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An all-normal day in Brocket Hall found Lord Melbourne working in his green house when he heard an unexpected, yet familiar voice outside.
“Can you please stop kneeling and take my horse?” Victoria sounded amused, “would be much more helpful, wouldn’t it?”
Melbourne closed his eyes. He had so often wished to hear her again that he was not sure if he was dreaming but the obvious confusion told him that it had to be her indeed.
A moment later there were her steps on the tiles, light, almost weightless, just as he remembered them. His heart missed a beat as the beautiful butterfly she was to him came fluttering round the corner, smiling.
“Lord M”, she said, “so here is where you are hiding.”
“Indeed, Ma’am.” He kissed her hand as he had done so often when he had been her Prime Minister, her flowery perfume tickling his nose. “Though I wouldn’t call it hiding, Ma’am. I’m retired and this my home, so I’m supposed to be here, I guess.”
“Which is a good thing, for otherwise I wouldn’t know where to find you.”
Victoria tilted her head as she had done so often in the past. He looked older, she observed, his hair greyer, new wrinkles embellished his face. She knew that he drank far too much since they had parted but it would be unfair to scold him for that. It only showed her that he missed her like she missed him and that had been one reason she came over here alone and unannounced.
“Maybe”, he answered, “how can be of service today, Ma’am?”
His voice didn’t change at all, Victoria realized. It still had the warm, soft, dark timbre that send shivers of longing down her spine. Just like his eyes did, their green, intense gaze thoughtful, caring, loving as always – except the one time she saw them glazed with desire.
But even back then on the one night they had together, he had done nothing to endanger her marriage by taking last step. She knew that she should be thankful for that, but sometimes, yes, sometimes, when she was alone, oh how she wished that he had…
“Nothing special… it’s just that Albert is away for a while, and I thought it might be a good time for a visit. You must have thought that I forgot you, so…”
She shrugged as if to shake off the thought, a cute little gesture that made him smile.
“I never thought that, Ma’am. I knew that you have a lot on your mind with being queen, wife, and mother.”
“I have indeed, but that’s a sorry excuse for not even writing to my best friend, don’t you think?” She sighed. “Really, sometimes I wish my day has 48 hours, it seems like literally everybody wants something…”
He nodded. “I wish I could give you some of mine. There is not much to do here, so I have a lot of time doing nothing.”
She frowned. “No, you earnt every spare hour you have, Lord M. I never realized how much you really worked until you retired. You should enjoy being free from it all, from cleaning up the mess I usually make.”
‘How can I?’ he thought, ‘how can I enjoy a day without your company?’
“You never made a ‘mess’, Ma’am. You had to grow into the role you were born for. As I told you before: To me, you are every inch a queen!”
“You know that you are still quite alone with that belief, don’t you?”
“People are slow learners, Ma’am. But they will, I’m sure.”
“Maybe. But first, they must understand that I’m still a queen who will not be reduced to just being a mother.”
He waited patiently for her to say more, sure that she didn’t visit just see him, but she turned to look around, letting the topic drop.
“Flowers, Lord M?” she said, “seems that you always need something to care for…”
He blushed at her mocking tone and her sad smile; all the things she couldn’t say written on her face.
“Shall I show you around, Ma’am?”
“Yes, please. I always asked myself where those beautiful bouquets came from…”
His blush deepened, making her chuckle. Victoria raised her small hand in its riding glove slowly as if not to startle her Lord M and let it run over his cheek.
He caught it on its way down to hold it a second too long and the magic that had always been between them was back again as the long, lonely months faded into nothing by their touch.
Their eyes locked, if only for a moment, both aware that they couldn’t hide anything from each other. There was no need to say anything.
Still looking up to him she let her arm glide into his. Lord Melbourne watched her from the corner of his eyes while he showed her around.
She hadn’t changed much, only her figure was a little more rounded from giving birth. Her whole posture was more adult than he remembered it, her playfulness subdued. He knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t happy, but he didn’t dare to ask.
He had hurt her; the guilt was fresh in his heavy heart like it had been the day he refused her proposal. She never had accused him for that, but he knew that his decision had changed her forever.
When she placed herself on a bench out of sight for anyone outside the greenhouse and he reluctantly sat down beside her at her inviting gesture, he felt that the time for truth had come.
They sat in silence for a while, just being close like that brought the peace of their long-missed friendship back.
Victoria let her head sink against his arm. He stiffened a little but said nothing. He had longed for her touch like she had for his. Feeling his eyes on her she finally turned to him.
“Why do men have to be so complicated?” she asked.
