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The night sky was cloudy above him.
Through the smog, Jaewon could barely make out the outlines of the city skyline. There was something there, in the haze, but it was distant. He needed distant.
There was nothing around him, no passing cars or rushing people, no cameras or phones to be wary of. You could never appreciate the beauty of silence until you were without it.
The grass beneath him was damp, and Jaewon could feel the dew soaking into his hoodie. He thought he should care, considering it wasn’t even his to begin with, but that all seemed unimportant now.
Originally Dongho’s, Jaewon had taken the hoodie from its resting place on the back of a chair before he had left the dorm. It wasn’t as soft as Jaewon’s own, too new and too stiff, but the sleeves were just barely fraying and the hood was big enough to hide in, so it was perfect.
(He ignored how it smelt of Dongho, of the fresh scented cologne he preferred, and of the shampoo from the hotel they were staying at last night).
In the big pocket of the hoodie, Jaewon was able to hide his hands, and all covered up, he felt hidden from the world.
He felt safe.
This field wasn’t something he had known existed, and wasn't even entirely sure where it was on the map. He had walked for what felt like hours before asking a taxi driver to take him outside of town.
The taxi driver had given him a concerned look, perhaps saw that something was missing in the look of his eyes, but said nothing. Jaewon wasn’t sure if he had wanted him to.
A plane flew overhead, its lights signaling its shape amongst the dark backdrop of the sky. Jaewon supposed he could hear it, but the sounds were muffled in his ears, as if hearing them from underwater.
He thought about all the people on the plane, about how they must know where they were going, how they would continue on their journey.
Jaewon had spent so long trying to survive his journey, he was unsure of how to continue it.
He thinks of his mom, and one of the few vacations they had taken when he was young. His mother had gotten a bonus at work and she took them to the beach. Jaewon couldn’t remember now if it was Jeju or somewhere else, but he did remember the stars.
How they outlined the sky, filling the night with shimmery pieces of the universe.
The beach had been nearly empty, the town almost rural in nature. But that meant there was nothing to distract them from the beautiful expanse of the night.
His mom had laid down next to him on the beach, ignoring the sand getting everywhere, and pointed out all the stars she knew. When she ran out, they started making up their own stories. One star connected to another, helping a third star get across to meet a lover.
They were silly, looking back, but Jaewon yearns for that carefree feeling now.
He hadn’t thought about his mother in a while. It had been too long now, though, and Jaewon didn’t know what he would even say. Had she seen the news? What did she know?
Somewhere, deep inside the recesses of his brain, Jaewon knew that she wouldn’t care. She would be happy that he was safe, scared that he had almost left, and overall thankful that he came back to her. But fear overrides logic every single time, and so the messages to her remained unsent.
For all that she had been Mayhem’s number one fan, he wasn’t sure how one could be a fan of something that didn’t exist anymore.
Yes, they had the name and the company and the fans who somehow still remained behind them, but they were an empty shell of their former selves.
The entire taxi cab, Jaewon had scrolled through old photos on his phone, noticing all the true smiles that had come out. Dongho holding Boba with tender care, Dae showing off another one his collected sneakers, Minseok giving a speech at a music show.
Now, those smiles felt forced, something to appease Jaewon, as if he could go off at any moment. There was no comfortable silences, just tense pauses and awkward conversations that led nowhere.
Jaewon tried to ignore how none of them would let him be alone, even for just a moment. Even when he would come out of the bathroom, there would be someone there, acting as though they hadn’t been waiting for him to come out of the shower for an hour.
(Everyone knew the best place to cry was where the tears were never heard).
They were a group, but what did that really mean? Where would they even be able to go from here?
Jaewon wanted to be optimistic, wanted to believe that their passion for music and for their group would be enough to help them fix everything. Patch it all up as if their issues were just small holes in a pair of well-worn jeans.
He thinks he dropped his optimism somewhere around the time Ahra went to the hospital, and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to find it again.
The group hadn’t fallen apart, though, not yet at least.
Lost in his thoughts, Jaewon didn’t notice the person coming up behind him until he recognized the pair of black shoes near his head.
He gently turned, looking beyond the hoodie’s brim to see Dongho, hands shoved in a dark jacket, dark hair covering his face. He had a soft look on his face, not quite a smile but something fond regardless.
They didn’t share any words.
Jaewon moved over a slight amount, leaving enough space for Dongho to sit by his head, folding his legs up so that he could hug his knees. He rested his head atop this makeshift perch, turning to face Jaewon.
“You alright?”
A simple question.
It was the simple questions that had the complicated answers.
“Not yet.”
A small hum. An acknowledgement. An affirmation that still, he was not alone.
“I wasn’t there for you. But I want to be, from now on.”
Jaewon didn’t say anything, just lifted his right hand up so Dongho could gently grab it. A gentle touch, one that Jaewon hadn’t had for so long.
A promise for a future that wanted to be better.