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Jawn thinks he might die here.
He loves Awsten to death. Ever since they were kids, surviving middle school together, he has adored Awsten Knight. They were glued to each other all through school, inseparable no matter what. Any attempts to separate them were met with resistance of the highest degree. One time they even ran away together, as teenagers. They came back three days later, but they felt like they had made their point.
Nothing gets between Jawn and Awsten.
But this might.
It starts out as nothing at all. They’re fifteen, hanging out by the river, and Jawn almost falls in. Awsten grabs his hand at the last moment and hauls him onto dry land. Jawn stumbles into Awsten and they end up chest to chest, fingers tangled together, Jawn breathing heavily with the fear of it.
Jawn stares into Awsten’s mismatched eyes as he recovers. He forgets where he is, who he’s with, and just… falls. Lets himself get lost in them, finds his way home through the blue and green.
“Are you alright?” Awsten whispers after a long, tense moment.
“Huh?” Jawn asks, then remembers he almost just drowned. “Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just scared myself. Thank you.”
“It’s alright.” Awsten squeezes Jawn’s hand in his. “I wouldn’t let you die. You’re my best friend.”
Jawn becomes increasingly aware of how sweaty his hand is, how warm and calloused Awsten’s is. “I know.”
“Anyway.” Awsten moves away first, letting go of Jawn’s hand and backing up. He glances around frantically like he’s trying to find a topic of conversation. Failing that, he resorts to insults. “You’re a dumbass.”
“Fuck you.” Jawn retorts. Then they melt into giggles and it’s like nothing ever happened.
Except it did happen. Except Jawn has no idea what it is.
It happens again, a while later. They’re lying in Awsten’s bed, so close their noses are almost touching. To be fair, Awsten’s bunk bed isn’t big enough for them to be any further apart. Their conversation is stilted but not awkward. Awsten keeps yawning in Jawn’s face.
“We should sleep.” Jawn mumbles. His eyes feel heavy, closing on themselves for moments at a time.
“But I wanna keep talking to you.” Awsten whines, shuffling closer to Jawn so their foreheads are touching. He has been so clingy recently, always in Jawn’s space. “Why do you never let me have fun?”
Jawn can’t answer. He’s distracted by Awsten’s eyes again, the way they shine with tiredness and joy. There’s something so intoxicating about them, the way they turn Jawn’s brain off. Safe and comfortable, he feels himself relaxing more and more with each moment that passes.
“Can I ask you a question?” Awsten asks, his voice so quiet that it barely snaps Jawn out of his trance.
“Hm?” Jawn asks, drowsy and barely focused.
“Have you ever kissed a girl?” Awsten asks.
“No.” Jawn giggles nervously. Girls don’t like him, and honestly, he has never been too interested in them either. “I would have told you.”
“I guess so.” Awsten chuckles. “Are you ever worried that when you do, you’ll be bad at it?”
“Yeah.” Jawn admits with a sleepy giggle. “I don’t want them to make fun of me for it.”
“That would suck.” Awsten agrees. He puts his hand on Jawn’s elbow. “We could… practice.”
“Practice?” Jawn asks. His exhausted brain isn’t following whatever Awsten is on about. It’s hard to keep up with Awsten at the best of times. He’s always off on some crazy tangent.
“Yeah. Just… practice.” Awsten warm breath tickles Jawn’s face. “It wouldn’t mean anything.”
Jawn tries to think it through but there isn’t a whole lot going on in his brain right now. He trusts Awsten, though. Awsten would never do anything to hurt him.
“Um… okay.” Jawn agrees.
“Okay.” Awsten giggles. His hand moves from Jawn’s elbow to his cheek. “Tell me if it’s too much, okay?”
Jawn nods. Awsten closes the gap between them until their lips are touching. It’s brief, a chaste press of their lips together, but it’s electric. Jawn grabs into Awsten’s hip, trying to stop himself from floating away. Neither of them pull away, they just lay with their faces inches apart, staring at each other.
“That wasn’t bad.” Awsten whispers.
“It was good.” Jawn says before he can think. This wasn’t supposed to mean anything, but now all he can think about is doing it again.
“Yeah.” Awsten rubs his thumb along Jawn’s cheekbone. “We should go to sleep.”
“If you, um, wanted to practice some more, I’d be fine with that.” Jawn whispers as Awsten leans over to turn off his bedside lamp.
“I’ll bear that in mind.”
Awsten kisses him on the side of the head and lays back down beside him. He doesn’t ask Jawn to move to the other bunk. They don’t talk about it, but Jawn never sleeps in the other bunk again.
They kiss whenever Awsten wants. Jawn is too scared and too repressed and too awkward to initiate anything, so it’s up to Awsten. It’s infrequent, a handful of times over the course of a year.
Always in private, where no one can see them. Awsten will put his hand on Jawn’s face and press their lips together, so quick and simple but it’s like lightning. It’s like they could live forever, just the two of them, in the seconds that their lips touch.
