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It wasn’t really him.
The Masaya that he saw earlier today was not him.
Fengfan rolled over and sighed into his pillow. He should be sleeping because they were heading to Yokohama for filming first thing in the morning, but his thoughts betrayed his physical exhaustion.
Although Taji took him out for dinner to clear his head about what went down during their filming of the most recent INI Folder episode, he couldn’t move past the deep ache in his chest. Was it disappointment? If it was, he wasn’t sure if it was toward Masaya or himself.
His feelings toward Masaya was like trying to corral hundreds of sheep. They ran wild, never wanting to be tamed. Nevertheless, they were a precious part of him that just needed to be disciplined. He had just started to believe that he was over Masaya as he indulged in the idea of loving others in recent times. However, perhaps it wasn't the act of moving on, and moreso a process accepting what was impossible, allowing the butterflies in him to fall dormant.
It was a rude awakening that dormancy did not mean death, as years of hard work came crashing down in less than a minute— in front of the cameras no less.
Fengfan groaned and pushed his face further into his pillow, once again playing back what happened earlier that day.
At first, the filming went as normal. Well, as normal you could get featuring a professional hypnotist who made you believe that an extremely sour lemon tasted like mikan. Watching Takumi get flustered around Kyosuke because he was under hypnosis was definitely entertaining as well. Even Takumi himself couldn't understand why he was feeling a certain way for his long-time friend and bandmate. Though much to his relief, he was able to return to his usual self after being snapped out of it.
When the hypnotist came up behind him thereafter, he was mentally preparing for what he had to do under his guise. To Fengfan’s surprise, he was in fact not the target of his ministrations, and it was Masaya who went lax next to him.
That was when Fengfan’s blood turned to ice. Though he did a good job at pretending he wasn’t terrified for his life, he was praying to every higher being he read about in textbooks that Masaya wasn’t going to be put under the same hypnosis as Takumi.
Fengfan wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Not after he had ruthlessly convinced himself that Masaya only saw him as a good friend.
He noticed the way Hiroto started to look visibly nervous as he also silently understood what was to come. At that moment, he was grateful for Hiroto and his ability to read the room. Hiroto and Taji were the only members that he confided in about his predicament, thus he watched Fengfan with a critical eye. On the other hand, though it was in good humor, he did his best to ignore the way Yudai and Rihito were failing at containing their excitement.
It was not a secret that Fengfan liked Masaya.
Hell, even some fans have caught on that there was something different about their chemistry that the company eventually stopped putting him and Masaya alone together during filming in order to diffuse any speculation. It seemed to have worked as many fans have since then moved on to different chemistries within the group.
“The person next to me has such a sad face, I really like him. The way he laughs shyly is my favorite thing. I can’t help but to love him when I count to three,” The hypnotist said, touching the shoulders of an unconscious Masaya.
It’s not real, Fengfan told himself.
The hypnotist ordered Masaya to wake up, and he did as he was told. The boy next to him slowly woke up and turned to look at Fengfan. Masaya’s gaze was burning his cheeks and ears as Fengfan chose to focus on the water bottles placed in the corner of the room for their filming breaks instead.
It’s not real.
“Who likes who?” Kyosuke joked.
The other members bursted out into laughter at his comment because in all honesty it had some truth to it. Fengfan shifted his gaze to his shoes, no longer knowing where to avert his eyes. He hoped the hypnotist was also not a professional mind reader too.
“Hey, you should try to look at him,” The hypnotist patted his back in encouragement. Feeling how tense Fengfan was, he implored him once more, “Look at him.”
It’s not real.
Fengfan slowly brought his eyes up to Masaya.
The butterflies paraded around his chest and lungs, making it difficult to breathe as he tried to swallow the large lump forming in his throat.
Why does this feel real?
He didn’t know how long they were staring at each other for but Fengfan never wanted to leave this moment. The way Masaya looked at him with hooded eyes and a playful smirk, only seeing him.
Despite Rihito falling to the floor in elation and the others laughing and jeering, he couldn’t feel angry or annoyed at how obvious they were in front of the camera crew. It didn’t matter that Kyosuke was trying to ask Masaya what he was feeling or that Takumi was still trying to figure out if Fengfan was truly the one under a spell.
The hypnotist took it one step further, “You should hold hands, it’ll feel really nice.”
Masaya held out his hand, to which Fengfan took with his right and placed it over his lap.
