Chapter Text
Shin’s mind drifted aimlessly, caught between the waking and dreaming worlds, an abnormal sense of heaviness keeping him from fully rousing from slumber. A discomforting disorientation prevented him from giving in to sleep completely, though—a strange sense of floating yet falling at the same time, all while he lay completely still on a comfortable, fresh-smelling surface.
Pressure like waves crashing without anything to break their impact hit his brain the second it decided to wander a little too close to awareness. Shin winced, pulled all too soon from the reverie he desperately wished to return to. Especially since he was so comfortable, and everything was so soft, so warm… and the sheets smelled so nice, but so… out of place in a way Shin’s clouded mind couldn’t deduce, but somehow still strangely, painfully familiar…
Shin stiffened, finally alert. This was not his bed.
His eyes shot open, tired confusion still poisoning his mind and obscuring his thoughts—just where the hell was he, and how did he get here…? His skin crawled with an unsettling premonition. He couldn’t yet see it, but he felt it. Someone else was here. Watching.
He yelped, suddenly aware of a presence near the bed. The figure burst into a fit of laughter—of course it would. That was Hiyori Sou, for you.
“It lives!!” Hiyori exclaimed after finally reigning in his wild outburst.
“That’s not funny…!!” Shin’s heart pounded within his chest as his eyes struggled to make out the form of his friend within the dim bedroom—the thick curtains were pulled shut, so Shin couldn’t even tell what time of day it was. Hiyori snickered from the chair he’d pulled up close to the bed just to… watch him sleep, apparently. “Why were you just staring at me with all the lights off…?!”
“I’ll have you know that you groaned painfully while they were on and, in your own wonderfully delirious way, begged me to keep them off. I was trying to be kind!” Hiyori complained as if Shin had actually offended him, but his singsong voice betrayed his humorous intent. “Also, I had to make sure you didn’t go and turn into a corpse while I wasn’t watching.”
“...Oh.” That… made sense, at least as far as Hiyori logic worked. Shin could imagine that any bright light would be like knives piercing through his skull in his current condition. Not even a minute later, his eyes finally adjusted to the dimly lit bedroom, and Shin blinked a little in confusion at what he saw.
“Your hair is down…” Shin stared—he’d never seen Hiyori’s hair like that, so how could he not stare? It spilled over his shoulders in messy green waves. Paired with the black button-up pajamas he wore, he looked a lot less… professional? He looked sort of… vulnerable. For some reason, Shin felt like he was seeing something that no one should see.
“Yes, that tends to happen when I don’t tie it up!” Hiyori replied unhelpfully with a bright smile. “Do you like it? Maybe I’ll wear it like this more often, just for you...”
“N-No, it’s fine…!!” Shin banished the thought of him letting his hair down in his school uniform or a suit immediately.
“So you think it looks bad...?” Hiyori frowned.
“I… I didn’t say that either!” Shin uselessly defended himself, and Hiyori giggled even more at that. He was just teasing—jerk. Why was everything so disproportionately funny to him right now? Hiyori seemed a little bit delirious himself, honestly. Shin idly wondered when the last time he slept was.
...How long had Shin been asleep?
The gears in Shin’s groggy mind finally started to turn. He… was still in his school uniform, embarrassingly enough. Hiyori was absent from school that day. He texted Shin that morning that he was fine, he just had something else to take care of, and Shin was worried about him getting in trouble for ditching. But… Shin had honestly almost skipped today, too. He woke up far more fatigued than before he’d fallen asleep, and the fact that his only friend wouldn’t be there waiting for him definitely wasn’t a very big motivator for dragging himself out of bed.
Still… since Hiyori was absent… Shin had thought that maybe, this time, he could be the one to help and tutor Hiyori on whatever new concepts he missed. Such a fantasy was immediately dashed by the powerful haze weighing down Shin’s mind and body all day long, though. By the time he left the school gates, the only thing keeping him somewhat lucid was Hiyori’s spare apartment key that he clutched so tightly it cut his palm. Something… didn’t feel right. He’d stumbled towards the closest safe place he could think of before his mind and body failed him completely, and… oh.
That safe haven… was Hiyori’s apartment. Hiyori had been on Shin’s mind all day long, actually. He could not let his friend know about that. So, Shin had come here willingly, but… he still couldn’t remember anything that had happened once he entered through that door.
“So…” Shin finally broke the awkward silence. “How long have I been asleep, and, um… why am I in your bed...?”
“Well, dearest Shin, you’ve been in and out of consciousness for a little over four hours now,” Hiyori cheerfully supplied him with an answer. “And the floor you’d so gracefully passed out on didn’t look very comfortable at all, so here we are!”
“That long…?” Shin rubbed his aching forehead. At the very least, he was grateful that going home with Hiyori had become a part of his daily routine, if only for the fact that it wouldn’t be very difficult to explain away why he’d been gone for so long to his parents. “And you were sitting here, just… staring…?”
