Work Text:
These days it seemed as though Bam was keeping to himself more than he used to. With everything that had taken place in Train City, Bam had understandably been pretty distraught over his reunion with Rachel. On top of that, he was also struggling with the effects that the overuse of the Thorn had on him. Despite the extra strain on himself, Bam continued to push himself so they could catch up with the Hell Train by the time Rachel and her team arrived on the thirty seventh floor. If Bam wasn’t too busy resting after having overworked himself yet again, then he was usually preoccupied with his concerns of not being able to catch up to Rachel.
With all this in mind, anyone could see why there was hardly any time for Khun to have a proper conversation with Bam about what had happened. Plus, whenever Khun would try to broach the subject with Bam, he’d often be dismissed and be told that everything was ok. Maybe it was because Khun was Bam’s self-proclaimed best friend, or maybe everyone else could see it too, but Bam was not ok in the slightest, and it was an obvious thing to tell by taking one look at him.
This kind of behavior made Khun wonder if Bam became this way after he met Rachel again, or if he was already like this way back when he was in FUG. Since they had parted ways shortly after reuniting, it wasn’t easy to tell over the Pocket if anything had changed with Bam during their years spent apart. Afterall, Bam always seemed to be in a good mood when sharing about what his training had been like for the day. It’s not like they talked everyday, but it was enough for Khun to have felt like Bam was about the same person as he had been back on the Floor of Tests — back when Khun used to be his natural confidant about anything and everything.
It was wrong for Khun to have assumed that things would not have changed in the years that Bam had been with FUG. Putting aside whatever he had gone through with them, it didn’t seem that Bam was open with the members of Team Sweet and Sour either, seeing how Wangnan had mentioned that they only found out through Hwaryun that FUG was essentially blackmailing Bam in order to keep him in line. Bam hadn’t opened up with them about who his previous friends were, though that could’ve also been for their safety more than anything else. Whatever it was that Bam had gone through with FUG was most likely what made him become closed off toward others, Khun included.
Bam wasn’t the same person that he was when they had first met, but that didn’t mean that Khun cared for him any less. In a lot of ways, Bam was still the same person. The only difference had been that Bam had been through a lot since their first meeting. Khun wouldn’t hold that against him. However, that didn’t stop him from internalizing Bam’s behaviors. Because Khun had a feeling since the Floor of Tests that Rachel had lied to them about Bam’s supposed cause of death. Maybe, if he had just looked into it harder, he would’ve found out a long time ago that Bam didn’t actually die. Maybe he could’ve helped Bam sooner and planned out something sooner than the Workshop Battle to have taken him back from FUG.
Maybe he could’ve done this, or maybe he could’ve done that. Well maybe if Khun hadn’t advocated for Bam to take the administrator’s test just for Rachel then none of this would’ve ever happened. Sure, Bam might have given up on climbing the tower altogether without Rachel, but at least he would’ve been safe. Even if Khun would’ve never been able to see Bam again, he would’ve preferred that over whatever Bam had to endure these past couple of years. Perhaps Khun could’ve saved Bam the grief he’s had to endure during the time they’ve spent on the Hell Train. If Khun hadn’t been so selfish back then to want to climb the tower together, then maybe Bam would’ve been happier.
After they got back on the train following the Name Hunt Station, Bam locked himself in his room and refused to speak with anyone. Khun could understand why he had become so depressed. Bam had witnessed Ehwa and Rak’s potential deaths right before his eyes and had been helpless in the situation. Khun could admit that he didn’t know Bam as well as he used to before, but seeing how many of Bam’s traits were the same, Khun could only assume that Bam was blaming himself for it. Many efforts were made to try and help improve Bam’s mood, but no matter what he did, it felt as though there was nothing that Khun could provide as a source of comfort.
