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Dear Diary,
My name is Stefan Salvatore.
Or at least, I wish it was. But you know this. Until today, you were the only person I’d ever told. Or, I suppose you aren’t a person, you’re a book, which would make Katherine the only person I’ve ever really told.
I did tell her. I was so worried she would hate me for it, or tell me that I’m crazy. But she just said that humans have a lot of silly rules that they use to control people, and the joy of being a vampire is you get to break those rules. She snuck into Damon’s room with me -- I’m not sure where he was, out getting into trouble I imagine -- and we stole some of his old clothes. Then she helped me get out of my wretched dress and called me Stefan the rest of the night, it was wonderful.
I’m wearing Damon’s clothes now. I’ve hidden my hair up in a hat. Katherine asked if I wanted it cut last night but I worry what father would do. I can’t let him see me dressed like this. But what’s one more secret to keep? And it’s such a wonderful secret. It makes me feel even more alive than the first time Katherine told me she loved me.
Dear Diary,
My name is Caroline Forbes.
Isn’t Caroline such a wonderful name? Mom helped me pick it out, we spent hours and hours looking through books of baby names. They were all terrible like Belinda or Prudence, or just so boring. Until finally mom opened one at random, closed her eyes and pointed to a name.
💕Caroline💕
Apparently it means “free” or “song of happiness” and that’s exactly how I feel, like there’s a song that’s been trapped in my heart all these years and I can finally let it free. I can finally be me!
I’m going to be honest, I’m surprised how well mom has been taking my coming out. Dad just left a little less than a month ago, with his “friend” Steven. I don’t know why mom insists on calling them “friends.” I know that they’re boyfriends. Maybe it’s easier for her that way, I don’t know. I know she’s heartbroken. I don’t know how to talk to my dad anymore. I mean … he cheated. Does being gay make that less of a dick move?
I worried that dad was going to sour mom toward all gay people forever, but she’s really thrown herself into girlifying all of my things. It’s been a lot of fun.
Wait, I just called myself gay. Am I? I definitely like boys, but now I know I’m a girl so … maybe I’ve been straight this whole time. Hahaha, what a funny thought.
Dear Diary,
Damon says if I want to be a man I have to stop keeping a diary, or at least calling it a diary. It should be a ‘record’ or a ‘journal.’
I think he’s an idiot.
He noticed the missing clothes and came to find me. He made fun of me at first, telling me I was too old to be playing dress up. He stole the hat from me and my hair tumbled down around my face -- it felt like a cage. I don’t know if it was the shock of being discovered, the frustration at Damon’s antics, or the fear of what he’d do if he learned the real reason I’d stolen his clothes, but tears sprung to my eyes. I hate how easily I cry.
Thankfully, Damon was in a decent mood, so rather than mock me he became gentle, setting my hair aright and asking what was wrong. I couldn’t think of a lie so the truth came out of my mouth. I told him my name. I had hoped to keep it a secret between Katherine and I but Damon has a way of getting me to trust him, even when I don’t want to.
It might not have been a mistake this time. He seemed confused, but his first thought was simply how upset father would be if he knew, and how best to keep this from him, without forcing me to wear dresses and learn needlepoint. Damon promised to teach me rugby, and other games that boys learn when they’re young.
He said he likes the thought of having a younger brother.
I didn’t dare to hope he would ever see me that way. A brother.
Dear Diary,
Today was the first day back at school since summer break. The first day since I transitioned. It’s been a few months, and my hair has grown out, and I got really good at makeup, so I think some people genuinely didn’t recognize me. I don’t know if that’s lonely or affirming.
One person definitely recognized me. I was scared she might say something transphobic, or call me by my deadname, or cause some other terrible thing to happen. My head was full of anxieties, worse than normal, all the potential ways my first day could turn into a disaster. I almost didn’t go. I plead with my mom to let me switch schools, or move away, or anything to start fresh. But mom is really attached to Mystic Falls, so I ended up braving my old classmates.
Anyway, it turned out not to be a disaster, thanks to Elena Gilbert. We’ve known each other forever and she’s always been really nice to me, but today she invited me to come sit with her and Bonnie at lunch. Both of them acted totally normal, as if I had always been ‘Caroline,’ as if we had always complimented each other’s make-up and giggled over cute boys. As if my whole life hadn’t changed over the summer.
I think I may have upgraded from “friend,” to “best friend.” Not that I would ever usurp Bonnie but … that title can be held by two people, can’t it? Maybe this is one of those social “girl rules” I still need to learn. I seem to struggle with social rules in general, regardless of gender, so …
Wish me luck!
