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Is it gay in here or is it just me?
''Are you sure it's okay to do this without Chim? He is the bachelor…''
Eddie shrugs. ''He didn't really want a party in the first place. Besides, we never do this, we never go out anymore.'' Eddie's voice almost sounds whiny.
Buck sighs. ''Yeah that's true, I've missed us- I mean this.'' He feels the heat creep up in his neck and quickly breaks his eye contact with Eddie.
Eddie sighs, oblivious to Buck's slip-up. ''Yep, me too. Besides I've delivered Chris at Pepa's and I'm ready for a night to myself.''
Bucks foot twists on the floor beneath him. ''I just wished… that he didn't blow us off you know.''
Eddie shoots a calculating look at Buck. ''Who, chim?''
''Nah, he gets to choose whatever he wants tonight. As long as he shows up for Maddie tomorrow, and doesn’t go too crazy. I'm talking about Tommy,'' his hand makes a vague gesture in the air, ''just disappearing, again .''
Eddie slaps Buck on his shoulder. ''Well, I can’t solve it for ya, but I can get you a drink.''
Buck grins. ''That sounds perfect.''
A drink quickly turns into four, and Eddie loosens up with every single one. After one he starts to giggle, after two he starts to dance, after three he starts to sing and after four he takes over the DJ table. Buck proudly dances next to him, seeing the sweat build up on Eddie's forehead, trickling down his neck and into his shirt.
Buck has a boyfriend. Buck is with Tommy. Yet he can barely keep himself from imagining his best friend's sweat on his own skin, his hands in Eddie's sweaty neck and sweaty hair while he pulls him in for a hot and fierce kiss.
Kissing Eddie would definitely be hot and-
Oh god, he is drunk, and he is fantasising about kissing Eddie, while he is in a committed relationship with his hot helicopter boyfriend.
But there is a little nagging voice dancing around his alcohol ridden brain.
Tommy left you. Tommy didn't want to dress up. Eddie did, kissing Eddie would be-
He shushes the voice. No. He has a boyfriend, and Buck is a committed partner. Maybe he should lay off the alcohol a bit.
But before he can even really finish that thought another shot is shoved in his hands by a stranger, Eddie has one too, they clink their glasses together and a little spills out over Bucks hand.
''Cheers!'' Yells Eddie over the loud and pounding music.
Buck smiles at Eddie and throws the drink back, the liquor burning in his throat. Eddie slinks his arm around Buck and Buck's arm finds a way around Eddie's sweaty neck. Buck's sticky tequila hand brushes over Eddie's cheek and they loudly sing along to songs, their pitch horribly off, but for some reason Eddie's voice always sounds just perfect to Buck.
''I like this song!'' Eddie yells.
Buck yells back. ''I liked it too! Before you started to yell along!''
They both grin and Eddie starts to sing even louder, Buck joins him and the strangers around him rave. The lights are dizzying and the sounds pound in Bucks head, but it is nice, it's always nice to be with Eddie.
He doesn't know when or how they ended up in front of the Chim's hotel room, but he remembers someone saying: ''Maybe we should take the party to him!'' And that was the best idea he has ever heard. Maybe he said it himself?
''Chimney!!!'' His fists pound on the door and he waits for Chim to open. Chim doesn't. ''Ugh… come on.'' he groans. The crowd of strangers standing behind him, waiting for this door to open, waiting to party in another space.
''It's uh locked.'' He sighs at Eddie. Eddie's face fills with disappointment and suddenly Buck wants to fix everything, he wants that look to go away, and he never wants it to return again. ''You got a key?'' He asks Eddie hopefully.
Eddie smiles. ''You don't need a key.'' His hand finds Buck's shoulder with a surge of determination. ''We're firefighters.''
Buck smiles back. ''We are.''
The crowd behind then cheers and Eddie kicks the door in. And well, that might have been the hottest thing Buck has ever seen. He could climb Eddie like-
Nope. Nope. Nope. He has a boyfriend.
Tomorrow when he is not incapacitated by alcohol he will think about what all of these feelings mean, what everything means. But tonight he is here to party.
The hotel room is entirely quiet, he only hears his own voice when he yells out for Chimney. ''Oh, he must still be in bed.'' He says to Eddie.
