Chapter Text
Despite all of the times Gunwook had slept over at Matthew’s place by now, he had yet to meet this mysterious roommate of his. He remembers asking about it the very first night, an afterthought that hadn’t occurred until Matthew was quite literally on top of him.
“Wait, wait.” Gunwook pulled away, trying to catch his breath. “We’re being kind of loud. Didn’t you say you had a roommate?”
Matthew had laughed, shifting in a way that suddenly made Gunwook regret wasting time with questions. “Should I be offended you’re distracted when I’m about to take my shirt off?”
“Mm, more like turned on by my utter respect for your space and all of its inhabitants,” Gunwook offered.
When Matthew snorted, he hurried to add on. “Please still take your shirt off.”
“Taerae’s not home,” Matthew had smirked as he leaned back in. “We can be as loud as we want.”
Then the shirt had finally come off, taking Gunwook’s sanity with it, and that had been that. In the past month since they had become ironically quite committed to this friends-with-benefits thing, however, Gunwook still had yet to see even a glimpse of this roommate, whom Matthew described as just like himself but simultaneously nothing like him at all.
“He’s my twin,” he had said once when Gunwook had asked what this mystery guy was like, “we get along maybe half the time.”
Gunwook would have even believed Matthew had just made this imaginary roommate up, if not for the door across the hall that always remained shut and traces of this person in the rest of their shared apartment: a yellow mug on the dish rack for coffee Matthew didn’t drink, an expensive model car on display by the TV, an extra pair of slippers shaped like ducks by the doorway, guitar picks scattered in places so random that Gunwook often wondered how they even got there. In his mind, there was just The Roommate. It was weird, how he was aware of the pieces of this person despite never seeing the whole.
That’s why it takes Gunwook a minute to realize he’s not alone in the kitchen that morning, jumping when his eyes finally adjusted in the darkness and met another pair behind wire-rimmed glasses.
It was instinctive, the way he blurted out, “who are you?”
The boy sitting at the counter raised a thick eyebrow. “I live here. Shouldn’t I be asking that question?”
It was too early for manners, and Gunwook remembered his late. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. Of course. You must be Taerae sunbae. I’m Park Gunwook, Matthew’s…friend.”
He hesitated before settling on “friend,” having no idea how exactly Matthew went around describing their relationship, if he did at all. The Roommate just nodded, and Gunwook got the sense he knew exactly who he was.
The kitchen fell into silence.
Gunwook shuffled awkwardly. As a power extrovert, he wasn’t one to struggle with meeting new people, but he felt like he had just come face to face with a ghost, both in the literal and metaphorical sense. The Roommate was pale even in the dim kitchen, his voice deeper than Gunwook had imagined. For some reason, he had pictured a…softer-looking guy owning the duck slippers. This person seemed more serious, quieter than Matthew had described.
“Um, I’m a sophomore studying political science. But I’m on the school’s dance team with Matthew hyung. We had practice last night and I ended up sleeping over, I hope you don’t mind…you weren’t here, as usual—unless you were! Maybe you were just really quiet with your door closed.”
Gunwook frowned. “Except I think Matthew hyung should’ve told me if you were. We got back kind of late and were being loud—not loud like that! I mean, yesterday we just gamed for a bit and then fell asleep. I meant loud as in us getting competitive playing Mario Kart. As you may know, Matthew hyung is a very sore loser.”
The Roommate was staring.
“Sorry, I’m rambling.” Gunwook could feel his face heating up. “It was nice to meet you. Let me get out of your kitchen now.”
He was about to turn to leave, utterly embarrassed, but then The Roommate started laughing. A high, bright sound that was the opposite of his speaking voice.
“I can see why Matthew likes you,” The Roommate said.
Gunwook’s eyes caught on unbelievably deep dimples.
“Nice to meet you, Park Gunwook. Feel free to stay. I never have company in the morning.”
In between seven and eight in the morning, Gunwook finds out many things about Kim Taerae. He was from a city outside of Seoul, where he had been born and raised. He had met Matthew at orientation their freshman year, where someone had mistaken them for brothers and assumed they knew each other. He liked movies, cars, movies about cars. The duck slippers were a gift from his older sister, who had made fun of him for looking like one growing up. His mug was filled with tea, not coffee.
“Coffee’s bad for your voice,” Taerae explained, sipping something that smelled floral and minty instead. “Not to mention it stains your teeth.”
His voice was very important, not only because he was a senior in the music department who played guitar and sang, but because he was a radio host.
“I didn’t even know our school had a radio! Why hasn’t Matthew hyung mentioned it?” Gunwook exclaimed. He had ended up sitting across the counter from the senior, and now found himself leaning forward in interest. “I can’t believe this is the first time I’m hearing of it.”
“We get a decent number of listeners, and Matthew’s not one of them. Listening to anything but pop music makes him fall asleep. But the radio is part of the reason I’m never home. My hours are all over the place, so when I’m not in class, I’m usually at practice or at the station. I have a lot of night and early morning shifts.”
“Wow, sunbae,” Gunwook said jokingly. “How do you get enough sleep?”
Taerae shrugged. “I don’t.”
It was apparently Taerae’s dream to work in music broadcasting, making songs for television and movies. He joked that Plan B was to open a cafe slash record store. Apparently Matthew was in on this and had offered to barista for him if his dance teacher dreams failed.
“He’ll need to be much better at it than he is at cooking for us to succeed, that’s for sure.”
Gunwook laughed. There was a bang on the other side of Matthew’s door, and then a groggy voice. “I heard that, Kim Taerae.”
“Sorry,” Taerae called, not sounding apologetic in the slightest. “Alright. He is arisen. My cue that I’m late.”
Gunwook jumped up, checking his phone for the time. It had been an hour since he had come out of Matthew’s room for a glass of water.
“I’ll make sure to tune in to your radio sometime.”
Taerae smiled. “Please do. Nice meeting you, Park Gunwook.”
And that was how The Roommate became just Kim Taerae.
—
The next time Gunwook sees Taerae, it's a week later and not in the kitchen. Or in the apartment at all.
“Hey, can you do me a favor?”
Gunwook looked up from where he had been lounging on Matthew’s bed and watching him put on clothes after their shower.
“Jiwoong hyung—” Matthew continued without waiting for an answer, “—he’s the senior running the radio with Taerae this year. He just texted me that he doesn’t think Taerae is feeling so well.”
“How can I help?” Gunwook asked immediately.
“Apparently Taerae mentioned that he didn’t eat breakfast, the idiot. They have a break in about half an hour but I have to head to class. Do you mind dropping off some food for him at the station?”
The “station” turned out to be a hallway in the communications building, where Gunwook had never stepped foot in before. Most of his classes were in the arts and sciences building, and the furthest he’d strayed to this side of campus had been for the student gym in the recreation building down the street.
