’t seen you in a long while”
“We have never met before”
“Oh, but we have. Even though,” she uncrossed her legs and leaned on the table, “you’re the person I have seen less times in my entire life”
“Does this kind of flirting work for you? Cause you may be pretty and all, but this is just plain weird” Rashida brought her cup to her lips and mimicked the girl, spreading her legs. She had had her fair share of weirdness for the day, that one old man trying to convince her to let him off the hook in exchange for a “night she'd never forget” had been enough, thank you.
“You wish I was flirting, love”
“Not working, pretty,” Rashida stated, feigning boredom as she went back to her Kindle, promptly ignoring the black-haired girl.
“Now why would you say that, Rashida?”
“How do you-,” Rashida asked, her attention shifting to the girl once more.
“Your cup, dummy,” she smiled, satisfied with herself. “I couldn’t have guessed that name, for sure”
Rashida frowned, she felt like she was playing a game she didn’t know the rules of.
“Now that I have your undivided attention again, let me ask you something,” she smiled like she knew something Rashida didn’t. It sent a tremble down Rashida’s spine.
The girl had the prettiest eyes Rashida had ever seen. A warm mix of honey and gold that had her whole undivided attention indeed. It reminded Rashida of… something she couldn’t quite place. It felt like she was missing something or someone she never had to begin with.
“Do you remember how you got that scar?” She pointed to a scar on Rashida’s left hand, between her thumb and index finger.
“It was dumb, why do you want to know?” she started playing absentmindedly with her hands, rubbing at the scar.
“Indulge me,” the girl demanded, sipping from her cup.
“I was eleven, I think, I was playing and a handrail fell over my hand on a rocky playground-”
“Because you threw one of those rocks at a cat that was sitting on top of it, minding her own business”
Rashida went a little pale and fell silent for a couple of seconds before standing up.
“I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing, but this is just-,” she put her Kindle away and started getting up, leaving her drink behind.
“Aren’t you curious?” the girl genuinely asked, leaning back in her seat once more. Her eyes fixed on Rashida.
The thing is, Rashida was curious. Who was this pretty girl who knew things about her past? Things only her dad, who was now long gone, had known. She stilled, sighed and turned to face the girl. The girl was about to speak when Rashida interrupted her.
“Don’t,” she used her index finger to gesture towards the girl. “I’m still debating whether to stay or get a restraining order against you”
“Restraining orders need a name, and you don’t know mine”
“What’s your name?”
“That’s not for you to know, yet,” her smile was a little condescending, but Rashida’s interest was already piqued. “If you choose to stay I’ll try my best and answer most of your questions”
“I’m not staying if you don’t tell me your name”
“Stubborn,” she kept on smiling, clearly amused. “You can call me Amara”
“Amara,” Rashida spoke slowly, savoring the name. The girl, Amara, shivered. “You don’t look like an Amara, though”
Rashida took her seat again, crossing her legs and arms. She had a frown on her face, she had a hard time trusting anything that came out of Amara’s mouth. Who even was she?
It was beyond Rashida’s rational mind why she chose to stay. She was ready to be scammed, to be mugged, or worse. She had always been a skeptical person, but there was something about Amara, about her eyes and the way she carried herself that felt familiar enough for Rashida to indulge her.
“I have many names, you see”
Rashida buffed, she was getting tired of this nameless game. As comfortable as she felt given the situation, Amara’s reluctance to answer directly was starting to get to her. “What are you, the devil?”
Amara laughed and Rashida felt delighted at the sound, annoyance vanishing immediately. This girl was mesmerizing.
“Not quite,” she was absolutely entertained. “The day I let the handrail fall on you for disturbing that poor cat, you didn’t cry, you just said ‘I kind of had that coming’ and lifted the rail with your free hand. Your dad’s face was priceless”
“How-” she uncrossed her arms, leaning forward to rest her forearms on her knees.
“I’m sorry about your dad, he was the only other person who I rarely paid a visit to,” she seemed sincere. Rashida was left speechless.
There were a few people who Rashida had told about her dad, and all of them pitied her. Amara was the only one who’s words felt truly sincere, like she was honestly sorry.
“What the fuck are you?”
“Mouthy,” Amara smirked. “I just am. It’d be weird if karma was a person, wouldn’t it?”
“Karma?”
