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Xia Fei had never been interested in Valentine's day. It was just another random day, only that people mindlessly blew their money on overpriced flowers and chocolates. He didn't have the luxury to do such frivolous things.
Not that he wanted to.
Or had anyone to give these flowers and chocolates to anyway.
He did, however, usually receive a good amount of said flowers and chocolates himself, and that in itself was enough to sour the day for him. He didn't want anyone's flowers, nor their chocolate. Nobody of these people really knew him. Really saw him. They saw his pretty face, even when he had still been trying to hide it behind unkempt hair and thick glasses, and that was all they ever cared about.
All, but him.
Xia Fei lowered his gaze, blinking to chase away the burning tears from his eyes.
His boss had cared. He had always seen beyond the pretty face, had never made him feel uncomfortable or given him unwanted attention.
He missed him. Missed him so badly, that every now and then he thought he saw that bright red hair from the corner of his eyes, felt his gaze from crimson eyes on him.
But of course, it was all just his imagination.
Half a year had passed since that dreadful day and everything was still all over the place. The model agency had gone on functioning, somewhat, but the atmosphere wasn't the same anymore. Well, not for him, at least.
Everyone had feigned sorrow and sadness, but they had all quickly moved on, tried to take advantage of the disarray and claim a spot at the top. Xia Fei had been the only one not fighting for a piece of that cake, and even if he had, there would've been no way for him to succeed in it. Now, that the boss was gone, there was nobody left to speak in his favour. Those that had been friendly before dropped their masks and mostly ignored him, and those that had already been unfriendly turned outright hostile.
Xia Fei didn't care. He had never really cared, had been used to it, and he wouldn't start caring now. The only reason it hurt now, was because he was gone and there was nothing left to balance out the hostility.
Xia Fei sighed, then smiled his best fake smile for the camera, all professional for the shooting, before dropping that smile again the moment he stepped away from the white backdrop.
Half a year gone by and he had made no progress. None whatsoever. And what made him the most angry about it was the fact that he should've expected it. He had no way of gathering information. The police wasn't going to tell him of all people anything, and he didn't have any contacts or influence on anyone who would have access to the information he needed.
Well. There was one, but he wasn't desperate enough for that route yet-
"Felix!"
Xia Fei turned around, surprised to hear a friendly voice. It was one of the light assistants, holding a box of chocolates in her hands.
"It's Valentine's day," she said, smiling. "And you said the other day how you liked these."
It surprised him that she remembered that offhand comment he had made. The corner of his mouth twitched a bit, a genuine smile in the making, when she opened her mouth again to say: "Now that the boss is gone, you can snack as many as you want of these!"
For a moment, there was unhidden anger flashing on his face, before he had his control back. "Thank you," he said, fake smile on his lips as he took them. "It's appreciated."
She smiled back at him before she turned around to go back to her job.
The chocolates flew into the next trashcan he passed by.
No, Xia Fei had never been interested in Valentine's day, but while he had mostly been indifferent towards it before, this year somehow hurt.
Maybe because it was the first year he actually missed someone by his side. Someone he didn't even have a relationship with, not a romantic one at least.
What they had had was... different. It certainly hadn't been the relationship between a boss and his employee. He wasn't really sure if it even could've been described as friendship. There had always been a certain distance between them, the remains of what used to be professionalism, that had restrained them from ever getting too close.
And if Xia Fei hadn't pushed against those carefully defined boundaries, maybe nothing would've ever come from it, because his boss had just been like that. Principled, insisting in what was the correct, the right way to handle things, yet wavering under Xia Fei's stubborn insistence.
Everyone thought they had been fucking since day one, but the truth was, it had only been once and only because Xia Fei had ignored all of his boss's attempts, though passive, to keep it from happening.
Neither of them regretted it, even though Xia Fei could see the doubts in his boss's eyes. The worries.
That had been the day when Xia Fei finally knew for sure that Vein cared. That he worried for their relationship to change, whatever that relationship really was.
That he cared for him.
Not the pretty face. Not the beautiful body.
He cared for Xia Fei.
It had been the last time he had pushed that boundary. Not because he didn't want to do it again - oh, how he wanted to do it again! - and neither because his boss didn't want to do it again - Xia Fei could see the want in his eyes, could see that something had changed in the way he looked at him.
But he was afraid of that want. Was afraid to lose what they had. Afraid to lose those crimson eyes looking at him and seeing him. Understanding him like no one else had so far.
These days, though, Xia Fei felt regret. Wished for another chance, another day to bask in his attention. Yearned for the hand that could be so rough to others, but so gentle to him - and him alone.
