Chapter Text
Chapter One: The Forbidden Kiss.
We knew that it was wrong, that she was betrothed to my brother. But if she didn’t want this, then why did she come to the Field of Desire?
It was fated, that we should meet like-
The pillow hit Eva square in the face, and she shot up to see her sister, Mattie, standing in the doorway and preparing to throw another one.
“Are we hanging out or what?” Mattie demanded.
Eva rolled her eyes, waving her book in the air. “I just want to finish this chapter, okay?”
Mattie opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, the sound of dishes clattering rose up from the kitchen downstairs. Their older brother, Clark, appeared in the doorway, raising his eyebrows.
“Should we help him?” Eva asked, hoping Clark would say no.
Of course he didn’t. “He wants to do it himself, but please come help me set the table?” Mattie followed him downstairs, but Eva lingered, stealing the few seconds it took her to at least finish the page.
Sighing wistfully, her mind still half-lost in the world of a romance she would never experience, she wandered downstairs. Clark was trying to convince Mattie to be nice about whatever it was that their dad was cooking—which, at the moment, was filling the air with the distinctive smell of burnt meat.
“I don’t care what you want to say. I want you to tell him it tastes just like Mom’s,” Clark told her, almost begging.
“I wasn’t even three when Mom died,” Mattie protested. “And constructive criticism is a good thing!”
“You are many things, Mads,” Eva told her, taking the stairs two at a time, “but you are not constructive.”
Even though she had been perfectly helpful, Eva knew Clark was about to scold her, but then his attention was snatched by a knock at the door.
Eva hesitated on the last few steps as the door opened to reveal their neighbor, Annleigh O’Daniel.
Annleigh had lived next door to the Wheeler-Sanchez family for Annleigh’s entire life. She and Clark had been dating for almost three years now, but before that, she was Eva’s best friend… and Eva's crush.
Looking back on it, she’d probably been Eva’s first crush, although Eva hadn’t known it at the time. Clark was two years older than Eva, and Annleigh was exactly in between them in age, but she’d always been closer to Eva. They’d carpooled to school together, spent hours on the trampoline in Annleigh’s backyard, and when Eva’s mom died when she was nine, Annleigh had come over to check on her almost every day.
Eventually, though, they grew up. The year that Annleigh started middle school, leaving Eva behind in fifth grade, something shifted. Eva hadn’t noticed it for a few months, but it became abundantly clear by winter break that Annleigh, who’d never cared much about Eva’s older brother, had changed her mind. By the time Eva started middle school, Clark and Annleigh were almost as close as Eva and Annleigh had been for years.
Annleigh and Clark started dating in their freshman and sophomore years of high school, during Eva’s last year of middle school. Since then, they’d tried their best to include Eva and make sure she didn’t feel left out, but it was a little hard to not feel like Annleigh had chosen Clark over her.
At first, Eva thought she just missed her best friend—and there was certainly an element of truth to that. Now, every time Annleigh came over, she would immediately ask if Clark was home, and Eva was left wondering why her company wasn’t good enough anymore. Eventually, though, it became abundantly clear that the tightness in her stomach when she saw Clark and Annleigh holding hands was about more than just losing a best friend.
Of course, the timing of which she’d realized said crush had been unfortunate. She hadn’t really figured it out until Annleigh and Clark had been together for over six months, and at that point, it was way too late. Besides, Annleigh was definitely straight.
But those feelings hadn’t gone away just like that. After suffering in silence for a month, Eva had finally given in and confessed… to a piece of paper. Just like she did every other time she had a debilitating crush, she spilled her feelings into a love letter and hid it in a blue box her mother gave her when she was six. There were five letters in total: one to a girl from summer camp in fifth grade, who’d been Eva’s gay awakening; one to Kate Dalton, who she’d kissed during a game of spin the bottle in seventh grade; one to Chess Belmont, who she danced with at the eighth grade formal; one to Riley Williams, who she’d done Model UN with in middle school but who had moved away before freshman year; and, of course, the one for Annleigh.