“I prefer Amara, if you don’t mind”
Rashida nodded, taking it all in. It made no sense at all that Karma was a person. How? Why? Was it- she always like this? If she wasn’t a person, then why was she a person right now?
“I can see your head is working a hundred miles an hour, so I’ll let you process it. What are you drinking?” Amara got up, taking Rashida’s now empty cup.
“I think I’ll need something stronger than matcha to take this in”
Amara laughed again, it was exquisite. “I know just the place”
She didn’t say anything else. She didn’t need to, Rashida was hung up on this girl- this being? What even was she? So she picked up her belongings and followed Amara out the door.
Rashida was the kind of person to always wonder why. It consumed her, all the time, with everything. She wondered why her mom had died in childbirth, why her dad chose to keep her even though he could barely handle the whole being-a-dad thing the first few years of her life. She wondered why her life path had led her here, walking down the street with a pretty girl claiming to be Karma herself. Yet she didn’t have an answer to any of those questions. Just like Karma- Amara- had told her: it just was.
Rashida hugged herself tighter, it was beginning to get cold outside, the sky darkening by the minute. Amara walked slower than Rashida would’ve thought a cosmic being would walk. But then again, she had never encountered any before her, so…
“You said you’re here for me,” Rashida interrupted their comfortable silence, she had to. “Why?”
“I like it when you’re specific,” Amara chuckled and Rashida felt at loss. Was she being honest, or sarcastic?
Amara turned to face the short haired girl but didn’t stop walking. She smiled before answering, “We’re almost there”
She sped up, looking back to Rashida with a teasing smile. Almost like she was saying “ Catch me ”. Rashida let herself smile, slightly amused. She had no idea what she was doing, where she was following Amara to, but she went anyway.
____________________________________________________
“We’re here!” Amara exclaimed once they got to a small whole-in-a-wall bar. The lighting was low, and it seemed to be pretty much empty, except for a couple men on the stalls.
“So you are going to kidnap me, huh… Looks tacky,” Rashida made a face. “What even is this place?”
“Don’t be like that,” Amara chastised her. “You father loved it”
“Stop playing that card,” Rashida demanded, crossing her arms. “I don’t feel comfortable with you talking about my dad like you actually knew him”
“I did, though,” she said like it was obvious. “But I’ll stop”
“Can I ask now?” Rashida asked as they sat in a booth.
“We haven’t even ordered yet,” Amara raised her hand to call a waiter. She ordered for both of them. Rashida let her.
“I think you’ll like it,” Amara assured Rashida once their drinks were on the table. The girl rolled her eyes, how would she know? “You can ask now”
Rashida took a sip of her drink. It was sweet with a bitter aftertaste, it was good . The taste of peaches lingered as she finally got to ask.
“So, you are a cosmic being who gives people what they have coming in accordance with their actions… You’re not a person-” Rashida lifted her hand to place it on Amara’s forearm, who immediately flinched, breath hitching. “Oh, sorry, I-,” Rashida apologized as she pulled her hand back.
“Oh, no, it’s- it’s alright,” Amara’s breathing went back to normal as soon as Rashida stopped touching her. She smiled, a smile so big it reached her eyes. “Don’t worry about it, love. You were saying?”
“Oh, right,” Rashida was a bit embarrassed. “Hmm, did I do anything? You said you’re here for me, so I must’ve done something, right?”
Amara’s eyes were fixed on Rashida. She felt like prey, like a little mouse about to be pounced on by a hungry cat. She had a hard time evening her breaths, trying to keep a semblance of normalcy.
“That’s precisely it,” Amara took a sip of her drink, calmness radiating off of her. Her smile was unwavering. “I just-,” she took a deep breath and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear- a very human trait if you were to ask Rashida, who’s eyes were fixed on Amara’s every move.
“Yes?”
“I haven’t visited you in so long, I wanted to see the legend hanging on my wall with my own eyes,” Amara admitted, cutting to the chase. “The perfect golden girl who I have not seen in over a decade”
Amara’s gaze was so… piercing, so intense, Rashida had a hard time breathing. She felt seen, her legs trembled at the praise.
She had always known she wasn’t a bad person. She was aware she never did anything she didn’t wish others would do to her. She never acted on any bad thoughts she had of other people. She knew, deep within her, that they’d get what they deserved one way or the other. She had always known, so she never felt the need to take matters into her own hands, she never did.
