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She was dead. The news shouldn’t have shaken him like this, but there it was. Memories flashed across his mind. He was holding her, running for their lives across the docks while she bled all over his shirt. The sight of her perched in his window at the Slat. Her intoxicating laugh. She had touched his cheek once. He had held her hand, skin to skin. I will have you without armor, she had told him. But he hadn't been able to do it. He had tried; he had done the best he could. It wasn’t good enough and now he had missed his chance. He thought he’d have more time to try again.
He needed to punch something. Or someone.
“Boss?” said Anika, poking her blonde head into his office. The glare that greeted her was enough to make her duck back out the door with a mumbled, “Never mind.”
Kaz ran a hand through his hair. He had lost so much. Too much. This line of thought wasn’t going to get him anywhere. In one motion, he stood and grabbed his crow head cane. He crossed the room to his office door with uneven steps, not entirely sure where he was planning to go. He just couldn’t stay here.
Swinging the door wide, Kaz was brought up short by a tall, lanky frame standing in the hall. Gray eyes searched Kaz’s face and he knew Jesper had already heard. Kaz wasn’t ready for this conversation. He walked out the front door of the Slat into the gloomy mist of the street, his cane tapping out a quick rhythm.
Jesper followed, of course, his long stride catching up to Kaz with ease. A muscle flexed in Kaz’s jaw and his hand adjusted its grip on his cane. He had nothing to say. If ever he were sure that he should have died in the harbor as a child, it was now. There was no light in a world without Inej in it. It was difficult to believe. To imagine how he would go on. What was the point?
There’s always more damage and profit to be had, he thought ruthlessly, reaching for armor.
Inej’s voice came to his mind. Was there never another dream?
He had asked her to stay then. But he couldn’t be the man she needed, and he had let her go. He had helped her go. Yet Inej had continued to hope he would find a way to heal. Her belief had been a light inside of him he didn’t know was there until now. Knowing she was dead had extinguished it and he was reeling from its absence. From her absence. He wasn’t sure he had a reason to embrace his humanity if he wouldn’t get to share it with her. Some part of him had entertained fantasies of a future with Inej. The legend of Kaz Brekker was wearing thin for him. He had more money than he could spend for the rest of his life. He had avenged his brother’s death; Pekka Rollins had never returned to the Barrel. Kaz had nowhere to go but down and he didn’t relish the view.
Kaz’s feet took him to Fifth Harbor automatically. Jesper strolled along easily at Kaz’s flank like no time at all had passed since they were both seventeen and making names for themselves on these streets. At berth twenty-two, Kaz made a sharp turn onto the length of dock that stretched out over the water, and then stopped abruptly at its end.
Standing still was not Jesper’s strong suit. Now that the motion of walking ceased, he spoke.
“When ma died, I felt like the whole world should have stopped,” said Jesper. “It didn’t seem right that business went on as usual like nothing had happened. I hated that so much.”
Kaz said nothing.
“You want to punch me?” Jesper asked, looking sideways at Kaz.
Kaz’s gloved hand flexed on his cane. He sighed. “For once, you don’t deserve to be punched.”
“Just thought you might need someone to hit.”
“It wouldn’t change anything,” said Kaz.
“No,” Jesper admitted. “It wouldn’t.”
“I’m going to hunt whoever did this. I will tear down everything every one of them ever had.”
“What happened to ‘it wouldn’t change anything’?” Jesper sighed. “I expect you’ll succeed though. What’s your first move?”
Kaz’s mind turned through possibilities like a pick through a lock. He had contacts who could narrow down the names of possible attackers. He could assemble a team of Dregs to go after every person who had been on the attacking ship.
“Scheming face,” Jesper mumbled.
Kaz struggled to conjure a completed plan. He couldn’t hold onto all the right springs. He was fumbling. Sliding one piece into place made the others slam closed. He couldn’t crack this one. “Saints,” Kaz said. I can’t stand here and pretend I’m handling this. He lowered himself onto a nearby crate and put his head in his hands. “You should probably go.”
“When have I ever done what I probably should do?” Jesper asked, seating himself next to Kaz.
