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"You? What are you doing here?”
“Can’t a gal come and visit an old friend?”
“Of course she can. But… you…”
“We both know what I am. As you can see, right now it doesn’t mean shit.”
“You can't deny it's weird. Really, really, really weird.”
“I’m not denying it. The fact remains that I am here, now, in front of you. Even if it seems we’re floating in the great white nothing.”
“Give me… give me two minutes to wrap my head around this…"
“I might not have too much time available…”
“Why do you say that?”
“Do you have any idea how it works in a case like mine?”
"Should I?"
"No. And just as you have no idea, I too have no idea."
“This… this thing doesn't make the slightest sense. You… you can't be here…”
“Again, I'm right here. I still don't know why or how, but who really cares? Is it so important to understand? And besides… come on, didn't you miss me even a little Akane?"
“What a stupid question, Ukyo. Of course I missed you. You've been dead for six years."
“Wow. It's been a while."
"Yep. Did you suffer?”
“I don’t see how I could haven’t. A truck run me over, you know."
“I remember. I was there.”
“Anyway, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The microsecond following the impact was truly terrible, the nova of pain I felt has few equals.”
“I… I'm sorry it went like this…”
“Were you driving?
“Of course not!”
“Then don't be sorry. It's not your fault."
“Okay, okay. I don't want to argue, I still have to really understand what's happening to me."
“It could be a dream, an out-of-body experience, your personal kami trolling you…”
“Dying made your sense of humour really bad.”
"Whatever."
“...”
“...”
“You have the face of someone who judges those who waste time.”
“Because that's what you're doing, wasting time. Let's take advantage of the special occasion.”
“How?”
“Update me on yourself, for example. How's it going with Ranma?"
"Oh. How it's going with Ranma. Good. All is good."
"Good? With that face? Seriously, Tendo? Go and try to screw with somebody else, I know you too well."
“I knew you wouldn't fall for it, but it was worth a try.”
“Call me Sherlock Kuonji.”
“Not even when I’m dead.”
“There’s still time for you. Now spit it out."
“You make me feel like a little fish in the net.”
“Because that's what you are. What are you not telling me?”
“…we got divorced.”
“D-Divorced? Seriously?”
“Now do you understand why I was trying to avoid it?”
“Yes, I understand. Do you… do you want to tell me something about it?”
“Venting with a dead woman… feh, Ranma's aura of strangeness didn’t go away with him. What do you want to hear, Ukyo? It didn't work. You know who we are, two stubborn idiots who can’t communicate. As you know we got married shortly after returning from Mount Hooh, thanks to our outstanding fathers’ pressure, and we never faced our problems. We never really had a heart-to-heart talk and this is the result.”
“Okay, but I remember the Saotomes…”
“Honeymoon phase. For the first two years the fairytale atmosphere dominated everything. But shortly after your passing the age-old issues in our relationship resurfaced with thunderous might. Everything was then complicated by the arrival of Shizue..."
"Who?"
“Shizue. Our daughter.”
“Uh. Delicate.”
“Very delicate. She's five years old, she's beautiful and sweet and she’s the best thing the baka and I have ever done together.”
“Awww, here’s a mama bear. I never thought I'd hear you say such words, especially with so much passion. Are you trying to make me cry?"
“…I’ve always hated it when you were being sarcastic, happy to see nothing changed in the meantime."
“I like the best parts of me, thank you very much. But tell me more about Shizue and how she influenced your relationship with Ranma.”
“Shizue… like I said, she’s undoubtedly mine and Ranma's best thing. Thanks to her we refrained from throwing our plates at each other. As you can imagine, raising a child as divorcees has its difficulties and we had to be the best possible versions of ourselves. You know what?”
"What?"
“Ranma and I alone brought out the worst in us, two childish hotheads whose preferred pastime was to argue with one another. Shizue has partly healed what we have destroyed, allowing us to have a civil relationship to raise her as best as possible. We remained friends for her sake, because if she hadn't been there..."
“You think it would be worse between you?”
“A lot worse. We would be the classic exes who ignore each other on the street or never miss an opportunity to insult each other. Preferably by throwing our innumerable flaws in each other's faces."
“Oh boy. You were the absolute best in the world at that.”
“Hey, just because we’re having a call between divergent realms doesn’t mean you can badmouth me. Or him."
“Please. Me being differently alive has nothing to do with it and you know it. You and Ranma have been two walking disasters ever since I arrived in Nerima, or even before that. You love… loved? Whatever the correct tense is, it was clear that yours could have been the classic great story of undying love to be passed down to posterity and instead you managed to screw everything up. You had happiness at your fingertips and you just had to learn to grab it. It hurts me to think that it ended like this between you."