He had tried to give Bam many opportunities to talk about what happened. Khun would try to ask how he was feeling and where his head was at, but Bam would not engage with the conversation. Khun knew that Bam was working through his thoughts in his own way, but it worried Khun that he didn’t know what exactly Bam was figuring out within himself. What if he started planning illogical rescue missions that would only put himself in danger if he even attempted to carry them out on his own? According to Wangnan, that was something that Bam did quite a bit when they had first met. Just for the sake of not getting anyone else involved in his problems, Bam would try to handle everything on his own. Khun didn’t want Bam to put himself in those kinds of situations ever again. He had companions that were willing to help him if he would only give them the chance. Bam didn’t need to carry the weight of everything by himself, but it seemed as though Bam truly believed that that was the only choice he had.
Still wanting to keep the line of communication open, Khun opted to be the one to deliver Bam’s meals to him when they were ready. Through the other side of the door, Khun would offer some more words of encouragement as well as words of concern so that Bam knew that there were people who wanted to be there to support him, but there was never any response. Despite how the lack of response frustrated him, Khun didn’t want to pry since he figured that Bam would accept the support when he was ready. Trying to force Bam to open up to him would probably lead to him getting more upset than he already was, and that was definitely not what Khun was striving for. So, he decided to leave Bam’s meal at his door and distract himself with something else until he could conjure up another excuse to come by and check up on Bam.
With nothing else to do, Khun went back to his own room and reviewed everything that happened at the Name Hunt Station. If he was being honest, he was rather disappointed in himself. He hadn’t been able to help Bam with Karaka back at the Name Hunt Station. Of course a Regular didn’t stand much of a chance against a Slayer, but Khun was from one of the Ten Great Families, he should’ve been an exception. He should have been able to do something. Like himself, Ehwa was from the Ten Great Families as well, but she was injured. She couldn’t have done much in her state and Khun understood that. Sure, Endorsi was a princess of Jahad, but she was more focused on getting them inside the train. She couldn’t have been able to also focus on providing support against Karaka. Yuri and Evan were able to help out, but there was only so much they could do while there were potential casualties around them. Khun should’ve been the exception, he should’ve been more useful back there, but he wasn’t , and because of that, Bam was currently mourning the potential loss of two of his friends.
Khun also hadn’t been able to provide much support to Bam during his fight with Kaiser. Yes, the official fight was between Bam and Kaiser and it was against the rules for anyone else to interfere, but Khun could’ve probably figured something out. He probably could’ve figured out some underhanded way to support Bam without being in the fight himself. All he ended up doing though was standing by and watching Bam get hurt badly while Bam tried to figure out how to defeat Kaiser on his own. And even after the fact, the only thing he was able to provide Bam was a movable bed via a lighthouse. Considering everything that Bam had been able to do for them at the Name Hunt Station, something like this was rather small in comparison.
It was pathetic.
The same goes for the situation with Alphine. It was Khun who had figured out how to escape her Shadow Fox, but Bam most likely would have been able to figure out something else on his own if Khun hadn’t been there. Maybe it would’ve taken him a bit more time, but Khun was confident that Bam could’ve found a solution as well.
All Khun could really provide was his loyalty as Bam’s best friend — but did that really mean anything? Loyalty wouldn’t get Bam to the top of the tower. Loyalty wouldn’t get Bam reunited with Rachel. It’s not like Khun wanted Bam to meet with Rachel again seeing how the last time they were properly reunited Rachel had pushed him to his supposed death again . It was illogical to want to continue to pursue someone who wanted nothing to do with you, but even so, logic and rationality didn’t matter much when it came down to things that Bam wanted. If meeting Rachel was what truly Bam wanted, then Khun would help Bam out in any way to achieve his goals.
Not wanting to dwell on the thoughts any further, Khun decided that maybe he would try to speak with Bam again. It would be a good opportunity anyway to check to see if Bam had eaten. He hadn’t eaten anything since the day before so it would be best if Bam had this meal before the food went bad. Besides, a good amount of time had most likely passed since he had left Bam’s room earlier, right?
Hopping to his feet, Khun mulled over what he’d like to say to Bam once he got to his room. Surely he would need a pep talk this time around. But what would be good enough for him to say? What would do the trick? In the past, Khun could say something like ‘leave it to me’ and Bam would put his faith in him entirely, but it’s a little difficult to try and get by with such confidence when the stakes were literally life and death. Khun couldn’t talk his way out of that one. Or, he could , but not with Bam. He did not want to give Bam false hope with empty promises if Bam was already under the impression that his friends were dead. If Bam was in a better mood, then Khun would risk giving him fake optimism to hold on to. But not right now, not when the emotions were still raw.