“Hey! I wasn’t staring the whole time…” Hiyori dramatically pouted and yet eagerly bounced one of his legs, speaking a little too quickly. His smile returned even quicker than it had vanished. “You were probably out for about thirty minutes before I even returned home—what a shocking sight to return to! So I moved you somewhere more comfortable and went out to get a special medicine to fix you right up. I also had to run an errand, which took longer than I hoped it would… but after that, I cleaned up and changed into these lovely pajamas here, and… oh! I experimented with a soup recipe, just for you! You seemed to like it when I fed it to you, but you might have been too sleepy to remember that, ahaha!”
“…You did what?” Shin’s mind spun at the sudden barrage of information. He had trouble keeping up with Hiyori on a regular day, but his friend seemed... even more unrestrained than usual, like a bulb that burned far too bright right before it exploded. Those wild and ecstatic eyes scared Shin, just a little bit.
“I made soup for you…!!” Hiyori beamed, apparently completely oblivious to his unusually frantic energy. “I didn’t want you to starve, and I needed some practice in the kitchen, so I solved two problems at once! I’m no chef, but it seemed like enough to satisfy you!”
“Y-You didn’t have to go and do all of that…” Shin finally noticed an empty bowl on Hiyori's nightstand and, despite the mortifying mental image of his friend spoon-feeding him, wished he remembered what it tasted like. He anxiously fidgeted with the tie of his uniform—it really felt too tight all of a sudden—before deciding to just remove it completely. “...I was fine, really. I don’t know why you were fussing over me so much.”
Hiyori held out his hand in silent offering, and Shin handed him the tie. His friend neatly folded it and set it aside on the nightstand. “Shin… you asked me for soup. Repeatedly. Even though you were barely awake, you knew just what you wanted. It seems that soup really is your one true love! I’m almost jealous.”
Shin was not going to think too deeply about Hiyori joking about being jealous of soup occupying his thoughts, of all things.
“Anyways, if you look to your right, I think you’ll like what you see!” Hiyori gestured, and Shin found a neatly folded pile of clothes beside him. “You’re probably too weak to shower right now, but hopefully a clean change of clothes will be enough to satisfy you.”
“This is…” Shin took the clothes in his hands—a serpent-green pair of button-down pajamas, similar to the pair Hiyori currently wore. Did... Hiyori actually want him to stay even longer, after having wasted so much time on him already…? “I… I don’t want to take something from you if I don’t really need to…”
“You aren’t taking it, I’m offering!” Hiyori reassured. “It’s natural to borrow things from friends, isn’t it?”
Friends. Shin smiled a bit at that. Sure, they’d been spending a lot of time together for a little while now, but hearing that confirmation from Hiyori still felt pretty good. “...Yeah. Thanks, Hiyori.”
“Of course!” Hiyori beamed. “You can go get changed, and I’ll be back with a little surprise, alright?”
Shin nodded, somehow both equally excited and worried for whatever Hiyori had in mind, and took the spare clothes with him to the bathroom.
Shin relieved himself before gingerly changing into the pajamas Hiyori provided for him, propping himself up against the wall or the bathroom sink when his head spun a little too intensely. He tried to avoid his own pathetic reflection in the process. It didn’t help that Hiyori had taped some little photos of Shin up in the corners of the mirror—why did Hiyori like taking photos of him so much, anyways? Even the photos mostly featuring scenery had to have Shin in it, somehow. He couldn’t help but think that his presence in photos like that ruined what could have been a perfectly beautiful scenic view.
Shin finished buttoning up Hiyori’s pajama shirt and finally acknowledged the existence of his own reflection in the mirror.
He looked… terrible. His skin was even paler than usual, dark circles lined his eyes, and his hair stuck up in awkward directions. Even if Hiyori wasn’t really that much bigger than him, the clothes that would’ve fit his friend’s form perfectly hung loosely from Shin’s too-thin frame. It made him feel just as pathetic as he looked. He pulled the strings of the pants as tight as he could and spent far too long fiddling awkwardly with the way the collar of the shirt draped a little too wide around his bony collarbones. Eventually he decided that no matter how much he adjusted his friend’s clothes, they would never really look decent on him, so he gave up.
Being inside his friend’s clothes felt… strange. And he felt weird about feeling strange for something that didn’t really mean anything. But even more strange was the sense of comfort he got from it, too—the pajamas were impossibly soft. Not quite as warm as the thicker fabrics Shin usually preferred, but undeniably silkier and of a higher quality than anything Shin owned for himself. There were no loose strings, no rips or tears in the fabric… they seemed pretty expensive. Shin felt like they didn’t belong on someone like him, but Hiyori had offered him the clothes without even being asked to.
Hiyori was... kind. A lot more considerate than Shin would have assumed when he first started hanging out with him, anyways.