“I’m hanging on your wall?” Rashida couldn’t for the life of her tell Amara that she believed Karma was real before actually meeting her, Amara had too much of an ego already. “Geez, I’ll need that restraining order after all,” she laughed, drinking from her glass. “I still don’t get it, though”
“And I don’t get you, so I guess we’re even, huh?”
“Not a chance, pretty,” Rashida spoke too quickly, crimson spreading on her cheeks. She took a sip from her drink to stop her mouth from uttering any more unwanted words.
“What? Cat get your tongue?” Amara teased, raising her eyebrows in amusement. “You still haven’t asked nearly enough questions”
“I…,” Rashida started playing with her glass, turning it in her hands. “Hmm, are you always visiting people around?”
“Jealous that I spend my time with people other than you, Rash?” Amara was playing with fire and it wasn’t fair.
“Call me that one more time and I’ll leave,” Rashida threatened, brows furrowing. She had never liked nicknames, not even her dad had given her one. “You did not answer, though”
“I only get this privilege once in a while and for a short period of time”, she sighed. “You could call it a holiday”
Amara kept the smile on her face, it was still unwavering. She knew something Rashida didn’t and it was more evident than ever.
“Cosmic beings have holidays?” The short haired girl laughed, not entirely believing Amara. “I still feel like you’re pranking me and there’s a hidden camera somewhere”
“I promise you there isn’t”
Rashida knew that was as much reassurance as she was going to get, so she left it at that. But there was something in Amara’s tone that made her feel at ease… She was definitely going mad, believing Amara. Strangely, she had made her peace with that already.
“Do you always look like this?”
“Like a twenty something with long, thick hair and killer eyebrows? Nah, that’s just what you like, love. I am moulded to whatever you want to see”
“Why? Do you change according to who you’re visiting?”
“I don’t get to visit a lot of people,” Amara admitted, sighing once more. “I am everywhere, and I see and sense everyone, but I-”
It happened quickly, in the blink of an eye. Amara’s face suddenly turned white and she stopped blinking, gaze fixed on the table. She was not moving. She probably wasn’t even breathing, if that’s a thing she did.
Rashida felt nervous to touch her again, so she didn’t. She waved a hand in front of her and Amara looked up, but there wasn’t an ounce of recognition on her face.
Rashida did not know what to do, how to help. So she did what she knew best in these kinds of situations: she talked.
“What’s happening, huh? You’re kind of scaring me, you know,” she admitted, still waving a hand in Amara’s face. “Are you giving away cosmic secrets?” Rashida teased, not liking the situation at all. “I won’t tell, and even if I do, who’s going to believe me?”
“Amara,” she pleaded. The girl blinked and Rashida felt like she could breathe again. She was still lost in thought, though. “I won’t tell. Plus, if I’m naughty, Karma is coming to get me, haven’t you heard? Amara-”
That sparked a reaction. Amara blinked again, and kept on blinking, taking in her surroundings. She gulped, “Is that right, love?”
“Geez, you scared me,” Rashida confessed, breathing out through her mouth. “What happened, is that- Does that tend to happen, or…?”
Amara tried to smile, but failed by a long shot. She finished her drink in one go and sighed again.
“I’m sorry,” Amara apologized. “I tend to have these episodes when I’m in human form, I hadn’t had one in ages. It’s- I get thrown back into memories and it’s sometimes too much for my human body to handle”
Rashida nodded, ordering them another round. Amara looked like she needed it. “You alright now?”
“Yeah, sorry…”
“Hey, look at me,” the girl pleaded. Amara’s eyes hadn’t left Rashida all evening, but right now it felt like she had a hard time looking Rashida in the eyes and it was making her uneasy. It wasn’t meant to be like that.
Amara looked up to Rashida’s face, her features softened.
“You don’t have to apologize, alright? I understand that being who, or what you are can take a toll on you. I mean, you’re a cosmic being and I have no idea how you work, but it most definitely has, you know, consequences,” Rashida gestured to her head. “Don’t apologize”
Amara’s eyes filled with tears. “I’d nearly forgotten,” she whispered. “You’re too good ”
Her voice broke, so she took a few breaths and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, a slight smile graced her face.