Eddie walks in behind him. ''Maybe we should let him sleep for a bit. He is getting married tomorrow.''
Buck agrees and the party crowd follows into the room, chattering excitedly. For a second Buck hesitates. Then he grins. ''We just have to keep it down then.''
They in fact did not 'keep it down'.
At all .
Within thirty minutes Eddie's sleeves are ripped off his shirt, and there is a new layer of sweat forming on his skin as he jumps up and down next to Buck, loudly screaming and his hands flailing around in the air.
Bucks promise to lay off the alcohol is empty, just like the bottles now surrounding them. The drinks get poured into Bucks mouth, half of it missing and spilling over Bucks face, leaving a sticky layer of sugary liquor.
If he would kiss Eddie now, would their lips stick together?
He blames the alcohol for this newfound thought. Okay. He blames the alcohol and the fact that Eddie is now nearly shirtless, the remains of his blouse loosely draped around his muscles. Around his perfectly chiselled biceps.
Buck has a boyfriend.
But Buck also has eyes. And Eddie Diaz is a gorgeous man.
Yeah. He should probably talk to Tommy. If he even remembered any of this tomorrow. He knows he probably won't remember anything, and he also knows that might be for the best. For good measure and reassurance he throws back another shot and holds up the empty glass in the air with a roar.
The crowd around him roars with him and for a moment he feels like he is on top of the world.
That moment doesn't last forever. Because in the blink of an eye he is on the ground, loudly panting. The room around him prickled with silence, the noise of the night still pounding in his head.
He is on the floor, on his back, next to Eddie who is in a similar position. Everyone else has left.
They stare at the ceiling in silence and after a moment Buck thinks Eddie has fallen asleep.
''That was fun.'' Eddie sighs.
''You are not asleep.'' Buck points out.
Eddie giggles. ''Maybe I am and this is a dream.''
Buck hums. ''You dream every night, you know. Most of the time you just forget before you wake up.''
Eddie nods. ''I knew that, you told me.''
Buck sighs. ''Oh, sorry.''
'''Does not matter,'' Eddie burps, ''I like to hear you ramble.''
''Oh.'' Buck says again.
Buck feels his cheeks warm up, and he knows it's not from the alcohol, it's just, Tommy never really cares for his facts and deep dives into all kinds of topics and Eddie just always wants to hear them, no matter when and no matter what.
''We need to make sure Chris never does this.'' Eddie mutters while closing his eyes.
''Do what?'' Buck asks.
''Drink like this.'' Eddie slowly opens his eyes but when he sees the room has not stopped spinning he closes them again.
Buck sighs. ''But it is sooo much funnn.''
''It was fun.'' Eddie states. ''Don't think 't will be fun 'morrow morning.''
Buck shakes his head in response and immediately regrets it. His head pounds with the movement. ''You are right It's not fun anymore.''
''Headache?'' Eddie asks.
''Yeah.'' Buck sighs.
Eddie slowly gets up from the ground and steadies himself on the wall. ''Come on.'' He says. And he waits while Buck slowly finds his balance.
Buck blinks and suddenly he is alone and sitting on the couch, Eddie out of his sight, his damp clothes pressing against the soft white cushioning. He slowly stokes the fabric of the couch cushion, it feels nice against his hands and he smiles down at the couch. ''Nice couch, yeah, you are nice.'' Buck feels like crying, he wants the couch to know that it's nice, what if no one ever told it that before?
He blinks again and Eddie is back. He flops down on the couch carrying two cold wet hand towels. ''One for you.'' He says handing one of the towels to Buck. ''One for me.'' He says while leaning back and placing the towel on his forehead.
Buck follows his example and he nearly groans at the relief it brings. ''Oh, you are great.'' He mutters to Eddie. He feels like if the couch should know it's nice, Eddie should know it too. ''You are nice.'' He says to Eddie, then he adds. ''And this is a nice couch.''
Eddie looks up. ''Huh. Yeah. It's pretty nice.'' His hands run over the fabric. ''So soft.''
Buck looks over at Eddie and smiles.
"What?'' Eddie asks.