Shin exited the bathroom and lingered beside Hiyori’s bed. Climbing back into it himself felt… invasive, somehow. He really did wish to bury himself back inside those comfortable covers, though. His tired and achy body swayed a little bit in agreement. Still… he didn’t dare take advantage of his friend’s hospitality for any longer than he needed to. That, and… if he let the warmth of those blankets claim him once again, he didn’t think he would make it back home at all.
The bedroom door cracked open again.
“I’ve brought your surprise!” Hiyori finally returned, a new bowl of soup in hand, and guilt already tugged at Shin’s heart—why was Hiyori doing so much for him? The green-haired teen eyed Shin with concern. “Wow, I’m impressed that you’re still standing…”
Right. He was standing. So… maybe if he could manage that, he should finally head home and give Hiyori some peace.
“Um, Hiyori…?” Shin tentatively began.
Hiyori set the bowl down on the nightstand and gave Shin his full attention. “Yes?”
“I was thinking… since I was able to get changed, and I’m already up, I… I think I’ll be okay if I just head home,” Shin lied. His heart pounded and his head spun in protest. “I would hate to overstay, and… um…”
Shin trailed off as Hiyori slowly but deliberately stalked forwards. He instinctively backed away, but the bed behind him blocked his path, and Hiyori stood directly in front of him now. He raised one hand, delicately placed it against Shin’s chest, and Shin’s mind blanked.
With barely any force at all, Hiyori shoved Shin—if such a weak move could even count as a shove—and Shin stumbled backwards, falling flat into the bed behind him.
“H-Hey…?!” Shin indignantly propped himself up on his elbow, heart racing with anxiety, but… maybe there was also a little relief there too, now that he no longer had to force himself to remain standing.
Hiyori giggled from where he stood. “That’s all it took, huh? I really don’t think it would be responsible of me to release you right now. You haven’t fully recovered, and I’d hate to find out that you passed out again on the way home and got mugged or snatched away by some stranger with ill intentions...”
Shin shivered at that. “But… I don’t want to worry my parents by staying out too late, so…”
“I already took care of that!” Hiyori fished around in his pants pocket and proudly produced his phone. “I asked them if you could stay the night, and they seemed pretty okay with it, as long as you didn’t fall behind in school… but no worries. You just rest for now and we can tackle whatever assignments you got later. It’s a good thing that we don’t have school tomorrow!”
He held his text conversation up as proof for Shin. He really did message his parents, and they really did reply—not that Shin really had any reason to doubt him. Before Shin could ask for his own phone, Hiyori plucked it off the nightstand and handed it over. Did he take it from his backpack, anticipating that Shin would want it later...? The way that Hiyori sometimes knew exactly what he was thinking or what he wanted before he could articulate it kind of unnerved him, but it sort of flattered him, too. He unlocked his phone to a text telling him not to stay up too late, and he responded as reassuringly as he could.
Hiyori already came up with an excuse for him, he deliberately gave Shin pajamas instead of regular clothes… was he planning this the entire time...? He really, genuinely wanted Shin to stay longer…?
“But—” Shin began to protest, still not so sure he wanted to take advantage of his friend's hospitality this much, but Hiyori held up a hand.
“It’s really no trouble!” Hiyori grinned widely as though to reassure him, but it didn’t help settle his nerves at all. “What are you so nervous about…? Have you never had a sleepover before?”
“Well…” Of course Shin hadn’t. He’d never been close enough with anyone before. He didn’t even know if he was close enough yet with Hiyori for that, either. He briefly considered lying so that Hiyori didn’t think he was some sort of gloomy loner, but his green-haired friend stared so expectantly that the truth slipped out before he could think of a convincing enough way to claim that he definitely had loads of sleepover experience. “...No, I haven’t.”
“Really...? I’m so lucky that I get to share this experience with you!! I definitely want to remember this…” Much to Shin’s dismay, Hiyori pointed his phone’s camera at him.
“Wha…?! Not now…!! I look awful…” Shin pleaded and held out a hand to shield himself, but Hiyori leaned in, gently took his wrist in his hand, and raised his arm out of the way of the camera aimed directly at his face.
Shin froze. He wouldn’t have been surprised if his heart stopped completely.
“I think you look lovely,” Hiyori stated simply, tapping the screen with his thumb, immortalizing whatever ridiculous expression was on Shin’s face. He lingered for just a moment longer before releasing Shin’s wrist. Shin didn’t know what embarrassed him more—the fact that Hiyori was so close just a second ago, or the fact that he didn’t even try to get away. Hiyori pocketed his phone again with satisfaction clear upon his face. He definitely just took the most miserable looking photo of Shin in existence.
Shin hung his head and groaned miserably.
“Soooorry, but memories with you are far too important to be left undocumented! Will this make it up to you?” Hiyori scooped up the bowl of soup from the nightstand and held it out, and Shin couldn’t hide his excitement fast enough. Hiyori giggled at both his delight and his attempt to act nonchalant about it immediately afterwards.