“Ah, wait,” He swapped his hands so that Masaya could comfortably hold his left hand instead. Fengfan snapped the image of their connected hands in his head, knowing that this would not be memorialized in any other capacity than a silly Youtube video that would be uploaded the following week.
He noted that Masaya’s hand wasn’t that much bigger than his, therefore they fit nicely together. Suddenly, his heart rate spiked as he felt the other boy’s thumb rub circles on his skin while he laughed softly. Fengfan looked at Masaya in wonder, who was beaming at him so brightly it looked painful.
It became more apparent in this moment that Masaya was someone who loved quietly. He was always so gentle with Fengfan. Others saw him as the older brother, or Masa-nii as Jin likes to shout, who they can tease and chat loudly with. Yet with him, he adjusted his atmosphere to match the introversion of Fengfan.
“My heart is racing,” Masaya squeezed his hand tighter. He clutched his chest as if his heart was going to beat out it. Leaning closely to Fengfan’s shoulder he added,“But yknow, my chest…. It hurts so much.”
If he wasn’t so flustered, he would’ve laughed. That was how he felt towards Masaya for years now. It was self-inflicting really. He could have avoided Masaya during breaks or declined his offer to spend time together. Alas, the thought of not being around him was too much to bear, thus they often went to meals and outings together.
Much to Fengfan’s relief and disappointment, the hypnotist released Masaya from his trance and moved on to his next target. Almost as if nothing happened, Masaya let go of his hand and returned to his own personal bubble.
Though everyone’s attention swiftly turned to the red-headed Hiroto who was expressing his undying love to all his members (to the feign disgust of said members), Fengfan could still feel the lingering warmth of Masaya’s hands ghosting his skin.
Fengfan sighed and shoved his blanket over his eyes as he once again relived those memories.
“That was the hypnosis talking, don’t get so caught up in it,” Fengfan reminded himself. How was he going to face Masaya in less than 24 hours when the group gathers for their morning commute?
He continued to stew in his seemingly never ending thoughts, when his phone suddenly rang with a notification. Assuming it was either Hiroto or Taji checking up on him, he rubbed his eyes and gave himself some time to adjust to the brightness of his screen.
Kimura Masaya
10:57PM
“Hey”
“R u awake?”
Fengfan sat up at a spine breaking speed.
Why was Masaya texting him at this hour?
His thumb hovered over the empty text box, racking his brain on how to respond. He could just pretend that he was asleep so that he wouldn’t have to face him until tomorrow. Was that what he really wanted to do though?
After reading his message ten times over, Fengfan finally typed out a response.
11:06PM
“I am. Is everything okay?”
Kimura Masaya
11:06PM
“Would I be able to come over to yours? Sorry, ik its late.”
Fengfan’s heart dropped to the lowest pits of his stomach, expecting the worst to come out of the conversation that was most likely to follow. He could already imagine Masaya confronting him about their shared moment and making it clear that there was nothing between them.
He was doing so well.
Fengfan has done his best to move past his feelings.
Why now? Why did it have to be in this way?
11:11PM
“Okay.”
“Just knock when you’re here.”
When no message came from the other boy, Fengfan didn’t know if he wanted to cry or scream. Honestly, a mix of both would have sufficed.
He stared at the wall in front of him, detailing every inch of drywall and flecks of moonlight scattered amongst its peaks. A couple weeks ago, Masaya insisted that he help Fengfan clean his room. The combination of low spirits and visa renewal trouble equated to a neglected living space. They spent the whole day cleaning and finding homes for all of the items lying around their surrounding surfaces. Once they were done tidying up, he opened up about his troubles to Masaya at the small coffee table in his room. It was his favorite part of Fengfan’s dorm, mostly because he liked to brag to Taji he was the first person to sit there.
After a few beats of silence, he stiffened at the faint sound of footsteps outside his door. He peeped at his entry way from his bedroom and saw the shadow of two feet standing outside. As instructed, there were two soft knocks on his wooden door that followed. Knowing Masaya couldn’t stand outside forever, Fengfan slowly got out of his bed and walked over to his fate. After taking a deep breath, he unlocked his door to welcome his fellow bandmate.
Opening the door, he got a better look at Masaya, who wasn’t wearing his usual grin.
“Hi.”
“Hey.”
Masaya shifted the weight from one leg to another, “Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
He opened the door wider to let the other boy in and closed it behind them as Masaya slipped off his outdoor footwear, placing them neatly on the rack next to Fengfan’s sneakers. He switched into a guest pair of slippers that Fengfan usually kept at the bottom of the rack.