In the past, Bam would regularly praise Khun and vocalize his appreciation for Khun’s intellect and abilities, but where were those so-called skills now? When was the last time that one of Khun’s plans actually went entirely to plan? He had been the one to decide to board the train while Karaka, Yuri and Evan were facing off with one another. He had been the one to allow injured people to try and join them when his better judgment was completely against the idea. He knew that it wouldn’t work out, but he ignored the thought in favor of adhering to what Bam wanted. Instead of giving himself some extra time to properly think over how the injured could board the train safely, he lumped them in with his original plan. And well … now they found themselves in their current situation.
Normally Khun’s plans went well, but these days it felt like they kept deviating because Bam cares too much for others and wants to save everyone, especially Rachel, and that was something that Khun had been struggling to account for in his plans. Adding more people to his plans only served to complicate them more, but even so, Khun didn’t think that it was wrong for Bam to want to help others. It’s not like Bam was from the Khun family, it’s not like he understood the way that Khun’s mind worked. It wasn’t a character flaw to care about others, but it was Khun’s fault for being unable to properly account for his best friend's actions and feelings into his plans. That’s how they ended up in situations like this. Ever since they had first met, Bam was always trying his best to make sure that no one was ever left behind. At the end of the day, it was no one's fault but Khun’s that his plans kept failing. After all these years, Khun still couldn't lump everyone in his plans. Or maybe he just didn't want to.
Khun slowly blinked when he realized that his legs had stopped moving. He refocused his attention on his surroundings and it dawned on him that he had already gotten to Bam’s room. It was probably muscle memory that made his body stop walking the moment he got to Bam’s room. Khun looked down and frowned when he noticed that Bam’s tray was still laid before his door, untouched.
“Bam? Are you in there?” Khun reached over and gently knocked on the door. “Still not feeling hungry?” The tone of his voice wavered and ultimately died off when Bam’s door slid open on its own. That was new. “Bam?” He peered inside to find that the room was vacant save for Bam’s empty bed which laid in the middle.
Khun’s body froze and he could feel his heart beating in his ears. He took a step back, practically ready to call the others to go searching for Bam, but Khun had a short moment of clarity where he reeled it back in. He closed his eyes and took a long, shaky breath, allowing his thoughts to clear for a moment so he could think it over properly. If everyone was already on edge, the last thing they needed was a false alarm that Bam had gone off who knows where to do who knows what. Khun needed to think this through. Stepping forward again and making sure to not accidentally kick Bam’s food, Khun walked into the room and sat down on Bam’s bed, the door sliding shut behind him as he did so.
Reviewing the facts, Khun reminded himself that the Hell Train doors do not open unless they have reached the next floor. They are still a good distance away from the next floor so it was highly unlikely that Bam had left to go search for his friends at the Name Hunt Station. Also, the conductor hadn’t made an announcement of the doors opening either, so logically there was no way that Bam had gotten off the train. It was safe to assume that Bam was somewhere on the train, but the question was where ?
No matter what Bam was thinking or feeling about Rachel at the moment, he should know that it wouldn’t be a good idea to go looking for her seeing that Hoaqin was with her. While Bam is undoubtedly worried about the status of Wangnan’s team, knowing Bam, he was more preoccupied and distraught over Ehwa and Rak having been left behind.
Khun sighed and ran a hand through his hair. The logical conclusion would be that Bam went to meet with the Guardian at the Rice Pot in order to get stronger. If Khun’s train of thought was correct, then Bam’s guilt over what happened led him to believe that the only thing he could do to make up for it was to get stronger so he wouldn’t find himself in this kind of situation again. At least, that’s just the kind of guy that Bam was.