“Ah, so you think this doesn’t make me suffer? Fuck Ukyo, I have spent weeks crying. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Weeks. I wonder if the tears' reserves have a limit, because if that's the case I'd have exhausted mine."
“I… damn it, Akane. Sorry. I was insensitive.”
“You certainly were, but since we haven't spoken for too long and this is a special occasion, as you rightly said... I forgive you.”
“One word from you and the topic Ranma Saotome will become taboo until the end of the conversation.”
"It’s fine. I'm twenty-six, I have a daughter and a divorce on my back. I'm not going to act like a spoiled brat who doesn’t want to face difficult truths. Not that it should be the only thing we talk about, but it's also time for me to take responsibility for what I say and do."
“Don't be too hard on yourself now. Judging by the way you put together your speech, it was clear that you learned to use a good dose of healthy self-criticism. The Akane who I went to school with would never have spoken with such honesty.”
“Even Akane Tendo can be an adult sometimes.”
“Good girl. Really though, I’m sorry. I clearly said too much.”
“Were you serious when you said that?”
“Well, yeah but…”
“Then you don't have to apologize for saying how you feel.”
“It's very nice of you to say that, but it's obvious that I spoke out of turn at that moment. As if it only hurt me. The one who went through a divorce was you."
“Okay, okay, that’s enough. An unfortunate phrase came out of your mouth. It happens even to the best, let alone you.”
“Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. You’re a fabulous stand-up comedian.”
“Oh come on, I was just teasing you a little. Until now the balance has definitely tipped more in your favor than mine.”
“That's true. Let's try to rebalance a bit, then."
“Mh? What do you mean?"
“You can ask me all the private and embarrassing questions you want.”
“...you're dead, what should I ask you? If spirits can be sexually aroused?”
“Akane!”
“You told me I could!”
“...the answer is yes, they can.”
“S-S-S-Seriously?”
"Truthful as truth."
“Okay okay okay, let's move on. I still have the same doubt, you know?”
“Akane, you think you really know everything about me?”
“I think… I think so?”
“You’re wrong.”
“Oh, really? What terrible thing I don’t know about you?”
“Guess how many people I've been with.”
“...”
“Why are you looking at me like that? Did it shock you that much?”
"...but... as far as I know... you haven't been with anyone, since you kept flirting with Ranma..."
“Not after your wedding. C'mon, even I didn't go that far. Hmm, wait. I think you got it wrong."
“Wrong? How?”
“I bet your little innocent mind was thinking how many people was Ukyo Kuonji romantically involved with before her tragic death. Am I right?”
"Can’t say you aren’t…"
“That‘s not what I asked you.”
“And what did you ask me?”
“The question is how many people did Ukyo Kuonji sleep with before her tragic death.”
“...”
“Akane, you’re a mother. Don't tell me I have to explain what happens when two people's temperature rises and they feel what's between their legs..."
“I'm not four! I know how it works!”
“I assure you, you didn't give that impression. And you still don't, with that red face of yours. Are you sure Shizue didn't arrive with the stork?”
“Kuonji! Stop spouting nonsense!"
“Anyway, come on, shoot. I'm really curious to hear your hypothesis.”
“...”
“It's an easy question.”
“…yeah, but…”
“Are you seriously that embarrassed? We're discussing my sex life, not yours.”
“It makes me uncomfortable all the same, okay?”
“My goodness, you’re so prudish. The idea that you… Shizue was conceived as per tradition, right?”
"Of course! As it has been done for thousands of years."
“Good to know. The idea that you had to directly get your hands dirty, and not only them, is starting to look rather strange. Whatever, it's none of my business and it's none of Ranma's business anymore, it's just your business. Is that number coming now?”
“How… how the hell am I supposed to know! One? Two?"
“Try double digits.”
“Huh? Seriously? So many?”
“I may not have been Linda Lovelace but I knew how to defend myself, let's put it that way.”
“I don't know… ten? Eleven?"
“If I didn't count wrong there should have been… sixteen.”
“...”
"Really? Are you that surprised? I didn't break any records, you know.”
“But… how? When? Why?"
“Are you for real, Tendo? How: the one who procreated here isn't me, so I trust I don’t have to explain in detail. When: in the two years between your marriage and my accident, although I did get busy even when I still laid claim to Ranma. Why: I was sixteen years old and my libido wasn’t hibernating.”
“Libido not hibernating doesn't mean star in a porno movie.”
“Excuse you? Are you calling me easy?”
“It doesn't seem like you exactly held back.”