Fengfan led the way to their usual spot near the small coffee table and sat next to one another. It was a clear sky that night, giving the illusion that the moon was more fluorescent than normal. Masaya’s masculine, yet soft features were accentuated by the natural light shining through the curtains.
“Can I get you something to drink?” Fengfan offered.
Masaya shook his head, “I’m fine, thanks though.”
“You sure? You still have your leftover cider in my fridge from last time,” Fengfan replied. “It’ll go flat by tomorrow.”
Masaya chuckled, “It’s okay, Fen. I’ll take it on my way out so you can have more space in your fridge.”
“Alright, I’ll be sure to remind you before you go.”
They fell in silence watching as the single cloud moved slowly across the vast expansion of sky. During one of their talks, Fengfan found out that Masaya was a spiritual person and believed in everything from tarot readings to manifestation, even being convinced that the earth was flat (though that was more of a conspiracy theory he liked to pick Fengfan’s brain about every so often).
“Hey so, about earlier, during INI folder filming?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I say something about what happened?”
He took Fengfan’s silence as a nudge to continue.
“I felt… happy. Being with you at that time. I mean- I always enjoy spending time with you and also I'm sorry we haven’t had a meal together in a while, but,” Masaya sighed in exasperation. “Ugh, sorry I don’t even know how to say this to you.”
Fengfan was both confused and concerned about Masaya’s abrupt blundering. What in the world was he trying to say?
“Is it okay if I hold your hand again?”
Fengfan blinked.
Huh?
When no laughter ensued, he realized that the other boy was being serious, Fengfan felt his face heat up all over again.
“There’s something I want to understand,” Masaya said, in a much gentler tone. “Only if you feel comfortable.”
“No, no it’s fine,” Fengfan quickly replied and held out his hand.
Masaya paused for a moment as if to say are you sure this is okay with you?
Understanding his non-verbal cues, Fengfan rested his hand on Masaya’s knee with his palm facing up in invitation.
Masaya looked to Fengfan one last time for permission before placing his hand over Fengfan’s, just like he did earlier that day, and carefully curled his fingers around the other boy’s.
Fengfan prayed he couldn’t feel his pulse beating hurriedly through his fingers. Though it was such a small act of affection, it made his entire body run wild with sparks. It didn’t help that there wasn’t a camera crew or obviously entertained bandmates who could diffuse the atmosphere.
It was just Masaya and Fengfan, holding hands while sitting on the floor of his bedroom. Only the sound of their steady breaths and the curtain flowing with the gusts of the wind filled the space.
“You looked so scared back then, and even now…” Masaya said, softly. “Is it because of me?”
Fengfan gulped, “it’s not that…”
Masaya’s shoulders visibly relaxed at Fengfan’s reassurance. Though it was the partial truth, he couldn’t explain the true reason why he felt so afraid then.
“I was worried about you,” Masaya looked at where their hands were connected, then back at Fengfan. “Sorry we haven’t had meals together recently. Last year, we went out quite a bit didn’t we? I honestly looked forward to it every month.”
“Me too.”
“Yeah?”
Fengfan quietly nodded, trying not to make any noise as Masaya began to rub soft circles with his thumb.
“When I travel for filming, I think to myself ‘ah, I should take Fengfan here’. So I’ve been keeping track of places to go with you on our next off day. Even though Jin bugs me about treating him to a meal, I eat elsewhere with him because I want to experience it with you first.”
Fengfan couldn’t help but chuckle at the image that popped into his head. Jin excitedly asking his big brother Masaya to treat him to a meal because he did well at practice. Of course, Masaya being him, gives into Jin anyways. Fengfan was an only child so seeing how Masaya loved to spoil their fellow members made his feelings grow even greater overtime.
“You don’t have to wait for me, I’m sure Jin pouts when you choose a different place.”
“He does, but it goes away once he fills his stomach.” Masaya leaned back on the bed behind them and rolled his head to look at Fengfan with a serious expression. “But you know, when you’re with Taji and the others you seem more relaxed. Is there something I can do to make you feel more comfortable when we’re together?”
Ah.
Maybe he wasn’t as subtle as he thought.
Fengfan cleared his throat and bluffed, “You can just be yourself, Masaya.”
Masaya laughed softly and closed his eyes as if he was imagining something, “I try to. But when it’s just us like this, it’s hard for me to stay calm.”
Fengfan felt his ears heat up, what did he mean by that? After countless hangouts with him, he’s learned that Masaya was a master at being cryptic with his words.