Bam wouldn’t stop to consider that there were people who would happily stand by his side during the most difficult of situations if he’d just ask . Bam was the kind of guy that many people would risk their lives for, Khun included, so there’s no reason for him to feel guilty about landing them in dangerous situations. Being associated with Bam — being associated with Jue Viole Grace , would naturally get you on a lot of people’s bad side. People make the active choice to stay beside Bam knowing this information. But instead of acknowledging that it’s because of him that they want to stay, Bam instead only thinks about how he could protect those around him.
Khun was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard a sound from outside the door. He quickly straightened up where he was sitting and stared at the door, waiting for Bam to come walking in any second now — but that didn’t happen. Straining his ears, it became apparent that it was just the sound of someone else walking by, not Bam coming back. Khun slumped back down on his spot on the bed and sighed, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair again, at this point making it look like a tousled mess.
Trying to focus his attention on something else instead, Khun took out his ponytail and combed his fingers through his hair to give it a kempt appearance before tying it back up. The last thing he needed was Bam worrying about him when he came back to his room. Khun looked toward the door again and then back down at his lap as he tapped a finger against his thigh. Bam would be coming back … right?
An uncomfortable feeling settled in Khun’s stomach at the fact that he didn’t have a definite answer to that question. Would there come a day when Bam would no longer feel the need to come back? That it would instead be better for him to continue on his own?
Khun couldn’t help Bam save people who mattered to him. What if one day Bam comes to think, “it should’ve been Khun instead.” That was the kind of dialogue that often haunted Khun’s dreams. In actuality, Bam wasn’t like that and Khun knew this, but if one day Bam had to choose between him and Rachel … well, Khun couldn’t say that he’d know who Bam would save. Or rather, Khun did know what Bam’s choice would be, but he didn’t want it to be like that. He’d want Bam to choose him instead, to view him in the same light as Khun does for him. But Rachel had been Bam’s everything in the past, and it seemed that such a statement still held true even now seeing how Bam had completely lost control of the Thorn back in Train City and put everything at risk all because of Rachel.
Khun could not compete with such devotion and it bothered him. Because no matter how much Bam swore that he cared about his friends, the fact of the matter is that what Hwaryun had vocalized was true — that Bam had disregarded everyone’s safety for the sake of his own goal to meet Rachel again. If something were to happen to Khun because of Rachel, would Bam forgive her? Or would he actually be upset with her? Khun couldn’t say that he had the answer to that either. He did feel the distance that grew between him and Bam when he had put Rachel’s life in danger. Whether it was on Khun’s behalf, or Bam’s, or maybe even both, it didn’t matter. Khun had no reason to apologize to Rachel, much less feel sorry for her, but maybe Bam held that against him too. Khun had threatened someone close to Bam. Why should he deserve to be considered someone that Bam cared about too?
When the familiar sound of the door opening registered in Khun’s mind, he looked up and felt his shoulders relax instantly. He placed a hand over the one that had been tapping against his leg and smiled softly. Bam had momentarily looked shocked to see Khun waiting for him, but he didn’t seem put off by it. That had to be a good sign, right?
Getting on his feet to erase some of the physical distance between him and Bam, Khun stuffed his hands into his pockets as he inquired on whether Bam had gone off to the Rice Pot again. He felt a warmth spread across his chest when his guess had been correct. At least he wasn’t wrong when it came to this assumption about Bam. He could take pride in that, if anything.
Still, Bam didn’t look bothered by Khun knowing where he had been nor did he seem against Khun having waited for him in his room. Surely this was a sign that he was open to addressing the elephant in the room. Khun decided to test his luck a bit and phrase his concern in the form of a teasing remark. Then came the hard part: disclosing his honest feelings to Bam. Sharing such vulnerable feelings was easier to do when he had already created a somewhat casual atmosphere. Because Bam didn’t seem as distraught as he was just yesterday, and he wasn't bothered by Khun calling him out for trying to get stronger on his own. Wasn’t this the best time to segue into the fact that Khun was scared to be left behind by him?
That’s why Khun hadn’t been so bothered when Endorsi burst into the room before he was able to hear Bam’s response. Normally he would’ve gotten annoyed with her for such behavior, but this time he couldn’t bring himself to care too much. Having to hear Bam’s response to his honest emotions was not something he felt ready for, but at the same time Khun wanted to express himself to at least get some of his worries off his chest.