He took the elevator up and turned two corners to approach a room that looked exactly like a radio control room in a real broadcasting station. Two students were at a table covered in monitors and dials. Behind a thick pane of glass, under a gray “on air” sign, sat Taerae with headphones on. He looked a bit tired, even to Gunwook who had only met him once. He watched the senior spin a pencil in one hand, scanning some some papers while a song he didn’t recognize finished up. He watched in surprise as Taerae looked up just as the sign blinked red, visibly brightening.
“Welcome back to ZB1 FM! I'm your returning host Kim Taerae, and we are currently live from the third floor of the campus com building! Alright everyone, that last request was from Listener #1825. Now, before we head to break, I wanted to answer one more Sound Advice submission I received this week. Hi DJ Taerae, my parents have always had a plan for me about what I’d study, what kind of job I’d get, and what kind of life I’d have. And for a long time, I thought I wanted that too. But now, being in college, I’ve realized I want something different. They’ve sacrificed so much for me to even be at this school, and I don’t want to disappoint them, but I can’t live a life that isn’t mine. How do I even start this conversation? From, Torn.”
Leaning on the doorway, Gunwook observed quietly as Taerae spoke gently into the microphone.
“Well, Torn, it’s nice to meet you. I’m you, almost exactly three years ago. I speak from experience when I say I know that weight—the fear of disappointing the people who love you—is heavy. I never considered pursuing a career in the arts until I got to Seoul and this school. My parents only supported my music and broadcasting dreams as a hobby, so when I decided I wasn’t going to be an engineer, I was terrified of telling them. That said, living your life for someone else’s dreams will never make you happy. And I promise you that deep down, your parents don’t want you to be unhappy either. So my advice is to start with empathy. Acknowledge their hopes for you before firmly explaining what you want. Not just an ‘I don’t want this.’ Tell them ‘this is what excites me, what makes me feel alive.’ Help them see that this isn’t about a rejection of them, but finding a future that actually fits you. And remember they may not get it right away, which is also okay. Just remind yourself that their love for you is bigger than anything else and that you deserve to chase a dream you want. I hope this helped a little, Torn. I’m excited for you to start the beginning of your new journey and wish you the best of luck! Now, as we switch over to our lunch break…”
Gunwook listened, mesmerized, as Taerae wrapped up his lines and finally took the headphones off. There was something about the senior’s voice that made him feel as though Taerae was speaking directly to him. His low voice had sounded even warmer through the microphone.
Taerae did a double take when he finally stepped out of the soundproof room and into the hallway. “Park Gunwook? What are you doing here? Is that Matthew’s pokemon lunchbox?”
Gunwook smiled sheepishly, lifting the themed bag in greeting. “Hi, sunbae. Matthew hyung sent me.”
Taerae made a betrayed face. “Jiwoong hyung texted?”
“Yes, I did.” One of the students from the control room answered, joining them in the hallway. He was tall and boyishly handsome, holding a very official looking clipboard and mug. Gunwook assumed it was tea, like Taerae’s.
“Hyung, I told you I was fine.”
“You got here this morning at what, seven? It’s about to be the afternoon and you haven’t eaten a thing. You can’t blame me for telling Matthew.”
Taerae scowled. “It was just a migraine. I most definitely can.” He turned to Gunwook. “You, too.”
Gunwook was watching the exchange in amusement. “I’m just the messenger.”
Jiwoong cocked his head. “A messenger that came all the way here for our Taerae?”
Taerae swatted an arm at him. “Quit it. This is Park Gunwook, Matthew’s friend on the dance team. He’s a sophomore this year. Gunwook, this is Kim Jiwoong, my friend and co-station manager this year.”
“It’s nice to meet you, sunbaenim.” Gunwook bowed politely.
“You brought the goods?” Jiwoong looked pointedly at the lunchbox.
Gunwook grinned. “I did.”
Taerae rolled his eyes. “I was fine.”
Jiwoong pointed a finger at Gunwook, starting to walk backwards. “Do me a favor and make sure he eats.” He turned the finger to Taerae before Gunwook could reply. “I have to finish editing tomorrow’s script, but take a break please. Before I give your midnight shift to Ricky.”
“Ricky will literally fall asleep!”
“I’ll just have him read listener messages for two hours straight. All twenty of his fans will give him the attention he needs to stay awake!” Jiwoong called before disappearing around the corner.
“Fine,” Taerae huffed. “Come on, Gunwook, I’ll show you our break room.”
Gunwook followed Taerae as he led him into the last room of the hallway.
“Sit here.”
Gunwook made himself comfortable on a small couch and placed the lunchbox on the coffee table in front of him. The room was decorated neatly with a small bookcase and some basic kitchen appliances.
“This place is really cool,” Gunwook said as Taerae scanned some papers. “I’ve never been inside a radio station before.”
“It’s okay. It’s a bit small and we could really use some new equipment,” Taerae said, shrugging, but Gunwook had already seen Taerae on air, completely in his element. Even now, he didn’t miss the way the senior’s eyes flit across the room fondly. Taerae sat down across from him and zipped open pikachu’s head to reveal some fruit and a sandwich Matthew had thrown together.
Gunwook waited until Taerae had taken a couple bites before he asked, “how long have you been doing this?”
“I started my freshman year doing the busy work and some early morning weekend slots. The good times were always saved for the upperclassmen. Now I’m the upperclassman who helps run the whole thing.”
“That’s awesome,” Gunwook said, genuinely impressed. “I listened to you finish up just now. You make it sound so easy.”
Taerae shook his head, revealing both dimples. “Well, it’s not as smooth as it seems. You should’ve heard me when I first started. Lots of dead air and awkward pauses.”
Gunwook considered this. “For some reason, I can’t imagine you messing up."
“Oh, trust me, I’ve got a whole list of embarrassing moments. But I got used to it. It’s really the only way to improve in this field.”
“Did you really have to tell your parents about switching career paths?”
“Oh, absolutely.” Taerae said through another bite of food. Despite his previous protests, it was obvious he had been hungry. Gunwook was silently pleased his mission had been useful. “It was actually harder than coming out to them in high school. They came around eventually and are very supportive now, but I had to give them a very detailed explanation of my plans for the future. My dad is an engineer himself, so he was especially hard to convince.”
“Had they listened to you on air?” Gunwook asked. “I think it’s all they would have needed to hear.”
“I still have a long way to go.” Taerae laughed wryly. “I almost don’t want to graduate. It terrifies me that I won’t be good enough in the real world. If I don’t get a job before graduation, I’ll be leaving behind the only thing I’ve ever really had.”
“I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit.” Gunwook mused. “The way I see it, this is just the beginning. You said it yourself that you’ve grown this much over the last four years. I think that’s great proof this is what you’re meant to do. Isn’t that all you need?”
Taerae smiled. “It sounds like you could steal my job. Is this how people feel when I give them advice?”
