Chapter Text
HiMERU finds his fondness of his unit mate, Niki Shiina, odd. Shiina was certainly likeable, friendly, and easy to talk to, it’s obvious why many others like him as well. So when a tuft of gray hair in the corner of his eye catches him off guard, and when a mischievous voice that calls out his name leaves him restless, he’s left to ponder about it.
He’s realized it, he just doesn’t have the heart to acknowledge it. He refuses to even think about it. If HiMERU chooses to dabble in trivial things such as this, he’ll find more and more obstacles in his way of becoming a perfect idol.
Love is a strong word. He prefers the term “affection”.
But where does HiMERU even begin with “love”? The word leaves an unfamiliar taste in his mouth. He loves, but loving is where the uncertainty begins. No, he brushed the thought off. It was ludicrous to think that. Love in this case might not even be applicable. Not when the thought of Shiina sends anxiety running down his arms and legs and creates a swirl in his stomach he can’t describe. If anything, he made HiMERU feel uneasy.
HiMERU shuts his light off. So much for “not caring to even acknowledge it”. He entertained the thought for a little too long and now it seems it’ll linger in his mind much longer than he’d want. He was always careful to keep his mind occupied with something else other than Shiina, and he even started to listen to music at night to distract himself before he goes to bed. It seems the music wasn’t helping much for this night. He was fairly irritated at this point. HiMERU was restless and most of all, tired. He really did not want to be dealing with these insolent thoughts.
But then again, on this particular night, the anxiety was washed out by some displaced optimism. Perhaps indulging in it does no harm, does it? Was it really that bad? Could he really be as selfish as he is right now? HiMERU realized these forming thoughts meant that he’d recognize his feelings of admiration for Shiina but… it felt nice. No longer holding on to the thought that it would be inherently bad and selfish for HiMERU to feel like this, and that it wouldn’t work out is the only ending to it, it feels like weights are being lifted from his chest to finally let him breathe.
HiMERU knew that things pushing away only meant they’d come back with as much force as he placed in it, so he hesitantly decided he’d leave these feelings be, and trudge lightly around it.
He fell asleep a few moments later, like he was drifting off into a kind place where love was abundant. In that dream, someone accompanied him to that place. The image of someone he knew stayed stagnant, they didn't make any sudden movements, and they always stayed by his side while he drifted. Though he couldn't make out their face or tell any distinguishing features about them, he’d never felt so encompassed with such warmth.
They say dreams bring out feelings from the subconscious. They show you thoughts from the deepest parts of the mind of which you’d never even think about. HiMERU never believed in such things.