But there were no second chances. Not for him, not for them.
He entered the changing room and his eyes widened as he saw red. For a moment, reality was shifting in front of his eyes, and he waited for that shock of red hair to turn around, a toothy smile flashing at him, and that silky voice greeting him.
Felix!
But of course, none of that happened. The shock of red hair turned into a bouquet of red roses, standing in a vase on his table. It took all his strength to not shove it to the side, shattering the porcelain into a thousand shards like his heart had been shattering each day for half a year now.
But Xia Fei controlled his temper. Controlled the urge to lash out, and if only because he knew his boss would've scolded him for it.
He ignored the roses, never really liked them to begin with, changed into his own clothes, and left the building without telling anyone goodbye.
No, he really wasn't fond of Valentine's day.
He buried himself in a thick blanket once he reached his home, rolled up in bed, trying to shut out the thoughts that tried to tear him apart. Why couldn't he find anything on his death. Why would nobody help him? Believe him?
It was in the late afternoon, when a knock on the door made him raise his head. He rubbed his tired eyes and got out of bed, opened the door with curiosity and confusion. The latter only grew when he was greeted by a bouquet of sunflowers. "Huh...?"
Behind the flowers, a man was standing, face mostly hidden by a cap and big glasses - and the big bouquet through which he peeked at him. "Flower delivery," he said, holding them out for him to take.
Xia Fei didn't move, tired and confused, but sensing that something was up. "I didn't order flowers."
"Of course not. These are a present for you. It's Valentine's day!" The man's voice was dripping with amusement, and something about the sound of it angered Xia Fei.
"And I don't have a Valentine, so I don't want these flowers!" He was about to close the door on him, when the man pushed his foot against it. "Hey!"
"These were ordered in advance with explicit order to deliver them today," the man insisted, which didn't really help soothing Xia Fei's rising anger.
"Leave me alone, I don't want them!" With more force, he pushed the guy outside and slammed the door shut. "Give them to someone else, I don't care!" he shouted through the wood and leant against it. He didn't want flowers. Especially not-
Boss, look! The sunflowers are blooming!
Hmm, yes. They somehow remind me of you, Felix.
Of me? How so?
They always turn their face to the sun. Just like you. Always looking to the lights.
Hm. But they need the light to survive, so that's different.
And you don't?
Well, I need the money that comes from looking at the lights. And cameras, I guess.
Heh. Not exactly what I meant, but an amusing thought nevertheless.
Then what did you mean? Boss? Hey, don't just walk away! Boss!!
By now, tears were streaming down his face. No, he certainly didn't want a bouquet of sunflowers from anyone!
"I'll leave them here," the man said outside. "He said you'd like these chocolates and that you're allowed to snack today."
It took a few seconds for the words to sink in, and when they finally did, Xia Fei jumped back to his feet, turned around and ripped the door open again. The man was gone, but the bouquet and a box of his favourite chocolates were left on his doormat.
"Wait!" He ran after him, downstairs, but the delivery guy was gone. Xia Fei ran a hand through his hair. His voice had been familiar... somehow? But he would've recognised his voice between millions of other voices. He hadn't been tall enough either...
Beaten, he returned to his flat, picked up the flowers and box of chocolate, and brought both of them inside.They couldn't be from him. He was gone. And while Xia Fei wouldn't put it beyond him to schedule such a delivery up front, six months felt like it was a bit too much of a stretch.
And they hadn't been in a relationship anyway.
He carefully opened the box of chocolates and found a card in it. His eyes widened when he recognised the handwriting. Just like his voice, he'd recognise that everywhere!
Today is a special day, it read, so you're allowed to have a treat. Just don't eat them all at once. It's not good for your teeth.
"Boss... you can't do this to me," Xia Fei whispered, choking on tears, as he took a glance at the bouquet. There, too, was a small card, written in his handwriting.
Keep looking for the light.
How am I supposed to do this, Xia Fei thought, when my light is gone. He rubbed his eyes and took one of the chocolates. It was sweet and soft, melting on his tongue. He knew his boss wouldn't have liked these. Too sugary. And yet he would've tried one, had Xia Fei asked him to do so. He had always indulged in his requests. His needs. Had never asked what troubles he had brought upon himself again, just asked where to find him.
Xia Fei rubbed the tears from his eyes and got up, grabbed his coat and left the flat. He stopped by a flower shop, but while the woman in there was already telling him with an apologetic smile that they had run out of red roses, another flower caught his attention. He picked up the red and black dahlia and held it in his hand for a second or two, looking at the delicate petals and how the colours bled into each other.