“Just put a mic in front me.” Gunwook saluted jokingly. “I’m ready for whenever you call in sick, sunbaenim.”
Taerae looked at him, his smile a little more at ease. “Call me hyung.”
—
He sees Taerae sporadically after that, the senior as busy as ever. In the meantime, Gunwook grows quite attached to the school radio. He couldn’t explain what it was about it that made him like it so much, but he liked the little jingle that played when it started, and the girl who did a comedy section on Tuesday mornings. He liked Jiwoong’s tv and movie reviews, and the guy named Ricky’s song recommendations. But most of all, he liked the low timbre of Taerae’s voice as the elder read his submissions and gave advice for each one with care.
It was always a surprise now whenever Gunwook ran into Taerae at the apartment.
“Weren’t you also here yesterday, Gunwook?”
Gunwook had woken up early to Matthew’s snoring and come out of his room, only to find Taerae sitting at the counter in front of his laptop as he sometimes did.
"Yup." Winter recital was approaching fast, and Matthew was obviously stressed about it with the way he had Gunwook over four times in the last week. “Wait. Is today Friday? Aren’t you supposed to be on air right now? You switched mornings with that guy who talks really fast two weeks ago.”
“Yes.” Taerae blinked. “I mean, no, the station takes off every last Friday of the month. Do you have my radio schedule memorized?”
“No.” Gunwook said automatically before actually thinking about it. “Maybe. Actually yes, I think I do.”
Taerae raised an eyebrow. “Wow. ZB1 FM’s biggest fan over here.”
“I have to say, that Ricky guy's music recommendations are quite good.”
“Ricky has the taste of a high schooler who is somehow also twenty two and in a frat.”
“That…is not an incorrect description of my taste in music.”
Taerae groaned. “You really need to widen your musical horizons. And to maybe sleep in your own dorm for a night.”
“It’s just this week!” Gunwook protested. “It’s because Matthew hyung is super stressed about his solo.”
Taerae sighed. “He says this every year and does perfectly. I’m sure he’ll be great this year too. All of you will. I’m excited to watch.”
“Oh.” Gunwook said. “You’re going to be there?”
Taerae looked at him strangely. “Of course I will. I swear I know people outside of the radio. Didn't Matthew tell you I'm also friends with Hanbin and Hao?”
“Right,” Gunwook shook his head. “I’m so used to hearing you through my headphones that sometimes I forget you can leave my phone.”
Taerae laughed. “Well, I will not be in your phone that night. I’ll be in the very front row, Gunwook.”
Gunwook doesn’t know why that suddenly made him nervous too.
Matthew’s worries were useless, of course, because a week later, his senior solo goes perfectly. So does Hanbin’s and all of Gunwook’s performances. As everyone takes final bows, Gunwook thinks he can hear Gyuvin’s cheers even through the large crowd and can’t help but smile. Then he tears up as Matthew and Hanbin make their senior speeches at the end of their last successful show.
Gunwook beamed when he finally caught sight of his friends in the crowd as he made his way off stage.
“Dude!” Gyuvin all but leapt into Gunwook’s arms, making him laugh. “That was incredible!”
“Thanks for coming,” Gunwook grinned.
“Gunwookie!” Hao exclaimed from behind him. “You were so good!”
There’s a bouquet of blue flowers shoved into his hands, another hug, a call for photos. The happy buzz of it all fills Gunwook and makes him feel alive. He can’t bring himself to care that his feet are aching or that sweat is making his shirt stick to his back. When Hanbin catches up to them, Hao dips him and kisses him senseless, ignoring groans from Gyuvin and Gunwook’s whoop of laughter. Everything was perfect. If only he could find—
“Hey, stranger.”
“Taerae hyung! You’re here!”
“I am. Congratulations.” Taerae smiled, hands in the pockets of a nice leather jacket. Gunwook realized this was the first time he was seeing him somewhere other than in the apartment or the radio station wearing casual clothing. His hair was up, exposing his forehead and thick eyebrows, and his usual glasses were nowhere to be found. He looked good.
“Sorry I don’t have flowers. Matthew refuses to let me bring them to his shows ever since freshman year because he kills them all within two days. I guess I got into the habit of coming empty handed.”
“That’s okay!” Gunwook shook his head vehemently. “How did you like the show?”
“You did well. Especially the piece with, uh, those ribbons as props,” Taerae coughed. “It was very…impressive.”
“Very impressive, indeed.”
The comment came from a tall, blonde boy who was one second snickering and doubling over in pain the next.
Taerae turned back to Gunwook with an exaggerated smile. “Please ignore Ricky.”
“Oh!” Gunwook’s eyes widened. “I thought I recognized your voice! Ricky from the radio?”
Ricky rose with a grimace, a hand still on his ribs where Taerae had elbowed him. “That’s me. Nice to meet you. Great show.”
“It’s nice to put a face to the voice." Gunwook said. "Big fan of your music recommendations.”
“Thank you! I’ve also heard a lot—”
“Hanbin hyung! Congratulations! Your solo was so good.”
“Hey, Taerae.” Hanbin said, still pink from when Hao had kissed him. “Thanks for coming.”
“How does the air outside the studio feel?” Hao teased. “It’s good to see your face instead of only hearing your voice all the time.”
Taerae snorted. “You make me sound like a hermit, hyung. We got lunch just last week.”
Hanbin laughed. “That’s just Hao hyung-speak for ‘I miss you’.”
“And you kind of are a hermit, hyung.” Gunwook added jokingly. “Oh, this is my roommate—”
“Kim Gyuvin.” Gyuvin finished for Gunwook, eyes fixed on Ricky as he shook his hand. “Sophomore, kinesiology major, favorite food is mangoes. Ricky, you said?”
Ricky raised an eyebrow, very obviously taken aback. “Er, yes…sophomore, visual arts. I prefer strawberries?”
Gunwook caught Taerae’s eye and tried not to laugh at the absolutely bewildered look on the elder’s face as he watched Gyuvin throw himself at Ricky. He set a mental reminder to talk to Gyuvin about personal space rules again.
“Alright, Gyu, come on.” Gunwook pulled his roommate back, scanning the crowd again. “Where’s Matthew hyung?”
“Right here!” Matthew finally appeared in their circle, still in his performance outfit. “Sorry, sorry, I got caught up saying hello to some people from class. Did we decide where we’re going?”
“We were thinking the diner for some waffles,” Hao said, arm draped around his boyfriend. “Taerae, Ricky, you guys should join us.”
Gunwook and Gyuvin nodded in sync.
“Tae, Rick, you guys have the time?” Matthew asked.
Taerae shrugged. “I could go for a waffle.”
“Didn’t you say you had to finish an interview script for tomorrow’s show?” Ricky asked innocently.
Taerae glared at him. “I finished that this morning, actually.”
“Oh, did you?”
Gunwook watched in amusement as they went back and forth over something only the two of them could understand. They were obviously very close, probably from shared hours at the radio station.