With Bam now distracted by Endorsi’s argument with Yuri, Khun kept his focus on Bam. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he felt himself unable to look away. Because who knows if this time when he took his eyes off Bam, Bam would truly disappear forever without any way for Khun to catch up to him again.
Since Bam did seem to be in a better mood than the last time that they had seen one another, Khun decided that this would be a good time to address Bam’s own concerns. In the brief moment where Endorsi and Yuri had started arguing with one another again, Khun took the opportunity to tell Bam that Ehwa and Rak are most likely still alive. While he still had nothing definite that he could go off of, Khun did have his confidence with himself, and Bam does put his trust in anything that Khun says with just the right amount of certainty.
Was it wrong for him to feed Bam baseless optimism? Sure, but Khun truly believed that Ehwa and Rak were tougher than that and were most likely alive out there somewhere. And that was all he needed to feel comfortable guiding Bam’s focus elsewhere for the time being.
The next day they successfully passed the entrance test and following that Khun decided to seek out Evan for some extra training. Now that he knew for sure that Bam was undergoing training in order to get stronger, he couldn’t waste his time anymore just sitting around with his thoughts. His skills were already nowhere near Bam’s as it is. The more time he spent lost in his mind, the more distance was being created between him and Bam. Khun had to do what he could to close the distance as best he could and as fast as he could. If he couldn’t do it now, then when could he?
Sometimes Khun felt like he was the only person who had Bam’s best interest in mind, despite this not being true in the slightest. Rak didn’t care about Bam being Jue Viole Grace, a FUG Slayer Candidate, an Irregular, etc. To Rak, Bam was just ‘Black Turtle’, and he would not willingly sit around if he knew that there was someone out there trying to use Bam for their own bidding. Rak lacked the ability to take a step back and properly think through a situation before acting, but Khun couldn’t say that that was necessarily a bad thing either. It was that impulsivity of his that ultimately got them to pass Hansung’s Door Test, wasn’t it?
The same could be said for Team Sweet and Sour. They didn’t care about using Bam to further their own agenda. He couldn’t speak for what their dynamic was like when they all initially met, but in the time that Khun has known them, he could say for sure that they weren’t like that. They had been the ones to ask Khun to train them so they could help save Horyang and Bam back at the Workshop Battle. That didn’t really sound like the behavior of someone who was looking to take advantage of someone else. The idea of going out of your way to save someone was already too much work if you didn’t care about the individual in question.
There had been times when Khun looked at their team and wondered if that was what a family was supposed to be like. The more he watched them, the more it made sense that a family was supposed to be composed of individuals who genuinely cared for one another and supported each other. They didn’t care that Horyang was a living ignition weapon. To them, he was just Horyang, a precious teammate. And they were doing everything that they could in order to help wake him up, including boarding the Hell Train to find Cassano. It didn’t matter that the Hell Train had a pretty low survival rate. To them, Horyang was worth taking such risks. And Khun knows that deep down they would’ve done the same for Bam. Actually, isn’t that what Ehwa had done back at the station? She essentially got rid of all the hostages so that Bam would have no reason to stick around and risk putting himself in a dangerous situation with Karaka.
And what has Khun been able to do for Bam during all this time, really? In comparison to what everyone else has been able to do for Bam, Khun couldn’t say that his efforts could compare. It was for that very reason that he needed to focus on training himself to get stronger so he could be of use in some way. He needed to catch up to everyone else. He especially needed to catch up to Bam.
During the night time Khun often found himself unable to fall asleep. His mind was an incessant chatter, constantly dragging him from one concern to another. It felt almost impossible to escape the mistakes of his past. Khun felt like he could see reminders of them everywhere even with his eyes closed. A small part of his mind, a voice that seemed to resemble Bam’s, would tell him to not be so hard on himself and to take care of himself first before he started worrying about others. But as quickly as that thought came to him, an even louder voice would come in and mute it out of his mind. Khun had no opportunity to find comfort in Bam’s reassuring words when his own inner critic would remind him of every single reason why he didn’t deserve to hear such words.