Of the five, Annleigh’s was undoubtedly the most personal. Even aside from the whole brother’s-girlfriend thing, it was the only crush that had come from actually knowing her. She’d danced with Chess once at a formal, only because neither of them had had anyone else to dance with, and they hadn’t spoken since. She and the girl from summer camp had been paired up for a hike once, and hadn’t even exchanged emails or anything by the end of the summer. She’d known Kate and Riley since they were kids, but she and Riley had lost touch after middle school, and though Kate had always been nice to her, they’d always been more acquaintances than actual friends.
Though the letters were addressed as though they were meant to be sent, Eva would die before letting even one of them ever reach its recipient. And she’d rather be eaten alive by tarantulas than let Annleigh read her letter. Luckily, over the last two years, her feelings for Annleigh had faded away, but under no circumstances was Clark ever to find out that his younger sister used to be in love with his girlfriend.
Eva was too good of a sister for that.
“If you just saw this thing back and forth, then usually it…” Leo trailed off, mumbling to himself as he tried to work his knife into the charred lump of meat. “Hey, Clark, could you come hold this for me?”
“Actually, you know what?” Clark stood up and deftly snatched the plate off the table. “I’ll grab the electric knife from the kitchen, and this thing’ll be ready in about two seconds, okay? It looks great, Dad.”
Mattie and Eva exchanged a worried look.
“Ugh, I can’t believe we aren’t going to see him until Thanksgiving ,” Mattie groaned, her head falling to the table dramatically. Eva flicked her shoulder, and her head shot up, scowling at her.
“It’s actually gonna be Christmas, girls,” Leo told them. “Scotland is too far to come back just for Thanksgiving.”
“Wait, what? ” Eva demanded. “We’re not gonna see him until Christmas? ”
“Look on the bright side,” Leo suggested. “He won’t be taking the car every day, so you’ll have plenty of time to practice your driving.”
“I forgot that Eva has to drive me to school now,” Mattie whined, slouching down in her seat.
Eva rolled her eyes. “Feel free to take the bus.”
Annleigh raised her hand a little, as if she was in math class or something. “Um, if you guys need a ride, I’m still right next door, you know. I’m not going anywhere.”
Eva returned her smile. Although Clark going to college on the other side of the Atlantic felt a little like losing a limb, she couldn’t help hoping that maybe she and Annleigh might be as close as they used to be again.
“Or,” Mattie suggested, “what if I drive, and if we get pulled over, we’ll just switch places real quick?”
Leo pointed at her. “Excellent idea, honey!”
“What are we talking about?” Clark asked, returning with the plate of mystery meat—which, to be honest, did look slightly better now that it was cut up.
“We’re talking about what a terrible driver Eva is,” Mattie chirped, dodging the balled-up napkin Eva threw at her. Clark nudged Mattie’s shoulder, shaking his head, as he started to go around the table to serve everyone.
“We were actually also talking about Thanksgiving,” Annleigh chimed in, reaching for her purse and pulling out a folded sheet of paper. “And I have a surprise for you!”
Clark took the paper and unfolded it, and Eva grabbed his hand, forcing it lower so she could read it, too.
“It’s a plane ticket,” Annleigh said, glancing at Leo. “Since you couldn’t come home for Thanksgiving, I, um, thought I’d come to you!”
“Hey, good for you!” Leo said, but Eva kicked him under the table. Clark didn’t seem… well, he didn’t seem like a guy who had just found out his girlfriend was coming to visit him so he wouldn’t have to be alone on Thanksgiving.
“Did you… already pay for this?” he asked in a soft voice.
Annleigh looked a little worried now. “I mean, yeah… I started looking for flights as soon as you told me you were going to St. Andrews.”
Clark slowly folded the paper back up, and Eva and Mattie shared panicked glances. Mattie reached for her fork and quickly took a bite of the mystery meat, badly hiding a gag.
“Just like Mom’s!” she said cheerily, but Clark didn’t smile.
After the most awkward dinner of her life, Eva and Mattie escaped upstairs while their dad started cleaning up and Clark walked Annleigh back home. Eva started to reach for her headphones, but the raised voices outside caught her attention, and she hesitantly brushed the curtain aside to look out the window.