Jawn doesn’t know what to call how he feels. Is he even allowed to put a label on it? It’s nothing, it means nothing .
Except it kind of means everything to him.
“Why do you keep doing that?” Jawn asks him, after the fifth time it happens. He’s confused and a little upset - it’s been brewing in him for so long that he can’t take it anymore.
“Practice.” Awsten shrugs. “Do you want me to stop?”
“No.” Jawn says, a little too quickly. “It’s fine, I was just curious.”
“Hm.” Awsten kisses Jawn again, lingering for much longer than he normally would. “Me too.”
Jawn doesn’t know what that means. He doesn’t know what any of this means. Kissing Awsten has made him realise that he likes kissing boys. Now that he’s kissed a few girls too he has found that it isn’t as fun. Something about Awsten makes it better. Whether that’s because he’s a boy or because he’s Awsten is up for debate.
Soon, Awsten gets a girlfriend - a blonde girl from their high school - and the kisses stop. Jawn is crushed, but he isn’t really sure why. It didn’t mean anything, and it didn’t happen very often. But it was something, it was a glimmer of hope that Awsten felt something about him.
The relationship doesn’t last long. It’s over by the end of the year. In a fit of midnight madness, Jawn bleaches his hair while crying on his bathroom floor.
“It looks good.” Awsten says, running his fingers through Jawn’s hair the next time he sees him. “You’re cute blond.”
Jawn blushes. He isn’t sure what to do with that, between the compliment and the contact. “Um, thank you.”
Awsten steps into his space, so close to him that their noses are touching. Jawn gets a horrible sense of Deja Vu. But he doesn’t pull away.
“I missed you.” Awsten mumbles, eyes flicking down to Jawn’s lips and back up to his eyes in quick succession.
“I’ve been here the whole time.” Jawn reminds him.
“Mhm.” Awsten agrees. He puts his hand on Jawn’s jaw. “You’re a good friend. My best friend.”
“I’m trying.” Jawn laughs, a little uncomfortable.
“Me too.” Awsten whispers, and presses their lips together.
It isn’t like before. It isn’t chaste or hesitant. Awsten is insistent, licking at Jawn’s lips until he lets him in. And of course, Jawn lets him in. It’s clear Awsten learned a thing or two from his relationship - he kisses differently, but it isn’t unfamiliar. It isn’t wrong.
This isn’t like kissing a girl. It’s like the first breath of air after being under the water for too long.
“You taste like smoke.” Awsten mumbles when he finally pulls away.
“Because I smoke.” Jawn reminds him. Awsten tastes like apple flavour gum and mint toothpaste and sunlight.
“You should quit.” Awsten rubs his thumb along the stubble on Jawn’s jaw.
This is a point of great contention in their friendship. Awsten hates smokers. They fight about a lot of stupid things but they only truly argue about whether Jawn should quit. No matter how much they talk about it, Jawn never admits that he picked up smoking because he was stressed. One of the main things that causes him stress is not knowing where he stands with Awsten.
“I’m not doing anything for you.” Jawn mutters.
“Liar.” Awsten accuses, but there’s no bite to it. “Kiss me.”
Jawn can’t say no. He dives in again.
It’s not like before, the quick kisses when Awsten is curious. Now they make out more often than not. If Jawn tries to ask what it means, Awsten kisses him so he can’t talk. They sleep in the same bed whenever possible, Awsten curled up against Jawn’s chest.
Eventually, Jawn stops trying to put a name on it. Awsten won’t let him and Jawn doesn’t want to lose this by pushing him. Neither of them acknowledges it in front of anyone else. When someone mentions how close they are, Jawn gets defensive and says they’re just friends. It tastes like bile in his mouth.
He gets sick of it. How is this fair? Clearly they aren’t just friends but Awsten won’t even talk about taking it further. Is he embarrassed of Jawn? Does he not want people to know that he likes boys? Awsten is loudly pro-LGBT, supportive of their gay friends. Is it that he might be gay, or is it just Jawn?
They’re at a house party. Jawn is going out of his mind trying to figure out what game Awsten is playing. So, he decides, fuck it. Who cares - Awsten clearly doesn’t.
“Get me drunk.” He tells Geoff, who is already tipsy. “I don’t want to remember any of this.”
Geoff has the decency to be concerned about his wellbeing, but when Jawn insists he’s fine he doesn’t push. He isn’t sure what he’s drinking but it tastes good and it shuts his brain off like kissing Awsten used to. Jawn gets giggly, and touchy, and Geoff is the closest person willing to put his arm around him. Geoff smells good. He tastes better.
Awsten appears seemingly out of nowhere. He yanks Jawn away from Geoff and drags him out of the house. Jawn gets his wits back after a moment and pulls himself out of Awsten’s grasp. Then, for some reason, Jawn bursts into tears.
“What is your problem?” Awsten asks. He’s shaking, eyes burning. “My guitarist, seriously?”