“Stay calm?” Fengfan asked.
Masaya halted his ministrations on the other boys hand. Fengfan looked at him in question and almost jolted in surprise as Masaya brought his hand against his beating heart.
“Even now, I can’t stay calm. My heart is going crazy… see?”
Fengfan lowered his gaze in order to hold onto any last remaining resolve in his body. If he spared the other boy one glance, he’d lose all self control and tell him his true feelings right there.
Even after all these years, Masaya was an enigma— you never know what he is going to say or do next. The anxiety he felt around the other boy was a result of gestures or words that maybe, just maybe there was something mutual.
“I thought I did a good job at hiding it,” Masaya continued. Though he couldn’t see the expression on Masaya’s face, he could tell from the way his breaths came and fell with a quiver that there was a different sort of nervousness. “I tried to tell myself that what I felt for you back then was because of whatever he told me during the hypnosis. But you know, I did some research as soon as we got home and found out that hypnosis can also bring out things hidden in your subconscious too. Stuff that you bury deep down. So that's why I came here, to confirm something.”
Fengfan gulped at the thought of what that “something” was. A small part of him that held onto hope, that liked to steal glances of Masaya when he wasn’t looking, was making the butterflies in his chest stir. Fengfan considered himself to be a realist. Not a pessimist per say, just a person who looked at fact and evidence.
Even so, there was an irrational element in the way he loved.
Fast. Lingering. Nostalgic.
A small voice in his head that said—
“Fengfan? Look at me, please.”
Fengfan drew in a deep breath, and did as he was told.
Masaya was so pretty.
He hated that there was almost a sad look at his face. If they weren’t just friends, he would have cradled his cheek softly, making sure he could never make that face around him again.
“I don’t want you to think that I only acted like that because I was in some kind trance. Sitting here, holding your hand like this, my heart hurts so much. But this is not the first time I’ve felt this. Ever since I met you on set during the audition program, I was so drawn to you. After debut. During countless album releases and filming. I could never explain how I felt so different with you,” He removed Fengfan’s hand from his chest and quietly intertwined their fingers. “I like you, Fengfan.”
Fengfan's eyes widened to the size of the full moon watching them from above. Time stopped in that split second— hands on the analog clock on his plain wall sat silently in awe. Nothing would have ever prepared him for the confession that just escaped Masaya's lips.
A rush of memories came back to Fengfan that suddenly made so much more sense. Hands that slightly brushed his during practice. A strong, broad shoulder that invited him to rest on good days and on bad days. Suggesting that they get matching headbands at Disney and a small blush that creeped up when Fengfan tried on what Masaya chose for him. Feeling eyes on him rather than the screen when they watched a movie during their overnight stay in Hakone.
Masaya had been waiting for him patiently this whole time.
“I like you,” Masaya repeated, with a little less confidence this time. He was the type to care too much about what others thought of him. Making a confession like this was probably the last thing he could imagine himself doing. As happy-go-lucky and reliable he seemed, Fengfan saw parts that never saw the light of day.
Fengfan could just read the thoughts racing through the other boy’s head.
Should I have said that?
Do you like me too?
I’m sorry.
Fengfan shifted closer to Masaya and simply rested his head on the other boy’s shoulder. He smelled of soap, sweat, and lingering woody cologne. It was the winter time, and he had since then switched to his seasonal fragrance. A habit that he picked up from Fengfan. The realization made his chest tight.
Perhaps he was feeling the same way as Fengfan this whole time.
Fearful.
Fear of being caught, fear of being wrong, and fear of ruining what they had.
The thought of Masaya going through the same pain as him made a tear form ever so slightly in the corner of his eye.
“Fengfan…?”
“Just hold me, please,” Fengfan finally said, quietly. His whole body was void of energy, not able to do anything but lie against Masaya's sturdy build. Masaya liked him. Not as a fellow bandmate. Nor as a good friend. But in the same way Fengfan had all this time. Processing that over and over again in his head made him feel physically exhausted.
Masaya let go of his hand so that he could wrap one around Fengfan’s waist and the other softly on the back of his head, pulling him closer. Their breaths synced together in the cold, winter night speaking to each other soley in rising chests and small puffs of air. Masaya hesitantly stroked the back of Fengfan’s head, earning a small noise from him. Taking that as a signal to continue, he carded his fingers through Fengfan’s light brown hair.