Kaz wanted to rip out his own heart or someone else’s throat. He had been intimate with pain nearly his whole life, but this was beyond even his ability to endure. Not for the first time, he considered throwing himself into the harbor and letting the waters have him. Anything sounded better than existing with this endless ache. He had to hold it together. Pressing into his bad leg, he welcomed the physical pain that would gag the howl trying to rip free from his chest. His pain was so raw and so deep, he was sure that if he let it free he would never be strong enough to rein it back in. Rather than drowning in the harbor, he was drowning in his own grief and he didn’t know how to surface.
Jesper drew in a shaky breath next to him. The sound of it brought Kaz back to the present. Jesper was silently shedding tears, his shoulders shaking with each shuddering breath he drew.
“Being here, surrounded by shadows,” Jesper said thickly, looking around, “I’m half convinced she’s going to pop out any second. I never got used to her turning up out of nowhere.”
Kaz couldn’t stand to look at shadows he knew were empty. She had only ever surprised him with her presence once. Eyes on the rippling water, he pressed into his bad leg again. “Remember the time we were staking out Van Eck’s house in preparation for lifting that DeKappel?”
Jesper sniffed, and then breathed out a short laugh. “You mean when you and I were in our places, and then Inej was suddenly between us and I nearly yelled for the whole block to hear? I about jumped out of my skin. For payback, I kept cracking jokes, trying to make her laugh. It was all she could do to keep quiet. And then finally she threatened to cut out my tongue and see if I could be quiet while she did it.”
“It was a rare moment of ruthlessness for her at that point,” Kaz said.
“Yeah,” Jesper said, nodding. “Only you could turn a religious Suli into a bloodthirsty slave ship huntress. Remember the first time she had breakfast cake?”
“I didn’t think she would ever eat anything but breakfast cake after that.”
“Unless it was a spread of rice and sambals.”
“Just to remind herself of home though. She made sure to tell us every time that the spices weren’t quite the same here,” Kaz added. They fell silent for a moment, savoring memories of their friend, before Kaz spoke again. “I should have…” His courage failed him. He had never spoken of his feelings for Inej. He couldn’t bear to talk about it now.
“She knew,” Jesper said.
Kaz looked up at Jesper’s face.
“She knew you loved her, and she loved you too. You both just had … unique ways of expressing it. Inej wasn’t the only one who cared about you though. We care about you too – Wylan, me. Nina. You took care of me like a brother in my Barrel days.” He lifted the sleeve of his shirt, showing where the cup and crow tattoo of the Dregs was still on his arm.
“Fine upstanding merch like yourself hasn’t had that removed?”
“Not a chance. I’d as soon sell my revolvers.”
Kaz steeled himself. He had kept his past close to his chest his whole life, but Inej’s death was loosening his stranglehold on his secrets. He wished he could have told her some of them.
“I had a brother. I wasn’t able to keep him alive,” Kaz said. “He died of fire pox in the Queen’s Lady plague outbreak. I’m glad I haven’t lost you and that you’ve gotten out of the Barrel.”
Jesper shifted and rubbed a hand over his neck. Kaz knew that speaking affectionately was like a merchant standing on a corner handing out kruge. There had to be profit in it somewhere and Jesper was trying to find the catch.
“Do you remember when I called you ‘Jordie’?” asked Kaz.
“Yeah, you were throwing punches at me that day.”
Kaz’s mouth tightened.
“Deserved ones,” Jesper admitted. “Though you deserved to be punched, too.”
Kaz couldn't deny that. He had deserved to be hit back. “Jordie was my older brother.”
“I’m sorry you had to lose him. I’m sorry we’ve lost Inej,” Jesper said heavily.
Jesper had made mistakes, but Kaz could count on him and he realized this was one of the few people with whom he could share this moment. Their history was important to Kaz. For most of his life, he’d had to isolate himself to keep his true weakness from being exposed. If the gangs in Ketterdam knew he could be incapacitated just by touching his skin, his career as Barrel boss was over.
“Jesper, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but not listening to me when I told you to go might have been the right move,” Kaz forced himself to say.
Jesper couldn’t keep the grin from his face. “It was a gamble I couldn't resist. If you were anyone else, I’d hug you right now. I’m kind of enjoying not getting that punch I offered to take earlier though.”
Kaz hesitated. He wasn’t ready to hug anyone. Rolling his shoulders like he was preparing for a fight, he stood. Jesper warily stood too. They faced each other.
Kaz reached out and gave Jesper a pat on the back.
Jesper let out a breath. “She was the best of all of us,” he said.
“Don’t I know it.”