Matthew shook his head, used to the bickering. “Isn’t it crazy that the most mature friend I have is Gunwook?”
“Not me?” Hanbin asked, mock offended.
“You mean, me.” Hao corrected with a pout.
Matthew laughed, starting to lead the group out of the building. “Do I have to remind you we all met our freshman year?”
They go to the 24-hour diner not far from campus. Gunwook ends up pushed into a corner of the booth, Taerae slipping in after him. He drinks his milkshake way too fast, makes fun of Hanbin hyung for crying during his ending speech, and helps Ricky throw fries at Gyuvin until he catches one in his mouth and celebrates like he just won the world cup. They’re definitely laughing too loud, but nobody can find it in themselves to care.
Gunwook catches Taerae’s eye amidst all the chaos and finds that he can't look away. When Taerae finally breaks eye contact first, dimple carving his cheek as he rolls his eyes at one of Matthew’s antics, Gunwook lets himself bask in the attention for a second longer before turning back to Hao.
The waffles are warm, but the press of Taerae’s arm against his is warmer.
—
“So, when were you gonna tell me you liked Taerae hyung?”
Gunwook whipped his head toward Gyuvin so fast his vision blurred for a second. He and his roommate were walking the short way back to campus after their little after party at the diner. Hao and Taerae had both offered to drop them off, but Gunwook had turned them down, still filled with an adrenaline that he wanted to walk off. He had thought Gyuvin was too exhausted to talk from throwing himself at Ricky all night until his question broke their comfortable silence.
“What? I don’t like Taerae hyung.”
Gyuvin frowned. “Yes, you do. You were staring at him all night.”
Gunwook laughed incredulously. “I was not!”
“Isn’t that why you’re obsessed with the school radio?”
“I’m not obsessed with the radio!” Gunwook protested. “I just like to listen to…the music.”
Gyuvin gave him a pointed look. “And Taerae hyung's voice.”
“Okay, so he has a very nice voice.”
“Yeah, one that you have the hots for.”
“Please don't say 'have the hots for'." Gunwook grimaced. "I don’t like Taerae hyung. I just think he’s cool. Hyung’s really nice and smart.”
Gyuvin gave him a look that seemed to say, are you hearing yourself?
“Do I have to remind you I’m literally sleeping with his roommate? I respect him as my senior, that’s all.”
“Okay fine, stay in denial. I think I want to marry Ricky. Preferably a spring wedding.” Gyuvin sighed dreamily. “Did you know he runs the radio corner on campus news? Apparently he talks about the weather and school events for an hour.”
“Yes,” Gunwook said. Ricky had the slot right before Taerae’s, meaning Gunwook would often catch the end of an interview with a school athlete or the last of his hip-hop recommendations while waiting for Taerae to come on, but he wasn’t about to tell Gyuvin that part now.
“I personally think he’d be a fantastic weatherman. I’d let him give me that forecast any day. He could say anything with that voice, really, and I think I’d be into it,” Gyuvin continued despite Gunwook’s best efforts to ignore him. “I’m gonna start tuning in every week.”
“You do that.”
“I will. You know why? Because I like him.”
Gyuvin instinctively bounds away before Gunwook can whip an arm at him, laughing as he runs away into their dorm. “I’m joking!”
Right. A joke.
Gunwook doesn’t get much sleep that night.
—
A week later, Gunwook was back at Matthew’s apartment, doing homework in the early morning when Taerae walked into the kitchen, a turquoise hoodie covering his bed hair and the duck slippers on his feet.
A funny feeling had refused to leave Gunwook’s stomach for a couple of days after the night of the recital, and he now found himself shaking his head at the memory of the conversation he had with Gyuvin while walking home. Taerae was asking him a question.
“Sorry, hyung. What did you say?”
Taerae winced, pouring hot water into his mug. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to distract you from your work. I’ll let you focus.”
“No, no,” Gunwook assured. “I’m finishing up anyways.”
“I was just saying I didn’t know you wore glasses.”
“Oh.” Only then does Gunwook remember he’s wearing his old frames. He hurried to reach up to his face and take them off, cleaning the lens with the sleeve of his own sweatshirt. “Yeah, my eyesight is terrible. I usually wear contacts so I don’t have to walk around looking like a nerd.”
“I don’t know,” Taerae shrugged, shuffling back towards his room with his tea. “I think you look cute.”
And just like that, the funny feeling returned.
—
Gunwook sees Taerae again a couple of days later, when Matthew asks him to come over after dinner on a random night. Gunwook was standing in front of their apartment door now, reading a text from Matthew saying that his group project meeting was running a bit late.
but taerae’s home, his next text read. just knock and he’ll let you in!
He felt weirdly nervous at the thought of being alone with Taerae again. The glasses comment hadn’t left Gunwook’s head for days, and now, he adjusted the black frames he had on before knocking. Gyuvin, who knew how much Gunwook hated his glasses, had looked at him strangely when he said he was just trying a new style. Then he had hurried out before Gyuvin could say anything else. Not that there really was anything else.
Like Matthew promised, Taerae opened the door.
“Hey, Gunwook. Come in. Matthew let me know he’d be running late.”
“Hi, hyung. No radio today?”
Taerae shook his head. “I took the day off to work on a paper, gave one of the underclassmen my shift. I see you’re wearing your glasses again.”
“Yup,” Gunwook said, pleased he noticed. “I figured I should give my eyes a break from contacts once in a while.”
There’s an awkward beat, and Gunwook is suddenly reminded of the morning he met Taerae. Something about the senior seemed to make Gunwook’s typically busy brain come to a full stop. It was either that, or word vomit with no in between.
He quickly pointed to the model car encased in a decent sized glass by the television. “I hope you don’t mind that I sent a picture of that to my older brother. He’s deathly jealous.”
“Oh, I'll take any chance to brag about my most prized possession.” Taerae said with a grin. “It was a gift from my dad when I got into college. She’s my dream car.”
“It’s amazing,” Gunwook said. “I’ve only seen smaller models.”
“I’ve got a bunch of those too, in my room. Wanna see?”
Gunwook’s eyes widened slightly before he nodded eagerly, momentarily surprised. He had come to know Taerae as a very private person despite his ability to talk about anything. Gunwook had never even seen the door to his room even slightly cracked open, much less the entire room.
He followed Taerae into a space with the exact mirrored layout of Matthew’s bedroom directly across the hall. The overall theme was less colorful than Gunwook had imagined, navy sheets covering a neatly made bed with dark wood accents throughout the furniture. He wasn’t surprised to see a guitar in one corner and nice headphones hanging from the side of the desk. Posters of artists who were famous before either of them were born decorated the walls.
“This is it,” Taerae said, slipping into his desk chair and spinning around. “Cleaner than Matthew’s?”