On one such occasion after some of this mental back and forth, Khun’s mind wandered back to the conversation he had with Rak back at the Floor of Tests. Khun had been afraid to ask Bam if they could go up the tower together. He had acknowledged back then that his mistake with Maria was that he had been too afraid to ask if they could go up the tower, and yet he went ahead and made the same mistake with Bam as well. Instead of Khun having been the one to ask, it was Bam who asked if they could go up the tower together, though it was probably more for Rachel’s sake than anything else.
Did Khun ever actually establish that he wanted to go up the tower with Bam just for the sake of being beside one another? Yes they were already established as friends and it was natural to want to stick beside a friend, but did Bam know that? Did he know that Khun was beside him because they were best friends and not because of Bam’s power?
Khun slowly opened his eyes and stared at what would be the ceiling in the dark room. He wasn’t getting anywhere in trying to get some rest. It did him no good to have these memories resurface. Khun sat up in his bed and decided that if he wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep then he might as well spend his time practicing before his next training session. It didn’t matter how exhausted his body felt, he would keep going until he couldn’t go anymore. If he was able to keep himself up with bothersome thoughts then he still had enough strength left in him to keep practicing. Might as well channel that energy into something productive.
That was how Khun spent his days: he'd go through intense training with Evan during the day and would spend his free time practicing when he was unable to get rest. Sleep didn’t come easy to Khun, but when it did it was hardly restful. He found himself plagued with nightmares, feeling as though all his efforts weren’t leading anywhere and the end result was going to be the same. No matter what he did, Khun didn’t feel satisfied, and he was at a loss on what to do next. There weren’t exactly many options of things to do on the Hell Train, afterall.
This attitude ended up affecting Khun’s appetite as well. The idea of eating food was nauseating at best. What was the point of wasting time eating a meal when that meant it was time taken away from his practice? Khun believed that his skills hadn’t improved in the slightest. Why should he reward himself for that by giving himself a break? Khun couldn’t let himself fall behind. He’d eat just enough to keep his body going and would stop short before it meant that he’d need to take a break. There were better things for him to do anyway, more important matters that needed to be attended to. Khun couldn’t waste the limited time that he already had.
At some point during this routine, Khun starts to feel as though he can understand Bam who is chasing after Rachel. He feels as though he is chasing after someone who does not want to be chased. That no matter what he does, Bam is just outside of his grasp and Khun will never be able to reach him. Khun has his own reasons for climbing the tower, that objective has never changed, but at the same time he wants Bam to be by his side all the time. Of course there will be times that they need to be separated, like the one year that they needed to be apart to train in order to have a chance at surviving the Hell Train. However, even in that one year gap, Khun felt at ease knowing that Bam was at least closeby via the Pocket compared to being far away, somewhere that Khun would be unable to reach him. Anytime he was reminded of this, Khun would grow restless all over again and would work harder in his training.
The poor lifestyle choices that Khun was making did not go unnoticed by Evan. How could it? He spent many hours a day training Khun, and Evan had quietly observed the shift in both Khun’s appearance and his behavior. Khun seemed to get aggravated with himself more quickly whenever he messed up on something or couldn’t pick up a skill right away. Evan couldn’t understand why Khun was putting himself through so much mental anguish. It was obvious that Bam was someone extraordinary not just because of his status as an Irregular, but also because of the statuses of the people around him who supported him. It was relatively ok for Yuri to support Bam because she believed in doing whatever she wanted whenever she wanted, but in her case she actually had the strength to protect herself if things went wrong. Khun didn’t exactly have that. Khun was at a disadvantage and Evan wished to understand what it was that drove him to this extent. What was it about Bam that made Khun push himself so hard for him?