“...Fine. I accept.” Shin huffed, taking the soup from his friend’s hands as casually as he could, more than a little bit eager to try it.
Hiyori watched him intently as he sipped from the bowl. It tasted a little… odd. The warmth of the bowl in his hands and the soup in his stomach seeped into his body and comforted him, but there was a strange sort of bitterness amongst the otherwise pleasant seasonings that nauseated him. Or maybe it was the discomfort of Hiyori just… watching him. He removed the bowl from his lips after only a few gulps.
“Um… I’m actually not that hungry right now, so…” Shin trailed off, holding the bowl out a little bit, hoping Hiyori would understand.
“You need to finish this bowl,” Hiyori denied, gently pushing the bowl back towards Shin. “There’s a special ingredient in it that will help you get better faster.”
“...What is it?” Shin eyed him a bit skeptically—he hoped it wasn’t something gross.
“It’s that medicine I mentioned getting you before! I already gave you some earlier, but you need a little more to make a full recovery. I thought it would be easier for you to take if I put it in something tasty.”
Shin sighed defeatedly, staring for a bit at the heat rising and swirling up from the bowl. Against his stomach’s wishes, he slowly continued to drink, but he struggled to swallow and keep it down against the overpowering nausea and the discomforting sense that Hiyori was still watching him eat. Shin really wished he wouldn’t.
“That's it…?” Hiyori eyed Shin as if he were a particularly fascinating specimen of some sort. “Not gonna question it further?”
Shin paused, holding the nearly-finished bowl uncertainly in his hands. “Huh? Why should I...?”
“I could've put anything in there," Hiyori's smile left his face, and Shin hated when it did. His unnerved expression must have pleased Hiyori, who shot a smile Shin's way again, although it was deeply unsettling paired with the words he spoke. "There could be poison inside you now, targeting your vital organs, slowly but surely leading to your untimely demise…"
Oh. Shin swallowed his anxiety. Another of Hiyori's creepy jokes—he could play along with that. "Is that right... well, that would be pretty bad, I guess. But I'm your only friend. Wouldn't you miss me too much if I just dropped dead?" Shin gave Hiyori a small mischievous smile back, but he honestly hoped for a genuine answer to that question, which was… a weird thing to hope for. He regretted the question as soon as he asked it.
"Not all poisons kill," Hiyori responded evenly, smile still plastered to his face, and Shin really didn't want to talk about this anymore.
"As if you could get your hands on poison..." Shin muttered and brought the bowl back up to his lips before Hiyori could say anything else weird.
Hiyori rested his elbows on the edge of the bed and his chin in his hands, intent on saying weird things anyways. "It's not all that difficult to get or create poisons if you know what you're doing..." He spoke in an amused tone, and Shin continued to drink his soup in rebellion. He wouldn't let Hiyori scare him that easily. "...and with all the knowledge in the world at our fingertips, is it so hard to believe that I'd know exactly what I was doing? Don't you think you should be a little more cautious with... ah."
Shin gulped down the last of the soup with difficulty, nausea nearly overwhelming him. Which was fine. He was fine. It took him a minute to recover his breath. Hiyori sighed like a disappointed parent as he plucked the empty bowl from Shin’s shaky hands and set it aside, which irritatingly made Shin feel like he did something wrong. Did Hiyori not actually want him to eat it? Why did Shin feel like he just... failed some kind of test?
"You're awfully stubborn when you want to be! Well, never mind then. I’m just glad you’re eating!” Hiyori sounded a bit more… normal. At least, less like he was plotting the murder of his only friend for fun. “You really should eat more… you worry me sometimes.”
“I... I try..." Shin tugged at the pajamas he wore, suddenly self-conscious once again. He wished Hiyori wouldn’t stare at him like that. But, still… even as embarrassing of a comment as that was, Shin felt a little more at ease, and his nausea finally subsided a bit. Hiyori really was just messing around—which Shin didn't doubt for a second, of course—and he really did care for his health, as annoying as he could be about it sometimes.
"I hope you enjoyed the soup I so lovingly crafted! It was worth every second, if it gets you up and running again!" Hiyori leaned back against the chair and confidently crossed his legs. "So, how does it feel now that my super special healing soup is inside you?"
"Um, it... it feels fine...?" Shin’s cheeks burned. If there was ever a time he wished to dissolve into nothingness just to spare himself from the overbearing attention Hiyori tended to give him, it was now. He had to change the topic. “Seriously… did your mom fuss over you this much when you were little, or did you come up with this all on your own?”
The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could register what he asked. Hiyori stared for a moment too long, smile still frozen on his face, chillingly at odds with his completely expressionless eyes. That… was an odd reaction.
“H-Hiyori…?”
“Ahah! Are you trying to say I’m mothering you too much, Shin?” Hiyori finally unfroze. “You’re pretty funny.”
