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When Eddie first heard the news he just assumed it was another one of his flatmate’s stories, the product of an overactive imagination and too much free time. And what kind of a name was Felicity anyway? It certainly didn’t sound real to Eddie.
But here she was in the Lamb and Flag listening to his nonsense and cooing “Richie darling” at him. Even then Eddie still had his doubts. Maybe she was a scheming seductress and this would only end up being a repeat of Richie’s last date. But unlike Lady Natasha, Felicity didn’t seem bothered by Richie’s lack of money. In fact she was impressed by his ability to get free drinks…never mind that he learned the old “healthy and safety inspector” trick from Eddie.
If anything the gold digger accusations could be levied against Richie himself seeing as his date actually had a job. It was in something called consulting, but her explanation didn’t make any sense to Eddie, and it all sounded illegal anyway. Yes, that was probably it! This date was part of some elaborate plot that Richie was the unknowing victim of. Her shady dealings would only hurt Richie in the end, but he could stop it before it got too far.
He’d unmask her as the villain she is right here, right now in the pub for all to see and then he’d take his darling Richie back to the safety of their flat. He could hear the adoring praise now: “Oh Eddie, what would I do without you? You’re so brave to have saved me from that evil woman. Oh Eddie, how can I ever repay you? Oh Eddie Eddie Eddie.”…That was strange, he could actually hear those last calls of his name.
“Eddie, you alright mate?,” Dave Hedgehog asked for the 3rd time and finally snapped Eddie out of his reverie.
“Just lost in thought,” Eddie sheepishly mumbled, almost certain he was blushing now. Oh well, he could just blame it on the lager.
Dave and Spudgun looked at each other bewildered. Eddie was the brains of their operation and they needed his technical know-how to pull off their daring heist. But their plotting was going nowhere as Eddie’s eyes kept drifting back to the table where Richie sat…and Dave knew it wasn’t wonky vision from one too many drinks. He recognized that look of longing – he’d certainly worn a similar look in his younger years. And having been happily married for 20 years now he also knew a few things that his bespectacled friend did not.
“You know Eddie, sometimes you’ve just got to take a chance and really go for what you want. Even if it scares the crap out of you,” Dave said with the air of a wise old sage.
Now it was Eddie’s turn to look confused. What could this possibly have to do with him foiling a secret plot to hurt his flatmate? But those feelings of confusion were quickly replaced. In his drunken haze he suddenly felt a light bulb flicker overhead. Interestingly it was the same tint as the neon sign above the pub entrance. He knew what had to be done. He began staggering over to the table where Richie and Felicity sat.
“Alright the jig is up Felicity, if that is your real name,” he said menacingly. “I know what your real intentions are and I won’t let you get away with it.” Richie frantically darted his eyes between his friend and date.
“Eddie, what is the meaning of this,” he asked nervously.
“This vixen knows,” Eddie said as he sneered at Felicity. “She doesn’t love you Richie, she’s only going to hurt you.”
“Felicity would never, isn’t that right darling?” Richie looked over to his date, whose expression now reminded him of Mr. Rottweiler – what a horrid thought. “I said, isn't that right darling?,” he stammered.
Felicity let out an exasperated sigh. “Okay Richie, I do work for a pharmaceutical company looking to create a very special kind of fragrance and you’re just the kind of guy we’d like to hear from.”
Richie was floored by a wave of emotions: betrayal, anger, and sadness at once again having his romantic dreams dashed. He couldn’t believe this was happening again. Would he ever find love?
“Look, just give me a call if you’d like to be part of our focus group,” she said, throwing a business card onto the table. And with that she was gone. Eddie had successfully saved Richie like prince charming. Well a bald, alcoholic prince charming. And just like those fairy tales he expected to be rewarded with a good shag – erm a kiss.
“Eddie, you bastard! How could you do this to me? You knew I was getting close to finally doing it and you had to go and ruin it for me,” Richie ranted, his anger only growing stronger. “This is just typical. You stole Ethel Cardew from me when she was practically my fiancée. And you couldn’t let me have Lady Natasha even if she only wanted me for my money.”
“But Richie you haven’t gotten any money”
“That isn’t the point,” he said and stormed out of the pub.
Well this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Shouldn’t they be on their way to shag city by now? Or at the very least a saucy kiss. Eddie knew if he wanted any hope at either he’d better fix this, so he followed after Richie.
Back at the flat Richie was still fuming and ready to take his anger out on Eddie for ruining his date. It was strange, as much as Eddie complained about him always lurking around, he really didn’t want him to stray too far. Before Richie could think about this any longer, Eddie burst through the door.
“What have you got to say for yourself young man?,” Richie demanded.
“Rich, if you would just let me explain,” Eddie started but was interrupted.
“What’s there to explain? You just can’t stand to see me happy. You know I’ve been alone all these years and yet you ruin all my attempts at finding love.”
Alone all these years…What was Eddie, chopped liver? …No that’d be a delicacy compared to Richie’s Friday night fry ups, but he was getting sidetracked. Right now he needed to focus.
“I do want you to be happy Richie but I don’t see why you can’t be happy with me.” Eddie had to look down at their dirty floorboards as he said that last part, it was just too much vulnerability.
Eddie’s confession lingered in the silence of Richie’s shock, his eyes were wider than normal and his mouth was agape. He could only form a single word response: “What?”
“Oh you heard me,” Eddie started up again. “What’s wrong with us? Sure we have our scraps from time to time, but so does any couple. And we’ve had fun over the years, haven't we Richie? Remember when I taught you to play chess. Or that time we got to take over the landlord’s shop. Even being on that deadly Ferris wheel wasn’t all that bad because you were right there with me.”
For once in his life Richie was truly speechless, leaving Eddie to fill the space by rambling about their past adventures. At points he would start a sentence not knowing how it would be but just hoping that Richie would understand. It’s not like Eddie was known for being one with words, Richie was the poet of the two. And thankfully his spiel was finally put to an end.
“Oh Eddie,” Richie exclaimed and threw his arms around his flatmate. “I love you too.”
And Eddie finally got that kiss he was after all along.