“I was trying to be a good girlfriend,” Annleigh protested, down at the foot of the driveway.
“Yeah, well, you shouldn’t have done that in front of them!” Clark shot back.
She knew she shouldn’t, but Eva watched for a minute. She couldn’t make out everything they were saying, but it was clear that it was about the plane ticket, which she really didn’t understand. This was the exact kind of big, romantic gesture Eva would’ve expected from a couple that everyone agreed was going to end up married one day, so why was Clark so upset?
Eva let the curtain drop and disappeared into her closet, standing on tiptoe to reach the blue satin box she kept tucked away at the back of the top shelf. She rarely reread her letters, preferring to keep her emotions tucked away, but tonight, it felt like a good distraction.
She picked up each one individually, fingers brushing over her neat handwriting that spelled out the names and addresses. She started to reach for Annleigh’s, too, which she kept at the very bottom, but thought better of it, instead picking another up at random.
Dear Kate…
Some time later—enough time that Eva had reread four letters and was seriously debating the fifth—there was a knock at the door. Whoever knocked didn’t bother waiting for an answer, and as the door creaked open, Eva hurriedly stuffed all the letters back into the box and shoved it under her bed.
Clark stood in the doorway, looking around at the room, his expression glum. Eva waited on the floor, unsure what to say and hoping he would start the conversation.
“Your room is a mess,” he eventually muttered, brushing past her and climbing onto her bed. Eva pushed the box a little further under the bed and followed him up, leaning against his shoulder.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he answered simply, then seemed to hesitate, which was unlike him. “I mean… I don’t know. I just broke up with Annleigh.”
He might as well have told Eva that the moon was on fire. “What?!” she asked, dumbfounded. “Why?”
“Well…” Clark trailed off, thinking for a moment. “Before Mom died, she told me not to go to college with a girlfriend. So… yeah. I mean, I leave tomorrow, so…”
“But… you love Annleigh,” Eva said slowly. “And she loves you.” She’d always thought that Clark and Annleigh were the picture of a perfect relationship, a flawless example of true love. The idea of them breaking up had quite literally never occurred to her.
Clark took a deep breath. “Doesn’t matter anymore. She and I are through, and that’s that.” Despite the sadness in his voice, his tone was firm, and Eva knew his mind had probably been made up for a while. “Anyways, when I was packing, I made a box of stuff for Dad to take to Goodwill. You probably should do that, too.”
Eva glanced around the room. “I don’t know. I mean, I don’t think there’s anything I can part with right now…”
Clark sighed. “Look, Eva, I’m going to college tomorrow, okay? You’re going to be the oldest now, and you need to set a good example for Mattie. So no eating chips before dinner, and keep your room clean, okay?”
Eva hugged a pillow to her chest, slouching down against the bed frame. “Can we go back to talking about how you’re sad?”
The drive to the airport the next day was silent. Nobody knew what to say to Clark—how do you fit “You’re going to be gone until December” and “I need you here” and “I’m happy for you” and “I still don’t get why you broke up with your girlfriend” in one car ride?
Eventually, they found somewhere to park and checked his bags, making their way to security. Leo had offered to fly out with Clark to help him move in, but Clark had insisted he’d be fine (Eva had overheard the conversation, and Clark had been adamant that “the girls will need you, I can do this on my own”).
“Well, this is it,” Leo said, the four of them slowing to a stop. He was acting cool, but his arm was tight around Mattie, as though he was clinging to the two kids who still lived at home for dear life. “You got everything?”
Clark gestured to his small carry-on suitcase. “Yeah, I’m good, Dad.”
“Actually, um… you need a magazine,” Leo decided. “Me and Mattie are gonna go find you one, okay?”
“Dad-”
“C’mon, Mads.” And then he was gone, leaving Eva and Clark alone in the terminal.
Clark turned to Eva, who drew in a deep breath and willed herself not to cry.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving me,” she said, trying to be upbeat. “I mean, who am I supposed to eat lunch with every day?”
