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Recently the world felt muddled. Rooms felt suffocating, people were a bother to talk to, work was tenacious, and emotions were constantly changing and bubbling through his chest.
Ren appreciated everything he had. With all the adoring fans and their sweet words of love and encouragement, Haruka who had taught Ren more about himself than any one ever could, the addition of starish whom he considered to be a family of sorts with all they’ve accomplished together, and Masato. Masato Hijirikawa, who despised him only years prior, is now someone who could deal with Ren enough to call him his boyfriend.
Yes, he appreciated his current life, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t have off days… or weeks.
His mother’s birthday was coming up. No matter how many years had gone by, no matter how much he’d accepted the fact that his mother was gone, Ren never failed to feel bittersweet during the oncoming days or sometimes, even weeks. It was in this time that he reflected on his life the most, questioning whether he even deserved to be as happy as he was and wondering what life would be like if his mom had survived the childbirth that was his own. Was he worth the sacrifice of her life?
These were the thoughts that had been plaguing him every morning for the past week and as much as he tried to find solace, whether it be in his music, playing darts, being surrounded by those he loved, none of it worked. The oncoming dread pulled at his body and affected his own work.
“Jinguji, I’ve made you tea. You have a shoot in an hour and you have to be there on time today.”
He peeked through the blanket that he had pulled over himself to cover up the fact that he had woken up, but Masato always managed to see through Ren’s schemes and of course, made sure that the man was on schedule. Especially during an emotional time such as this one. He meant well, he knew keeping Ren busy was for the best.
“Don’t you think it’s a tad too late to be there on time?” Through the small crack of the blanket, Masato could be seen with his arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed. He was a stern man, never taking any excuses from Ren and that’s part of the reason Ren adored him so, he kept him in check and when he couldn’t, Ren still got to see those stern looks of him. They were quite adorable, but he’d never tell him that.
Masato glanced at his watch. Of course he was already prepared for the day, he was never caught slacking off.
“Well, if you get up now, you’ll be there earlier than you would’ve if I didn’t catch you fake sleeping.” And with that, he walked away, probably going to check out his own schedule. Ren knew he had a later day than him, so he had no worry in being late... just yet.
He watched him walk away, and although Ren’s mind was flooded and his heart felt slightly hollowed out, he could still smile at the sight of Masato because he just did that to him, ever since they were children. He remembered going to mutual family events and seeing the bored blue haired boy looking out at the crowd of adults, rather uninterested at the talks of plans and finance. Ren felt the same as a child, just being dragged along to these events because he was a part of a distinguished family and his role was to stand politely and be quiet as the second child. He remembered going up to him, finally, after 3 or so events that he saw this boy and asked if he wanted to play outside. Masato had been hesitant, but agreed nonetheless and together they ran outside to play in the water despite it being too cold out to be splashing about. That was the happiest that Ren had been in a while, even if it meant that he caught a week long cold just the next morning and got a long scolding from both his dad and older brother. Ren was sure that was the moment that this blue headed boy had changed his life and he wouldn’t change that for anything.
He shook his head, realizing that Masato was already out of sight, he hesitantly got up. His shirt sliding off his shoulders ever so slightly, boxers bunched up, hair barely clinging onto the loose bun he had it in. He looked a mess and it had been like that for a while now.
“How am I supposed to drink the tea peacefully if I’m already late?” He had asked in a teasing manner from across their small apartment, slipping into some fresh clothes that made him look at least somewhat presentable. He’d get changed anyways since he was going to a photoshoot afterall.
“I’ve put it in a thermal, so you can drink it on your way there.”
This made Ren laugh to himself. He loved how prepared Masato was for anything that he threw at him. He knew the male too well, knew he’d do anything to get out of things.
He rolled up the first sleeve of the sweater he put on, slowly, as he started to think too much again. Suddenly his morning shenanigans weren’t on his mind, the joy Masato brought him had slipped, he was reminded of what day it was.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow was her birthday. His brother would call, invite him to a dinner so they could say prayers to their mother, Ren would decline and work all day instead. He’d listen to her song on the way back home, the one that she recorded for him when he was still in her belly. He’d hum the melody to himself and think of what life would be like if he grew up with her warm and lovely presence around. And then, things would resume the day after, with just a little less pain than the days before.