“Your fucking guitarist? He’s my friend too.” Jawn hiccups. “Why do you care?”
“Well, because- we’re…” Awsten falters, seemingly only just becoming aware that they aren’t actually anything.
“We’re what?” Jawn challenges. Awsten glares at him. “Come on, we’re what? Because as far as I’ve been told, we’re nothing.”
“Don’t be like that.” Awsten sighs.
“Like what?” Jawn almost screams at him. People standing outside the party are staring at them now. He doesn’t recognise any of them but he hopes Awsten knows every single one. “What am I to you? Just practice? Someone you make out with just because you don’t have a girlfriend?”
“I…” Awsten holds his hand out to Jawn, but then he draws it back. “That’s not fair.”
“Oh, I’m not being fair.” Jawn laughs so hard he starts to cry harder. “Fuck you!”
Jawn storms back into the party. He took his jacket off at some point and he needs to find it before he leaves. Problem is, he can’t see through the tears running down his face and can’t breathe from how hard he’s sobbing.
Geoff catches him while he’s stumbling around the kitchen. After Jawn has given him a shaky, jumbled explanation, Geoff gives him a hug. He doesn’t seem offended that Jawn more or less used him to get back at Awsten.
The next thing he knows, Jawn wakes up on Geoff’s couch with the worst headache of his life and a pit of dread in his stomach.
He needs to talk to Awsten, but he doesn’t know how. What does he even say? Sorry I got drunk, made out with one of your best friends and screamed at you in front of a crowd of people. In my defence, you keep kissing me.
Awsten is home when Jawn shows up there in the late afternoon. His mom gives Jawn a look of disapproval when he trudges in with his sunglasses on, stinking of cheap vodka and his hair a mess, but doesn’t say anything.
Jawn doesn’t knock before he walks into Awsten’s room. He just steps in, walks over to his desk and shuts the lid of Awsten’s laptop.
“Hey, I’m using that.” Awsten complains, pushing his desk chair out to put some distance between him and Jawn. He doesn’t seem surprised to see Jawn or concerned about what happened to him last night.
“Fuck that. You’re using me.” Jawn says. He spent the long, miserably walk over here rehearsing what he was going to say. It all left his head as soon as Awsten locked eyes with him. “I don’t know what your problem is, but you either have to stop it or talk to me.”
Awsten stares at him, then nods. “Okay, I’ll stop.” He turns back to his laptop and reopens the lid.
“Are you for real?” Jawn asks.
“You gave me two options, I picked one. What do you want from me?” Awsten shrugs.
Jawn stares at him. He didn’t expect that to be the answer Awsten would pick. Was it that easy for him to give Jawn up?
“Alright.” Jawn whispers. “I’ll see you around.”
“Alright.” Awsten mumbles, eyes fixed on his laptop, staring at his MySpace page.
Jawn leaves Awsten’s house and walks home. It starts to rain. He lets himself get soaked.
They don’t talk for a while after that. People ask him why he isn’t with Awsten a lot. Eventually he snaps and reminds the poor soul who dared to ask him that he’s his own person. He doesn’t need to be with Awsten to be worth hanging out with.
But he misses being with Awsten. They had their own language, a network of inside jokes that only they spoke. Talking to people without being able to bounce off of him is hard. It isn’t enjoyable. Nothing is fun without Awsten.
It takes almost a month, but he goes crawling back.
Awsten doesn’t say anything when he opens his front door and sees him. He just smiles and lets him in. They sit on his bed in silence for a while, looking at everything but each other.
“I didn’t want to stop.” Jawn says when he can’t take it anymore. “I just didn’t want to feel like you didn’t care about me anymore. I wanted to talk about it.”
“Of course I care about you.” Awsten puts his hand on Jawn’s knee. “I’m your best friend, right?”
“Right.” Jawn agrees. Nothing can get between them, even… whatever this is.
“Then,” Awsten leans in, pressing their foreheads together, “What do we need to talk about?”
Their lips connect and Jawn forgets everything. His hands gravitate to Awsten’s hair, burying his fingers in it. Awsten pushes him back until he’s on top of Jawn, pinning him to the bed.
They make out sloppily, Awsten biting at Jawn’s bottom lip and tugging. Jawn whimpers - that’s new. It isn’t unpleasant by any means. Their hands wander until Jawn is digging his nails into Awsten’s hips.
Somewhere in the back of Jawn’s mind, he knows he’s fallen for it again. He’s right back where he started, Awsten’s piece of meat to mess around with when he’s bored.
But… It feels good. But for a moment of his life Jawn feels desirable. But Jawn knows this is his own fault, really. He’s the one who came back.
Awsten pulls away and presses his lips to Jawn’s neck instead. Jawn whines. He can’t help himself.
“I love you.” He breathes.
“Don’t say things like that.” Awsten mumbles, dragging his teeth across his jugular. “Just… don’t.”
So Jawn doesn’t, and it starts all over again.