“Are we? I don’t think so.”
“Yes, they are”, she stated, “men are never satisfied. Once they got what they wanted, they don’t want it anymore. Like spoiled children. It’s so frustrating!”
She bit her lower lip. Melbourne could see the hurt in her eyes and cussed under his breath. What had that stupid, childish princeling done to her?
“He wanted a queen, he got one. He wanted a child; I gave him one. He wanted a kingdom; I shared mine with him. And yet, it isn’t enough! Au contraire, it’s like he never wanted it at all!”
She was crying now, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“He is with another woman, Lord M.” A harsh whisper. “A girl from the theatre… he says that she means nothing to him, but...”
That felt like a punch in the gut. Melbourne inhaled sharply, trying to control a rage he hadn’t felt since he had found out about his wife and Lord Byron. He had always thought that the bad feeling he had had about her marring Albert had come from his jealousy but now he had to admit that he had been right, and the prince indeed had been the wrong choice. If he only had accepted…
“I knew it wouldn’t be easy”, she continued, “but you said, it can be learned… I accepted the changes a marriage brings for I didn’t seem to have another option. I made the greatest possible sacrifice when I set my kingdom over my feelings! Why can’t he do the same?”
She hiccupped.
“I tried to be a good wife. Really. And a good queen. I obeyed, even more than I wanted to. If I only had insisted…”
She broke off. No need to dig into that. No need to hurt them both more.
“Ma’am…I’m so sorry…”
Her smile was heartbreaking.
“Don’t be…this isn’t your fault or your mess. I’m sorry that I bothered you with that, but I had no one else to run to…only you…it seems always to be you…”
“And I’m glad you came.”
“Really?”
He nodded. She leaned against him again and this time, he let his arms glide around her shoulders and pulled her closer. Right now, she wasn’t the queen, but the lonely child on the throne he had met years ago, the woman he wanted to protect, the love of his life that he couldn’t have but missed so dearly.
She let it happen and cried herself out at his chest while he caressed her back to soothe her.
Finally, she looked up and their eyes met.
Barely audible, she said: “This isn’t revenge…”
She straightened herself, searching his lips.
“I know… I missed you, too.”
He felt her arms around his neck as they kissed, shy and tender at first but getting more passionate every second. Her tongue asked for allowance and though he should know better, he let her in, astonished how much she had learned since the night before her marriage.
"This is going to hurt, you know that Victoria", he whispered after they parted again, "we are not allowed to go down this path or will only miss each other even more."
Victoria sighed.
"That again. Don't worry, I can behave if you insist. It's not that I want to use you to soothe my heartbreak, Lord M, and I don't want you to feel that I did later. “
She looked him straight in the eyes without giving him the chance to avoid her. “So, I have to tell you this all over again, I guess. I love you, Lord M, and you should be the man by my side. I told you that I will cope with that not being possible and I do as good as I can. But you can’t demand that I should stop missing or loving you. I stayed away because I knew that my stupid little heart will long for you the second we meet again. You don’t deserve to burn on the pyre of scandal only because I can’t separate the woman from the queen. I’m too aware that they will blame you now for using your broken-hearted sovereign as a plaything to keep up their picture of their perfect queen and her picture-perfect family. It’s alright for my husband to go astray, but not for me. Never for me. I’m to sit at home, crying, being pitied by them.” She snorted, not very ladylike. “So, if you are ‘going down that path’, as you put it so poetically, with me, do it with all your heart or leave it completely. Whatever is your choice, I can handle it.”
Lord Melbourne swallowed but took the hit for he knew that he deserved it. His indifference towards her had let to this and now, Victoria had cornered him. Again.
He took a deep breath. “I’m not afraid for me. I live with a broken heart already, there is nothing that could be worse. I fear for you. It’s a dangerous game to play and you might lose more than your crown. You might lose yourself between the queen and the woman.”
She smiled. “I have my ways to not let that happen. I’ve learned to fly, even with a broken wing. So, are you going to sell me a dream to cling to today, Lord M?”
He searched inside himself for another excuse only to find that he needed a ‘dream to cling to’ as much as she did, maybe even more.
“With all my heart”, he said and kissed her again.
&&&&
Later, he watched her leave, a little disarranged, but undoubtedly happier than before.
Lord Melbourne sighed. He was sure that that hadn’t been the last time she was going to show up, now that their feelings were plain on the table. But that didn’t matter anymore. Confessing had held a healing power that made waiting endurable, much to his surprise.
She hadn’t taken her heart away.
He could live with that.