“Much.” Gunwook joked, taking everything in. He walked towards the floating shelves on the far wall that showcased various mini car models. He scanned the collection before gently picking up one that caught his eye. “I like this one.”
“Of course you picked that one." Taerae said, shaking his head with a wry smile. "The McLaren Artura. Matthew bought me that one on my birthday during sophomore year. It's just like him. Fast, fresh, edgy.”
“Is there a car that I remind you of?” Gunwook asked, curious.
“Hmm,” Taerae cocked his head, thinking. “A Ferrari SF90 Stradale. Sleek, fierce, young.”
Gunwook blanched, making Taerae laugh. “What’s wrong with being a Ferrari?”
“Nothing!” Gunwook said quickly. “Let’s just say I prefer SUVs. I personally consider myself something more along the lines of a Maybach.”
Taerae considered this. “I guess that works too. Not too flashy. Quietly powerful, Maybachs.”
“Yes,” Gunwook nodded, suddenly feeling brave. “They can sneak up on you. Not to mention they’re reliable and consistent.”
“Very true.”
Gunwook could feel his ears heating up. He started to turn back to the shelf before Taerae could notice, only for his eyes to catch on the elder’s outfit. He coughed to muffle the strangled sound that suddenly threatened to escape his throat.
Taerae looked at him with concern. “Do you want some water? ”
Gunwook cleared his throat. “I’m fine. Um, where did you get that sweater?”
Taerae looked down at the oversized blue sweater he had picked out of the dryer along with his other clothes the other day, assuming it was another one of Matthew’s failed purchases he had passed along. .
“From Matthew.”
“Oh.” Gunwook managed. “Do you guys share clothes often?”
Taerae rolled his eyes. “No. He refuses to come near my clothes.”
Gunwook couldn’t help but laugh at that. “I wonder why, hyung.”
“Hey!” Taerae protested, faking offense. “Just because I know how to appreciate color doesn’t mean I can’t dress well. You guys might as well watch TV in black and white too!”
This makes Gunwook laugh harder. “Hyung, what kind of argument is that?”
Taerae just grins up at him.
Gunwook fought the urge to tell the elder the sweater belonged to him. Something told him he shouldn’t say he left it here one of the first nights he spent in this apartment, shortly before they ran into each other in the kitchen for the first time. That when they had first met, it had been winter but now it was spring, and things were blooming everywhere. Something, although he’s not sure what, told him it wasn't important right now.
“Gunwook, I’m back!”
They both startled at the sound of Matthew’s voice.
“Ah,” Taerae said. “Duty calls.”
Gunwook wondered if he was imagining the way Taerae’s voice had turned distant. It’s not like that, he suddenly wanted to tell him. I don’t want to go.
Instead, he placed the model car carefully back on the shelf. “Thank you for showing me these. I always like learning about hyung’s interests.”
"Anytime, Gunwook."
—
Later, in Matthew’s room, Gunwook sat on the edge of the bed, biting his lip.
“Hey, Matthew hyung? I’m sorry. Do you mind if we…maybe not tonight?”
Matthew frowned. “Yeah, of course. Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” Gunwook admitted. “I think my head hurts a little. I kind of just want to sleep.”
“Then let’s sleep.” Matthew said simply, and Gunwook was filled with an overwhelming gratitude for his tiny hyung.
Not long after, he falls asleep next to Matthew but dreams of Taerae in blue. Even in the dream, Gunwook doesn’t tell Taerae the truth about the sweater, but not because he can’t. Dream Gunwook chooses not to, content with the thought that his hyung is warm and covered in a piece of him.
—
If life were a quiz, Gunwook’s would look like this right now:
On which of the following days was Park Gunwook already falling for Kim Taerae?
a) Gunwook’s birthday (He has dinner with Matthew, Hao, Hanbin, and Gyuvin. He had invited Taerae, but the senior had been sorry to miss out, booked for the radio. Gunwook, however, does wake up on the morning he turns 20 to a text sent at six in the morning: happy birthday, park gunwook. Gunwook thanks him, not expecting another reply, but one comes anyway: tune in around 8pm if you can. As random as the request is, it’s from Taerae hyung, so Gunwook steps outside of the restaurant before his friends can bring out cake, saying he’s getting fresh air. There, in the parking lot, out of the tiny speaker of his iPhone, Gunwook listens to the happy birthday song play on ZB1 FM.)
b) The day it snows in April. (Gunwook walks home after class, watching snowflakes fall, illuminated by the lightposts on campus. His earbuds are in because Taerae is on the radio. A slow ballad plays, one of Taerae’s classic recommendations, and then suddenly the melody overlaps with Taerae’s own voice. Gunwook freezes, raising the volume. There’s a quiet curse of realization and then it’s just the song again as Taerae turns off his mic. Gunwook thinks back to when Taerae said he used to make mistakes all the time on air. He wants to tell him not all mistakes are bad.)
c) Gunwook’s sick day. (Gyuvin is home for the weekend, so Matthew texts that he’ll drop off soup after class. Gunwook’s 102 degree fever keeps him delirious as he weaves in and out of sleep on his dorm bed, but he wakes up the next morning to a damp towel on his forehead, medicine on his desk, and three kinds of soup in the fridge. When he texts Matthew, Matthew tells him it was Taerae who had ended up going, unable to wait for Matthew’s lecture to end when he heard Gunwook was sick. Gunwook feels much better after that.)
d) The day Taerae gets a job. (Gunwook is sitting on the couch at the apartment, watching a movie with Matthew and Taerae. Half of his attention is on the way Taerae’s leg was very close to his. There’s the buzz of an email notification and then a loud shriek. The movie is paused, Matthew is running around the room, and Gunwook sees Taerae cry for the first time. Kim Taerae, official MBC Broadcasting Intern. Gunwook hugs him tight and fights the very strong urge to kiss away his tears.)
e) Any day, really. (Who was he kidding?)
The answer was f), all of the above.
Park Gunwook was falling for Kim Taerae, and he was falling hard.
—
“Okay, fine, so I like Taerae hyung.”
Gyuvin snorted. The tall boy was lying down with his head hanging upside down from his bed in their dorm room, playing some racing game on his phone. He had announced he was taking a short break from studying almost thirty minutes ago before. He claimed this position made all the blood rush to his head and helped him think better. More brain juice, were his exact words.
“I told you so.”
Gunwook glared at his roommate from where he was sitting on his own bed, lofted to the same height as Gyuvin’s on the opposite wall. His own focus had been abandoned long ago.
“I didn’t tell you this so you could say ‘I told you so.’ I need help.”
“With what?” Gyuvin asked, eyes trained on his race car. “You know you like him. Now confess.”
“It’s not that simple,” Gunwook insisted, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “I like him, but is it even the right thing to make a move? Hyung just seems so much ahead of me. He’s graduating soon, and he has a job and a future that’s waiting for him. I don’t want to do anything that could ruin his last weeks at school or hold him back from any of that. What if it’s not what he wants?”