“I didn’t answer your question, love,” Amara spoke after the waiter left their drinks at the table. “My appearance depends on whatever you like”
Rashida was satisfied with the answer, so she left it at that.
____________________________________________________
Once she settled, Amara asked the waiter for yet another round. And then another. She asked Rashida about her, about her work and her dreams and whatever made her heart beat faster.
“I would’ve loved to be a marine photographer, that’s like my lifelong dream and- Well, I have already mourned all the people I didn’t become, so that’s that, but it would’ve been quite nice, don’t you think?”
“I do, I can totally picture it,” Amara spoke cautiously, like she was afraid of saying the wrong thing.
After the incident, her answers had been shorter, her words more precise and cautious. Like she was afraid of saying too much. Yet her smile returned to her face not long after, and Rashida came to terms with the fact that she very much liked it. Mostly when she smiled like that, knowingly, lovingly.
“What?”
“You tell me, you have this- this smile , and it’s just-” Rashida buffed, unable to explain herself. “It’s like you know something I don’t”
“I know many things you don’t know”
Rashida laughed. She was beginning to get used to the girl's way of saying things: bluntly and without any filters. Her answers were short, yes, but they were nothing if not direct.
“Is it true that you knew my dad?”
“I was beginning to wonder if you’d ever ask me,” Amara took a sip from her glass. They had ordered a bottle of wine to share, they- Amara- thought it fit. “I did. He was a gentleman, an honest man”
“The first time I visited him it was when he keyed a man’s car because said man had bumped into him in the grocery store lane and made him spill an entire can of soda on his new clothes,” Amara laughed. “He was fifteen at the time”
“Fifteen?”
“Oh yes, he was young. I didn’t even know he was going to be your dad. It made sense later, when he had you, why I had been drawn to him-” Her eyes opened and she immediately shut her mouth.
“Why me, again?”
“We’re getting ahead of ourselves,” Amara sighed. “I don’t know why I am drawn to you, I just am”
“If this is your attempt at flirting again, it is working, pretty,” Rashida claimed, sipping from her drink.
Amara laughed, like she hadn’t since the incident, and Rashida felt alive again. As lighter as she felt, she still wanted to ask Amara something else, something she knew would probably hurt her.
“I need to ask you one more thing,” Rashida inhaled deeply, letting the air out through her mouth. “Do you know why he…?”
“We never got the chance to speak,” Amara confessed. “Not like this, anyway. I would’ve loved to, but I couldn’t. And I couldn’t help him later on, either. I am deeply sorry for that, I wish I could’ve done more, I really do”
Rashida let out the breath she wasn’t aware she had been holding. It made sense, maybe it was inevitable, maybe it was meant to happen that way. Another ‘why’ she’d never get to know the reason behind.
Amara’s eyes were teary when Rashida looked up to her.
“Oh, don’t cry. It’s alright, I made my peace with this long ago,” Rashida assured her. “He did what he did and that’s that, I don’t resent him anymore”
Rashida’s vision blurred and she closed her eyes to stop the tears from falling. She’d never know why her dad had done it, but she had made her peace with it. She felt tears streaming down her face just as she felt a warm hand on her cheek, gently caressing her face and cleaning the tears. It felt soothing, like that touch alone could mend her in ways she never thought possible.
She opened her eyes to Amara’s eyes sparkling with something close to fascination. She smiled, eyes red-rimmed, then leaned back on her seat.
“Fancy a walk?”
____________________________________________________
Amara seemed to know the city perfectly, just like the palm of her hand. She took them around the most crowded places downtown and the path seemed to open before them, no one dared to bother even though Rashida knew they were zigzaging due to the booze in their systems.
“Can they see you, or do I seem like a crazy lady who’s talking to herself?”
“They can see me, just like you see me. They can touch me, just like you can”
“Can they, though?” Rashida scoffed.
“Stubborn, mouthy, possessive… Hmmm, the list is growing longer, love”
Amara smiled, looking up into the sky as she took a deep breath. She looked at ease. When she turned back to Rashida, the girl was smiling back, knowingly.
“Well, you did say you came to see me . You can’t take it back, pretty”
“Never,” Amara whispered. Her gaze was so intense, Rashida thought she wouldn’t be able to handle it. She felt Amara could pierce her soul with her golden eyes, and Rashida would gladly let her. “What about Ra? Can I call you that?”