“You could make some new friends,” Clark suggested, but Eva was already shaking her head. “C’mon, Evvy, it’s junior year! You never know what could happen!”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of.” Eva hugged herself.
“Look, I’m only going to be a Skype call away,” Clark promised.
“Until you start going to pubs and eating haggis-”
“Hey, look at me.” Clark put a hand on her shoulder. “I promise, I will never, ever… eat haggis.”
Eva shrugged off his hand, rolling her eyes, and he laughed.
“I’m still your brother, no matter what,” he reminded her. “Call me whenever, okay?”
“So we couldn’t decide on one,” Mattie chimed in, arriving back into the conversation, “and we just got you all of them.”
“Oh, wow,” Clark said, reaching to take the stack of magazines their dad offered. Eva glanced at Mattie, who shook her head. He’d been putting on a brave face, but Eva knew Clark leaving must have been really hard for her dad, too.
Leo pointed to the copy of Road & Track on top. “I know it doesn’t seem that interesting, but if you just stick with it…”
Clark smiled. “I’m gonna miss you guys.”
Leo cleared his throat. “Well, you’re gonna miss your flight if you don’t get going. Say goodbye, girls.”
“Bye,” Mattie and Eva said together, a pathetic-sounding chorus.
Clark turned and headed for security, and the three of them watched him go. As he reached the gate agent and pulled out his passport, Mattie took Eva’s hand.
“Do you think he’s gonna look back?” she asked.
Eva shook her head. “Nope. That’s not Clark.”
And sure enough, he disappeared behind the sign for security without a backward glance.
“I can’t believe it,” Leo said as Mattie and Eva posed for their first-day-of-school photo. “Sixth grade and junior year. Man, the time just flies.”
“We’re gonna be late, Dad,” Eva complained, her fake smile instantly dropping away once the flash stopped.
“Okay, okay, I’ll let you go.” Leo turned and opened the door to his car, pointing at them. “Drive safe, okay?”
“Wait, I forgot something,” Mattie said, turning on her heel and running back into the house. Eva sighed, secretly glad for any excuse to prolong having to get behind the wheel. It wasn’t that she was scared of driving, exactly… she was just scared of everything that could go wrong while you were driving.
Unfortunately, her fear did not make her any better at it.
“Okay, I’m ready,” Mattie chirped, and Eva turned to see her clipping on her bike helmet.
“Really?” she asked drily.
Mattie raised her eyebrows. “What? It’s totally necessary!”
“Shut up and get in the car.”
God, Eva hated school.
She liked learning, and she was good at it, having had straight A’s since fifth grade. But she hated other teenagers, hated the oppressive crush of the school hallway—and, of course, she hated Cairo Adekoya.
“Hey, watch where you’re going!” Cairo snapped as Eva accidentally bumped her shoulder.
“Sorry, I- hey, Cairo,” Eva said, her hopes of a good first day waning fast.
Cairo rolled her eyes. “Oh. It’s you.” She looked Eva up and down. “Cute boots! Thank you for your service!” Cairo punctuated her sentence with a mock salute, just in case it wasn’t clear enough that she was insulting her.
Eva glanced down at the combat boots that she’d bought specifically for the first day of school. “They’re vintage. I, um, got them on Etsy.” Cairo didn’t care. She was making fun of her and Eva was acting like an idiot. What the hell was she saying?
“And they’re amazing,” came another voice, and Eva’s best friend, Farrah, appeared from the crowd and threw an arm around her shoulder. “Not many people can pull them off, but Eva rocks them.” She glanced at Cairo’s shoes. “It’s probably safe that you’re sticking with those sneakers, though, cuz.”
“Fuck you, Farrah,” Cairo snapped. Though she and Farrah were cousins, the two of them couldn’t have been more different, and they’d hated each other for longer than Cairo had hated Eva.
It hadn’t always been that way. In elementary school, Eva and Cairo had been really close. Other than Annleigh, Eva would’ve called Cairo her best friend—they’d even had friendship bracelets once. But things changed in middle school, and they’d been sworn enemies since seventh grade.