''Nothing.'' Buck mutters. But Eddie is just so nice, and he is so friendly to the couch. And he got him a cold towel and-
''Why u sad?'' Eddie asks worriedly.
''Am not.'' Buck states. But he feels a tear roll down his cheek.
They sit in silence for a while. Then Buck blurts out. ''What if- what if- I am going to end up alone? I don't wanna end up alone. Then i would be- all alone.''
Eddie sighs. ''You are not alone.''
Buck looks over at Eddie while he fidgets with the towel. ''Maddie has Chim now, Bobby has Athena, Hen and Karen…'' He stops for a moment. ''And you have Chris, and I am all alone.''
Eddie's hand finds Bucks. ''You have me.'' He says while squeezing Buck's hand.
Buck blushes. ''That's true. I have you.''
Eddie sighs. ''We are not mar-married.''
Buck nods. He is pretty drunk, but he knows for a fact he is not married to Eddie.
''I just mean…'' Eddie says. ''Everyone is married. I like rings. I want a ring.''
''Oh.'' Buck says, a little confused. ''You can wear one.'' The last time Buck checked you could just wear a ring if you wanted to.
Eddie groans. ''I like wedding rings.''
''Oh.'' Buck sighs again.
Eddie sits up and looks at Buck. ''What if-'' He sighs. ''Never mind, is stupid.''
Buck whines. ''Noooo Eddie tell me.''
Eddie hesitates. ''What if.. We get married if we are still single in five years.''
Bucks head shoots up, the movement aggravating his throbbing head. He presses his hand against his forehead while he groans in pain. ''Five years is long.''
Eddie nods. "I need time to try to find a wife.'' His face scrunches up in disgust. ''I don't want to date. Hate dates.''
Buck sighs again and twists the fabric of his shirt. ''I meant five years might be too long. I don't want to be alone for that long.''
''Oh.'' Eddie says. ''Three years?''
Buck hums. ''Sounds better.'' Suddenly his head turns to Eddie, his expression panicked. ''Eddie, you do know that I am a man right?''
Eddie groans. ''Shit. Haven’t thought of that.''
Buck feels his heart sink. And immediately feels guilty for kind of wanting to marry Eddie, but he is a man, and Eddie doesn't like men, but Eddie is handsome and kind, and he smells great, and he is hot and-
He has a boyfriend for god's sake.
The point is that Eddie would find a nice girl really easily, it would be an honour to marry a guy like Eddie, unfortunately he won't marry Buck. And that hurts a tiny little bit somewhere in Buck's stomach. He blames it on the alcohol, that's way easier than whatever kind of mess this is.
Eddie looks sad, and the last thing Buck wants is for Eddie to be sad, he reaches out for Eddie and rests his hand on his shoulder. ''Don- be sad, you will find a nice girl.''
Eddie sighs again, his exhale full of despair and dread.
He takes Eddie's hand and helps him up. ''We need to dance. We aren't being sad tonight.''
Eddie shuffles over to the stereo and starts to fiddle with the buttons, the first couple of songs are not up to his liking, they are loud and upbeat. He turns again and then stops for a second. ''I like this one.''
He walks over to Buck. ''It's 'sparks' by Coldplay. Used to play this for Chris.''
He sighs and lets himself fall tinto Buck's arms. The music carries them away and for a second they exist only in the tune of the music, their limbs tangled together, and their heat mixing.
Buck sighs and slowly dances while Eddie sticks to his chest. And the world stops existing for a while.
This would be a good wedding song. Buck thinks, and the music slowly seeps into the room, Eddie's skin warm against his arms.
''But I promise you this
I'll always look out for you
Yeah, that's what I do''
The music fills Bucks chest with pain and ache. Eddie would always look out for him, but Eddie will never marry him, and this slow dancing thingy is only because they are too drunk to think clearly. Sober Eddie would never do this, Buck wishes he did. Buck wants to slow dance with Eddie every day.
''My heart is yours
Its you that I hold on to
Yeah, that's what I do''
Eddie clings onto his shirt and buries his head in Bucks neck. His breath tickles Buck's skin, and it sends a shiver down his spine, and it's something he has never felt before in his life. Bucks sticky tequila hands grab onto Eddie's shirt and they both hold on like they never want to let go, and they never want this moment to end. And maybe Buck never wants it to end, what would be so bad about that?