“Ra? Like the Egyptian deity?”
“You shine as bright as the sun, love, so might as well”
Rashida stopped on her tracks. Her heart was beating faster, and she could feel her cheeks aflame. She took a deep breath. If a cosmic deity, being, whatnot, was flirting with her, she might as well…
“I like it better when you call me love , pretty,” Rashida turned on her heel to say it to the deity’s face.
Amara smiled, highly pleased with the outcome. She walked straight into Rashida’s personal space, taking her hand in hers and pulling closer. Amara placed her free hand on Rashida’s neck, gently pulling their foreheads together, a gesture so tender it made Rashida’s heart ache.
Just as they pressed their foreheads together, Rashida sighed at the same time Amara’s breath hitched, like something caught her off guard. Rashida could feel the girl trembling in her hands, yet she didn’t dare open her eyes.
They stayed there, eyes closed and foreheads pressed together.
Nothing had ever felt like this for Rashida. She felt… A sort of comfort, a peace one could only feel when coming home after a long time of being away. She felt at ease, she felt- Tears streaming down their faces.
“What is it?” She opened her eyes to Amara’s teary ones.
“Nothing,” Amara was out of breath, eyes lost in thought, but not letting her grip on Rashida weaken. They stayed like that for a couple seconds before Amara came back to herself. “You look just as beautiful as… You’re always so beautiful , love”
Rashida let out a small laugh. She could not believe what was happening. She’d been missing this feeling for so long, it almost felt foreign to her. Except it didn’t, it felt familiar, fitted like an old glove.
____________________________________________________
“This does look like a place you’d live in,” Amara sighed, happy that Rashida had chosen to invite her back to her place.
“Thanks?”
“I mean it in the best possible way, love,” Amara assured her. “You’ve made a very beautiful home”
There were plants everywhere, along with mismatched furniture with different textures and colors. A lot of different artist’s prints hung on the walls and little warm light lamps adorned the living room of Rashida’s apartment.
Rashida was frantic, she invited Amara over for the one thing she didn’t even know was on the table. She had to do what she did best with Amara and just ask.
“Why did you agree to come home with me?”
“Because you asked,” Amara smiled, “quite prettily at that”
Rashida had said please, several times in fact. She turned crimson at the memory. She had been touch starved for months now, a girl was only so strong…
“But why?”
“You’re not being specific enough, love”
“What did you come here to do?”
“That’s for you to decide,” Amara sat on the couch and leaned back, like she owned the place. It made Rashida’s knees tremble.
“You are a cosmic being and I’m literally just a girl, so… Is it possible?” she asked, not really asking what she wanted.
“You can touch me, can’t you?”
Rashida shrugged. She could touch, but the only time she did, Amara had a wild reaction, she didn’t fancy seeing that again. Fear was clear on her face, for Amara was quick to say, “I can’t promise I won’t react like before, it happens out of nowhere, but I will if you’ll have me”
Rashida smiled and walked the remaining steps towards her couch, clumsily climbing onto it, bracketing Amara’s legs with her own.
“Hello, love,” Amara’s smile was still plastered on her face. She reached for the girl’s waist and pulled her closer together. Rashida whimpered. “So beautiful”
“Please,” Rashida pleaded in a whisper, face coming dangerously close to Amara’s.
“Stubborn, mouthy, possessive and needy?” she quivered. “You have no idea what you’re doing to me”
Amara’s hands roamed through Rashida’s back, then down to her waist and then lower. She hummed as Rashida moaned, leaning to rest her forehead on Amara’s shoulder.
Rashida noticed Amara didn’t smell like anything, not even the booze she could clearly smell radiating off of her own body. She thought it curious, but a little mole on Amara’s neck caught her attention before she could bring herself to say anything. She pressed a gentle kiss, followed by sucking a little, marking her long neck just because she could.
“Hmm, leaving marks already? You’re so…,” she couldn’t finish because Rashida pressed her lips to hers, Rashida’s hands coming to cradle Amara’s face. She felt so warm, and soft- “Stop, stop!”
Rashida was on top of Amara one moment, and the next she was on the floor.