Honestly, Eva didn’t even really know why Cairo hated her. She’d tried and tried, but she couldn’t think of a single thing she’d done to make Cairo hate her. The best she’d been able to figure was that, in seventh grade, Cairo had become popular, and Eva decidedly had not. Apparently it wasn’t cool to be seen with the quiet, nerdy kid, so Cairo had left her in the dust.
Another familiar face melted out of the crowd, and Eva resisted the urge to roll her eyes as Cairo’s girlfriend hugged her from behind.
“Hey, babe,” said Kate—yes, Kate of the letter, Kate of seventh grade spin-the-bottle, Kate the star of the school’s gymnastics team, Kate who Eva had once found almost cool before she’d picked Cairo’s side over Eva’s in middle school. “What’s up?”
“I was just complimenting Eva on her government-issued boots.” Cairo rolled her eyes, turning away and leaving without a second glance. “C’mon, I see someone we need to say hi to.”
Kate lingered as Cairo walked away, looking almost guilty. “She, um, just stopped drinking caffeine for some diet or something, so… she’s probably just a little grumpy because of that.” She glanced down at Eva’s boots, then back up at her face, and Eva crossed her arms in front of her chest, a little self-conscious. Kate was cool in that way that always seemed so effortless, like she didn’t have to try, which was something Eva would never understand.
“You sure she doesn’t just have a chemical imbalance or something?” Eva tried to joke, keenly aware of how uncool she was compared to the effortless coolness that radiated off of Kate.
Kate raised an eyebrow, clearly not getting it. “Um… right. See you.” And then she was gone, and Eva sighed, turning to Farrah.
“Do you really think my boots are cool?” she asked.
“Yes, and don’t ask, because it ruins the vibe.” Farrah steered Eva down the hall, towards their first-period English class. “Be cool, okay?”
Eva just laughed.
As great of a best friend as Farrah had been that morning, she unfortunately left Eva on her own for lunch. Students weren’t supposed to leave campus, but Farrah had a bit of an addiction to Subway, and of course she hadn’t warned Eva before deciding to sneak off to get herself lunch today.
Without anyone to anchor her, Eva wandered down the halls, searching for somewhere to sit. The cafeteria was full, and the popular crew—which included Cairo and Kate—were the epicenter of it, so that was out. She tried the library, but every face in the room turned to stare at her when she took out a bag of baby carrots, so that was a no-go, too. Eventually, she decided to try outside, figuring there was plenty of space out by the track, right?
And that was where she found Annleigh, sitting alone on the bleachers with a book. Her posture was as perfect as always, her hair neatly curled and her clothes spotless and wrinkle-free, but Eva knew her well enough to recognize the hint of sadness in her eyes.
It occurred to her that as panicked as she’d been to lose Clark, Annleigh had lost her ally at school, too. Annleigh, Clark, Eva, and Farrah had always eaten lunch together, and Annleigh was probably having the same exact problem as Eva.
But just because Clark was in Scotland… did everything else have to change, too?
“Hey,” she said, taking a seat next to Annleigh. “What’s up?”
“Oh, hi, Eva!” Annleigh was acting cheery, but Eva could tell she was still a little sad. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” Eva said, which was a total lie, but if Annleigh could tell, she let it slide.
For a moment, they just sat in silence, both of them a little unsure of how to still be friends. Eventually, Annleigh broke the silence with the one thing Eva didn’t want to think about.
“I have to ask… did he tell you he was going to do it?” Annleigh asked in a small voice.
Eva shook her head. “I had no idea.”
“I just thought… I mean, you guys normally tell each other everything, right?”
“He didn’t tell me about this, Annleigh.” Eva sighed, picking at a screw on the bleachers. Though she didn’t like to think about it, she knew why—Clark knew she would try to talk him out of it, and he’d be right.
“Right. Okay.” Annleigh hesitated. “But, um… are you and I still friends?”
Eva smiled. “Yes, we are still friends.”
“Good.”
Eva reached into her bag and pulled out her lunch. “Baby carrot?”