Shin sighed, relieved that the tense atmosphere had dissipated. Still, though… Shin pondered what kind of life his friend had lived if he reacted like that to such a simple, lighthearted question. Family matters were not something that Hiyori spoke of freely. He lived in his apartment all alone despite still being a teenager himself, and Shin never asked where the funds to afford such a nice place and all of his expensive equipment came from. Maybe he was just spoiled rotten by his parents.
But... the way he never mentioned anything too personal about himself seemed to suggest otherwise. Did he even have living parents? With his suspiciously high funding, would Shin really be surprised if he found out that Hiyori was involved in something… shady...? Maybe... it was fine. Shin was overthinking things. Hiyori was just... an ordinary high school student with his own secrets, like anyone else. Well, he was a little creepier than most, but it wasn't like Shin performed any better in the socialization department. Although he definitely had his oddities and a penchant for mischief, Hiyori was helpful and kind, and Shin couldn't deny the tech he had was more than a little cool regardless of how he got it, and he really shouldn't stick his nose where it didn't belong. Unless he could get away with poking around unnoticed, maybe get into his computer or his phone and…
...What was he thinking? Snooping around, digging up secrets… he was treating Hiyori like some kind of criminal. If he was that curious about his friend’s personal life, he should just ask, but it felt like such an impossible task when Hiyori stared him down so intensely and alarm bells rang in Shin’s brain whenever he accidentally got too close to… something. He should know a little more about Hiyori, considering his friend already knew so much about him, right…? Unless he was overthinking that, too.
He wondered if he was truly brave enough to dive into the darkness that surrounded his green-haired companion.
“Alright, now it’s my turn for questioning…” Before he worked up the courage to pry, Hiyori leaned in closer, and Shin couldn't help but recall the way foxes pounced for voles hidden beneath the snow in a documentary he'd once seen at school. “What were you doing here all by yourself, Shin? I definitely didn’t expect to find you collapsed on my floor like that when I returned home, so I’ve been dying to know.”
...Ah. The dreaded question.
“W-Well, I…” Shin couldn’t just admit that when he started feeling strange, his first thought was to seek out the help of Hiyori over his own parents. Which was weird, wasn’t it? What plagued his thoughts as his body shut down faster than a laptop with a defective battery was none other than Hiyori Sou and his boundless knowledge. He trusted that Hiyori would come to his aid the same way he did whenever something or someone got too difficult for him to handle at school. Maybe he always wanted Hiyori by his side in spite of everything, but he couldn’t start thinking about that now, or—
“Shin...?” Hiyori spoke with concern, but the too-knowledgeable glint in his eyes would be the final nail in Shin’s coffin if he didn’t speak up for himself soon.
“Um… I wasn’t feeling well on my way home from school, and… your apartment was a lot closer to me...” This was a true statement, although not the full truth. Hiyori smiled, obviously seeing through Shin’s disguise as easily as if it were made of glass, and Shin’s skin prickled with discomfort at that thought. “...I didn’t think I could make it back to my parent’s place before I blacked out, so I just came here. I don’t remember what happened next. Sorry for… intruding like this.”
Hiyori merely giggled, expression thankfully relaxing into something much softer. “You really don’t have anything to apologize for. I gave you that key because I wanted you to use it, you know… if anything, I’m happy you felt comfortable enough to seek my help like this! You must have missed me sooo much—”
“I never said that I…!” Shin began to argue to save his pride, but stopped himself when his friend’s smile briefly faltered. “I… I mean…” He sighed in defeat. Hiyori always had a way of tugging at and pulling the truth out of him when he really wanted to, regardless of how much Shin tried to hide it. He just wished it didn’t feel so much like vivisection. “...I do trust you. Even if you are kind of strange. You… you know so much, and you’re always helping me out. I really admire that about you, and… and…”
Shin stopped himself. Where the hell was he going with this? The dizzying exhaustion had crept back into his brain before he could realize and apparently short circuited his ability to refrain from saying such awful, embarrassing things.
“Shin…!” Hiyori lit up as he trailed off. “You’re making me blush...! How kind of you! If you ask me, all of this was worth it, just to hear such wonderful things from your mouth!”
Now Hiyori was going and saying embarrassing things, but he clearly lacked the well-rested sensibility to even consider that those words weren’t things you could say to your best friend as he lay in your own bed without anyone else around, and he probably wouldn’t ever think of saying stuff like that if he wasn’t so sleep deprived. Anyone in their right mind would be furious at such an unexpected intrusion. Shin tugged the blanket closer to himself, but it didn’t give him the security he’d hoped for. It didn’t stop the awful, unforgivable emotions from clawing their way into his heart and cutting it apart into unrecognizable pieces, or those eager blue eyes and elegant hands from prying his rib cage wide open to expose everything Shin wished he could lock away and keep hidden forever. “...You wouldn’t say stuff like that if you weren’t so exhausted from having to look after me like this.”