He rolled up the second sleeve.
He let down his hair and combed through it, once, twice and then he was ready. Maybe he still looked a mess, but it didn’t matter because he’d be changed in a little less than an hour for the shoot. His hair would be done by stylists so he looked in top shape, his clothes pre-picked out and set on a dresser all neat and steam pressed. No sign of him struggling to even get up in the morning. Just the perfect image of an idol.
Slowly, he approached their kitchen to find Masato making both their lunches for the day, back facing him. Without thought, he snuck up to him and wrapped his arms around the others, keeping him from continuing to put together their lunch. His face dug into his neck as he tried to feel for something again, desperate to feel that little spark of joy he felt just a couple minutes ago.
Ren knew that Masato wasn’t one for surprise affection such as this, and it was only more evident when he could hear his partner through the vibration of his neck.
“I’m almost done with this Jinguji, give me 2 minutes.”
But he didn’t want to let go, so; he didn’t. He bit his lip as he felt a surge of emotion rush up, but he wouldn’t let it overtake him. Not in front of Masato. Although, his tightened grip had made it quite obvious that he was ready to cry any second now. He held onto the end of Masato’s shirt, grasping, just to feel the fabric in his hand so he had something to concentrate on. It was silky and soft, like most of Masato’s clothing. It was familiar.
Suddenly, there was a hand on his head and he felt Masato turn slightly to be in a more comfortable position. The large palm ran through his hair in a gentle manner, something Masato had done often, whether it helped put Ren to sleep or they were sharing a more passionate kiss. He had noticed that it was a place of comfort for Masato as much as it was for him.
Ren’s other hand, that wasn’t clenching desperately onto fabric, reached for Masato’s hand. It wasn’t stiff and desperate like his other, it was loose, as he intertwined their fingers together. Masato’s own hand had tightened ever so slightly around the other, it was bigger than his own; piano hands are what Ren liked to call them. Masato’s voice had gone quiet, and softer than his usual deep grumbliness, “Ren, do you wanna look at me?”
And he did, he tilted his head ever so slightly, as to peek up at the other. Masato was close to him, the purple in his eyes looking as vibrant and beautiful as ever, the mole under his soft eyes still there, still ready to be kissed by Ren whenever he pleased. His eyebrows weren’t furrowed when he looked up this time, they read more concerned than anything. And before Ren could mumble out an apology for his sudden mood shift, Masato had placed a gentle kiss on his lips, which surprised him to no end.
Masato could initiate kisses, but it wasn’t done often. It was rare, but that’s what made them so special. Ren looked forward to the day that Masato mustered up enough courage to approach him and show any form of physical affection.
It was quick, a peck, but the length didn’t matter. It was the caring nature behind the kiss that really mattered.
“Why don’t I stay with you for the shoot?”
Usually, if the other wasn’t scheduled in the same area, they would just go about their day until they both got a break, it was easier that way. But this was special. This was how Masato showed his love. This was what Ren needed.
“Mhm.. sounds nice..”
Masato had turned around, so they were in a more comfortable position, his thumb tracing slowly around the small area of Ren’s hand that he was holding. It was rhythmic and helped Ren center his thoughts again. He could feel Masato taking steady breaths as he counted the rise and fall of his chest, his soft skin on his as he had leaned his forehead on Rens after the surprise kiss, his hands still holding onto the fabric but it was much looser now, a sign that Ren had calmed down.
Tomorrow was going to be difficult. It was going to pull at Ren’s heartstrings and he was going to smile through every interview and photoshoot he had regardless of the burden he carried, but maybe he would go see his brother after work, maybe he would take Masato with him so they could have a proper prayer. He could finally introduce his mother to the man who made heavy days feel lighter and who had faith in him even in times where Ren felt like he had no impact.
By no means did Ren believe things were going to get easier in an instant, but it was moments like those that made him believe things could get easier. Life didn’t always have to be gray and he had people like Masato there to prove it.
Tomorrow was going to be difficult, but Ren Jinguji was not going to hide from it, not this time.