Gyuvin frowned as he drifted a corner and stole second place. “Maybe it’s not about what he wants. What do you want to do? Are you okay with walking away from your feelings? You don’t mind letting hyung leave, never telling him how you felt?”
Gunwook groaned. “I don’t know. My thoughts are all over the place.”
“Hey. You know what you should do?”
A minute later, Gunwook was mirroring Gyuvin’s position. He closed his eyes as he let his head hang off his bed, already feeling a headache coming on from all the blood moving down. (Or was it up?) He kept them closed until he heard Gyuvin’s car cross the finish line, the telltale confetti sound effect announcing he won his race.
Satisfied with his trophy, Gyuvin pulled himself into upright position. Gunwook watched the red drain back into his body at an alarming rate.
“You look like someone hit reverse on a bottle of ketchup.”
“Are we sure you made the dean’s list the last three semesters?”
Gunwook tried to continue glaring as best as he could from upside down, but his head had gone numb. “What is that even supposed to mean?”
“I just can’t believe you’re the smart one and I’m the hot one.” Gyuvin sighed. “Gunwook, this isn’t the time to be your selfless self. They’re your feelings. You get to decide what to do with them first before Taerae hyung even makes his decision. So don’t you think you should stop worrying about him before you even figure out what you really want first?”
Gunwook closed his eyes again. Either the world had gone crazy enough for him to be getting decent advice from Kim Gyuvin, or this upside-down thing truly had its effects.
—
Gunwook decides to get a second opinion.
“Hey, Hanbin hyung?”
“Yes, Gunwook.”
“Can I ask a kind of personal question?”
Hanbin put down his pen from where he’d been jotting down notes across the table from Gunwook. They had met up in the library to study together, but Gunwook had spent the last half hour doing anything but.
“Go for it. I really doubt you can get more personal than Gyuvin.”
“I was just wondering…” Gunwook shifted in his chair. “How you knew about Hao hyung? I mean, how did you know you…”
“What?” Hanbin grinned. “Know I like-liked him?”
Gunwook groaned, feeling his face flush. “Never mind!”
“Okay, okay, sorry. What exactly do you want to know?”
“I don’t even know. I just—” Gunwook tried to make sense of what he wanted answered. It seemed like forming a complete sentence about anything regarding Taerae was impossible these days. “How’d you know it wasn’t enough after a year of being just friends?”
“I mean, I’d argue we were never just friends. There was definitely something different from the beginning, it just took a while for both of us to realize and come to terms with it.”
“Something different?”
“Definitely. If I think about it now, it was obvious we had an instant connection. We could’ve talked for days if you let us. The night we first met at Matthew’s birthday, we just sat in a corner of the party and spent the whole night getting to know each other. I felt like I had met an extension of myself.”
Gunwook thought back to the first early morning, when The Roommate became just Kim Taerae.
Hanbin laughed. “Actually, I guess it was just me taking a while. Hao hyung is the one who waited for me. He told me later that he thought I was gonna kiss him that first night. I did realize pretty late. I think part of me didn’t want to mess up the great thing we already had going. I knew I was missing something, and then Hao hyung started dating that guy and I was acting crazy and didn’t even know why.”
Gunwook had to laugh, remembering the two months Hao gave up on Hanbin making a move and let a senior on the soccer team take him out instead. “Everyone knew but you, hyung.”
“Hey,” Hanbin raised an eyebrow, “it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it.”
Gunwook stopped laughing. Hanbin snorted.
Despite the teasing, Hanbin was the best person to go to for something like because he didn’t pry for information. Instead, he just waits patiently until Gunwook is ready to speak again, tapping his pen gently against his textbook.
“What if I do mess up the great thing that I already have going?”
“Then you know it was worth the risk.” Hanbin said simply. “I was prepared for that when I finally told Hao hyung how I felt.”
“…I don’t think I know if I’m prepared for that yet.”
“And that’s okay, too.”
Gunwook nodded. He just couldn’t help but feel like he was running out of time.
Hanbin smiled knowingly. “It should come easy, Gunwook.”
“What should come easy?”
The question came from Hao. The senior was approaching their table with coffee, his violin strapped to his back.
“Oh, you know. Just like-liking someone.” Hanbin replied, a smile automatically melting onto his face at the sight of his boyfriend. Gunwook watched as he turned to take his latte, leaning back against Hao like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Hao put a hand on Hanbin’s shoulder. “Aw. Are you saying you like-like me, Hanbin?”
“I do.”
“Gross.” Gunwook said, but he was smiling.
—
The thought of the school year ending had never driven Gunwook so crazy. It was the end of April, meaning it would soon be May, meaning Taerae hyung was graduating. Meaning he was leaving.
“So are Matthew, Hanbin, and Hao hyung.” Gyuvin reminded him. They were sitting in their room, Gunwook moping about the passage of time as usual.
Gunwook sighed, only slightly guilty. “Right. Them, too.”
“All of our favorite seniors, leaving so soon!” Gyuvin moaned. Then he brightened. “It’s Friday night. We should all go out! Let me text Hanbin hyung.”
“I...have stuff to do.”
“Oh, please. We both know that’s a lie. When’s the last time we had a proper night out?” Gyuvin’s fingers were moving fast on his screen. “Hanbin hyung said yes, which means Hao hyung said yes! Oh, come on. If I leave you here alone, you’re not gonna get anything done anyways.”
Gunwook bit his lip. He had been hoping to finish an essay and listen to Taerae on the radio.
“Matthew hyung’s coming too!” Gyuvin was smiling triumphantly at his phone. His face dropped when he looked back up and saw Gunwook still contemplating.
“Dude. If you can go an hour without saying the word ‘dimple’, I’ll buy you all the drinks you want.”
That’s how while Taerae is on air, Gunwook is convinced to put on his leather pants and favorite shirt and gel in his hair. Gyuvin was being incredibly dramatic but he was also right, which is why Gunwook lets him buy drinks until he loses count, dances with Hao and Hanbin to crappy music, and drunkenly makes out with Matthew in the bathroom of the club until they’re both just giggling. He doesn’t know how or when exactly he gets back to Matthew’s apartment, only that Taerae had been home for once when they did.
What is cut from his memory is this:
The sound of laughter as Matthew tried to get a stumbling Gunwook to walk straight.
Taerae, opening the door and immediately making a face at the smell of alcohol.
Gunwook, breathless with excitement to see Taerae, yelling way too loud for how late it was. “Taerae hyung! You should’ve come out with us tonight, we had so much fun!”
Matthew, giggling at his roommate’s bed hair.
Gunwook, ignoring everything but the boy in colorful pajamas. “Taerae hyung, I have a secret.”
Matthew, suddenly sobered up. “Gunwook, you're really drunk right now.”
Taerae’s eyes hardening as they caught on Gunwook’s neck.