''And I saw sparks.''
Yeah, Buck thinks, I see the sparks every time I look at Eddie, and now I can feel them too. And oh god-
Buck has a boyfriend.
He shakes the thought, he would talk to Tommy tomorrow, Buck has the strange feeling Tommy wouldn't mind breaking up. Tommy is nice, but he is not nice like Eddie, Tommy doesn't know Buck that well.
He doesn't know how messed up Buck is yet, and he will leave when he finds that out, when he sees Buck for what he really is; broken.
It's best to get it over with already, and break up with Tommy before the inevitable happens. Everyone leaves when they see who Buck truly is. Everyone except Eddie. Eddie knows everything and all the corners of Buck's mind, he knows Buck's mistakes, wrong turns, failures and still looks at him like Buck is the most perfect thing in the world.
But he can worry about that tomorrow, because tonight he just wants to slip away in Eddie's arms, drift away on the wave of music and live in a world where Eddie loves him back.
The song comes to an end and another starts to play. Eddie stays hidden in the crook of Buck's neck. And mumbles something. Buck can't make out what he says. ''What?'' He asks.
Eddie lifts his head up and Buck immediately feels cold. He shouldn't have asked. He shouldn't have interrupted this perfect moment.
Eddie sighs. ''I don't want to date. I haven't had a date in so long. Maybe I forgot how to kiss.''
Eddie buries himself in Bucks neck again and a wave of contentment nearly drowns him. ''I don't think you can forget how to kiss, you will be fine Eddie.''
Eddie sighs in Bucks neck. ''Are you a good kisser?''
Buck shrugs, his shoulders moving Eddie's head up and down while he sways along with the music. ''Dunno, never had any complaints tho.''
Eddie grabs onto Buck's arms. ''I could grade you?''
Buck flushes and his muscles tense. ''You would do that for me?''
Eddie leans more into Buck. ''For you I would do anything.''
Buck sighs and sways back and forwards for a while. ''I have a boyfriend though, don't think he likes me kissing other people.''
Eddie's grip loosens, but his face stays buried safely against Buck. ''Oh, yeah. Right. Tommy. ''
They sway for another song and with the blink of an eye they are back on the couch again. Eddie's leg pressing against his, like it has done so many times before. Eddie's head rests on the edge of the couch and he sighs loudly.
''I don't know how to be a boyfriend.'' Eddie runs a hand through his hair. ''No woman ever stays, I don't know what I do wrong. I just can't do it.''
Buck turns his head towards Eddie. ''What do you do with women?''
Eddie groans. ''I don't know, I get so uncomfortable and awkward. It feels weird when they take my hand and stuff.''
Buck stares at the ceiling and lets out a long exhale. After a moment of silence he asks. ''And you are sure you are into women?'' He looks back over at Eddie.
Eddie tenses, then hesitates and shrugs.
Buck blinks again and suddenly he is in front of the mini fridge. ''They don't have ice cream.'' He whines.
Eddie appears next to him like magic. Either Buck is too drunk to comprehend things or Eddie can teleport now. He should ask Eddie if he can teleport. But Eddie is looking sad again. And he doesn't want Eddie to be sad.
Buck worriedly looks at Eddie. ''Eddie what is it?''
Eddie sighs. ''They don’ have ice cream.''
''I know.'' Buck says. ''Horrible.''
Somehow they end up on the ground again, their shoulders touching in the midst of the mess. There are bottles and feathers everywhere and the ground is sticky and wet, covered in booze. Yet Buck is more comfortable than he has been in a while. Maybe it has to do with Eddie being right beside him, maybe it's the alcohol running through his veins making everything feel lighter than it is.
Eddie's voice sounds next to him, almost in his ear, and Buck turns his head. ''I just wanted a scoop of vanilla.'' Eddie says with the saddest voice Buck has ever heard. Eddie's honey eyes are large and look right into Bucks. They are incredibly close. And right there Buck Realizes it's not the alcohol making him feel light and content. It's just Eddie.
''Vanilla? Really?'' Buck asks.
Eddie rolls his eyes. ''What's wrong with vanilla.''