Evan wasn’t exactly sure why he was expecting to hear a direct answer from someone of the Khun family. Of course Khun had to give him some convoluted riddle to explain why Bam was someone worth following. Khun confides in Evan that he believes that the world would end if Bam wasn’t there. Quietly, Khun thinks about how Bam’s world would continue just fine if Khun wasn’t there. When Khun comments that he’d go as far as he can with Bam, Evan isn’t sure how to respond. What is there to say in response to that? He doesn’t know Khun well enough to offer any kind of response. But considering how hard he was pushing himself in Evan’s training alone, it probably wouldn’t be wrong to assume that Khun would rather work himself to death than be left behind. It was rather sad that Khun was unable to acknowledge that this kind of fate was not something that his friend would ever want for him, but it wasn’t in his place to make such a comment.
When they meet again following the advancement test for the forty second floor, Khun immediately notices how roughed up Bam looked from his training. In contrast, Bam seemed to be in good spirits which must mean that the training went well at least. A mixture of dread and relief settled in Khun’s gut, hoping that his own training got him closer to whatever level Bam was at now. Just like Evan had said, Bam was growing at a monstrous rate. Of course there was no way Khun could ever hope to compare to Bam’s skill, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t get close enough for Bam to feel like he needed to have him around.
Khun attempted to ask how his training had gone, but Bam naturally evaded answering the question and instead noted how Khun had looked different from the last time they saw one another. For the sake of not arguing with Bam the moment that they met again, Khun feigned ignorance. He knew that Bam would be bothered if he found out that Khun was neglecting his own needs in favor of Bam’s. Khun definitely didn’t want to get into that argument with him right now. He wasn’t sure how he’d even be able to navigate it. When he would inevitably be backed into a corner, would he accidentally express his own frustrations of inferiority and speak words that he never meant to say aloud? Khun couldn’t take that risk. Instead it was easier to pretend that he didn’t know and make an unspoken promise to keep a better eye on it in the future.
Having Bam closeby did wonders for Khun’s physical and mental health. Khun was actually able to get sleep and eat his meals with Bam doting on him all the time. He pretended to not notice the side glances that Bam would send his way, he pretended that the attention didn’t make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Whenever Bam actively sought out Khun he’d suddenly get reinvigorated with energy. Even when Bam was just looking for him to have a casual conversation, Khun suddenly felt able to tackle any subject with him. The conversation could be about the most mundane of topics such as the annoying cold temperature and never ending night time that they were currently enduring. If it meant that Bam would stick by for a little longer, if it meant that he’d keep his attention on Khun instead of thinking about chasing after a certain someone, then Khun would be willing to do anything.
They spent a month waiting to get to the Floor of Death. The time spent with Bam made Khun start to wonder why he had been pushing himself so hard in order to get stronger. During the past month Bam had constantly been looking for Khun for what seemed to be for the sake of just being around him. Even when Bam was talking with Endorsi and Yuri, he liked having Khun there despite Khun at times getting lost in his own thoughts and not contributing anything to the conversation.
Overall, Khun felt that his pervasive negative thoughts dissipated when Bam was around. When Bam spoke with him, when Bam cast a smile his way, when Bam simply existed around him, Khun was at ease. The worries and fears that were consuming his every waking moment while he was training disappeared in the blink of an eye whenever Bam was within sight, as though Bam was an anchor of sorts for Khun’s anxiety. The closer that they were physically, the more at peace Khun felt.
But of course, all good things must come to an end. The night before they were to arrive at the Floor of Death, Khun’s worries came back to him. They settled in his nerves and made him uneasy. He couldn’t stomach his dinner that night, couldn’t stop tossing and turning in bed as he tried to rest. The reality came crashing back down on him that Bam was only going through all this for Rachel. Khun wasn’t sure if he’d be able to control the vile feeling that would arise in his throat whenever he was around Rachel, moreso when Bam was still actively trying to protect her when she didn’t deserve it. He didn’t know if he could keep himself from trying to kill her again. Even though he had already told Bam that he couldn’t guarantee her safety, he still felt the need to restrain himself. What was he going to do when he saw Rachel again? What would Bam do? He didn’t know. All he knew was that he didn’t want Bam to leave him behind again for the sake of chasing after Rachel.
The next day while they were getting ready for what was awaiting them, Khun shot a pensive glance over at Bam, quietly wondering to himself if he’d be able to accomplish anything that would have Bam looking his way and be thankful that Khun was around.