“How presumptuous of you, to decide how I’m feeling!” Hiyori’s eccentric grin shifted into an uncomfortably genuine smile. “Why would I spend so much time caring for you if I didn’t like you? As impressive as you are in how fast you pick up technical things, you're pretty bad at emotions, huh... I did all of this because I wanted to! I love spending time with you, and teasing you to watch you blush, and looking after your health when you can’t be bothered to do so for yourself, and teaching you things that you’re more than capable of learning—”
"S-Stop it already..." Something unbearably cold fought against the warmth in Shin’s chest at his friend’s adoring gaze. Something horribly bitter burned at the back of his throat as he averted his eyes. Sleep-deprived Hiyori was… too much. Even more than regular Hiyori. How could he look at Shin like that, after how much trouble he’d caused him? Why didn’t Hiyori just give up on him already? How dare Shin let the desire to keep that frightening yet fond gaze centered on him alone take root in his undeserving heart? His hands shook. He gripped the blanket tighter to hide it. Disgusting. In the end, he'd just disappoint Hiyori, too—
“Shin…” Hiyori spoke with a softness that shocked Shin from his spiraling thoughts. Those eyes stared with a rare seriousness that Shin never knew what to do with when they settled on him, but he thankfully shifted back into something a little more playful, more familiar. “...Ahah. You must be pretty tired, huh? You’re gonna need a lot of sleep. I’ll finally leave you to rest, if you’re insistent on doing so without my oh-so-terrifying presence!”
Ice-cold panic shot through Shin’s veins the second Hiyori stood to leave.
For some inexplicable reason, Shin’s less-than-logical tired mind convinced him that if Hiyori walked through that door now, he would never return. He saw how hopeless Shin was. He’d slip right through Shin’s fingers like a cloud of smoke and vanish forever. Maybe the mind-numbing exhaustion boosted his boldness unnaturally, because he lunged forwards to grip Hiyori’s pajamas in his shaky hands, almost toppling out of bed in the process. Hiyori reflexively caught him before his body hit the floor, and Shin’s head fell forwards into his friend’s chest against his will.
“...Don’t leave,” Shin begged in barely a whisper, lacking the strength to do much of anything else but weakly cling to his friend. Weights threatened to pull his eyelids closed before he was ready.
Hiyori froze, holding onto Shin's sides with gentle yet twitchy fingers as if he wasn't sure how to proceed. If Shin were a little more coherent, he'd think Hiyori's rare moment of confusion and hesitance was kind of charming. Though if he were more coherent, he never would have thrown himself at his friend like that in the first place.
Uncomfortable silence hung in the air as Hiyori slowly pushed Shin back against the sheets without a word, awkwardly half-sitting on the edge of bed and half-leaning over Shin when he refused to release Hiyori from his grasp.
“...I thought you were embarrassed to have me staring at you! Are you really sure you want me in here for the rest of the night…? You’re so bold today, Shin!” Hiyori teased, but for some strange reason, Shin thought his voice sounded a little… hollow. Too distant. He was trying to leave. To abandon him. Shin tightened his grip as much as his sickly body would allow.
“Please, Sou… stay…” Shin pleaded, stupidly attempting to pull him down into bed with him to little success, just to keep him close. Down into Hiyori’s bed that Shin had invaded because he couldn’t even handle a little sickness, where he forced Hiyori to care for him like some helpless child—what the hell was he thinking? He never would have dreamed of doing any of this if not for the fever and subsequent exhaustion apparently depleting his ability to stop the embarrassing, selfish words from escaping his mouth before he could actually process the weight behind them. He was ruining the only real friendship he’d managed to keep in his entire worthless life by clinging to it so tightly. He didn’t ever want to let go.
“...So desperate! I thought you hated when I gave you this much attention, yet here you are, begging for more! You really do trust me, don’t you…" Hiyori paused for a moment, then slowly shifted his body forwards. He loomed directly over Shin now, like a cat ready to deal the killing blow to the creature caught between its paws. The grin on his face stretched a little too wide. It did not match the emptiness in his eyes. Shin still clung to him, although far more uncertainly now. "You know, people have been extra cautious about steering clear of you at school just because you spend so much time with me... those who hardly know me have decided that I'm someone to fear and avoid. Now they think that if they interact with you, they'll suffer for it. They say that anyone who crosses paths with Tsukimi Shin paints a biiiiig target on their backs for Hiyori Sou."
"They... do...?" Shin instinctively shrunk back into the pillow beneath him. He’d heard about the rumors surrounding Hiyori—the kids at school loved spreading lies about anyone they didn't understand, anyone too strange to be categorized and defined by their arbitrary rules and guidelines. Shin knew that all too well. But... he hadn't heard that one yet. Why was Hiyori bringing that up now, of all times? "But that's... it isn't like you've actually... done anything bad, so..."
"Do you not believe the rumors, then? I'm glad…!" Hiyori's tone should have been reassuring. It wasn't. "But I wonder... are you really sure you're not scared of me too, Shin? You're in no state to defend yourself right now if you place your trust in the wrong person... so I guess I'm wondering what it is about me that you've decided is so trustworthy.”