“The fuck? Amara-”
The girl was taking a deep breath, crawling away from Rashida like she had been burnt. “Oh, Gods, oh no…”
Rashida tried to come closer, but Amara stopped her by putting her hands in front of her body. Her face was pale and her eyes were teary.
“It’s all my fault,” Rashida heard Amara whisper. “Oh Gods, I’m so sorry, I- How could- Gods, you’ll hate me, I-”
Amara stood up, still hyperventilating and went to open the window. Rashida feared she could jump, so she quickly grabbed her by the wrist, turning her around to face her.
“Hey, it’s alright, are you-”
“I’m so sorry,” Amara cried as she let a full sob fall from her mouth. Rashida had never heard anything more devastating, ever. “I- I can’t- You, oh Gods, I’m so sorry, Rashida”
Rashida felt something in the pit of her stomach. She knew this feeling quite well, they had become acquainted over the years. She knew she was about to receive bad news.
“What for?”
Amara crumbled into Rashida’s arms, sobbing. “I never meant for it to happen like this, oh Gods, I am- It’s all my fault, I- And you-”
She was making no sense to Rashida, no sense whatsoever. But she let her sob for what felt like hours, holding her in place. Amara’s grip was tighter by the minute, but Rashida stayed put, holding back just as tight.
____________________________________________________
After what felt like hours on end, Amara sighed and finally let go of Rashida. She cleaned her face with her sweater paw and looked up into Rashida’s eyes.
“I am sorry-”
“Don’t apologize-”
“No, let me finish,” Amara pleaded, eyes puffy. “Gods, I don’t know how to tell you this… Let’s sit”
They sat. Rashida was so lost. It had been fine one moment, it finally felt like the pieces were falling in place, like it was meant to happen and then-
“You don’t owe me anything, but it’d like it if you explain what’s going on”
“Of course,” Amara put as much distance as possible between her and Rashida once they were sitting on the couch. It stinged.
“What I am about to tell you will probably make no sense to you, but- I can show you, if you like, just know that it was never my intention, I just wanted-”
Rashida’s brows furrowed. Amara wasn’t being direct, so whatever she was going to say was definitely not a good thing. She kept quiet, expecting Amara to fill the charged silence.
“There’s a reason I’m drawn to you, Rashida,” she took a deep breath. “We know each other, we’ve known each other for… a long time now. I always come back to you, in every lifetime”
“Why?” Rashida gulped. She didn’t wish to hope, nothing good ever came out of hoping, it was best to expect nothing. If what Amara told her was true, then why was she crying for hours?
Amara laughed without humor. “You’re not going to like what I have to say about that”
“Let me be the judge of that,” Rashida countered. “You think I can’t handle it?”
“It’s my fault that you’re tied to me, and I to you. I… couldn’t let you go the first time”
Rashida knew this feeling, it felt familiar. Soul crushing, heavy and ugly. The weight of a truth long forgotten.
“There’s a reason I can only be in this form once every lifetime and just for a couple days… The gods weren’t happy that I broke the rules and made the impossible happen for you, so of course they punished you for it”
Amara’s eyes were fixed on the carpet, lost in thought as she told Rashida everything she knew.
Punish her? For living? What could they take from her that-
“My dad-,” Rashida choked back a sob. It never truly made sense why her dad did what he did, not really. He was happy, he was- “ They killed him?”
“I- They kill off the person closest to you in every lifetime because of me ,” her eyes welled up with tears. Guilt was weighing her down. “I- It was never my intention, you know? I just- I couldn’t lose you, I can never lose you, Rashida”
“Why me?” She knew it was her, she felt it. She knew. Yet she couldn’t understand why .
“Can’t you see how good you are?” Amara was desperate, a little bit angry at Rashida’s impossibility to see why Amara had chosen her every time. “You’re so good , Rashida… So good that I don’t get to see you that often, that was my punishment. I tried to make you evil once… It backfired, that’s why I almost forgot you this time”
“So… You’re- Shit”
“I’m sorry, love,” Amara spoke, almost choking on guilt. “I never meant for any of it to happen, I just wanted you ”
“Yet you get me in every single lifetime, don’t you?” Amara nods. “Why?”
“That’s a question I have no answer to, I’m afraid,” she let her hand get closer to Rashida’s space. “Once in a lifetime I get to be this- this embodiment of a person? I just- I guess they thought it funny, punishing me so I could only do it when they wanted me to and erasing my memories, but somehow I can always find my way back to you when I’m like this”
“This is fucking nuts, you know that, right?”