"I'll take this one," he said, still holding the flower in his hands like a cherished treasure.
"A dahlia? That is a nice choice." The woman smiled at him. "They represent sentiments of gratitude for the kindness received or admiration for one's inner beauty. And you chose such a nice colour gradient, too. Red for passion, desire, and beauty, and black for enchantment and the unattainable. Really, a perfect flower to express the fiery intensity of heartfelt emotions."
Xia Fei tried to fake a smile, but it didn't work. He wasn't in the mood to pretend, so in the end, he just nodded and paid before he left, carrying the dahlia close to his chest to shield it from the rain. He now regretted not taking an umbrella, not for himself, but in fear the raindrops would inevitably damage the delicate flower.
He walked with fast steps that only got slower when he reached the cemetery. They came to a halt when he reached the tombstone that felt way too plain for the eccentric personality buried here.
"Hey, boss," Xia Fei said lowly, blinking away the blurriness of his gaze. "I got your flowers. For Valentine's day, huh? Didn't think you were into this kind of stuff, but... I guess there was a lot I still didn't know about you." Silence fell over him, every sound dampened by the increasing rain. "The chocolate was really good. I ate only one though! I... I know you didn't like it when I ate too much sugar."
He rubbed his eyes, sniffling lowly. "I brought you a flower, too. Only one though. Man, flowers are expensive, and you know I have to be a bit careful with my money. I, uh, I don't know if you like it, but... I thought of you when I saw it." He held the dahlia closer to his heart. "The woman in the shop said... that dahlias are for gratitude for the kindness received. And... and for admiration. And the unattainable..." With another stifled sob he lowered his gaze. "I guess it is... perfect then." Slowly, Xia Fei crouched down to carefully place the flower in the grave, almost gently caressing it as he pulled back his fingers.
"You know that I... admired you. Right?" His voice was low, barely audible through the pouring rain. "That I'm thankful for everything you did for me?" His eyes wandered over the grey stone, tracing the lines of his name, familiar, yet unknown. He mouthed it without a sound, like tasting the feel on his tongue, but he would always be boss for him.
"I know you said to look towards the light. To live a life without regret. But... I do have regrets. I regret not kissing you again after that night. You... you were so casual about it all. And yet you looked like- I don't know. As if you weren't sure where to go from there." Arms wrapped around his knees, Xia Fei buried his face into the damp fabric of his sleeves. "It felt... wrong. You know? Because for the first time, I wasn't sure if you were honest with me. If you... still saw me. And the thought that it all meant nothing for you... hurt."
That night had been filled with passion and desire, but his boss had taken it all so lightly. Had worn this just slightly amused smile the whole time, and Xia Fei had ignored it, had taken what Vein had been oh so willing to give him, and then had lain awake for hours, wondering if it had even mattered to his boss, or if it had just been flesh and pleasure to him.
Nothing had changed after that. His boss hadn't tried to initiate anything afterwards, hadn't tried to push their relationship anywhere further, nor distanced himself from him. Yet, Xia Fei had felt like he had looked at him differently that day, when they had met again at the agency. It wasn't the lust and desire he knew from other people, but it also wasn't the lack of it that he was used to from his boss. There had been something behind the crimson, lurking, waiting, but never pushing forward
But Xia Fei hadn't dared to find out what it was. Hadn't dared to push further, in fear of losing what he already had. And now, he deeply regretted that choice.
"Hm... I guess it doesn't matter anymore," he said, an exhausted laugh on his lips. "You're gone and I'll never find out what you really saw in me. Just like you'll never know what I saw in you..." He smiled. "Or maybe you knew all along. You saw through everyone else, too, after all..."
Suddenly, the rain stopped, and when he raised his head, he saw the rim of an umbrella. "Ah!" He jumped on his feet, stumbling back a few steps, and his face darkened as he saw the familiar smile under round glasses. "What do you want?"
Liu Xiao didn't show any offence to the open hostility he was met with. "Keeping you from catching a cold. Vein would have a word or two for your carelessness."
Xia Fei clenched his fists. "Well, if he wanted to go on scolding me, then he shouldn't have died!"
"Hm, yes, I guess." He was still smiling and it only made Xia Fei angrier. "Did you like your presents?"
"My-" Xia Fei faltered, caught in surprise, then anger. "Was it you?! Do you think that's funny??"
"Oh, no." Liu Xiao didn't even flinch when Xia Fei grabbed his collar. "Vein chose them himself. I just made sure they were delivered on time."