Hiyori’s voice cut through the quiet room like a skilled hand with a scalpel, a little harsher than Shin was used to hearing—a challenge. His heart pounded rapidly against his chest. Hiyori... wasn't going to hurt him. Not really. He just wanted to be extra scary right now, for some reason or another. Shin wouldn't let that act trick him into letting go. Not when his friend's voice sounded so far away, so painfully distant.
If Shin didn't know any better, if he'd never experienced the kindness that contradicted what others said about Hiyori, then he would not doubt that the eyes staring into his own were the eyes of danger. Or maybe he did still think Hiyori was dangerous. But… Shin had experienced his fair share of bad rumors, so he really shouldn't trust the same kids who made his own life so miserable, should he?
Logic didn't comfort him in the presence of Hiyori's gaze, however—somehow so terrifyingly intense and yet devoid of any emotion Shin could name. He could never stare into those eyes for very long. A discomforting chill crept up his spine, and Hiyori’s smile stretched almost imperceptibly wider in response.
Even if it was Shin who clung to his friend with the intention of keeping him there, he still couldn’t shake the foreboding sense that he was a cornered prey animal at the mercy of the one who’d hungrily trapped it. Or perhaps something far more impersonal—prey to be toyed with and killed, but never devoured and given purpose, not even in death. He'd be left to rot without a second thought in the mind of the predator who'd taken his life simply out of curiosity and boredom. It was a ridiculous concept, but difficult to ignore when that fear burned in his throat and those eyes bored into his own so close in reality, but so... vacant. Like Shin didn't exist at all, despite those eyes locking directly with his.
The idea that Hiyori could forget him scared Shin more than anything else.
“I... I'm not scared,” Shin lied. Hiyori could tell. His expression softened slightly, as though that response pleased him anyways. Anything to break that scary trance he seemed to be under, to get those eyes to actually see him. “I just... I think you're a lot kinder than other people say you are... even if…"
Even if Hiyori terrified him, Shin wanted to say. He really did. Being so close to him was... scary. Hiyori was scary. Something about his mannerisms, the way he carried himself... there was an unnatural grace and confidence there, like something wearing human skin and a human smile in such an uncanny way that distinctly set him apart from anyone else he had ever met—something inhumanly impressive, and something undeniably... dangerous. Shin didn't know if he really wanted to get closer. But... he didn't really want to get further, either.
He couldn't imagine going back to life without Hiyori around. Even if Hiyori scared him, Shin really did wish to—no. He... couldn't say anything too foolish, couldn't let his heart cry out too loudly, despite the frightening clarity with which it did. So, then... even if... "Even if you are pretty reckless with bullies sometimes, and sort of overbearing, and you’re always saying selfish stuff, and—"
"Shin...!!" Hiyori interrupted as if to pout, but a tiny giggle escaped through his threatening exterior. He hung his head to hide it. "So mean..."
Shin stifled his own laughter at that, but the sinking feeling in his chest didn't vanish completely. He gripped the fabric of Hiyori's pajamas in his fingers a little too tightly. With his mind so hazy, his emotions shone through clearer than ever—complete transparency, pure honesty. It terrified him. "You're my friend, and I... I trust you. So… please… don’t leave me behind...”
Hiyori couldn't chase Shin away with a few rumors, even if he was more than a little scary sometimes. He could have escaped and abandoned weak and pathetic and hopeless Shin if he wanted—like he should have done right at the start—but instead, he chose to stay by Shin's side. If Hiyori hadn't given up on him yet, it wouldn't be fair to give up on Hiyori now, would it? He would be forever grateful for the light Hiyori introduced into his life—a bright sun breaking through and chasing away dark storm clouds, sometimes a little too intense for him to handle, but infinitely more welcoming than the cold chill of loneliness. Someone as impressive and fearless as him could have chosen anyone's company if he really put his mind to it. He chose Shin.
“Well… I can hardly refuse when you ask me so charmingly, ahah… I’ll stay, then!” Hiyori conceded with uncharacteristic hesitance despite the humor he tried to pour into his voice, and Shin sighed in relief when those eyes met his once more, this time a little more... alive.
Something about the way Hiyori stared and spoke was distracting to Shin's mind, steadily growing hazier, struggling to focus. Everything about Hiyori was distracting, though. It always was.
His wild and wavy green hair hung down freely as he hovered over Shin like some kind of alluring exotic plant. Probably the carnivorous kind. Deadly, but stunning and sweet and impossible to resist, and Shin had willingly wandered right into the leafy tendrils waiting to coil around and ensnare him. He could drown in the unfathomable depths of those brilliant blue eyes, overflowing with terrifyingly genuine adoration as they took in and absorbed the broken mess that lie beneath them. An indescribable ache in his chest slowly and painfully ate away at him from the inside out, melting and dissolving the wounded heart that took residence there, and Shin could almost cry at the intensity of it all.