Gunwook’s whisper, also way too loud. “Don’t tell any of the others, but you’re my favorite.”
Taerae’s voice, impossibly soft as he asked, “should I get him some water?”
Gunwook falls asleep in Matthew’s bed next to a yellow mug and two aspirin.
—
Despite the night he had, Gunwook still wakes up early. He groaned quietly as he pulled himself up, trying not to wake a shirtless Matthew as he took in his own clothes from last night and the familiar bedroom. After swallowing one of pills left on the bedside table and making sure Matthew was covered in his blanket, his first stop is the bathroom.
His reflection in the mirror was a worse mess than he had imagined. Gunwook frowned at the bruises on his collarbone. Apparently Matthew was a biter when he was drunk. He finished washing up just in time to catch Taerae on his way out, one shoe on and backpack sitting in the doorway.
“Taerae hyung?”
For some reason, Taerae looked caught.
“Hey, Gunwook. You’re up early. How do you feel?”
“Like death.” Gunwook ran a hand through his hair and grimaced at the leftover gel. “Thanks for letting me stay over. And for the pills. I assumed that was you.”
“Of course.”
There’s an awkward pause.
“I—” Gunwook was suddenly struck with the need to apologize. “I’m sorry for waking you up last night. I vaguely remember you letting us in. I really hope I wasn’t too much of a bother.”
“No, no.” Taerae shook his head as he swung his backpack on. The duck keychain Gunwook had won him in a claw machine weeks ago hung from the zipper. “You could never bother me.”
Another awkward silence where words seemed to echo loudly in the quiet of early morning.
Gunwook cleared his throat. “Were you going somewhere, so early?”
“Uh, yeah, I have a morning shift on the radio. You know my crazy schedule. I should get going, actually.”
“Wait, hyung.” Without thinking, Gunwook reached out and untwisted the backpack strap on Taerae’s shoulder. “There. Now you can go.”
Taerae smiled. “Goodbye, Gunwook.”
He vanished through the door before Gunwook could remind him to eat breakfast.
For once, Gunwook goes home before Matthew is up. He leaves a note for him instead and tunes into ZB1 FM on his walk home.
Taerae never goes on air.
—
Kim Taerae was avoiding Park Gunwook like the plague.
Something had shifted the night that Gunwook had gone out with the rest of their friends. He wasn’t sure what exactly had happened, but he knew Taerae was actively avoiding him because of it. Matthew had confirmed he hadn’t made any drunken mistakes when Taerae let them in, so it had to have happened during their short interaction in the morning after. But no matter how many times Gunwook replayed their conversation in his head, he couldn’t find anything off.
Gunwook lingered at their apartment, went to lunch with the rest of the group, and texted Taerae like always. No replies came. He was nowhere to be found.
The only evidence Gunwook had that Taerae was still on campus was the radio. Almost every evening, Taerae takes to ZB1 FM, playing music and giving advice to anonymous strangers like always. He tunes in whenever he can and sometimes even wakes up to the radio still playing on his phone, someone else behind the mic.
He even debated waiting for Taerae outside of the station building when he knows the senior will be there, but then started to wonder what it is he really wanted to say to him. And if he could say it. If Gunwook was being honest, there was also the fear that Taerae didn’t want to be found.
Opportunity came in the form of an text. When Matthew asked Gunwook to come over for dinner on a night he knows for a fact Taerae isn’t on air, he accepted immediately, only to be disappointed when it was just Matthew in the apartment.
Gunwook pushed around the Thai takeout on his plate. Despite the chili making Matthew sweat, he felt like he could barely taste anything. He couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Where’s Taerae hyung?”
Matthew didn’t look up from his phone. “Like, right now? He’s on a date.”
Gunwook blanched. “A date?”
Matthew glanced at the clock that hung near their fridge. “Yeah, he should be at the club by now, actually.”
“The club? Who—what kind of date is he on?”
Matthew finally looked up properly at Gunwook. “Taerae’s favorite genre of music is ballads. His second favorite is EDM.”
“Taerae hyung? EDM?”
“Why? Is it so hard to believe that Taerae enjoys clubbing? That he likes loud music, and to dance, and to sometimes come home late with someone else too?”
“No, of course not.” Gunwook found it was only kind of hard to believe what he was hearing. Much harder to like.
Matthew cocked his head. “Because he does. He’s in his little silk shirt right now, probably terrifying that freshman in the music department that worships him by dancing to whatever horrible music is on at the club.”
Gunwook frowned. “Why are you telling me this?”
“I thought you asked.”
Gunwook doesn't know what to say to that.
Matthew sighed. “Hey. You know we haven’t done anything since that night we got wasted with the others and you slept over?”
Gunwook hadn’t even been thinking about that. “Um, yes.”
Matthew rolled his eyes fondly. “Gunwook. Look at me.”
He met Matthew’s eyes across the counter.
“I’ve been hooking up with someone else. You didn’t seem interested anymore.”
“Oh.” Gunwook blinked. That had not been what he was expecting Matthew to say. “Okay. Someone I know?”
“Never mind who it is. Does that bother you?”
“No.” Gunwook replied immediately, and meant it.
“Do you want to kiss me right now?”
“I…don’t think so.”
“Do you want me to kiss you?”
“Um. Not really. Not that you’re not a great kisser, hyung—”
“But you think there’s someone else you’d like to be kissing instead?”
Gunwook swallowed.
Matthew was trying not to smile. “Gunwook, do you like your friend with benefits' roommate?”
“Do you have to put it like that?”
Matthew laughed so hard he almost toppled off his stool. “Well, how do you want me to put it?”
“I don’t know!” Gunwook groaned. “I don’t know what to do. I’ve gone back and forth for weeks over whether to say something. Not that it matters, because Taerae hyung’s been avoiding me, so I obviously messed something up already. Maybe he caught on and is letting me down easy on purpose. He’s just ready to graduate and never see me ever again. And now he’s on a date?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about Yujin. He’s just incredibly cute and tall and athletic and has been obsessed with Taerae for months.”
Gunwook pointedly ignored that. “It’s just the circumstances! He knows me because I’ve been sleeping with his roommate, which already makes me feel like an asshole—”
“I can’t believe I’m the side chick now.”
Gunwook ignored that too. “—it’s a miracle we’re even friends, if you think about it. And I don’t want to ruin that, even though it’s looking like I already have. But he’s just so smart and sweet and I think I really, really like him.”
Matthew snorted. “Sweet? Taerae bit me yesterday because I ate his leftovers.”
“You deserved it.” Gunwook sniffed. Then he promptly buried his head in his hands and made an unintelligible sound of despair. “One time, he called me ‘kiddo’. Oh god, what do I do?”
“I think you already know the answer to that question.”
Gunwook sighed. “I’m gonna tell him. Before graduation, when I get the chance.”
“Do it tonight,” Matthew said. “When he gets back.”