Amara nodded. “That’s why I sort of remembered you back at the bar… You felt familiar in a way I couldn’t quite place”
“Your eyes seem familiar to me, I can’t quite place it either. But I can’t- I don’t remember you from before ”
“You came to terms with it quite fast, love”
Rashida shrugged. “Babe, you kissed me and literally had lifetimes of flashbacks and a huge breakdown because my loved ones get killed because of you every single time? I mean, it sort of makes sense? You wouldn’t be that affected if it wasn’t true. And I kind of… feel it, too?”
Amara smiled and leaned right into Rashida’s arms, pressing a quick peck to her lips.
“You’re always so good to me, love. Tell me what you felt, please”
“I-” Rashida was caught out of guard, talking about her feelings was always hard, but this time, it flowed like water in a river, free and unrelenting. “From the moment you sat with me in the coffee shop I just- I wouldn’t have let just anyone sit, you know? There was something about you, about your eyes and the way you talk, it just- I felt at ease, comfortable even though I didn’t know you”
“I- I always kind of knew you existed. I don’t know how, but- When you say I’m too good, hmm, I guess I am but not for the reasons you think,” Rashida let out a small laugh. “I’ve kind of always known people get what they deserve, you just have to be patient enough for it to happen. So I always did nothing, I didn’t have to because I knew you would be coming to get them. Well, you as in Karma”
Rashida was red in the face, from either talking too much or embarrassment or both, she had no idea; but she was happy to let it out.
“Cute,” Amara spoke, tracing Rashida’s eyebrow with her finger. “You… Would you like to see? I can show you the first time, and pretty much everything in between”
“I… I think I’d like that, pretty”
____________________________________________________
A cottage, warm summer nights. Long dresses and unwashed hair. The smell of salt in the air.
Golden eyes.
“Hello, my love”
A knowing smile. A kiss.
A horrid cry. Pain everywhere. A darkness so cold, cold, cold-
“ Please, please, please ”
The warm feeling of relief. A hug.
“There you are, I thought I lost you, my love”
*
“Who are you? This is wrong, we can’t-”
Corsets, high heavy sets of hair, the smell of booze and food mixed with something sweeter. Big golden halls to match with big lies and golden eyes.
“Hey, love”
“I don’t know you”
“You will”
*
A soft breeze, the smell of salt and sunblock in the air.
“Could you help me? My kid-”
“He’s gone, love”
“But-”
Hot tears. Crimson hatred. The heavy weight of resentment.
“It’s always your fault, then?”
*
“I think I know you”
“You’re too good, love”
“Do I know you?”
Pink skies, the smell of cotton candy, of popcorn and the distinct smell of fire being burnt.
“You don’t want to”
“I think I already do, pretty”
A knowing smile. A kiss.
Moles on golden skin. A horrid scar from past lives in between the index finger and thumb.
More .
“Promise me, pretty”
“I promise, my love, in every life”
*
Cold wind. Crisp nights and frozen lips.
“You promised”
“I’m here”
A hug. A kiss. A familiar freckle on the back of a neck.
“Yet you’re leaving me”
“You know I can’t stay, love… They won’t let me”
“We’ll show them, then, next time”
A long awaited farewell.
*
“What did I do? Gods-”
“What do you mean, pretty? Do I know you? You seem familiar”
Golden red-rimmed eyes. A mirror.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this, you are…”
A cruel laugh. A crimson river.
“What? Karma takes too long, someone’s gotta take care of it”
Sorrow, pain, grief. Goodness long lost.
“You’re too good, love, you can’t-”
“Oh, but they told me to. Said you needed help this time around”
A manic laugh. A desperate kiss.
Rejection.
“Not like this, love”
“You promised”
Resignation. An unbearable weight on heavy shoulders.
*
Teary golden eyes. Recognition.
A knowing smile.
“Hey, stranger”
“I know you, don’t I? You’re familiar”
A kiss. A fight.
“Every single time, pretty… He wasn’t you, but he was very close, and he’s gone because of you… And yet-”
A kiss. Forgiveness.
“Come back to me, promise me”
“I promise, love, I’ll find my way to you again”
Relief. A tight hug.