If he didn't fall asleep soon, his mind might wander into inescapable and unforgivable depths.
"Ahh, why do you still look so down...?" Hiyori fretted and, much to Shin's shock and bewilderment, gently cupped his face in his hands. He jolted at the unexpected gesture before relaxing into it the best he could, although his heart threatened to explode out of his throat and dizzying anxiety gripped his brain. A serene smile sleepily spread across Hiyori's face. "Those are such wonderful expressions... thank you, Shin."
There wasn't any way Shin could respond to something like that, was there? Not with the way his throat burned and prevented him from speaking, anyways. Hiyori might actually kill him without having to do anything but stare at him so frighteningly, so adoringly, with a black hole of emotions swirling behind those eyes that looked as though they could tear apart anything that got too close. Hiyori was too close. His hands were warm and comforting. His lips looked soft. Shin felt sick all over again.
If Hiyori leaned in just fractionally closer, Shin shut his eyes and convinced himself his mind was playing tricks on him. He didn't know whether hope or fear coursed through him. Maybe both.
Too many moments passed in silent anticipation. Instead of closing the small gap between them, Hiyori slowly withdrew his hands. Something cold and empty burrowed into Shin's heart at the loss of that warmth. He quietly sighed and let his eyes flutter open again.
Hiyori had retreated back as far as Shin would allow him. With the gap in strength between them, his green-haired friend could have pulled free with ease if he truly desired, but he stayed as close as Shin wished him to—even if uncertainty still plagued his mind about exactly how close that was.
He wanted to shove Hiyori away and escape forever to put an end the persistent unease corroding his insides whenever Hiyori took interest in him the way no one else had before. He wanted to pull his friend in so much closer for the very same reason, allow his horrible heart to be captivated and completely consumed by that sun-warm smile. He wanted to know and understand Hiyori deeply, but he wanted to live in blissful ignorance if it meant he wouldn't lose the friend he so desperately needed to light up his desolate and gloomy existence, if it meant Shin could preserve the fragile barrier between them, protect himself from... something. He wanted Hiyori to hate him the way he deserved—to finally abandon him so that the fear of losing that light stopped haunting him so relentlessly. He selfishly hoped Hiyori would stay with him forever.
In the absence of the overwhelming warmth of his friend's touch, Shin could breath a little easier. At the same time, he missed it so badly that it hurt. He didn't want to think about what any of that meant, either. His vision and brain blurred with exhaustion—a sinking feeling. He was drowning in it, rapidly losing the strength to keep holding on to his friend, to stay awake at all.
“So, ahah… if you’re confining me to the bedroom, then… could you move over a bit…?" Those oddly placed chuckles poorly masked the way Hiyori paused and carefully considered each sentence as if he’d forgotten the lines to the play he was acting in, or as though Shin had gone completely off-script and forced him to improvise. "Even I don’t have the kind of energy for staying upright much longer... it’s been pretty exhausting making sure you didn’t go and die without my permission, ahaha! I still need to sleep, too. Well, for now at least… and since this is my bed...”
“...Okay,” Shin's hands immediately dropped to either side of him like dead weight, finally freeing his friend from his clutches, but he didn't know if it was by his own choice or if it was his exhaustion deciding for him. He finally got his victory—was this what he wanted? what he deserved?—and the adrenaline that had been keeping him somewhat lucid was fading fast, turning his limbs and body to lead. If he weren’t so physically and emotionally drained, the guilt would have destroyed him. He never should have asked his friend to stay.
Although he agreed to move over, Shin made no attempt to do so. He didn't think he could even if he wanted to right now. He'd never felt so exhausted in his entire life.
"Oh, by the way… this is... my very first sleepover, too. I really didn't expect today to go the way it did..." Fabric rustled quietly as Hiyori climbed over him and into bed without pulling the blanket over himself. They both barely fit with a small gap between them. He faced Shin, lips still curled into a smile as he rested his head on one arm instead of the pillow Shin had claimed. His voice was almost hypnotically soft, but somehow overwhelmingly powerful at the same time—enough to echo within Shin's skull, to reach his fading consciousness somewhere far, far away. "...You continue to surprise me in the most unexpected ways."
“S… Sorry…” Shin mumbled, struggling to resist the temptation of sleep and its desire to pull him under into its dark and welcoming depths. He couldn't move, he couldn't give Hiyori the space he asked for.
“Eh? What for…?” Hiyori didn't actually seem to mind their closeness at all. Shin's eyelids fluttered, each blink heavier than the last, each silent moment stretching into a fragile eternity. "Shin…” Hiyori hesitantly began, as if he had something important to say, but Shin’s mind steadily floated further and further from reality. “Do you ever wish that... oh. Never mind, then."
Shin finally lost in the fight to keep his eyelids open. The last thing he recalled before sleep claimed him once more was the sweet voice of his friend wishing him goodnight and a deep sense of longing twisting his insides.