Though they had never gotten this intimate with each other before, it felt so natural to Fengfan. During their sleepover in Hakone, they laid side by side while watching a movie on Fengfan’s small iPhone, yet they still kept a breadth of distance between them.
Fengfan turned his head so that he could nestle his face into Masaya’s neck this time, getting as close as was physically possible. They were nearly the same height but Fengfan was on the leaner side, compared to Masaya’s broad shoulder to waist ratio. It made it easy for him to melt into his embrace.
“I like you too, Masaya. I always had,” Fengfan whispered into Masaya’s neck. The words that came out of his mouth were only for him to hear. “I like you so, so much.”
He felt Masaya’s entire body freeze against him, hand pausing on the back of his head. Fengfan no longer wanted to run away. Even if the intimacy between them would forever be held in this moment, and they would go back to their usual selves when the sun rose, Fengfan didn’t want to waste any minute of it.
Masaya slid his hand from the back of Fengfan’s head to instead cradle his cheek, lifting his face from the crook of his neck to gain a better look at him. There was a small shine in the older boy’s eye, an indication that he was crying too.
Fengfan searched Masaya’s face for any indication that he would pull away, and found nothing but adoration. He wondered what sort of expression he had on his own face, and a part of him was too embarrassed to find out.
Masaya used his thumb to wipe away a tear from his eye that he didn’t know was forming.
“Can I kiss you?”
Masaya really was too kind to him. Always catering to his needs. Making sure that he was doing okay.
Fengfan closed his eyes and nodded, heart thrumming painfully in his chest as he felt Masaya’s face come closer to his own.
The butterflies in his stomach danced around in spite of it being winter. They looped around his chest, making his heart skip a beat when Masaya’s lips finally met his. Everything he buried deep down to the darkest parts of himself sang, and light poured out of his body.
Masaya titled his head slightly, deepening their kiss, causing Fengfan to gasp. He wrapped his arms around the older boy’s neck, bringing him impossibly closer. His back was now against the side of the mattress, which made it difficult to move, though he wasn’t complaining.
His fingers trailed up Masaya’s neck leaving goosebumps in their wake, and buried them in his jet black hair. In a way, they were just like the night sky that hung above them. Fengfan, who sported bright, tan hair and Masaya who recently dyed his hair a midnight black. Two opposites who showed up for one another time and time again. For when the sun shines again and the sky turns blue like clockwork, there is a sense of yearning for night beneath it all.
"Masaya," Fengfan shivered. He imagined this moment in his head millions of times before and constantly beat himself up for thinking of something so delusional. Although he didn't seem like it, Fengfan was a romantic at his core. It was because of his dream to become an idol one day that he refrained from falling in love, despite being on the receiving end of confessions in college and at his part-time job. Who would've known that love was waiting for him on the other side.
Masaya finally parted from their kiss first, before it got too intense, and pressed his forehead against Fengfan. Their hot, rapid breaths mixed in the cool air of the room as they just took each other in.
“Where did Masaya go? He didn’t return my phone charger from earlier.”
Both of them stilled at the faint voice of Takumi coming from outside the hallway.
“Ha! That’s like the second time he did that to you, Takumi. Maybe you should've bought him an extra charger for christmas instead.”
“Aw man. Makki remind me to ask him about it in the morning.”
“Only if I remember,” Kyosuke joked.
“Hey!”
The sound of their slippers faded into the hallway as they walked past Fengfan’s room. Once it was clear that the pair was gone, Masaya and Fengfan turned to look at each other.
“Pfft!”
Masaya and Fengfan bursted into laughter, still holding each other close.
“You are so forgetful sometimes. Make sure you return Takumi’s charger because I swear that’s his only one.”
“I know, I know. I was just so anxious about coming over to yours earlier that I totally forgot he was supposed to pick it up from my room.”
“You’re such an idiot,” Fengfan reached out and embraced him properly this time. His smaller frame was comfortably enveloped in the older boy's, immediately dissipating any goosebumps from their lack of proximity a second ago.
“Yeah, yeah, okay” Masaya waved off, drawing circles in the small of his back. Fengfan could tell his characteristic smile was back on his face once again. That was the Masaya he knew.
Fengfan allowed himself to fully indulge in the warmth of his embrace. Masaya, who looked like the night sky, felt like the sun. Warm and bright. For tomorrow, they will go back to being professional bandmates and grab a meal with the others after filming per usual, unaware of the revelations that came the night before.
The feelings Fengfan held inside were no longer dormant, rather, they were alive and shared.