“Yes, thank you.” Annleigh took her phone back out. “You updated your GoodReads pretty late last night.”
“Leave me alone,” Eva protested, and Annleigh laughed.
So yeah, Clark was gone. But at least some things didn’t need to change.
“The middle school is ginormous ,” Mattie said, visibly glowing with excitement. “And the cafeteria is, like, the size of the entire elementary school! And Avery wanted to sit next to me at lunch, but so did Lily, but so did Madison, so we rotated so that everyone could sit next to me, you know?”
“Totally,” Eva mumbled, trying not to think about how her only best friend had ditched her at lunch as she unlocked the car. Mattie reached for her helmet before even buckling her seatbelt, but when Eva tried to protest, she insisted, so Eva let it go.
Seatbelt, check. Turn on car, check. Put it into reverse, check. Slowly start backing out…
The car made it only an inch or two before there was a shout behind her, and Eva slammed on the brake, instantly realizing that she’d forgotten to check her fucking mirrors.
“Good thing I was wearing my helmet!” Mattie said with a laugh, and Eva resisted the urge to strangle her.
Whoever she’d nearly hit came around to the driver’s side window, and Eva sent up a silent prayer to the universe, wishing she could turn invisible and escape this moment. There was a knock on the window, and Eva rolled the window down, craving instant death when she realized that she’d almost hit Kate.
“Hello,” Kate said, her smile exaggerated.
“Hi,” Eva said in a small voice.
“How you doing?” Kate asked. “Good?”
“We’re good,” Eva answered.
“Cool.” Kate raised her eyebrows. “You know, people usually check behind them before they reverse in a parking lot. It’s just, like, a thing we do to, you know, avoid killing other people.”
“I know.” Eva nodded quickly, unable to meet her eyes. “I just, um, I just got my license and I’m still getting comfortable with, like, my mirrors and stuff, so…”
“Clearly.” Kate cleared her throat. “You think you’ll be able to make it out of the parking lot?”
“I’m all good,” Eva promised. “We’re good. We’re fine. You should just, um, go. Please. Thank you.”
“Whatever you say, Sanchez.” Kate started to leave, then looked back and pointed at Mattie. “Hey, you’re in charge, okay?”
Heat flared up behind Eva’s eyes, and she resisted the urge to cry. Who the fuck did this girl think she was, talking to her sister like Eva wasn’t even there? Kate had no right-
“Yes, ma’am,” Mattie chirped, and Eva immediately rolled up the window as Kate walked away. “Who was that? ” Mattie asked, in an obvious “she was cute” tone.
“That was Kate Dalton,” Eva said simply, leaning back in her seat.
Mattie waited a beat. “Uh… what are we waiting for?”
“We are waiting for the rest of the cars to leave.”
Mattie groaned, but Eva ignored her, wishing she never had to drive again.
That night found Eva and Mattie sprawled on the couch together, continuing their traditional first day of school Golden Girls mini-marathon, even if Clark wasn’t there to do it with them.
“What do you think Clark is doing right now?” Eva asked.
“Crack.”
“Mattie!” Eva scolded. “Why would you say that?”
“I looked it up, that’s how Scottish people say fun, ” Mattie protested. “Like, you’re a good craic. ”
Eva relented, looking back at the screen. “It’s weird without him, isn’t it?”
“It’s weird without Annleigh, too.” Mattie sat up to look at Eva. “You know, Eva… if you had a girlfriend, maybe she could drive us to school every day!”
Eva wrinkled her nose at Mattie. “If that’s what it takes, I think you’re stuck with me, kiddo.”
“What about the girl you almost killed at school today?” Mattie asked. “She was kind of cute.”
“She has a girlfriend, Mads.”
“It’s not just that, Eva…” Mattie scooted closer. “Evvy… I’m eleven, and I canceled plans to be here tonight. And you’re sixteen, and I’m pretty sure that, um… you don’t have anything else going on?”
“That is so harsh, Mattie!” Eva scolded, hating the fact that she was right.
“The truth hurts!”
And hurt it did.