The delivery guy had sounded somewhat familiar, Xia Fei thought. But that couldn't be, right? Why would he...?
Probably to mess with you. He shook his head. It didn't matter. "Just leave me alone," he mumbled and pushed him out of the way.
"Don't you want to know what happened that day?" Liu Xiao asked. "You know that I can help you, don't you?"
Xia Fei stopped in his tracks, not turning around, but not moving further away either. "And what," he asked through gritted teeth, "is your price for that?" Everything had a price, after all.
"Always so distrusting." Liu Xiao chuckled. "Relax, Fei Fei. I just want to be friends with you."
Xia Fei didn't react, just stared into the rain. For a moment, he had thought to see a shock of red within the grey, but of course, he had been mistaken. It was gone the moment he had looked directly at it. He swallowed around the thick knot in his throat that tried to suffocate him. "Can you really help me?" His voice was hoarse, ripe with tears he refused to let fall.
"Of course. When have I ever lied to you?"
Who knows, he wanted to say, but kept that thought to himself. "I'll go home," he then said. "But maybe we can watch a movie together tomorrow."
"Sure~" He couldn't see Liu Xiao's smile, but he heard it.
"Okay. See you then." Hands buried in his soaked coat, Xia Fei walked away, back home, to eat some more of that sweet chocolate.
When he finally entered his flat, he was completely drenched from the rain. He peeled off his coat and let it fall to the ground with a wet sound, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling of his cold clothes sticking to his body.
From the corner of his eyes he could once again see that familiar shock of red hair. But this time, he didn't look, kept his gaze locked on the bright yellow flowers on the table, to give himself some more time with this illusion. If he didn't look directly at it, it wouldn't vanish, and he could pretend just a little longer that his boss was still around.
"Don't dare to scold me now," Xia Fei said into the silence of the room, as he opened the box of chocolates and shoved a piece into his mouth. It was sweet, yet bitter with the taste of salt on his lips. "You sent them to me and gave permission to eat them."
There was a low hum, the sound of amusement. "I gave permission to eat some of them."
Xia Fei's eyes widened, and for a moment he felt like the walls of his flat were moving in on him, about to crush him. Breathing felt difficult all of a sudden, and a growing feeling of dread was spreading through his chest as he slowly turned his head to the side.
The red didn't vanish. It didn't turn into a bouquet of red roses, didn't disappear in thin air, instead it manifested in its form - wild, unruly hair, a white, toothy smile under crimson eyes that looked at him with amusement, but also apologetically.
Xia Fei's body moved on his own, his legs carrying him through the room, throwing himself against that image of Vein. He fully expected his arms to wrap around nothing, his body to crash into the bed his boss was so nonchalantly sitting on, but when he felt the warmth under his hands, the softness of the fabric wrinkling under his tight grip, he couldn't help but cry and bury his face into that familiar shoulder.
It had to be a dream, right? He was dead. His ashes had been buried!
But this dream was the most realistic one he ever had. The scent that wrapped around him was the same as always, elegant and subtle, with a hint of that sweet tobacco.
"There, there." He felt the gentle voice vibrating through his chest, a sense of familiarity running through his body with the soft touch of his hand in his hair. "Stop crying, Felix."
But Xia Fei shook his head, not letting go of him. "I don't want to wake up again," he whispered, which resulted in another soft laugh coming from his boss.
"If this was a dream, your clothes would probably already be dry again. But instead, we're both drenched now."
With a jolt, Xia Fei pushed himself into a sitting position, looking down at his boss now. Water droplets were falling from his hair and cheeks, some of them tasting salty on his lips. His eyes roamed restlessly over that familiar face, taking in each and every detail, before trembling hands cupped his cheeks, unbelieving. "You're here," he said, his voice barely more than a breath. "How is that possible...?"
Vein just smiled up at him. "Is that really your most pressing question?"
For a moment, Xia Fei watched him silently, his heart beating harshly against his ribcage. Then he asked: "Will you leave me again?"
At that, Vein's smile got warm, and he raised his hands to put them over Xia Fei's trembling fingers. "Never again."
Relief washed over Xia Fei like a warm summer rain, sweeping away all his sorrow and regrets. "You really are back," he whispered, before leaning down to clash their lips together.
Vein didn't stop him, neither did he pull away. Instead, he wrapped his arms around him, holding him close, no thought wasted on how the soaking wet clothes drenched him, too.
Xia Fei had never cared for Valentine's day. But despite this, today was the best day of his life.