Dear Diary,
Katherine says that becoming a vampire would change me. Change my body.
She says that vampires heal quickly, and she demonstrated, by biting her own wrist and showing me as the dark red puncture marks closed up within seconds. She said that anything your body senses is wrong will be healed by the magic of vampirism. And that if my body feels wrong, being a vampire will fix it. Will make me a proper man.
The notion terrifies and excites me. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t know how it can be true. But until recently I didn’t know that magic was real, or that blood-sucking immortals truly existed. If vampirism can save you from death and age, perhaps it can also save me from this? My own body.
I want to be with Katherine. My desire for her grows everyday, and is only damped by my confusion surrounding her relationship with Damon. She tells me not to worry but I’ve seen the way he looks at her.
But why would she offer me this gift if she does not want to spend eternity with me?
Eternity.
It sounds awfully long. But isn’t that all the better? To be young and in love with Katherine forever. And to truly feel like myself? To rid myself of parts of my body that make me feel trapped?
I must say yes. She said she would let me know when the time came to run. I will be ready for her.
Dear Diary
There’s a new boy at school, his name is Stefan ---
“Woah hey, hold up!” Caroline objected, snatching her diary away from Stefan, who laughed, “you skipped ahead! By like, two years!”
He smirked at her, not bothering to pretend it was an accident. “I mean,” he said, “you’re going to have to skip around mine a bit, there are … quite a few more,” he nodded toward the stack of journals that sat beside Caroline.
“Well, I wasn’t going to read all of it,” Caroline said, “we are sharing transition stories. So. End of your transition, end of the reading session. And I don’t see how your first day at Mystic Falls High has anything to do with my transition,” she gave him a playful glare.
“My transition sort of coincided with my vampire transition,” Stefan pointed out, “and, me coming into your life was the first step to you becoming a vampire so … related.”
Caroline raised an eyebrow, “that’s a stretch and you know it,” she said, fighting a smile. “You just wanna tease me about how pathetic I was when we first met.”
Stefan put a hand to his heart, mouth agape, “I would never!” he protested.
“Or maybe,” Caroline said, throwing aside Stefan’s journal, and moving toward him on the couch, “you just didn’t want me to read the entry where you became a vampire and grew a 10 inch schlong,”
Stefan’s thick eyebrows shot up to his hairline and amusement crinkled his eyes, “Schlong?” he repeated, then he dialed back, waving his hand in a half-hearted attempt to keep her on her side of the couch, “wait -- 10 -- that’s … very generous, but--”
“Stefan Salvatore, are you blushing?” Caroline asked, triumphant. He’d tried to embarrass her but she’d one-upped him this time. She was right up against him now, she tucked her knees under her and gave Stefan an appraising look.
Stefan shook his head, still stuck in a mixture of shock and laughter, “No, I just don’t think I’ve ever heard you use that word,” he insisted, “caught me by surprise.”
“Well, what do you want me to call it?” Caroline asked innocently. “Have you named it?” she followed up with a conspiratorial whisper.
Stefan’s laughter could no longer be contained, and as he sputtered, searching for a response, Caroline put her hands on the arm rest behind him, one on either side of his head, sitting up on her knees so she could loom over him. She caught his gaze and he caught his breath, although the amusement didn't leave his eyes.
“Are we looming now?” he asked, teasing.
“Oh just shut up and kiss me,” she said.
And he did. Slowly at first, leaning up to catch her lips on his. Then his arms were around her, and suddenly the couch had left them, and she was up against the wall, Stefan pressed against her, his tongue running along her teeth, her hands in his hair. It was hard to equate the young boy they’d been reading about with the man in front of her -- hard to imagine Stefan in a dress for one thing. But more than that, the boy in the diary was so innocent -- certain about all the wrong things, yet lacking the confidence she could feel coursing through Stefan’s veins, in his kiss. He knew who he was, the same as she did. She pushed back against him with her augmented strength, almost flying to the other side of the room, toppling an end table as they did so.
The child in her own diaries was as much a stranger to her as the one in his. The memories felt so distant, as if someone else had lived that life. She couldn’t imagine her body feeling anything but powerful, beautiful, and perfect. And hers.
She shivered as Stefan moved his hands beneath her shirt, running his palms along her spine, fingernails scraping her shoulder blades. She kissed him again, almost desperate, and somehow the two of them made their way up the stairs to his bedroom, where they reveled in each other’s perfect bodies together. So far from who they once thought they’d be. So perfectly fitting who they now were.