“Will it be different?”
A shake of the head.
And yet.
____________________________________________________
Rashida came back with tears streaming down her face and a hole in her chest. A deep sinking feeling found home in her heart.
“Do you remember, after leaving me?”
Amara, who’s sitting at the edge of the coffee table, just nods.
“You- and I- have to live with the knowledge of everything and then when I die we forget?”
“They let me remember sometimes, when they know you won’t be born until many, many years later. They’re cruel like that”
“I’ll make them pay,” she screams, furious. “How dare they?! I’ll- Ugh, I’ll just be mean so you can come visit me even though I can’t see you, I’ll-”
“Please don’t. Last time you tried that, they brought you back like Jack the fucking Ripper, remember?”
“When does it stop, huh? I- I know you can’t bare the pain of losing me, but you do, every single time, Amara”
“But I get you back, every single time”
“Is that- You get a week with me, and then you have to live God knows how many years without me, knowing I am somewhere out there but can’t see me, or touch me, or- How can that be enough? I can’t bear it, it’s not fair!”
“It’s what we get, love, and I’d rather have that than not having you at all”
Amara stood up to press a gentle kiss on top of Rashida’s head.
“I’d choose this, you , over anything in every single life”
Rashida closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
She opened her eyes and pulled her Amara closer. She sat back on the couch and let Amara straddle her legs.
She leaned up at the same time Amara dipped down to kiss her. A softness she didn’t remember, a tenderness that filled the hole that was opening in her chest.
“You’re mine, always,” Amara whispered in Rashida’s ear just before dipping down further into her chest, and lower, kissing and licking, removing every piece of clothing on her way.
“And you say I’m the possessive one?” Rashida mocked her, but did nothing to stop the path Amara had started wandering to.
Sparks, a hot splash of something familiar, an all consuming feeling. A laugh, a deep moan, a whimper followed by a cry of joy, of release.
Moles on Amara’s neck. A terrible scar on Rashida’s right hand.
Rashida’s breath was slowing down, Amara’s arm wrapped around her like a blanket, shielding her from the cold.
“What if we consciously decide this is it?” she asked, not knowing if Amara was still awake or not. “Can we decide when it stops? I think- We could decide this is the last time . You let me go and we make it stop”
“I can’t,” her arms squeezed Rashida tighter, her nose buried in the girl’s neck.
“You will,” Rashida forced her to look up at her. She pleaded, “I never ask anything of you other than to promise me you’ll find me again, and again, and again”
“Well this time I need you to promise me something else,” her voice trembled, she couldn’t believe what she was about to ask. She wanted to believe Amara would do this for her, she at least had to try. “Promise me you’ll let me go”
Amara was shaking her head violently, her eyes filled with tears. No, no, no .
“I want you to mean it, Amara,” she pleaded. “Even if it’s just for a moment, alright? I need you to try and let me go. Maybe it won’t work, but I need you to promise me you’ll try to let me go. For me, promise me, please ”
It takes a long moment for Amara to answer. So long, Rashida thinks she’s already fallen asleep.
“I- I can’t resent you for this, love. As much as you don’t resent me for every bad thing I have caused you,” she takes a deep breath and moves to face Rashida. “I promise you I’ll try my very best to let you go. I promise ”
Rashida pressed a gentle kiss to her lover’s lips.
____________________________________________________
They got a week, like every other time.
Sunshine, long walks, a visit to an aquarium.
A laugh, a kiss. Lots of kisses, actually.
More .
Golden eyes. Knowing smiles.
“Promise me, again”
“I promise you, my love”
____________________________________________________
“Oh, sorry!”
Rashida had been used to being pushed around corridors, people tended not to see her from time to time.
“It’s alright, don’t-”. Golden eyes stared right through her. “I wasn’t looking, I’m sorry”
“It was totally my fault,” a warm smile. “Are you new here? I haven’t seen you before”
“No, I’m not- I’m Rashida”
“Never would’ve guessed that name, for sure,” the golden-eyed girl laughed. “You can call me Amara”
“You don’t look like an Amara”
“And yet you look familiar… Do I know you?”
“Nah, I don’t think so. I’d remember those eyes”
“Pleasure to meet you, then”
“The pleasure is mine, pretty”
A knowing smile. A promise fulfilled.