“I don't have to justify myself to you for who I fucked, Akane.”
“Yuck! Do you have to be so vulgar?”
"Sorry miss Rottenmeier, next time I’ll say make love. Wouldn't want to scandalize you too much."
“Don't worry, you've already crossed that line. But you're right, you don't have to justify yourself to me. I'm not here to judge your amazing adventures under the covers."
“You said it right, amazing adventures. It's a good thing that, on those few occasions when you came to visit me at home, you never opened the drawer of my bedside table."
“Why? You know, sometimes I play with something long and vibrant too."
"A dildo. What a lovely naive little girl you are.”
“...I'm not sure I want to delve deeper into this.”
“Trust me, you don't want to. You just don't want to. But, as long as you are interested, we can frame a part of the question that perhaps you might find more interesting.”
"What would it be?"
"Who. Don't you want to know? You know some of them.”
“I admit I'm a little curious…”
“To open the list with flair, the first name is probably the most crackling: Ryoga Hibiki.”
“Seriously?”
“Never been more serious.”
“Even though he was in love with me?”
“Love has nothing to do with the physical act. Just like me he needed an outlet and we found out we… satisfied each other. Especially after you got married, given that the sadness and the frustration of having lost you went on top of the purely biological needs."
“He… couldn't get over it?”
“How could he? We were in love with someone we would never have. What there was between us could be considered as physical activity and nothing else, without the slightest sentimental involvement."
“But how is it possible that I never noticed anything?”
“Akane, neither of us walked around with a sign that read I had a great time last night, yuppie. Ryoga considered our affair... he wasn’t ashamed of it, but it was something that he didn’t want to flaunt from the rooftops. You know how he's like."
“I do.”
“Since our first close encounter of the third kind occurred when you and Ranma were not yet husband and wife, he wanted to appear like a pure-hearted boy. Especially in your eyes. And pure-hearted boys don't give in to the first person who comes by, right?"
“Well, he doesn’t seem that pure to me…”
“You're mean to him. I was the one who proposed this and it took me longer than I had expected to convince him, he wanted to preserve himself for his wife."
“Why are you defending him?”
“Why shouldn't I? And I wouldn't even say I'm defending him. We're talking about two people over the age of consent who had decided to console each other, without causing harm to anyone."
“The age of consent thing holds little water. Thirteen years old, for heaven's sake! It's like putting the Kamasutra in the hands of a primary school child!”
“I admit it’s very low, but we weren’t younger than that and it wasn't even that one of us was sinisterly taking advantage of the other because they were much older. Maybe we were a little young, I can concede the point, but in the end it was something that was good for both of us."
“I'm not too sure.”
“Why not?”
“You weren't even together…”
“So?”
“Isn't this usually something you do with the one you love?”
"Usually. Then there are people like me and your sister Nabiki..."
“Nabiki? Why are you bringing her in this?”
“Are you telling me you didn't know?”
“Apparently not. What I don't know?"
“Nabiki has a sexual relationship with Tatewaki Kuno. Had, I don't know now. I've been missing for a while and I'm not very up to date."
“Holy shit. Really?”
“Give me one reason why I should lie to you.”
“...you don't have any. How do you know this?”
"I got lucky. I caught them a couple of times in compromising situations and extracted the truth out of her.”
“What? You’re telling me you managed to make her talk? C’mon, be serious, we both know it’s impossible.”
“I’m serious. For the first and I think only time in the history of Nerima, someone subdued Nabiki Tendo the Cannibal with threats of personal violence.”
“You threatened my sister? Are you crazy?"
“I wouldn't have hurt her, I swear. I was just so terribly curious I was willing to resort to even the most heinous means to see if I had hit the mark.”
“I have to believe you, unless you want to make fun of me for who knows what reason."
“I thought I told you what I think about wasting time. Telling you nonsense just for the sake of it falls within my definition of a waste of time.”
“I trust you, you sound sincere. This experience is making me discover a lot of sides of the people close to me that I didn't… I couldn’t even suspect."
“It's because you're a little naive, my dear. No offense."
“I realized it after hearing your little stunts. There is life beyond the Tendo home garden.”
"Decidedly. Here, if I may leave you a pearl of wisdom..."
“Oh well, at this point I'm not surprised by anything anymore. Please."
“Learn to break out of the mental pattern you use to see the world. Akane Tendo has her own character and her own luggage of experiences that have contributed in making her see things around her in a certain way and with a certain color. But you know, that's not the case for everyone. For me, for example, as I just demonstrated to you with my CV. Which we can come back to if you're still curious."
