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“Man, this sucks!” said Kyle over the phone.
“Tell me about it.”
Maybe it was cliché, but clichés had to exist for a reason after all: adults just didn’t understand. Their principal shut down their school’s horror club, and for what? Watching horror movies didn’t make you violent, it was a myth! And he hadn’t listened to Michael protests, of course.
“Maybe we can pass a petition around school?” suggested Kyle.
Michael leaned back in his chair dramatically, even if his friend couldn’t see “Won’t work… we don’t have that many club members anyway.”
He played with a rows of teeth shaped toy on his desk, mourning that dumb club. It was a stupid thing to regret, as it hadn’t even been popular. Other teens sometimes passed by, watched half a movie or maybe two, then never came back. Kyle and him were the only ones proposing movies or trying to start a discussion on them. Okay, yeah, what they usually watched wasn’t that big brained, but it was still fun! You could at least discuss special effects, camera angles, and stuff…
“Man…” huffed Kyle “this whole thing is so dumb! Looking at us like we’re future serial killers!”
Michael just hummed, feeling tired.
They could always just watch stuff together, like before the club. His dad was rarely home anyway, so he didn’t even have to ask for permission. And Kyle, well. He knew how to sneak out if need be.
But. It had been weird, lately.
Just for Michael, it seemed. Whatever the hell was wrong with him. Maybe he had hit his head in that car accident when he was a kid, on top of ruining his knee… that would explain a lot of things. Why he was so fucked up.
Because it wasn’t normal how he couldn’t stay calm when Kyle slept over. And sure, part of it could be blamed on puberty, your body getting too sensitive and boners happening at random times. It’s not like he was horny monster, always hard, slobbering on pin up magazines, making everyone around him uncomfortable!
And he wasn’t even into guys.
Michael was pretty sure.
After all, he had a crush on the girl next door. His and her windows were placed just right to give him a nice view when she changed. Kyle called him creepy for that, and often joked that he would call the police on him, but he would ogle anyway. That’s what he was: a peeper. And no, he wasn’t proud of it. Specially when he filmed her. But there was something calming, less alarming, to watching these videos, instead of looking at her in real time. A camera in between them. Distance.
He could almost lie to himself with it. Pretend he was a director, shooting a movie. Not a dirty one, it just had one or two undressing scenes in it… nothing wild, nothing creepy.
Watching her unlock her bra was interesting. Her arms in her back, struggling to remove it. She watched herself in the mirror sometimes, doing so. Michael didn’t really get it, why she looked, how she looked. He had tried doing the same. Slowly undressing in his bathroom. But he had been too embarrassed, almost humiliated. Had not found his body pretty or manly enough. Another thing to blame on puberty.
He wondered if she liked her body. He sure did.
That’s why he couldn’t be gay. He had proof: girls did it for him.
So his feelings for Kyle, or whatever it was, could only be a fluke. He was just confused. And maybe it was normal, at their age, to be confused. He didn’t really know, had no one he could ask this to. Because the only person he could openly talk to was Kyle, and there was just no way he would confess to that.
No way he would ever tell him that when he stayed over and fell asleep first, his position was a mess, which made Michael laugh. And because of that, his shirt had pulled up, showing a lot of his stomach, a nipple poking through from under the fabric. And Michael had stared, for a bit too long.
They were the same age, the same gender, both going through puberty at the same time. So it wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. How Michael could barely look at himself, had to close his eyes in shame, and do whatever to distract himself from his self esteem plummeting. But Kyle.
Kyle’s body was beautiful. So much he had wanted to touch him. Just to see. Just to know. What his skin would feel like.
And he was a heavy sleeper, so it would be alright, right?
His hair was splayed over the pillow, an arm over it. He had looked like a painting, with his eyes closed, and mouth half open.
Michael didn’t touch him. But he stared. For way too long not to feel guilty. And.
But it was just puberty. These things happened sometimes.
It would have been nice, if it had only happened once. Instead he had many shameful wanks. And calling each other after school wasn’t a simple pleasure anymore. They talked about whatever, Kyle supporting the conversation all by himself sometimes, so focused was Micheal on just listening to his voice. His laugh. His silence. His sighs.
No, you weren’t supposed to think about your best friend like that. No, you weren’t supposed to look forward to movies for his reactions instead of the experience of watching it yourself. No, you weren’t supposed to spend so much goddamn time on the phone. No, you weren’t supposed to have a picture of him on your wall. Him alone, not the two of you together.
That last one was the stupidest of them all. He had placed it on the side of his bed, so he could look at it when he couldn’t sleep. So he could…
Shame.
And every time Kyle came over Michael had to remember it was still here and had to rush to take it down without looking suspicious. That picture was admitting his crime.
“We never even finished the movie, too!” Kyle went on “There’s just something about those black and white ones, right?”
“Yeah,” agreed Michael “it’s cool to see the limitations they had and how they worked around it.”
“Everyone looks weirdly photogenic too, like aliens trying to pass as humans.”
Michael laughed. His friend had the most random ideas, but he could see what he meant, sorta. He had tried to convince him to write stories before, but Kyle always brushed that aside. Not talented enough, he’d say. Bullshit.
“Holy shit, dude… I really don’t want to do homework right now.” he complained.
“Do you ever?” asked Michael.
“Does anyone?!”
“Fair.”
It was Kyle’s turn to laugh. And this noise was the guy’s best quality. It was just so loud, and honest, and communicative. His voice was nice in general, but this beat everything else. Michael closed his eyes to imagine his face right this moment.
Kyle was so much cooler than him, if it wasn’t for their shared interested in horror, he doubt they would have became friends. Because, what the hell? Kyle could do so much better, yet still chose to spent time with him. Wild!
The guy was just… everything Michael wasn’t. And maybe that was why he had this strange obsession with him? After all, Kyle was self assured, bold, not exactly looking to make friends, but able to easily enough. That big smile so often plastered on his face must be a big help. Jokes came to him like there was nothing more natural. A professional liar too, getting out of stinky situations with a wink. He was all that.
And his best friend.
And an actor in Michael’s sexual fantasies.
It was the fault of his hair, that he refused to tie up. That he played with a bit too much, the gesture distracting. It was the fault of his adam’s apple, a bit too protruding, a bit too adult. Being showcased when he lied down on Michael’s bed. It was the fault of his fingers, long and thin. And how Michael had made the mistake of wondering how they would feel around him. It was the fault of the happy trail, of the few centimeters he had over Michael, of the way he stretched, of the way he stroke his chin, of the peps in his walk, of how excited he would get in sharing something cool he found out…
Kyle was too much for him to handle. All he could do was keep him at a distance. As best as he could, without making it look weird. That was why the club was so important: school was neutral ground. They weren’t alone watching a movie. There was no risk, nothing that could be used in his dreams.
Another voice was heard, muffled but loud. Kyle yelled back at it. After a while he turned back to Michael.
“Anyway, gotta go, my mom’s on my back for some shit. Talk to you later?”
“Hmhm.”
“Buddies forever?”
“Buddies forever.” repeated Michael.
The call ended.
They will be nothing but friends, best friends, and Michael had to get over this… crush. So as to not ruin things between them.
Because he wanted it to last forever, this relationship. He was aware that the two of them making this their catchphrase was embarrassing, specially at their age. But hearing him also assuaged his worries. Everything will be fine, as long as Kyle said those words.
Everything will be fine. One day he’ll stop being weird. One day he’ll tear this picture for good, and forget this period of his life.
One day.