Buck sighs. ''Vanilla is boring.''
Eddie shrugs and his shoulders move against Buck's. ''Okay chocolate is good too.''
Buck groans. ''Eddie geez, grow a personality or something.''
Buck can hear Eddie smother a laugh, and he rolls over onto his side to see the man without straining his neck. Eddie does the same. The carpet is rough on Bucks cheek. But Eddie's eyes are so incredibly soft and warm that it doesn't even matter.
''What's yours then?'' Eddie asks.
''What?''
''Ice Cream flavour.''
''Oh.'' Buck closes his eyes for a second and thinks.
His eyes snap open and with a sigh he says. ''Salted caramel. With chocolate chips.''
A comfortable silence fills the room and Buck closes his eyes, Eddie's slow and deep breaths grounding him more than the carpet beneath him could ever do.
''How-how did you know?'' Eddie's voice breaks the silence.
Buck opens his eyes, and is immediately greeted by Eddie's soft gaze. ''I dunno. Just really like the gooey caramel.''
Eddie shakes his head, it looks awkward because of his position on the ground and Buck would have laughed if not for Eddie's dead serious face.
Eddie's hands play with a feather on the ground. ''No, I-I meant how did you know you also liked men?''
Oh.
Buck blinks and thinks for a moment. ''Oh- ehm well- I don't actually know.'' His eyes trail up to the ceiling while he thinks about it. ''It just felt right I guess, I think I knew for a while but couldn't put words to it. 'T feels good, like eating your favourite ice cream.''
''Hm.'' Eddie hums beside him, his expression puzzled.
Buck hands run along the rough carpet. ''Why-why did you ask?''
Eddie sighs and rolls over to his back, his hand on his stomach and his eyes fixed at the ceiling. ''I dunno if I've ever felt that way in my relationships. Never felt like it was right.''
''Not even with Shannon?'' Buck asks, looking over at Eddie.
Eddie sighs and twists a feather between his fingers. ''I loved her. A lot. But i don't think- I don't think I loved her like that.''
''Hm.'' Buck hums and they let the words float between them for a minute. ''You've-you've never felt that way for anyone before?''
Eddie sighs. ''Not for a woman.'' His eyes land pointedly on Buck and if Buck was a little more sober than he was now, he would probably try to figure out what that look could mean, but right now the only thing that matters was Eddie's honey coloured eyes fixed on his.
''And for a man?'' Buck asks with an exhale.
''Maybe.'' Eddie shrugs and he drops the feather on the floor. ''I think I need a connection first. You know? I'm a nester, I nest.''
Buck giggles. ''Yeah, you do. You are a cute little bird.''
Eddie turns to Buck and looks him in the eye. ''I don't think I want to nest with a woman.''
''Hm.'' Buck hums. ''That is also okay.''
''Yeah?'' Eddie asks.
''Yeah.'' Buck states. ''More than okay if it makes you happy.''
Eddie sighs and he looks away, he grabs another feather and rubs his fingers over the edges. ''Buck?''
''Yeah?'' Buck answers.
''I think I might be gay.'' Eddie says, a tear rolling down his face, but this time Buck doesn't want to take it away, this time it's a good tear.
''Think so too.'' Buck sighs. He smiles at Eddie and then giggles. ''Hey Eddie? Is it gay in here or is it just me?
Eddie huffs and laughs. ''I think it's the both of us.''
''Welcome to the club Eddie.'' Buck sighs.
And Eddie nods. ''Yeah, thanks.''
They lay in silence for a while, the words dancing around them and filling the darkness. Eddie's chest rises and falls with each breath, and the breaths are easier than they have ever been, the weight of the words in the air instead of smothering him.
But when the sun rises those words will become unspoken, the night will be forgotten and the only remains will be a pounding headache and Eddie's torn sleeve that is secretly hidden in Bucks pocket.
But right now, in the darkness of this hotel room the words can exist, they can roam around freely and Eddie can finally breathe.
And for now that is enough.
Buck grabs Eddie's hand. And he feels sparks. And by the look in Eddie's eyes, he does too.
Bucks eyes slowly slip closed. "Night 'ddie.'' He mumbles.
''Night Buck.''