“Mh. You see, your... amorous activities can remain where they are, just hearing Ryoga's name has upset me enough. And after what you told me about the bedside table, I'm afraid of what other things you may reveal."
“You’re right to be afraid. You shouldn’t hear in detail what I have done with Tsubasa..."
“Don’t want to!”
“Sorry, sorry.”
…
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“Akane…”
“Ukyo…”
“God, this situation is beyond bizarre. Really, I was hoping that after the divorce Ranma would stop influencing my life like this.”
“Come on, it's not his fault. Just as it often wasn't when the circus of suitors, his and yours, was still active."
“Yeah. In fact he wasn't the one who came and threw explosive okonomiyaki when we first tried to get married.”
“Are you still mad at me for that? I apologized to you in Aramaic.”
“You should have learned Klingon and tried that.”
“It seemed to me that you had accepted them.”
“I did. But Ukyo, even though I normally try to put such episodes behind me… that one really hurt. And perhaps, even if only on a subconscious level, I took it as a harbinger of the end of my union with Ranma."
“Are you saying that the mess we made… did you interpret it as a sort of appetizer for what would happen later?”
“Kinda. It's stupid, I know, but the desolate state in which you, Shan-Pu and the whole gang left my house... I mean, I was young and excited about the idea, and seeing that wreckage and all my dreams evaporate after being hit by an atomic warhead..."
GLOMP.
“U-Ukyo? This… th-this hug…"
“Akane, I pray with all my might that you believe me: if I could I swear to you that I would do everything... and I mean it, everything... to fix it, or at least to really make it up to you. I never realized how much pain I caused you and seeing you so... so... broken after all these years... with your head down... and your eyes shining... kami, I feel like a worm..."
“On my back…”
“I *sniff* am no longer in a position to *sniff* clean up but… you… you have to DEMAND that *sniff* the others… apologize properly…”
“The Chinese are no longer our problem. Nabiki and a lawyer managed to put a muzzle on them and, with Shan-Pu neutralized, they finally went back to Joketsuzoku. The Kunos are out of the question, we're talking about the intergalactic champion of idiocy and his similar sister. That leaves Ryoga, and I think I can get something out of him. But before that..."
FRUMP.
“...stop crying, please. I don't want to make you feel bad."
“Too *sniff* late for that. And anyway it's... it's just right that... I at least get a little taste *sniff*... of what you endured..."
“I don't believe in shared sorrow is half sorrow. Suffering is suffering, whoever experiences it and whatever the cause is, and if it doesn’t come into the picture it’s better for everyone. Especially if we’re talking about a friend who's been missing from my life for too long.”
"You… you consider me…"
“How else should I consider you? Which friends haven't had their arguments, haven't occasionally teased each other, haven't thrown dynamite-filled food at each other's wedding? For Shizue that’s what you are after she saw you in a photo, a dear friend of mommy and daddy who unfortunately died too soon.”
“You have a… big heart, Akane… you… you are too… too…”
“Too kind? Please Kuonji, let me get off the pedestal you just put me on. I can be mean and you know it, you experienced it firsthand a couple of times.”
“I remember that. Now, this is a side of you that I hope remains unchanged forever.”
"Which one?"
“Your amazing emotional empathy. Maybe you’re not the best at seeing the world from another perspective, but you sure as hell can use that compassion of yours."
“I bet Ranma thinks differently…”
“I’m sure you can perfectly talk back to him if need be.”
“We must stop throwing back in each other’s faces. There are precious things at stake, our marriage’s rubble and most importantly Shizue. In fact, at the first available opportunity, I'll talk to him about it and I believe he'll understand. You know Ukyo, he's an absurdly good father..."
"Really?"
“Naturally he has doubts, he hesitates, sometimes the impossible happens and he feels inadequate or unprepared. But in general he really knows what he's doing. He’s present, affectionate, listens to her. For the first time in his life Ranma Saotome has a higher priority than martial arts.”
“…fuck.”
“Sounds absurd, doesn’t it?”
“My ears are ringing by just repeating that phrase in my head.”
“...”
“...”
“We finally got back to it, to Ranma.”
“That's fine. It wasn't taboo."
“Uh, Akane…”
“What is it?”
“I feel… I feel like my time is running out.”
"No. No! Stay!”
"I'd like to. You don't know how much I'd like to."
“No, I know. I can see it in your eyes."
“Farewell, Akane. It was an incredible pleasure to see you again.”
“It was a pleasure for me too. And remember: you're not really dead."
"What? You okay?"
“I mean that a person truly dies only when they’re forgotten. That's not your case."
“...you read this corny stuff in a manga, didn’t you?”
Drawing done by the amazing Mana Sputachu.