“I just tell him?” Gunwook asked, suddenly feeling sick. “Just like that?”
“Yeah,” Matthew shrugged. “I happen to know Taerae is a sucker for romance. Big gestures and all that do it for him. He used to joke that John Cusack holding a boombox was his gay awakening, and I’m honestly not sure it was a joke.”
“Boombox,” Gunwook repeated weakly. “Right. Anything else I should know?”
“Yeah, actually,” Matthew said, suddenly looking serious. “It might not look like it, but Taerae isn’t as strong and careless as you think. He just acts like it. He’s been through a lot, and I’m on his side before anyone else’s. Do you know what I mean?”
Gunwook nodded solemnly. “I promise I’m not going to hurt him.”
Matthew smiled, returning to his easy-going self. “I know you won’t, Gunwookie. I trust you. Now, any other questions?”
Gunwook bit his lip. “Taerae hyung has a silk shirt?”
Matthew laughed, ruffling Gunwook’s hair as he walked to the sink.
“You should see him in his lace.”
—
Gunwook doesn’t go home after dinner. Instead, he watched Matthew pack to spend the night with his new secret hookup he refused to talk about and then stole one of his five million pillows to settle on the living room couch. There, Gunwook sat and solved crossword puzzles on his phone until long after the sun went down.
It was almost two in the morning when Taerae returned.
“Shit, Gunwook!” Taerae startled from where he had quietly begun to cross the living room before seeing Gunwook, still wide awake on the couch. “You scared me. Why are you out here? Did Matthew kick you out?”
Gunwook stared, unable to answer. He hadn’t seen Taerae in nearly three weeks, and was feeling the effects of missing him in full force. Now that he was here in front of him, looking unfairly good in a silk shirt just like Matthew had promised, Gunwook felt stupid that it had taken him this long to figure out what he wanted to do. Did he really think he could have let this go? Let Taerae go?
“Gunwook? Did you actually fight with Matthew?”
“No, no. Matthew’s actually not home. I just…never mind. How was your date?”
Taerae flushed. Gunwook kind of hated it.
“Matthew told you? It was fine. I had a better time than I thought I would.”
“I was beginning to think you weren’t coming home at all.”
Taerae raised an eyebrow at the accusatory tone that Gunwook hadn’t meant to let slip. “And why would you be concerned about that?”
“I don’t know. I like to know what my friends are up to, especially when they’ve been avoiding me for the past three weeks.”
“Friends? You’re sleeping with my roommate. I hardly think that constitutes you having to know what I'm up to at all times.”
“Really?” Gunwook asked, standing. “Because I think it’s even weirder if the roommate of my regular hookup is avoiding me.”
Taerae laughed. It wasn’t his typical pretty sound, but one that sounded mean. “Has it ever occurred to you that I have a life outside of being your regular hookup’s roommate? And that I was just busy with my own friends and life that you just don’t know about?”
Gunwook hated how everyone kept talking about all the things he didn’t know about Taerae. That’s exactly it, he wanted to yell. I also want to know those things. I want to know everything.
“When did I ever say I thought you were just Matthew’s roommate? I’m the one who’s been lost, trying to figure out if I did something wrong because you disappeared on me out of the blue!”
“I didn’t disappear and you didn’t do anything. I just got busy. Classes, and the radio—”
Gunwook scoffed. “You’re a terrible liar, hyung.”
Taerae sighed tiredly. “Gunwook, why are we even arguing? Do you have something you want to say?”
“Yes, actually.” Gunwook’s voice was steady despite the way his hands were trembling. He hadn’t meant to do it this way, but now that he had decided to say the words, it was hard to keep them from spilling out. It was like he had uncapped his feelings, and now they threatened to overflow everywhere.
“I like you, Taerae hyung. In fact, I think I’m in love with you.”
Taerae was standing close enough that Gunwook could see the surprise flash in his eyes.
He scrambled to add on, “I know you’re graduating soon, and I’m only a sophomore—”
“No, you’re not.”
“What?” Gunwook asked, thrown.
“You’re not in love with me, Gunwook.” Taerae said, crossing his arms. There was no trace of anything but certainty in his voice. “I think you have a crush on me, and I appreciate you thinking I’m cool and always wanting to listen to me talk about—”
“A crush?” Gunwook stared at him, stunned. “Hyung, I’m not some kid who doesn’t know what he wants. Do you think that just because I’m younger than you, I can’t mean what I say?”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” he replied, his tone maddeningly calm.
“I don’t take this lightly, and I mean it when I say I really like you.”
Taerae frowned. Gunwook was starting to think this was worse than an outright rejection.
“I just don’t think you're sure about what you want yet.”
“And the freshman you were with tonight does?” Gunwook demanded.
Taerae let out an incredulous laugh. “You of all people are not bringing other people into this! Not when you—you can’t just decide that you’re in love with me out of nowhere, Gunwook! It doesn’t work like that. You’re just deceiving yourself.”
“Deceiving myself.” Gunwook repeated, voice low and furious. “You think I haven’t thought about this for weeks? That I haven’t been trying to work up the courage to tell you how I feel? I didn’t decide anything out of the blue. Are you telling me these past months have meant nothing to you? That you felt absolutely nothing?”
“I’m sorry if I misled you in any way—”
Gunwook shook his head, unable to hear it. “If anyone’s lying to themself, it’s you, hyung. At least I’m being honest.”
“Or the truth just hurts, Gunwook!” Taerae snapped. “Maybe Matthew can kiss it better.”
The words hit Gunwook like a punch to the gut. He felt his face go hot with anger and hurt. “That’s not fair.”
“Fine.” Taerae ran a hand through his hair. “You want to know the truth, Gunwook? I watched you come and go from this apartment for months, and not once was it for me. I watched you continue to hook up with my best friend even in the weeks you claim to have been figuring out these feelings, and then the night I decide to finally go on a date to try and get over you, you suddenly show up and tell me you’re in love with me? Can you blame me for not trusting you?”
There’s a beat.
“Try and get over me?”
Taerae was staring at him, chest heaving. “Yeah. Which is apparently impossible, because everything tonight just reminded me of you.”
The room fell into silence.
“I shouldn’t have snapped at you.” Taerae sighed, averting his eyes. “I’m sorry for yelling. But you think you know now, that you’re sure? Well, I’ve seen how this kind of thing plays out before.”
“Hyung, please." Gunwook begged. "You can’t possibly—”
“No. I’m sorry, but I refuse—” Taerae’s voice broke before he spoke again, quieter this time but still firm. “I refuse to let this become something you just regret down the line.”
Gunwook opened his mouth to argue back, to say something that would convince him, but Taerae was already closing the door behind him, slipping away before he could even find the right words.
Not once had he expected the night to end this way. It would’ve been easier to accept that Taerae didn’t like him back than to let him think that Gunwook wasn’t serious about him at all.